Thinking of leaving the OH

[The Moose]

frumpytrickle said:

B. It is impolite to guess at a lady's age.

With your language in this thread so far, one would have to consider whether you are indeed a lady...as opposed to just a female...

[Pixel Pusher]

dirty boy said:

imagine your grandparents lubing up a 12" rubber cock ready for playtime

Damn you for that mental image…

[Sargeant Orange]

My mate was in the same position as you OP, around 2 years ago. He decided to stay for the sake of the kid. I'm off to his funeral Friday as he topped himself 3 weeks ago after suffering from depression.

[226bhp]

Soov535 said:

Davel said:

Right, I was in exactly in the same situation as the OP many years ago.

I walked out and went where I thought the grass was greener.

It was the single biggest mistake of my life and I have regretted it ever since despite getting married again and having more kids.

I love all of my kids dearly but walking out on my first wife was the worst mistake I have ever made - and I've made quite a few...

Be very careful OP. Everything may look wonderful at this time but you risk hurting your OH and daughter now and you will have to live with the hurt of this for the rest of your life.

I realised too late so be absolutely sure of what you want to do before you do anything.

Good luck!

Brave shout. And respect for saying it.

Yes I bet his current wife would think that was wonderful if she knew.

[blindswelledrat]

dirty boy said:

My wife is a fking nut job sometimes, other times she's bearable, now and again she makes me laugh and wears her 'sex nightie'. There's plenty of balance there. Do we go through the karma sutra and have to stop because we're getting sore like we used to? No. That stuff ain't ever going to be the same, thank god I say, imagine your grandparents lubing up a 12" rubber cock ready for playtime with industrial quantities of Castrol R, we grow out of that st thankfully, for everyone's sake.

Tell us how you're going to make this up to your wife.

I love how you don't have that bit in your head that double-checks what you are about to type before releasing it out into the internet.

[Rude-boy]

dirty boy said:

Do we go through the karma sutra and have to stop because we're getting sore like we used to? No. That stuff ain't ever going to be the same,

Once was speaking to an old chap with his elderly wife beside him.

"I may not be as good as I once was, but I as good once as ever I was."

Mind bleach once again required.

[blindswelledrat]

Rude-boy said:

Once was speaking to an old chap with his elderly wife beside him.

"I may not be as good as I once was, but I as good once as ever I was."
.

I would have replied "That make no sense whatsoever you stupid old fool"

[The Beaver King]

How about taking a balanced view on it OP?

What really are you choices and the risks involved?

1) Leave your OH, get together with the new woman, see your daughter where possible; basically have your cake and eat it.

Pros

• You've made the leap thus removing the 'what if',
• you are now in a new, exciting relationship with someone you feel a connection with.

Cons

• You've left your pretty perfect OH for an fairly unknown person,
• You may never see your daughter again or at least very infrequently,
• You will be financially worse off,
• You risk the wraith of your family.

Unknowns

• It may not work out with this new woman,
• Your ex-OH could make your life a hell,
• The impact on the relationship with your daughter.

2) You stay with your OH, bury this whole episode and move forward with your family.
Pros

• You are in a stable family unit,
• You are with a woman who loves you,
• You get to spend all your free time with your daughter,
• You are no financially worse off.

Cons

• You will wonder about the 'what if',
• You may not be happy,

Unknowns

• Whether it will get better between you and your OH,
• Whether you and your OH remain together long term anyway,
• You may attempt something similar in the future.

Rough points OP, but you see what I'm getting at. Both options have some pretty big positives and negatives, but you have to decide which option is worth the risk.

[Disastrous]

Rude-boy said:

dirty boy said:

Do we go through the karma sutra and have to stop because we're getting sore like we used to? No. That stuff ain't ever going to be the same,

Once was speaking to an old chap with his elderly wife beside him.

"I may not be as good as I once was, but I as good once as ever I was."

Mind bleach once again required.

Is that not a Toby Keith C&W song??

"I ain't as good as I once was, but I'm as good once, as I ever was..."

His delivery makes marginally more sense though, I think.

[226bhp]

The Beaver King said:

How about taking a balanced view on it OP?

What really are you choices and the risks involved?

1) Leave your OH, get together with the new woman, see your daughter where possible; basically have your cake and eat it.

Pros

• You've made the leap thus removing the 'what if',
• you are now in a new, exciting relationship with someone you feel a connection with.

Cons

• You've left your pretty perfect OH for an fairly unknown person,
• You may never see your daughter again or at least very infrequently,
• You will be financially worse off,
• You risk the wraith of your family.

Unknowns

• It may not work out with this new woman,
• Your ex-OH could make your life a hell,
• The impact on the relationship with your daughter.

2) You stay with your OH, bury this whole episode and move forward with your family.
Pros

• You are in a stable family unit,
• You are with a woman who loves you,
• You get to spend all your free time with your daughter,
• You are no financially worse off.

Cons

• You will wonder about the 'what if',
• You may not be happy,

Unknowns

• Whether it will get better between you and your OH,
• Whether you and your OH remain together long term anyway,
• You may attempt something similar in the future.

Rough points OP, but you see what I'm getting at. Both options have some pretty big positives and negatives, but you have to decide which option is worth the risk.

Can you do a Powerpoint presentation and a flow chart to go with it?

[AyBee]

mini1380cc said:

All interesting perspectives on this one, with the majority going the way i'd expect. I wonder what the advice would if all the variables were the same except with no kids in the equation.

I imagine most of the responses would be different. His wife is looking after the household and being a good mother to an 18 month old and he's considering walking because he's not getting enough intellectual chat from her, he's a city boy and she's a country girl...

[The Moose]

The Beaver King said:

How about taking a balanced view on it OP?

What really are you choices and the risks involved?

1) Leave your OH, get together with the new woman, see your daughter where possible; basically have your cake and eat it.

Pros

• You've made the leap thus removing the 'what if',
• you are now in a new, exciting relationship with someone you feel a connection with.

Cons

• You've left your pretty perfect OH for an fairly unknown person,
• You may never see your daughter again or at least very infrequently,
• You will be financially worse off,
• You risk the wraith of your family.

Unknowns

• It may not work out with this new woman,
• Your ex-OH could make your life a hell,
• The impact on the relationship with your daughter.

2) You stay with your OH, bury this whole episode and move forward with your family.
Pros

• You are in a stable family unit,
• You are with a woman who loves you,
• You get to spend all your free time with your daughter,
• You are no financially worse off.

Cons

• You will wonder about the 'what if',
• You may not be happy,

Unknowns

• Whether it will get better between you and your OH,
• Whether you and your OH remain together long term anyway,
• You may attempt something similar in the future.

Rough points OP, but you see what I'm getting at. Both options have some pretty big positives and negatives, but you have to decide which option is worth the risk.

There are other options though such as 'shag this new bird a couple of times, decide that once she's full you don't fancy her so much and never mention it again'.

[Davel]

226bhp said:

Yes I bet his current wife would think that was wonderful if she knew.

It wasn't a dig at my second wife and shouldn't be taken as such - it was meant to make the OP be absolutely sure that he knows what he wants. At that time in my life, I thought that I did.

I have amended my earlier post and thanks for pointing it out!

Edited by Davel on Wednesday 1st October 16:54

[NRS]

DoTheRightThing said:

Except for the fact that you weren't were you.

Your circumstances have the square route of fk all to do with mine. Have you even read the thread in full? Because I suspect, as is usually the case, after about page 10 many are just jumping in with their 'advice' having not fully grasped the situation.

If you had read the thread you would appreciate that the main reason I am conflicted on this issue is because of my daughter. If I was some sort of prick that didn't value my daughter then the thread title would be "I've just left the OH" and my user name would be DoneSomethingMorallyQuestionable.

While we're clearing up some misunderstandings can I just address the perception that I am some sort pleb that has had a kid and got tired with cleaning up nappies and leaves it all to the mother. I am an active and committed father. I am up with my daughter at the crack of dawn everyday to maximise our time together, I work in one of the most stressful environments imaginable and then go home and play with her until bath time, which I do. I am not a hands off father who pines for the freedom of youth and chasing skirt.

I am someone who finds themselves in the agonising position of not feeling the love and affection I once felt for the woman I had planned to spend the rest of my life with - I am determined to do what is best for ALL concerned.

Sorry to those of you that have clearly got the fuller picture and offered you advice accordingly.

Actions speak louder than words. Simple as that. I think very few men in your situation who run off with another woman just don't care about the kids etc. Or think that they're a bad parent. It's just that the actions of doing so tend to show that they are putting themselves over their family. You may disagree, but look at the amount of people here who have had their dad do that and how it has affected their life. Do you think all their dads were arses, or do you think many thought they were decent people and in a similar position to you?

I know my dad is generally a decent person. Does it make a big difference to what it's done to me growing up (low confidence, need to try and prove myself etc). No. I still have those things despite him being nice. So there's no point in trying to tell us you're nice. Yes, as your kid becomes older they may understand a bit, but for many they will still have a lot of the scars from what has happened. And for some of them those scars will be enough that they hate you for the rest of their life despite you being a nice person.

That's why you've had some of the responses to what you've posted.

I don't think you're a bad person, just facing a situation many many people face. It's just that the results of what you do now will affect your kid their whole life, as well as your own and that of your parent. In many ways there is not a right answer, but if you look at all the replies you will see a constant answer which is recommended.

• I've been in a similar place and after a lot of work managed to get through it and things are much better with my OH.
• I have a happy life with a new wife and kids, but regret the previous marriage breaking up.
• I'm a kid who is scarred by a parent leaving.

And so on. See a pattern?

frumpytrickle said:

Adenauer said:

Well then you shouldn't swear such much if you're only just over 20 years of age.

A. I said 'a few' decades, not a couple.

B. It is impolite to guess at a lady's age.

C. Your English is as bad as mine.


I vote to stop the derail..

I'm nearly 27 and single. PM me if interested.

Mobile Chicane said:

If you do leave, do it for you, and the desire to be a decent father to your children, albeit apart from their mother, if you're truly that unhappy together.

Do not allow your head to be turned by a bit of skirt. Because I can guarantee you that's all it is.

Albeit after a few 'dry' years you'll be slobbering after it like a dog on hot mince, I can assure you that the route to a great deal of unhappiness lies there.

Try and work things out at home first. If after 12 months of trying things aren't working, then leave.

Not now. Not for a bit of skirt. No matter how compelling the 'connection'. You're thinking with your dick.

Do you have much experience of having your head turned by a bit of skirt MC?

[Sargeant Orange]

The Moose said:

There are other options though such as 'shag this new bird a couple of times, decide that once she's full you don't fancy her so much and never mention it again'.

Reading between the lines I think this might have already happened...

Beaver King - you need to apply a weighting to those options so we can use it for future reference

[Rude-boy]

Disastrous said:

Rude-boy said:

dirty boy said:

Do we go through the karma sutra and have to stop because we're getting sore like we used to? No. That stuff ain't ever going to be the same,

Once was speaking to an old chap with his elderly wife beside him.

"I may not be as good as I once was, but I as good once as ever I was."

Mind bleach once again required.

Is that not a Toby Keith C&W song??

"I ain't as good as I once was, but I'm as good once, as I ever was..."

His delivery makes marginally more sense though, I think.

Not typing like an epileptic squirrel wearing boxing gloves also helped him.

I’ll also wager he didn’t neglect the word “am” or "'m".

Oh well.

Bugger.

[Rude-boy]

AyBee said:

.... he's a city boy and she's a country girl...

Why do I keep hearing "Skaterboy" in my head each time I read that!

[Soov535]

NRS said:

Do you have much experience of having your head turned by a bit of skirt MC?

Down boy.

[mini1380cc]

Sargeant Orange said:

My mate was in the same position as you OP, around 2 years ago. He decided to stay for the sake of the kid. I'm off to his funeral Friday as he topped himself 3 weeks ago after suffering from depression.

That is fking brutal for everyone involved. It doesn't get more grim than that. I can easily understand how a situation like this can lead to a point of extreme hopelessness and desperation.


The honest truth that most posters are missing here is that there is no good option. The OP has unfortunately got himself on a road that has no painless outcome for him. We are only human and we all have the ability to get ourselves in real bad situations, so remember that before giving the OP proper stick. People only open posts like this because they are desperate, they are reaching out even when they know that we cannot fix it for him. If OP was a proper bd he wouldn't feel so troubled by moving on. He seems like a conscientious guy to me that has become completely confused and troubled.


My own experience comes from the kids perspective.... Having parents split when i was 3 did scar me for life and my outlook on marriage. But i think my parents splitting was the right choice and i love them equally.

I have no real advice for you in either direction but it must be worth giving your family another go with whatever help is available. I also agree with those that say that walking away should only be done when the OW plays no part in the decision.....none at all. She should be irrelevant to your thinking.

[AyBee]

Rude-boy said:

AyBee said:

.... he's a city boy and she's a country girl...

Why do I keep hearing "Skaterboy" in my head each time I read that!