Thinking of leaving the OH
Discussion
Sorry, I have not read the whole thread but I just wanted to add my view about being away from your kid, or kids in my situation.
I desperately tried to hold on to an unhappy marriage because of the kids and made myself very unhappy. My O/H decided to split 5 years ago but I stayed in the house to look after the kids.
Things are much more amicable now but in the end I believed that the kids needed their mother more so I moved out at the beginning of the year and she moved back in with her boyfriend. He's a nice bloke and I only live round the corner so can pop round whenever and even get invited to parties, Sunday lunch etc but.......
Not being in the house with the kids is not right and having to work more to afford my rent and the original mortgage plus child maintenance, means I don't see them often and when I do, I have to always go somewhere, do something as I live in a tiny one bedroom flat. I don't even have the distraction of a girlfriend yet I have little time.
You will miss her jumping on you to wake you up in the morning, sitting together to watch some Disney film, an impromptu game of footie in the garden and all the other things that happen when you share a roof with your children. When they are older they will do their own thing, as mine do, which means I see them even less as I don't share their home.
I would be in heaven to have an O/H like you describe for mine was not a good wife and she isn't brilliant at being a mother (in my opinion).
As others have said, try counseling or see a doc as you maybe depressed. Tread carefully as you do not want to end up like me.
I desperately tried to hold on to an unhappy marriage because of the kids and made myself very unhappy. My O/H decided to split 5 years ago but I stayed in the house to look after the kids.
Things are much more amicable now but in the end I believed that the kids needed their mother more so I moved out at the beginning of the year and she moved back in with her boyfriend. He's a nice bloke and I only live round the corner so can pop round whenever and even get invited to parties, Sunday lunch etc but.......
Not being in the house with the kids is not right and having to work more to afford my rent and the original mortgage plus child maintenance, means I don't see them often and when I do, I have to always go somewhere, do something as I live in a tiny one bedroom flat. I don't even have the distraction of a girlfriend yet I have little time.
You will miss her jumping on you to wake you up in the morning, sitting together to watch some Disney film, an impromptu game of footie in the garden and all the other things that happen when you share a roof with your children. When they are older they will do their own thing, as mine do, which means I see them even less as I don't share their home.
I would be in heaven to have an O/H like you describe for mine was not a good wife and she isn't brilliant at being a mother (in my opinion).
As others have said, try counseling or see a doc as you maybe depressed. Tread carefully as you do not want to end up like me.
Disastrous said:
FredClogs said:
If I were you I'd start thumbing it in and never ever even hint to her in the future as to any sort of unhappiness or discontentment.
And alsoFredClogs said:
MTFU, who ever said life was going to make you happy?
If you want a relationship that keeps you excited and puts a chill down your spine, if you want a mistress that will keep you on your toes and leave you never knowing whether you'll survive till bed time - then buy a motorbike.
How depressing is that??If you want a relationship that keeps you excited and puts a chill down your spine, if you want a mistress that will keep you on your toes and leave you never knowing whether you'll survive till bed time - then buy a motorbike.
Life isn't meant to make you happy so you had better take your medicine and have bored-sex with a woman you don't like because that's what men do?!
Is that really what life's about?
My gf makes me happy but I don't think I'll bother with kids/marriage if I have to sign up for that s
t! Fredclogs, are you a Northern, by any chance? It's just your post has that sort of proud misery about it that I associate with my grandparents from Manchester or Yorkshire or Lancashire or wherever it is they were from. Like they were almost happy to have things as hard and st as possible.
) And if you want to have someone with you when you get old like your grandparents did(and lets face it the only reason we take a life partner is so we don't die without leaving a footprint) you're gonna start thumbing it in at some point, and trust me she started faking it a long time ago...
FredClogs said:
Disastrous said:
FredClogs said:
If I were you I'd start thumbing it in and never ever even hint to her in the future as to any sort of unhappiness or discontentment.
And alsoFredClogs said:
MTFU, who ever said life was going to make you happy?
If you want a relationship that keeps you excited and puts a chill down your spine, if you want a mistress that will keep you on your toes and leave you never knowing whether you'll survive till bed time - then buy a motorbike.
How depressing is that??If you want a relationship that keeps you excited and puts a chill down your spine, if you want a mistress that will keep you on your toes and leave you never knowing whether you'll survive till bed time - then buy a motorbike.
Life isn't meant to make you happy so you had better take your medicine and have bored-sex with a woman you don't like because that's what men do?!
Is that really what life's about?
My gf makes me happy but I don't think I'll bother with kids/marriage if I have to sign up for that s
t! Fredclogs, are you a Northern, by any chance? It's just your post has that sort of proud misery about it that I associate with my grandparents from Manchester or Yorkshire or Lancashire or wherever it is they were from. Like they were almost happy to have things as hard and st as possible.) And if you want to have someone with you when you get old like your grandparents did(and lets face it the only reason we take a life partner is so we don't die without leaving a footprint) you're gonna start thumbing it in at some point, and trust me she started faking it a long time ago...
Hugely uplifting!
To be honest, I'm not so fussed about company when I'm old so perhaps I ought tot leave her now whilst I still like her.
I've only read the original post and not all 17 pages of replies... but from where I'm sitting it sounds like you've been tempted away by this other woman and it's got into your head.
Cut the other woman off like a diseased hand and rediscover the love you have with your fiance. You've had a kid with her and asked her to marry you. I assume these weren't decisions made on a whim and you meant them at the time... and now you need to remind yourself why you have this.
If this other woman is like this with - you knowing full well you're engaged to be married and have a kid, what's to say she wouldn't cheat on you too? Chances are she will, and then you will have be alone and miserable and hated.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Appreciate what you have... replenish that love dude and tell the other woman 'with her high paid job' and 'intellectual conversations' to do one.
What she is doing is pretty nasty. It's not your fault.... it's like adam in the garden of eden wanting that tasty apple. You're only human, but you have step up and be real.
Cut the other woman off like a diseased hand and rediscover the love you have with your fiance. You've had a kid with her and asked her to marry you. I assume these weren't decisions made on a whim and you meant them at the time... and now you need to remind yourself why you have this.
If this other woman is like this with - you knowing full well you're engaged to be married and have a kid, what's to say she wouldn't cheat on you too? Chances are she will, and then you will have be alone and miserable and hated.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Appreciate what you have... replenish that love dude and tell the other woman 'with her high paid job' and 'intellectual conversations' to do one.
What she is doing is pretty nasty. It's not your fault.... it's like adam in the garden of eden wanting that tasty apple. You're only human, but you have step up and be real.
DoTheRightThing said:
frumpytrickle said:
A few decades ago.. I was his daughter. So yes.
Except for the fact that you weren't were you.Your circumstances have the square route of f
k all to do with mine. Have you even read the thread in full? Because I suspect, as is usually the case, after about page 10 many are just jumping in with their 'advice' having not fully grasped the situation.If you had read the thread you would appreciate that the main reason I am conflicted on this issue is because of my daughter. If I was some sort of prick that didn't value my daughter then the thread title would be "I've just left the OH" and my user name would be DoneSomethingMorallyQuestionable.
While we're clearing up some misunderstandings can I just address the perception that I am some sort pleb that has had a kid and got tired with cleaning up nappies and leaves it all to the mother. I am an active and committed father. I am up with my daughter at the crack of dawn everyday to maximise our time together, I work in one of the most stressful environments imaginable and then go home and play with her until bath time, which I do. I am not a hands off father who pines for the freedom of youth and chasing skirt.
I am someone who finds themselves in the agonising position of not feeling the love and affection I once felt for the woman I had planned to spend the rest of my life with - I am determined to do what is best for ALL concerned.
Sorry to those of you that have clearly got the fuller picture and offered you advice accordingly.
ked & your daughter will not want to see you! You can be as active and committed as you wish right now, in fact you could be doing all of it whilst your fiancé sits back & does nothing; the fact is, once you leave – you’ve gone. You won’t be able to be there to maiximise your time together – your ex won’t let you in the house, your new bit of skirt will be wanting time devoted to her – if you’re lucky she won’t resent time spent with your daughter; she’ll certainly not like you leaving her to go to see your ex & take your daughter to school everyday, or go home to play with her at bathtime...
And depending on how she feels (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!) you may well have no further involvement. You HAVE seen the SWTs threads on here? I know it’s a standard joke, but women can be utterly vindictive, nasty b
hes, especially when YOU have done the dirty!As for not feeling the love & affection any longer - have you ever watched a fire burn? It starts with a spark that brings about this great burst of flames, heat and passion; then it dies down to embers and you think it is gone, but it is actually at it's hottest, the slightest bit of fuel will bring back those flames.
Add some fuel to your embers, rather than starting another fire.
"As for not feeling the love & affection any longer - have you ever watched a fire burn? It starts with a spark that brings about this great burst of flames, heat and passion; then it dies down to embers and you think it is gone, but it is actually at it's hottest, the slightest bit of fuel will bring back those flames."
Nice
I like that Ali.
Nice
I like that Ali.croyde said:
"As for not feeling the love & affection any longer - have you ever watched a fire burn? It starts with a spark that brings about this great burst of flames, heat and passion; then it dies down to embers and you think it is gone, but it is actually at it's hottest, the slightest bit of fuel will bring back those flames."
Nice I like that Ali.
Of course if you piss on the embers there is no going back...Nice
I like that Ali.
very true Fred, I nearly put that croyde said:
"As for not feeling the love & affection any longer - have you ever watched a fire burn? It starts with a spark that brings about this great burst of flames, heat and passion; then it dies down to embers and you think it is gone, but it is actually at it's hottest, the slightest bit of fuel will bring back those flames."
Nice I like that Ali.
I like it too. Nice
I like that Ali.While doing some painting on the house I have got a bit pissed off with the OP, and perhaps this is a bit more harsh than my previous replies, but it's just annoyed me. You seem to be trying to tell us how you're a good person and a good parent and that people are being way too harsh on you. Yet you had a kid with someone just to pass on a bit of yourself, are happy to finish with a woman who was there through your serious illness and so on. And judging by how you like to deny that you are a bad parent and yet didn't reply to the other posts saying you were sleeping with the other woman it would tend to indicate that you are. Now do you see why some of the replies have been harsh? I'm not saying we don't make mistakes, but man up to them instead of trying to convince us you're a decent person that most of your effort seems to be going into.
OP, you're portraying this as a choice between two women, but it's really more of a a choice between your life as it has been and whether you're ready to start being part of a family. Relationships are hard (but rewarding) and maybe your health scare has made you think that you need more instant gratification via the OW and are less inclined to 'invest' in a relationship with longer term rewards but lots more up front effort.
'Best' thing would be to bin the OW immediately - tell her tonight and mean it - then concentrate on your fiancé / child and decide whether this relationship is worth saving / can be saved without the distraction.
All depends on whether you want to be part of a family or not, but don't kid yourself that the decision is about anything else.
'Best' thing would be to bin the OW immediately - tell her tonight and mean it - then concentrate on your fiancé / child and decide whether this relationship is worth saving / can be saved without the distraction.
All depends on whether you want to be part of a family or not, but don't kid yourself that the decision is about anything else.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
ali_kat said:
You can be as active and committed as you wish right now, in fact you could be doing all of it whilst your fiancé sits back & does nothing; the fact is, once you leave – you’ve gone. You won’t be able to be there to maiximise your time together – your ex won’t let you in the house, your new bit of skirt will be wanting time devoted to her – if you’re lucky she won’t resent time spent with your daughter; she’ll certainly not like you leaving her to go to see your ex & take your daughter to school everyday, or go home to play with her at bathtime...
And depending on how she feels (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!) you may well have no further involvement. You HAVE seen the SWTs threads on here? I know it’s a standard joke, but women can be utterly vindictive, nasty bhes, especially when YOU have done the dirty!
These two bits are what you need to focus on right now. "Romanticised ideal" is how you're sounding right now. You seem to think that things will continue as they are, but with the added benefits of regular sex and conversations about "philosophy" and other bAnd depending on how she feels (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!) you may well have no further involvement. You HAVE seen the SWTs threads on here? I know it’s a standard joke, but women can be utterly vindictive, nasty b
hes, especially when YOU have done the dirty!ks.Even if you take out Ali's comment about your fiance putting poison in your daughter's ear, since you seem quite certain that she's not like that (have to back-up Ali's point that that could SO easily change when you leave her for another woman, because chances are she will hate you for it), you still need to realise that you will NOT be bathing her every night. You will NOT be reading her a bedtime story every night. You will NOT be seeing her open her gifts every Christmas day.
Your fiance will not want you constantly coming around the house, getting under her feet, nosing through the house, flicking through the letters and then sitting down and chatting for an hour, all under the pretence that you're there to bathe your daughter and get her to sleep. Because let's face it, that is what you will do. You won't ever be able to let go properly, you'll always be demanding a bit more attention, you'll insist on knowing what's going on in her life, and if you don't like it you'll kick up a fuss. You will never let her move on with her life, until some other bloke comes along that manages to help her stand up to you. THEN she'll block your evening access entirely and reduce you to every other weekend, or one weekend a month.
Or alteratively, say your fiance does indeed let you go through this bizarre situation of you going round every evening, is the OW going to be happy about that? Do you expect her to be at home on her own, cooking dinner, knowing that while she's alone you're having one of your lovely evenings with your daughter and your former fiance. When you do come home you'll be all happy because you've seen your daughter, and your ex has just agreed to let you come round on Christmas day (but ONLY if the OW doesn't come too), and she's just bought a swing-set for your daughter so you'll need to pop over for a few hours on Saturday to set it up for her... so then she gets fed up and dumps you, but while your ex-fiance is happy to share custody she has no intention of sharing her heart or her bed with you ever again. So now you've got no one.
There is no possible way of setting this up so that you can have your cake and eat it too and get extra icing on top. You're either getting a stale cake or no cake at all, or you're sticking with the cake you've got at the moment even though you're a bit bored with vanilla.
As the father of 2 sons, now 18 & 16, I can honestly say there is nothing on the planet that could have provided me more joy than living in the same house as my children as they've grown up.
No amount of sexual excitement or connectivity with some other woman could have compensated for missing out on the delight of full time fatherhood.
Any man who misses out on living with his kids as they grow up has only lived half a life, regardless of how "happy" they may be with the new woman. I pity them.
No amount of sexual excitement or connectivity with some other woman could have compensated for missing out on the delight of full time fatherhood.
Any man who misses out on living with his kids as they grow up has only lived half a life, regardless of how "happy" they may be with the new woman. I pity them.
If it wasn't for your daughter you would have gone by now.
People in relationships go through phases everybody does.It is your choice which you value most.The hartbreak of leaving your fiancé and daughter or starting a different live.
My impression of you is that you couldn't cope with all the stress this would cause.Talk to your fiancé how you feel have some time alone with her.
You have enough family to look after your daughter for a few days.
People in relationships go through phases everybody does.It is your choice which you value most.The hartbreak of leaving your fiancé and daughter or starting a different live.
My impression of you is that you couldn't cope with all the stress this would cause.Talk to your fiancé how you feel have some time alone with her.
You have enough family to look after your daughter for a few days.
TwigtheWonderkid said:
As the father of 2 sons, now 18 & 16, I can honestly say there is nothing on the planet that could have provided me more joy than living in the same house as my children as they've grown up.
No amount of sexual excitement or connectivity with some other woman could have compensated for missing out on the delight of full time fatherhood.
Any man who misses out on living with his kids as they grow up has only lived half a life, regardless of how "happy" they may be with the new woman. I pity them.
Agree and to top it all I have no woman to be 'happy' with for I, as have many others, was the one that was left to be on my own. No amount of sexual excitement or connectivity with some other woman could have compensated for missing out on the delight of full time fatherhood.
Any man who misses out on living with his kids as they grow up has only lived half a life, regardless of how "happy" they may be with the new woman. I pity them.
I hate the fact that my kids are not permanently under my roof.
I can't read all 12 pages, because I just can't be arsed, but what I can say, is show me a marriage (or an alternative long term commitment), that doesn't go up and down.
After the birth of my first child, I felt so totally alone, in the world. It was impossible for me to make my salary last the month, and both of us were totally shattered, and fun was something that had disappeared. Plus to be honest, 2 years of sex being totally to obtain my sperm, just in case, really meant I found the whole romance was gone.
There were times, when I might have been very self destructive, but something held me back. Thank god.
After one more child and a couple of decades, I'm now madly in love with my wife, and would be devastated if anything happened to her.
Hopefully the OP will see that marriage is for the long term. (despite the fact that his order of events is a bit arse about face)
After the birth of my first child, I felt so totally alone, in the world. It was impossible for me to make my salary last the month, and both of us were totally shattered, and fun was something that had disappeared. Plus to be honest, 2 years of sex being totally to obtain my sperm, just in case, really meant I found the whole romance was gone.
There were times, when I might have been very self destructive, but something held me back. Thank god.
After one more child and a couple of decades, I'm now madly in love with my wife, and would be devastated if anything happened to her.
Hopefully the OP will see that marriage is for the long term. (despite the fact that his order of events is a bit arse about face)
OP, I've been on the other end. After 26 years together my ex Mrs decided that going out and having stimulating 'conversations' (in all aspects of the vernacular) with another bloke. She decided that he was FAR more interesting than me and she fked off and left.
We have 2 boys (they were 23 and 25 at the time) and they suffered a great deal (albeit silently - as a parent you just know) but they weren't considered. I know the situation is somewhat different to your in respect of the ages, but it's also very similar in a lot of respects.
I was the hurt and alone party, she has another 'mate' to guide her through it. However, move on 6 years and this is the result...
I am now VERY happily remarried (in fact I now consider she did me a favour) and she has dumped her 'mate' that was such a buzz at the time. She is now with another one and from accounts told to me by my boys they are far from settled.
If your experience follows the norm therefore, if you leave and go to your 'wondergirl', it won't last, they rarely do. She will get over you and find happiness, even more happiness than she ever had, with another chap in the future.
So, ask yourself this, right now:
If you saw her and your children being all 'happy families' in a local park as you walked by on your own, or even arm in arm with your new girl, could you pass them by and think 'wow, that's nice that she's happy!' or even...'oh look there's my ex fiancee, I'm so glad I left her'?
Think long and hard.
You only have one life, but you've started another life for someone else....make it count.
Oh, an don't you dare diss frumpytrickle, as ali-kat said, she is YOUR daughter in the future!
ked off and left.We have 2 boys (they were 23 and 25 at the time) and they suffered a great deal (albeit silently - as a parent you just know) but they weren't considered. I know the situation is somewhat different to your in respect of the ages, but it's also very similar in a lot of respects.
I was the hurt and alone party, she has another 'mate' to guide her through it. However, move on 6 years and this is the result...
I am now VERY happily remarried (in fact I now consider she did me a favour) and she has dumped her 'mate' that was such a buzz at the time. She is now with another one and from accounts told to me by my boys they are far from settled.
If your experience follows the norm therefore, if you leave and go to your 'wondergirl', it won't last, they rarely do. She will get over you and find happiness, even more happiness than she ever had, with another chap in the future.
So, ask yourself this, right now:
If you saw her and your children being all 'happy families' in a local park as you walked by on your own, or even arm in arm with your new girl, could you pass them by and think 'wow, that's nice that she's happy!' or even...'oh look there's my ex fiancee, I'm so glad I left her'?
Think long and hard.
You only have one life, but you've started another life for someone else....make it count.
Oh, an don't you dare diss frumpytrickle, as ali-kat said, she is YOUR daughter in the future!
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