Thinking of leaving the OH

[HRL]

DoTheRightThing said:

I think I've probably always been aware we weren't exactly cut from the same cloth. She's a country girl I'm a city boy. She's always said "I'm the one", I've always known she would make a great mother and life companion and thought that would be enough. As I've grown older though, I want to talk about different things; art, politics, philosophical bks.... Not really her forte.

So to answer your question directly I think I've never had the opportunity I've got now and had it not come about then yes I would probably be content with the status quo but it HAS come about and I am being offered what I see as the potential for fulfilment.

I hear you ask? "Why the fk did you knock her up then, if you weren't sure??"

It's complicated. At the time of conception I was actually quite seriously ill and didn't know if I'd even see her be born. I guess I wanted to secure a legacy and leave my fiancé with a child she always wanted. I have since made a full recovery can see that the time was highly charged with emotion.

To think I deleted my post as I reread it and thought I came across as a sanctimonious git.

I think you have more in common than you realise or else you wouldn't have ended up where you are in the first place. It's tough having kids, my youngest will be three in December, eldest just started secondary school a few weeks ago. We just have to get on with life and deal with whatever is thrown at us.

You need to concentrate on rekindling your relationship, not looking at pastures new. The fact that this old flame, friend (whatever), would get it on with you doesn't portray her in a positive light IMO. I was briefly flattered by the attention at the time but it reinforced my outlook that my own family come first these days, not me.

[RedWhiteMonkey]

boobles said:

Having a child does not automatically mean that you have to stay together forever!
Children can have a happy/great upbringing so long as both parents are part of their lives....

and if you leave the mother of your 18 month old child for another woman do you think access to that child is going to plain sailing?

[Soir]

Lots of couples break up when baby arrives due to the dynamics changing between the partners (stressful time and not getting much sex, you become parents and less lovers) if you thought your wife was the one before baby came along then just remember this.

If you have always had doubts about your wife (before kids/marriage) then that is bad and may not be right together but from your post, this suggests not


If you were a mate I'd tell you to stop being a dick. Just because sex isn't as exciting, you have a kid & family now. Dick

[schmalex]

DoTheRightThing said:

To complicate matters a women from my past has recently featured in my life more and the level of passion and emotion we share is hard to put into words. Intellectually she challenges me and stretches me and I think I find this incredibly refreshing and nourishing. She has signalled her desire to take things further, even moving to be with me and giving up a top salary in London to do so.

If you decide to pack in your family and go screw the new bird, don't, for goodness sake, let her give up her London salary. You will need every penny you can find when your fiancee's solicitor rips you a new one.

[Soov535]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Tonker LLP - advising with compassion (and calling it as it is) since 1994.

[ShyTallKnight]

DoTheRightThing said:

OH has talked of counselling but I have so far dismissed the idea that counselling can bring back a spark or feeling of desire - if its gone its gone no?

After everything I have been through over the last few years it is this statement that hit a chord with me..... We all know that relationships go through phases and sometimes unfortunately they fail. But I implore you to seek some professional help for you and your OH (I can recommend Relate) before you make any decisions for your childs sake. There was a spark once - maybe there can be again.

Regarding the OW you're judgement is being clouded by fantasy. End it with her now and concentrate on the immediate needs of your family.

[BoRED S2upid]

NiceCupOfTea said:

How would you feel about her with a new bloke, bringing up your kid?

This. Give this some serious thought. A few years down the line you may have left and are seeing your daughter once or twice a week with another man bringing her up taking her to school, picking her up, comforting her if she's had a bad day, your daughter telling you all this how great uncle tony has been he bought her a new hat, coat, bag, toy etc...

I couldn't cope with that. Do everything you possibly can to make it work.

[Foliage]

soad said:

Foliage said:

OP your an idiot. Pull it together..

I think he needs a holiday.

Yeah I do, or did you mean the OP, the OP just needs to get some prospective.

Their are people out their (like me) who would love to have a loving wife and a child but havent been lucky enough to find the right person who fits with them to make that leap. Those people are getting older and every year as much as they get joy from the advantages of being a single man, the loneliness that is in them is still an under current to their lives everyday, you are a lucky man, I envy you and your life. Please for the lonely ones of us out their who see you and your child in the supermarket (or where ever) and have a little smile and a pang of jealousy please dont give up.

Life has to be mundane and boring at times and make the exciting and forfilling times more so.

[Studio117]

[Impasse]

phil1979 said:

Impasse said:

How long do you think you have been depressed?

This may have been posted in jest, but the nail may have been squarely hit on the head with this one.

20mg of Citalopram a day can help you look up, if you get my drift.

I was far from joking. He's showing some classic symptoms and his relationship with the two people he should love the most is suffering. The refusal for marriage counselling is one aspect, but I'd suggest counselling for his own well-being first. Once he's in a better place mentally, he may be able to find joy in those around him again.
This other woman is just a distraction technique and hopefully will soon be recognised as such before he does something irreversible.

[Sheets Tabuer]

You haven't fallen out of love with your Mrs, you just have new tail on the scene.

Put her in the bank and stick with your kid.

[sc0tt]

Do what makes you happy OP.

This isn't a rehearsal.

You WILL regret every single waking minute if you make the incorrect decision. It will eat you inside and there will be no turning back.

Good Luck

[ikarl]

OP - you were right coming here and asking for advice before just jumping in with both feet.

Hopefully you will read these replies for what they are.... which is good advice.
You're getting a hard time and I'm hoping it's giving you the short-sharp-shock you may need.

Go for the counselling, try to rekindle what you had, or simply re-adjust your expectations.
I think PH is unanimous (for once) in that the grass is rarely any greener and in your circumstances very, very unlikely to be.

[anonymous-user]

OP, I think you should reflect very carefully on these words:

DoTheRightThing said:

I have a 18month year old daughter whom I love dearly and is the centre of my world. I have a beautiful, caring, patient and sensitive fiancé who loves me unconditionally and I know will stand by me until the end of our times.

I feel that if I leave I will be ruining my fiancés life, depriving my daughter of the secure and stable environment I enjoyed as a child, and removing the opportunity for her to enjoy siblings, family Christmas', family holidays.... it's just too much to bear and brings me to a juddering and tearful halt.

they have all universally warned me off developing my relationship with this other women and universally think the sun shines out of my OHs backside - which it does.

If I were to leave my fiancé I would be a pariah, my family would look on in disgust, her family who have been nothing but kind to me would be appalled.

It would destroy her.

This sentence:

DoTheRightThing said:

It feels like my life is on the brink of destruction.

is partly right. Your OH's and your daughter's lives are also on the brink of destruction. The only question is whether you are strong enough to stop that happening.

Stop thinking with your recently flattered cock and start acting like the parent you are.

[Chris Type R]

Shaoxter said:

There's plenty of internet forums to discuss that stuff.

I'd recommend www.mumsnet.com for some balance.

(I'm with the 100%, a young child does make life harder & almost certainly will make the grass look far greener.)

[Du1point8]

DoTheRightThing said:

I think I've probably always been aware we weren't exactly cut from the same cloth. She's a country girl I'm a city boy. She's always said "I'm the one", I've always known she would make a great mother and life companion and thought that would be enough. As I've grown older though, I want to talk about different things; art, politics, philosophical bks.... Not really her forte.

So to answer your question directly I think I've never had the opportunity I've got now and had it not come about then yes I would probably be content with the status quo but it HAS come about and I am being offered what I see as the potential for fulfilment.

I hear you ask? "Why the fk did you knock her up then, if you weren't sure??"

It's complicated. At the time of conception I was actually quite seriously ill and didn't know if I'd even see her be born. I guess I wanted to secure a legacy and leave my fiancé with a child she always wanted. I have since made a full recovery can see that the time was highly charged with emotion.

I read this and thought that he only decided to get her knocked up as he wanted a legacy and was ill, now that things are better OP wants to find someone better in OPs eyes and still have the legacy, all be it without having a hand in it anymore.

She stuck by you and thats how you want to leave it?

I honestly think after re-eading that she is better off without you as you just seem selfish and let her find better than you, not before you sign away your home, CSA and rights to your pension for being a selfish git.

[Westy Carl]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

[sc0tt]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Sounds great.

[phil1979]

ikarl said:

I think PH is unanimous (for once) in that the grass is rarely any greener and in your circumstances very, very unlikely to be.

Indeed.



Now, who's for a beer and a stagger to the strip club?

[Soov535]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

You're wasted in the law, honky tonk.