Divorced Dads. Does it get any easier?
Discussion
Matt_N said:
You're probably more than aware that every other weekend is not enough, but when my parents seperated me and my brother got to spend every other weekend with my Dad too.
It just wasn't enough and even now some 20ish years later, despite having many common interests, cycling, motorsport etc, sometimes I feel like I barely know him
Just to show the other side of this and my experience from the age of 2..It just wasn't enough and even now some 20ish years later, despite having many common interests, cycling, motorsport etc, sometimes I feel like I barely know him
Growing up we saw my dad every 2 out of 3 weekends. Roughly even split on Holidays (He moved ~180 miles away when I was 8 and made the 6 hour round trip to pick us up from school Friday afternoon and return us Monday morning). I absolutely never harboured any 'issue' with this, it's just how it was to me.
He always made sure we had things to do (but it wasn't all go go go) especially when younger, and as we grew up took a very active interest in our lives and would normally speak on the phone at least once a week either for advice or general chat. I couldn't feel closer to him now and don't didn't see the distance as an issue at all.
And as a kid it meant I got two Christmases which quite frankly, was a big win
Sorry to be brutal, but you have to build a new life. Some women can live their life through their kids, & grand kids , but not many men can.
They develop their own lives, even if they spent their childhood in the marital home, with both parents.
My eldest daughter, 32, with 2 kids, lives 40Km away, with a busy life. I talk to her by phone once a week or so, & see her & grand kids once every couple of weeks.
Son, 30, still single, lives 1250 Km away. Talk on phone probably weekly, & usually see him yearly. We are quite close, & he likes to bounce his ideas & plans off me.
Youngest daughter, 24, about to marry, lives 4,000Km away. Talk about twice monthly, & see a couple of times a year.
I do have a couple of younger friends who reckon they know their kids better, & have more quality time with them after separation. In one weekend a fortnight they actually spend more time with them, than they did when living under the same roof.
All you can do is build a new life, & make sure the time with your kids is good time.
They develop their own lives, even if they spent their childhood in the marital home, with both parents.
My eldest daughter, 32, with 2 kids, lives 40Km away, with a busy life. I talk to her by phone once a week or so, & see her & grand kids once every couple of weeks.
Son, 30, still single, lives 1250 Km away. Talk on phone probably weekly, & usually see him yearly. We are quite close, & he likes to bounce his ideas & plans off me.
Youngest daughter, 24, about to marry, lives 4,000Km away. Talk about twice monthly, & see a couple of times a year.
I do have a couple of younger friends who reckon they know their kids better, & have more quality time with them after separation. In one weekend a fortnight they actually spend more time with them, than they did when living under the same roof.
All you can do is build a new life, & make sure the time with your kids is good time.
Calza said:
Just to show the other side of this and my experience from the age of 2..
Growing up we saw my dad every 2 out of 3 weekends. Roughly even split on Holidays (He moved ~180 miles away when I was 8 and made the 6 hour round trip to pick us up from school Friday afternoon and return us Monday morning). I absolutely never harboured any 'issue' with this, it's just how it was to me.
He always made sure we had things to do (but it wasn't all go go go) especially when younger, and as we grew up took a very active interest in our lives and would normally speak on the phone at least once a week either for advice or general chat. I couldn't feel closer to him now and don't didn't see the distance as an issue at all.
And as a kid it meant I got two Christmases which quite frankly, was a big win
Perhaps I made our experience out to be worse than it was, ours was similar to yours. Growing up we saw my dad every 2 out of 3 weekends. Roughly even split on Holidays (He moved ~180 miles away when I was 8 and made the 6 hour round trip to pick us up from school Friday afternoon and return us Monday morning). I absolutely never harboured any 'issue' with this, it's just how it was to me.
He always made sure we had things to do (but it wasn't all go go go) especially when younger, and as we grew up took a very active interest in our lives and would normally speak on the phone at least once a week either for advice or general chat. I couldn't feel closer to him now and don't didn't see the distance as an issue at all.
And as a kid it meant I got two Christmases which quite frankly, was a big win
Dad drove down to pick us up and drop us off, he'd often bring us back early for football matches and watch us play.
We went on fantastic holidays with him and always had something to do when at his house be it mountain biking, karting, playing computer games, day trips etc.
But we did miss out on that general day to day stuff and knowing each other inside out and that's the bit that I miss.
I got divorced about 2 years ago, see my children every other weekend and have them in the holidays. Breaks my heart every time I take them back.
I am missing a significant part of their lives, always try to do stuff with them but usually end up being Dads taxi taking them to football & rugby matches. It's nice just to be able to sit on the sofa with them and watch a film.
I am missing a significant part of their lives, always try to do stuff with them but usually end up being Dads taxi taking them to football & rugby matches. It's nice just to be able to sit on the sofa with them and watch a film.
In my experience, no it doesnt get any easier, you just learn to deal with it.
My boy is 19 next week, we seperated when he was 3 (we were young, it just wasn't going to work), and yet, as he drove off, i still had that sadness, tinge of regret that i dont see him as much as i should/want to.
But the good news is, you can still have a good relationship with them, but you have to adjust your view of what that means, you'll miss a lot of stuff, but make the most of what you do have, don't drown them in financial gifts, focus more on emotional and positive reinforcement.
My boy is 19 next week, we seperated when he was 3 (we were young, it just wasn't going to work), and yet, as he drove off, i still had that sadness, tinge of regret that i dont see him as much as i should/want to.
But the good news is, you can still have a good relationship with them, but you have to adjust your view of what that means, you'll miss a lot of stuff, but make the most of what you do have, don't drown them in financial gifts, focus more on emotional and positive reinforcement.
Interesting to see all the replies. My children are both of secondary school age, which was when we split so they do at least remember me when we were altogether as a family.
What does hurt me is that my now ex-wife still sees the children most of the time and has a new partner. She just binned the bit of her life she no longer wanted, i.e me. That is sometimes quite hard to take.
I know I just have to count my blessings and realise other people are in very much worse situations and make the best of mine.
What does hurt me is that my now ex-wife still sees the children most of the time and has a new partner. She just binned the bit of her life she no longer wanted, i.e me. That is sometimes quite hard to take.
I know I just have to count my blessings and realise other people are in very much worse situations and make the best of mine.
Racing rabbit said:
I got divorced about 2 years ago, see my children every other weekend and have them in the holidays. Breaks my heart every time I take them back.
I am missing a significant part of their lives, always try to do stuff with them but usually end up being Dads taxi taking them to football & rugby matches. It's nice just to be able to sit on the sofa with them and watch a film.
Likewise, divorced 5 years now. I see my two every other weekend, Friday evening until Sunday evening. For me it's not all about days out and treats, it's about chilling on the sofa in front of Frozen (for the 20th time I am missing a significant part of their lives, always try to do stuff with them but usually end up being Dads taxi taking them to football & rugby matches. It's nice just to be able to sit on the sofa with them and watch a film.
) it's about a bag of chips in the park and knocking a ball about. I wish I could see them much, much more. Unfortunately the practicalities of my work and the ex's work means it's just got to be that way.
I haven't found the dropping off routine gets easier. I always leave with a very heavy heart feeling quite choked.
I still feel emotional when the kids go back to their mum despite us having been apart for about 12years, the last 7 of which they have lived 260 miles away. I can't feel anything but resentment to my ex for her moving down to Sussex without even discussing it with me, she had it all planned and moved whilst I was on holiday. I feel I have missed out massively on their lives but despite this I still have a pretty good relationship with them, luckily they are both sensible to make their own minds up about things so the ex hasn't been able to poison my relationship with them (despite a fair bit of effort including lies to the kids).
See my little girl every other weekend and 9 weeks hols.
Have to travel to europe for weekends.
Saying goodbye is hard.
The emotion of knowing its another 10 days till i see her.
And the not to pleasant feelings to my x. (Very unpleasant seperation)
Have to travel to europe for weekends.
Saying goodbye is hard.
The emotion of knowing its another 10 days till i see her.
And the not to pleasant feelings to my x. (Very unpleasant seperation)
Edited by philv on Sunday 5th October 13:39
See my little girl every other weekend and 9 weeks hols.
Have to travel to europe for weekends.
Saying goodbye is hard.
The emotion of knowing its another 10 days till i see her.
And the not to pleasant feelings to my x. (Very unpleasant seperation)
Have to travel to europe for weekends.
Saying goodbye is hard.
The emotion of knowing its another 10 days till i see her.
And the not to pleasant feelings to my x. (Very unpleasant seperation)
Edited by philv on Sunday 5th October 13:41
NormalWisdom said:
Pebbles167 said:
After a while i settled things down ro an amicable level with the ex and made a phonecall to my daughter every few nights. I found this helpful and made me much happier when we were apart.
How old are they? Would they be able to Skype perhaps??Not ideal I know but better than the alternative of not seeing them as often as you would like.
I've been lucky, married 33 years to a lovely girl, 3 grown up lads, we did have a couple of rocky patches at 7 and 14 years, but thankfully came through it with the help of Relate.
I feel for any PH'er, male or female who has had to go through the pain of divorce with young children, (including my brother), but he has come through it, married again to a great girl, and sees his grown up lads as often as he/they want.
It does get better (in most cases),.... take each week at a time.
stitched said:
Probably not helpful but when I split from the OH, long story, I binned my career and took a permanent job in a factory 7pm till 0330, meant I could collect my son from school every day and spend a couple of hours with him. Financially this was s
t but if you offered me a billion quid in exchange for that time I'd tell you to feck off. He's 15 now and my career is back on track. Best decision I ever made.
My dad did exactly the same thing, except he had custody of me (a very hard thing to do in the early 90's). Dropped career, working to suit a 3.30 pick up. Said he never wanted me to be a 'latch key kid'. 10 years later life for him started again (met a new woman, etc). There are lots of noble dads out there.t but if you offered me a billion quid in exchange for that time I'd tell you to feck off. He's 15 now and my career is back on track. Best decision I ever made.stuart-b said:
My dad did exactly the same thing, except he had custody of me (a very hard thing to do in the early 90's). Dropped career, working to suit a 3.30 pick up. Said he never wanted me to be a 'latch key kid'. 10 years later life for him started again (met a new woman, etc). There are lots of noble dads out there.
A colleague recently left an easy going 30k job on the mainland for a 17k factory shift job on the IOW. He's also gone from seeing his son 2 days a week to having him over at least 4. You can't buy time!Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff