Relationship falling apart
Discussion
Birdster said:
Sorry to hear this. It's late so I'm not sure how much advice you'll receive, but I'll try.
It sounds like a traumatic time for all involved.
Firstly, how did you both feel before the pregnancy and birth? Has this forced open cracks that were already there? Or is this just a rocky path?
This is not a dig at your manhood, or anything, but have you been there for her and supportive? Maybe with her hornmones and emotions all over the place you have to take some of her comments and moods on the chin? Has she not left the babies side? Is she taking too much on, not coping well with baby and then taking it out on you?
I promise that I'm not having a dig, im just trying to piece together the situation. The one person she probably feels stres with is the baby, but for obvious reasons doesn't take it out on the baby, but the other close person in her life. Does your fiancé have support with childcare, people taking her out for coffee?
Also, are you taking too much on? Have you got someone to help you? Or are you stressed at work? Working overtime and coming home and then being up all night with your child?
It might not be anyone's fault, but a few changes may be needed.
Yeah the birth forced her crack open. It was definitely already there as it was used to get her pregnant It sounds like a traumatic time for all involved.
Firstly, how did you both feel before the pregnancy and birth? Has this forced open cracks that were already there? Or is this just a rocky path?
This is not a dig at your manhood, or anything, but have you been there for her and supportive? Maybe with her hornmones and emotions all over the place you have to take some of her comments and moods on the chin? Has she not left the babies side? Is she taking too much on, not coping well with baby and then taking it out on you?
I promise that I'm not having a dig, im just trying to piece together the situation. The one person she probably feels stres with is the baby, but for obvious reasons doesn't take it out on the baby, but the other close person in her life. Does your fiancé have support with childcare, people taking her out for coffee?
Also, are you taking too much on? Have you got someone to help you? Or are you stressed at work? Working overtime and coming home and then being up all night with your child?
It might not be anyone's fault, but a few changes may be needed.
Edited by Birdster on Saturday 18th October 00:14
DrDoofenshmirtz said:
You're just a typical new father who's not the centre of attention any more.
Don't worry - it gets better after a while...around 12-13 years typically.
I don't care about being the centre of attention. I was just seeing if anyone had gone through a similar thing where you fall out all of the time.Don't worry - it gets better after a while...around 12-13 years typically.
Wacky Racer said:
I have three grown up lads over 25, so have been through this years ago, trust me things will get better, regarding the "milk" episode you should have just handed little 'un over and said "Fine, you try", and I don't mean in a stroppy voice.
Relationships/Marriage are not easy. (except for the lucky few), sometimes you have to bite your lip and let things blow over.
Also keep a box to save things like school reports etc, I still have mine from 1957.....
I have loads and loads of pictures. Relationships/Marriage are not easy. (except for the lucky few), sometimes you have to bite your lip and let things blow over.
- Off topic*
Also keep a box to save things like school reports etc, I still have mine from 1957.....
I can sympathise with a lot of you chaps. We have a 14 month old and knew having a child would be hard work but my word nothing can prepare you for the first 3 months or so! We never argued but tiredness, stress of being completely unaware of right and wrong etc makes for a snappy environment. Eventually you find your rythym and your baby starts to sleep 7 hours plus and things ease and life becomes more easier again. Don't get me wrong, I love every minute from birth to now and don't regret a second. It really is just a matter of sucking it up and getting on with it. You will have so many amazing moments you need to enjoy. Sit down with your partner and talk it out. If you don't you will regret all the arguments over such an incredible time. You will still argue but you will understand why.
Well done for being so honest, soooo many people just claim its the best time ever and pretend it went off without any issue at all and that really annoys me! Why lie??? Anyway. Hang on in there and work as a team.
Stu
Well done for being so honest, soooo many people just claim its the best time ever and pretend it went off without any issue at all and that really annoys me! Why lie??? Anyway. Hang on in there and work as a team.
Stu
Some cracking advice on here. I don't know if it has been said yet but even if you adjust your approach and she still carries on being 'unreasonable' don't automatically think her problem is you, it could be post natal depression. Some women get it without history of depression and with a traumatic birth it wouldn't be surprising. I'm not saying assume this right now, only if in time she doesn't improve when, hand on heart, you can say you've pulled your finger out.
All those worries and insecurities you have about your own parenting ability and the fragility and vulnerability of a new baby - she is feeling all this plus more probably coupled with intimate lady issues downstairs and then the hormones!
All those worries and insecurities you have about your own parenting ability and the fragility and vulnerability of a new baby - she is feeling all this plus more probably coupled with intimate lady issues downstairs and then the hormones!
stuno1 said:
I can sympathise with a lot of you chaps. We have a 14 month old and knew having a child would be hard work but my word nothing can prepare you for the first 3 months or so! We never argued but tiredness, stress of being completely unaware of right and wrong etc makes for a snappy environment. Eventually you find your rythym and your baby starts to sleep 7 hours plus and things ease and life becomes more easier again. Don't get me wrong, I love every minute from birth to now and don't regret a second. It really is just a matter of sucking it up and getting on with it. You will have so many amazing moments you need to enjoy. Sit down with your partner and talk it out. If you don't you will regret all the arguments over such an incredible time. You will still argue but you will understand why.
Well done for being so honest, soooo many people just claim its the best time ever and pretend it went off without any issue at all and that really annoys me! Why lie??? Anyway. Hang on in there and work as a team.
Stu
Good advice.Well done for being so honest, soooo many people just claim its the best time ever and pretend it went off without any issue at all and that really annoys me! Why lie??? Anyway. Hang on in there and work as a team.
Stu
Some excellent advice on here which i think you should follow in regards to how you treat your other half, but deep down, OP i think you need to have a word with yourself. Your relationship is not failing apart, its just got alot more difficult. These are the hard yards and your the dad so you have to MTFU. You talk about splitting up because its been difficult for 5 weeks. If parenting is a horse race this would be the equalivant of being shot in the paddock before you even get to the starting line. I'm sorry if this sounds hard, but you've got to get on with it, its head down now, for what is easily the most important thing you will ever do and you've got to step up, get on with it and hit being a dad out of the park...
Edited by Itsallicanafford on Sunday 19th October 13:28
I reckon, OP, if you take heed of the advice that folk have posted here, you'll do great.
It's obvious that you are trying to do the right things for the right reasons. All your posts suggest you want to be the father your daughter deserves. You've hit a few problems early on and asked for advice rather than let it fester. Can't fault any of that at all
Someone earlier on mentioned taking loads of photos of baby - I definitely recommend this. You and mrs can look through the pics and see how your little daughter changes week by week - at this early stage it's amazing how fast it happens - which will get you both relaxing and smiling together.
As a dad I found that things became more and more fun as time went on and our daughter became more and more interactive. Newborns are very cute but they don't do a lot, whereas over the coming months when she starts smiling, giggling, rolling about etc you're able to participate more. Our little girl is 2-and-a-half now, she's incredibly agile and bright and absolutely full of excitement and energy. She can hold proper conversations, tell me everything she's done while I've been at work, make cups of pretend tea in her toy kitchen, demand a cuddle, she wants to know what everything is and what it does. There is never a dull moment.
It's ace. You've got it all to look forward to, and you'll love it.
It's obvious that you are trying to do the right things for the right reasons. All your posts suggest you want to be the father your daughter deserves. You've hit a few problems early on and asked for advice rather than let it fester. Can't fault any of that at all
Someone earlier on mentioned taking loads of photos of baby - I definitely recommend this. You and mrs can look through the pics and see how your little daughter changes week by week - at this early stage it's amazing how fast it happens - which will get you both relaxing and smiling together.
As a dad I found that things became more and more fun as time went on and our daughter became more and more interactive. Newborns are very cute but they don't do a lot, whereas over the coming months when she starts smiling, giggling, rolling about etc you're able to participate more. Our little girl is 2-and-a-half now, she's incredibly agile and bright and absolutely full of excitement and energy. She can hold proper conversations, tell me everything she's done while I've been at work, make cups of pretend tea in her toy kitchen, demand a cuddle, she wants to know what everything is and what it does. There is never a dull moment.
It's ace. You've got it all to look forward to, and you'll love it.
aw51 121565 said:
Post Natal Depression, anyone mentioned it yet? 
This nettle needs to be grasped, it is not uncommon and isn't fun for anyone concerned...
The best of wishes to the OP and their partner (and new kid)
.
This. Post Natal Depression can affect both men and women. Recognise it and see someone who can help. This nettle needs to be grasped, it is not uncommon and isn't fun for anyone concerned...
The best of wishes to the OP and their partner (and new kid)
.I remember when we had our lad, the first 6 months were very difficult indeed, as my wife, quite rightly, put 100% of her efforts into focussing on him. It took a fair while to establish a rhythm that worked for all of us. We went through some tough times, but have been rewarded by now having a truly delightful 11yr old who is polite, articulate, kind, generous, fun and simply brilliant to be around.
Having a child changes everything and you have to work at re-establishing an equilibrium. Don't give up after 7 weeks. Support your wife. Realise that, for the time being, you are rated somewhere below the goldfish in order of importance, but understand why and do everything you can to help her with the new person that she is 100% responsible for.
Is PND not at least partly explained by the fact that some parents (usually Mums) get so excited about babies and pregnancy, and just fail to really comprehend that there is a reality, and a reality which is really difficult, and your previous life just IS gone? Do they at some point just go oh s
t, this isn't just a dolly I can put down and pick up when i want, put it in the drawer when i've got other things to do... it's an actual thing I've done that I can't go back from? When the reality hits like a hundred brick walls, maybe this does trigger anxiety and depression. I hear women just get so giddy about it, it just sounds like they're talking about going on holiday or something that's just purely fun with no downsides, and I do want to shake them a bit. That and the hormones involved in pregnancy, it's not surprised lots of women go mentile then and in the weeks and months after their kid is born. I do accept there is an instinct that kicks in with women where they just need to look after something ASAP, and that men do not have this and generally don't give a fk and just get carried along with it. I'd never want to NOT have kids, but I feel I have a healthy dose of reality and am crapping myself about it all TBH.
t, this isn't just a dolly I can put down and pick up when i want, put it in the drawer when i've got other things to do... it's an actual thing I've done that I can't go back from? When the reality hits like a hundred brick walls, maybe this does trigger anxiety and depression. I hear women just get so giddy about it, it just sounds like they're talking about going on holiday or something that's just purely fun with no downsides, and I do want to shake them a bit. That and the hormones involved in pregnancy, it's not surprised lots of women go mentile then and in the weeks and months after their kid is born. I do accept there is an instinct that kicks in with women where they just need to look after something ASAP, and that men do not have this and generally don't give a fk and just get carried along with it. I'd never want to NOT have kids, but I feel I have a healthy dose of reality and am crapping myself about it all TBH. Blown2CV said:
Is PND not at least partly explained by the fact that some parents (usually Mums) get so excited about babies and pregnancy, and just fail to really comprehend that there is a reality, and a reality which is really difficult, and your previous life just IS gone?
If that was the case then PND would primarily affect new mothers, in reality there are women who don't have PND with their first born, but then have it with their second, or sometimes their third.In reality I suspect that PND is increasing due to two massive factors;
1. Less local support network. In "the old days" people didn't move very far away, so a new Mum would be living at number 23, her Mum would be down at number 27, mother in law would be a street away and a sister or sister in law would be round the corner. That's three, potentially four, women with a great deal of experience in close proximity who would pop round an almost daily basis to check how Mum is doing and giving her a hand when needed. Nowadays most women are lucky if they have their Mum or mum-in-law within a 5 mile radius let alone two doors away.
2. The HUGE amount of conflicting information. The internet is great, but it's also terrible. "My baby has been crying for 3 hours solid, what do I do?", you can get answers from "it's normal" to "you're not feeding it enough" or "it could be really sick, take it to A&E" or flat out "if you can't tell then there's something wrong with your instincts, you're a terrible mother". Not to mention the whole breast feeding vs bottle feeding, cloth nappies vs disposable, slings vs prams, moses baskets and cots vs co-sleeping, etc etc etc.
Not saying that PND didn't happen 100 years ago, because it did, but I suspect the rates were lower then than they are now.
You need to realise that out of the 3 of you, you are the least important person and need to act as such, roll over, do what you are told and suck it up, bite your lip. It will soon pass.
Give her and the baby all your support and guidance as much as you can, you have just got to make things work & keep everyone happy, its hard work but its worth it.
Give her and the baby all your support and guidance as much as you can, you have just got to make things work & keep everyone happy, its hard work but its worth it.
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