Relationship falling apart

[jke11y]

I just typed a reply and it vanished when I went to post it. Sigh.

I am glad you have been able to take on board the advice in this thread. For some perspective, my baby son Rafferty was born 13 weeks ago yesterday, and passed away aged 9 weeks.

It has been the best and worst 13 weeks of my life. My wife and I have not had a split second of arguing or fighting in the 4 weeks that he was perfectly healthy or since.

I guess what I am getting at is that sometimes the little things get in the way of the big things. You genuinely don't know how lucky you are.

[andy-xr]

Oakey said:

Nah, we're not heading for a row, she's just very negative. I don't know where it's come from. Like if she's struggling with the baby and I make a suggestion she'll just dismiss it and insist it won't work without even trying. Then there's other things, for example if she's struggling to get him to sleep and I try, if he immediately settles and goes right to sleep instead of being happy he's nodded off she seems even more angrier, as if she resents that I was able to get him to sleep when she couldn't.

Can I make a suggestion? Blokes are solutions providers, and sometimes that doesnt translate over to woman logic. If you havent already, pick up a copy of that Men are from Mars thing, it's old hat now and tbh the problems you're talking about wont be fixed by it, but it might make things easier to deal with with thinking about how you approach these suggestions you're making

[funkyrobot]

jke11y said:

I just typed a reply and it vanished when I went to post it. Sigh.

I am glad you have been able to take on board the advice in this thread. For some perspective, my baby son Rafferty was born 13 weeks ago yesterday, and passed away aged 9 weeks.

It has been the best and worst 13 weeks of my life. My wife and I have not had a split second of arguing or fighting in the 4 weeks that he was perfectly healthy or since.

I guess what I am getting at is that sometimes the little things get in the way of the big things. You genuinely don't know how lucky you are.

Wow. Really sorry to hear that.

Sort of puts my worries into perspective.

Hope you are both doing ok.

[Oakey]

jke11y said:

I just typed a reply and it vanished when I went to post it. Sigh.

I am glad you have been able to take on board the advice in this thread. For some perspective, my baby son Rafferty was born 13 weeks ago yesterday, and passed away aged 9 weeks.

It has been the best and worst 13 weeks of my life. My wife and I have not had a split second of arguing or fighting in the 4 weeks that he was perfectly healthy or since.

I guess what I am getting at is that sometimes the little things get in the way of the big things. You genuinely don't know how lucky you are.

[S10GTA]

jke11y said:

I just typed a reply and it vanished when I went to post it. Sigh.

I am glad you have been able to take on board the advice in this thread. For some perspective, my baby son Rafferty was born 13 weeks ago yesterday, and passed away aged 9 weeks.

It has been the best and worst 13 weeks of my life. My wife and I have not had a split second of arguing or fighting in the 4 weeks that he was perfectly healthy or since.

I guess what I am getting at is that sometimes the little things get in the way of the big things. You genuinely don't know how lucky you are.

Wow. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking about that has made it rather dusty in here

[Granville]

If you can, just try and bite your tongue if you feel an argument coming on or you're going to snap at your partner.

The first few months, hell even the first year are very tiring. As a new Mum, you have hormones all over the shop, tiredness, lack of sleep, a new responsibility relying on you. Your partner will possibly be struggling with adjusting to being a Mum as well as a partner and finding herself.

And there will be times that whatever you do or say will be wrong, even if it's right.

Bear with it if you can, it will all come good (hopefully) in time, and as your little one gets older and less demanding it does get easier.

[hornetrider]

jke11y said:

I just typed a reply and it vanished when I went to post it. Sigh.

I am glad you have been able to take on board the advice in this thread. For some perspective, my baby son Rafferty was born 13 weeks ago yesterday, and passed away aged 9 weeks.

It has been the best and worst 13 weeks of my life. My wife and I have not had a split second of arguing or fighting in the 4 weeks that he was perfectly healthy or since.

I guess what I am getting at is that sometimes the little things get in the way of the big things. You genuinely don't know how lucky you are.

Oh no

So sorry to hear that, hope you're all coping ok.

[jke11y]

Thanks for the thoughts people. It has been the best of times from birth to 4 weeks and then the worst of times since. We are currently on holiday for a month travelling around, in Thailand now, just to try and clear the heads.

We are a strong pair of people in normal life (OH is a corporate lawyer, I am a bearded red bull can throwing company director) and we are looking to the positives and plotting a course through it.

I wasn't trying to wade into the thread with bad vibes, more a poignant reminder of what can happen that is completely out of your control; and why it is imperative to control the things you can, whether they are your feelings or how your behaviour can make others feel.

[Kateg28]

hora said:

You might feel like you no longer get along, the baby has ruined your relationship. At this point you might start to think Joanne in Marketing is quite cute and you feel able to tell her everything and feel soo relaxed with her. Everythings uncomplicated with her.

Thats when my mate left the Mother of a 18month old and a 2month old baby to shack up with a single/childless woman from work. He said best sex he'd had in a longtime (no st sherlock, its not rocket science why).

Don't make the same mistake.

Yep, happened to me. Except the baby was 3 weeks and 1 day old. Very traumatic and difficult. 16 years later now so I am over it.

jke11y said:

I just typed a reply and it vanished when I went to post it. Sigh.

I am glad you have been able to take on board the advice in this thread. For some perspective, my baby son Rafferty was born 13 weeks ago yesterday, and passed away aged 9 weeks.

It has been the best and worst 13 weeks of my life. My wife and I have not had a split second of arguing or fighting in the 4 weeks that he was perfectly healthy or since.

I guess what I am getting at is that sometimes the little things get in the way of the big things. You genuinely don't know how lucky you are.

No words, simply no words. I have no idea how you can even deal with this event.

[jke11y]

Kateg28 said:

No words, simply no words. I have no idea how you can even deal with this event.

Because you have to deal with it, we have no choice; it is sink or swim.

We want to continue building our family and if you let the black hole eat you up then that is the end of that.

[Davey S2]

jke11y said:

I just typed a reply and it vanished when I went to post it. Sigh.

I am glad you have been able to take on board the advice in this thread. For some perspective, my baby son Rafferty was born 13 weeks ago yesterday, and passed away aged 9 weeks.

It has been the best and worst 13 weeks of my life. My wife and I have not had a split second of arguing or fighting in the 4 weeks that he was perfectly healthy or since.

I guess what I am getting at is that sometimes the little things get in the way of the big things. You genuinely don't know how lucky you are.

Desperetely sorry to hear this.

My daughter is just over 6 months old and it's been very hard work.

My wife had a nightmare labour with a very painful 24 hour labour which ended up in a c section but her uterus tore like a wet paper bag so we were in the operating theatre for over 3 hours. It really took the shine off giving birth for her but we have a beautiful and healthy daughter.

One of the couples on our NCT course lost there little boy during labour. They were the last of the couples to go into labour so we had all of the good news from each couple as their kids were born then silence from this couple for weeks after their due induction date so we all feared the worst. They emailed about a month after to tell us what happened and that they lost their son during the labour. It could have very easily been us instead.

No matter how tired or snappy I feel just thinking of what could have been is enough to snap me out of it and thank my blessings.

It does get easier though so just get on with it and try and enjoy it.

[E36GUY]

Blown2CV said:

you don't need to have a serious talk, you need to step back from it and realise that it's the stress of the new baby, adjustment to that etc. It will be hard, it always is.

This. If you were a strong couple before you will be again. Got to remember that even 7 weeks after birth, her hormones are still all over the place as her body re-adjusts back to some type of normality after gestating your offspring. Think of it like vicious PMT coupled with severe lack of sleep. Your job is to STFU, be supportive and involved and don't add fuel to the fire. It will calm itself down in due course.

[tonyvid]

All this reminds me exactly why I never wanted babies and young children - ever. You are bigger people than I could be in these situations It just wasn't for me.

[Oakey]

Davey S2 said:

Desperetely sorry to hear this.

My daughter is just over 6 months old and it's been very hard work.

My wife had a nightmare labour with a very painful 24 hour labour which ended up in a c section but her uterus tore like a wet paper bag so we were in the operating theatre for over 3 hours. It really took the shine off giving birth for her but we have a beautiful and healthy daughter.

One of the couples on our NCT course lost there little boy during labour. They were the last of the couples to go into labour so we had all of the good news from each couple as their kids were born then silence from this couple for weeks after their due induction date so we all feared the worst. They emailed about a month after to tell us what happened and that they lost their son during the labour. It could have very easily been us instead.

No matter how tired or snappy I feel just thinking of what could have been is enough to snap me out of it and thank my blessings.

It does get easier though so just get on with it and try and enjoy it.

We also had a difficult time, not quite to your extent but no matter how hard she tried Miss Oakey just couldn't push Little Oakey out and after about six hours of labour I noticed the looks on the faces of the staff had turned from excitement and joy to concern as his heart rate started to become erratic. I really didn't think he was going to make it, in the end they had to suck him out which brought on an entire new concern ("oh my god look at his head! that'll sort itself out, right?!")

[Kateg28]

jke11y said:

Because you have to deal with it, we have no choice; it is sink or swim.

We want to continue building our family and if you let the black hole eat you up then that is the end of that.

I can resonate a bit with that. When people heard I was left with a 3 week old baby they often say "I don't know how you coped" to which my reply is "What other option was there?".

My heart goes out to you and tonight I will go and hug my son and give thanks he is healthy and here. (He is 16 and will not be impressed at being hugged but I will hold food in one hand to distract him ).

I wish you both well as you gradually heal together.

[Pappagallo]

Firstly I must also express my sympathies to jke11y. Sobering indeed.

I've found this thread very helpful. We know a few couples with young babies but everyone seems to make out that it's all fine and dandy and no one ever talks about the effect on their relationships.

We're now 11 months in and I'm still finding it tough, but I can see so many similarities between mine and the experiences of others here.
The arguments started pretty much as soon as we got home, and it has very often been eggshells time ever since. Trouble is, I'm not very good at letting things go, so things will often escalate over something trivial. I can definitely do better in this regard.

I've seen a different side to my OH, and not in a good way. She looks at me with such hate sometimes! A few months ago it occurred to me that a line had been crossed in terms of how we speak to each other - a boundary of respect I suppose. It seemed like it was too easy for her to talk to me like crap and I was worried there was no way back.

But as with so many things, time takes care of it. It's still difficult at times but the positives definitely outweigh the negatives and we are still very close. Just as things were settling down we've added some more stress by moving house and me finding a new job, but both these things will work out in the long run. She's also just returned to work so she's now got the stress of her job to deal with too, which of course is passed on to me a lot.

All the best with it.

Edited by Pappagallo on Tuesday 21st October 17:09

[HTP99]

Interesting reading the troubles that couples can have when a baby comes on the scene, both myself and the wife had our first at a very young age; me 17 and her 18, she lived at home for 9 months until we got enough money together to move in together however even though I still lived at home I was at her house at pretty much every waking hour and I can honestly say the whole thing went smoothly and there has been no relationship problems due to a little one coming on the scene.

6.5 years later we had a second and again no relationship problems, we worked together and shared everything with regards to the baby.

23 years after we first got together we are still together and happy.

I do think that there is too much "advice" out there for new parents that is too easily accessible nowadays what with the internet and so many discussion websites and forums, it can make a young mother, particularly who is still fragile from 9 months build up and then birth, worry unnecesarily; can I do this, can I do that, should I be doing this, should I be doing that etc.

I look at the worry and procedures that my sister had when it came to my niece and nephew, she followed things by the book before, during and after pregnancy,and I see my brother in law fret over the most stupid things with his 1 year old and he was a nightmare with his wife when she was pregnant, there was so much stress there that just wasn't needed and wasn't helpful.

When we had our first there were a few books out there and advice from parents that had done it all before and that was it, being laid back helps too.

[StuntmanMike]

jke11y said:

Because you have to deal with it, we have no choice; it is sink or swim.

We want to continue building our family and if you let the black hole eat you up then that is the end of that.

Good luck.

[Pit Pony]

funkyrobot said:

traumatic circumstances.

we're both knackered

In relation to my fiancée, I don't know what to think. My thoughts around how I feel about her are perilously numb.

Thanks all.

So wife is probably still going through mental hell due to the birth, and after effects? Both of you are totally fatigued, and neither of you is unable to communicate, and you feel nothing but numb.

You are so knackered that you are unable to see any causation ?

Try flowers. Try asking a relative to come and help out whilst you sleep. Try phoning in sick for a couple of days. Try talking about what happened. Try thinking "I wonder what post natal depression is like.

Try crying.