Relationship falling apart

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ShyTallKnight said:

What you both are experiencing is totally normal in my experience it's a voyage of discovery with the first child.... Take a step back accept everything your OH says is gospel (even if you disagree) and I'm sure you'll be fine we've all been there.... Chin up kidda

Okey dokey.

I'll see how it goes.

I'll still be in the wrong though.

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Thanks mjb.

Your words make a lot of sense.

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scott15 said:

The Mrs came first, so i'd get rid of the kid.

The kid makes me happier.

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mart 63 said:

funkyrobot said:

mart 63 said:

I'm old and there aint much light in our cardboard box.So sorry about the keyboard error.

Have you tried white cardboard? It reflects the light better.

No mate I haven't, but I could tell you a long story about my life, which involves 5 kids and a renovation of a 230 year old cottage.Trust me you have an easy life.But it does get better, so I was told.

Did you hire the kids as workers to renovate the building?

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Thanks for the advice all. Very, very useful and all being taken on board.

I'm going to let my fiancée do what she wants to do. I'll keep playing the support role.

Feel shattered again this morning, but that's normal now. I think it's worse for me when you get to the weekend after a long week at work.

Will see if I can do anything today and let my fiancée rest. I have been doing this since they got home. I just need to take a step back.

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WinstonWolf said:

Mate, it's not easy but it's not about you any more unfortunately. You just need to learn when to say "yes dear, sorry dear"

You are now living with a very protective mentaler, you need to find ways to adjust and to figure out coping strategies of your own

She's gone through massive changes, it could well be PND, it comes in lots of different flavours and degrees. Do you have access to a health visitor you could talk to?

I've just had a look and there's fk all advice out there for new dads, it's all about mum. Yeah, we all know that but where does dad turn when he finds it tough adapting to the changes?

My advice is you're a bit of a st pedaller, I'd go for long bike rides when she's cranky. It'll get you out of the way and is a great way of destressing so you're better able to cope with her understandable mood swings.

My other advice is ignore my advice, we split up 18 months after the birth of my youngest mainly due to PND.

Bike rides sound good. The splitting up doesn't.

I agree, it's all about the mum at the moment. She's been crying this morning and has gone off to get her flu jab. I'm at home with the little one and have just done bottle etc. She is sleeping now in her crib so I've sneaked on here.

Fiancee had a big chat to my mum this morning. She actually thinks that I may have PND. Could be correct you know. I'll see how it goes.

Crazy thing is I made a little letter yesterday that I had written from our little girl to her mum. It had a little story about the birth and how she had to go off to Sheffield, but really wanted to be with mummy and daddy so tried to get better soon. It also had a bit about how much mummy means to her, had lots of photos and said she loves her mummy and daddy so much. This made mummy cry, a lot.

Funny to think that a few hours later we were falling out.

Oh well. I've had some really good advice on here and I've already implemented it. Thanks again all.

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Piglet said:

Do the practical stuff, clean the house (properly don't fanny around), do the washing, take the washing to the launderette to get it dried so you aren't living with a house full of babygros, actually scrap that, buy a tumble dryer and don't bh about the cost of running it.

Do the background stuff, quietly, without wanting thanks or attention just do it. Don't be surprised if it's wrong, just put it right, do not respond to her bhing at you. Do not follow her around today telling
her she should rest, do the practical stuff so that she feels she can rest. Be a help, not another problem for .

Ihert's about her and your daughter for the moment, it won't always be but right now it is.

I do this already.

She was saying to my mum on the phone how good I am with everything. We just fall out.

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DocJock said:

hornetrider said:

Whilst you are finding your way the best thing is to go along with what mum wants to do. She had a traumatic birth and all she needs is support. Let her organise and take control if she wants but offer to do stuff for her to take a load off her. Time for a bit of self sacrifice.

If this thread reaches 100 pages, this will still be the best advice you will receive.

I agree.

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andy-xr said:

funkyrobot said:

Will see if I can do anything today and let my fiancée rest. I have been doing this since they got home. I just need to take a step back.

And stop trying to fix everything, you'll end up like a Mother Hen and there's only room for one of those. You havent got the tits for it, it's not your role.

Be Robin to her Batman and all that st

Very well put.

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craig_m67 said:

loafer123 said:

Reading between the lines, all your posts are about you, but at this point it isn't about you, it is about the baby and the mother.

You're a real adult now, so behave like one.

This, have a word with yourself and get your act together.
This time (first mths) is actually fleeting, the years that follow are gorgeous and not to be missed.

By all means keep the thread whining along though, it's amusing

Cheers love.

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MentalSarcasm said:

Just so we're clear, use your initiative. Don't ask "is there anything I can do?" because if she says "no" and you then disappear for the day then you'll come home to another argument.

Is the dishwasher full of clean dishes? Yes? Empty it.
Is the sideboard covered in crumbs from breakfast? Yes? Give it a quick wipe down.
Is the washing basket full of laundry? Yes? Load up the washing machine.
Do your shirts need to be ironed for Monday? Yes? Then find the iron, if you don't know HOW to iron a shirt then don't ask, just load up a Youtube video (or ask on PH and you might get one sensible answer).
Don't get the hoover out until the little one is already awake!

Also Waitrose have got Dinner for Two for £10 this weekend; choice of a start or dessert, plus a main course, plus a side dish, plus a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates. Find your local Waitrose and get something nice in for you two to have for dinner tonight, you're cooking.

We have no diswasher. I wash up loads.
Sideboard cleared. I clear it every time I see it (OCD).
Washing is done regularly. I do just crack on, you know.
I iron all of my clothes and hers all of the time. She never irons.
Hoover is primed for later when little one wakes up.
Waitrose is 20 odd miles or so away. We have M&S, Sainsbury's, Morrisons or Aldi and Lidl.

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chonok said:

Your original post sounds almost exactly like I felt after our first was born.

It honestly does get easier, you just both need a little time to adjust to your new responsibilities and the lack of sleep does make things 10 times worse.

All good advice on here (that I wish that I had had when i was in your position)

Just stick it out for now and try not to let it upset you too much. You can only try your best, and it sounds like you are.

Come back to this thread in 18 months and I can almost guarantee things will be much better.

It is right that it does change you (and your relationship with your OH) forever, but it is also great at the same time - i'm on my second now!

Just hang on in there - it will be worth it...

Thanks. Good to know others have felt like me and come out of the other side good. I know that men will have felt the same for years, but it's good to see an example on here.

PH has only been around for 10 or so years.

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loafer123 said:

Reading between the lines, all your posts are about you, but at this point it isn't about you, it is about the baby and the mother.

You're a real adult now, so behave like one.

Don't mean them to sound that way, but it's interesting when you read back through the thread.

I think (as I have said previously) I have been trying too hard.

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oldbanger said:

I would also like to chip in to say that you need to be very honest with yourself about your manner and demeanour at the moment. If you are offering and providing help with any hint of passive agression, anger, resentment, she will, in her heightened emotional state read you like a book and react to I it fully, in a way she probably didn't or wouldn't before baby.

Indeed. Maybe I've been too harsh when told by her that she wants to take over. I'll just let her now.

I've also been feeling very guilty about going anywhere apart from work. Maybe a few hours out and away will help us. I can feel a bike ride coming on.

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WinstonWolf said:

A bit of "me" time will probably do you both good.

Good luck with the ride, the turbines on those fens will be going mental today

I have neglected the bikes as of late. It'll probably cheer her up to see me back on the cycle.

Yes, it's a bit blustery out there today.

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I suppose it's worth noting here that I had some medical help earlier in the year due to anxiety issues. To put it blindly, I worry far too much (apparently).

I guess this isn't helped when a baby enters your life.

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surveyor said:

Does your Fiance recognise that anything is wrong?

Are the arguments invoked by you or other half? Are they rational?

To me it sounds like it could be PND, and should at least be checked out and discussed.

My SiL went bat st crazy after birth (she's mildly improved now) and needed a lot of support. She did not accept anything was wrong with her until she collapsed into a wreck.

I'm wrong.

As mentioned above by Blown2CV, I snap when I'm really stressed. It takes a while for me to get there because I'm normally quite calm. However, if it all comes crashing down I do indeed bite.

Last night's incident was a prime example of that. Milk was going everywhere because baby was hungry and was guzzling. Fiancee said let her do it, but I wanted to as I want to know I can do these things on my own. It carried on and eventually I snapped. In hindsight, I should have just handed baby over and let her take over. I know what to do now.

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Oakey said:

I'm in the same position as you OP.

We have a seven month old, when he first came home I'd get up in the night and feed him and change him so she could have a break. Then after about 5 weeks or so my other half started taking over completely. She does all his baths, even though I've offered and want to she just says she'll do it. She now gives him all his bottles and I don't get to feed him his sloppy food after the one time I did I was told off for scooping it back up as he spat it out and trying to feed it back to him (apparently that was 'disgusting'). I don't change nappies anymore, again, I was told off after attempting to change a wet nappy that 'wasn't wet enough' so she does them now. It's that bad that she even insists on getting him out of his car seat when we've been out in the car.

At least you get left with yours. In seven months I've never looked after our son whilst she goes out and does something. At most I'm left with him for 10-20minutes whilst she has a shower or makes dinner. I offered to take him to my mums on Saturdays so my mum could spend some time with him (she rarely gets to see him) and give her a break (something she complains she never gets) but her response to that idea was like I'd just suggested kidnapping him.

All of this caused no end of arguments as I felt I wasn't getting to bond with my son but I soon realised it was futile so now I simply don't bother arguing about it.

It's frustrating because I have a 15yr old from a previous relationship we had when we were 17 and I had none of these issues. His mother would look after him in the day, I'd come home from work, we'd have dinner, she'd go out to work from 6pm till 10.30pm and I was left to feed, bath and put baby to sleep. There was never any arguments about who did what, we just got on with things equally. It's odd to think this was easier when I was 17.

Wow. I really feel for you.

Our situation isn't like that, yet. I'm hoping it doesn't get like that either.

However, my fiancee has already taken over all of the night stuff. It's very rare that I do much apart from cuddle the baby or change a nappy after midnight.

I do hope you can get something sorted, if you still can. Your situation reminds me of that which one of my fiancee's work colleagues is in. She simply won't let the father do anything with their two children. My fiancee has been saying she doesn't want us to end up like them. I'm hoping we don't.

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castex said:

Yes it was. OP you have to really swallow your ego at this point; it's all about mummy and baby.

This is the thing, I don't have an ego and I'm not being selfish. I posted because we are having problems. If anything, my issues have arisen from trying too hard and worrying too much.

Off to do more with the baby now.

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DrDoofenshmirtz said:

You're just a typical new father who's not the centre of attention any more.
Don't worry - it gets better after a while...around 12-13 years typically.

I don't care about being the centre of attention. I was just seeing if anyone had gone through a similar thing where you fall out all of the time.