Relationship falling apart

[loafer123]

Reading between the lines, all your posts are about you, but at this point it isn't about you, it is about the baby and the mother.

You're a real adult now, so behave like one.

[Piglet]

Do the practical stuff, clean the house (properly don't fanny around), do the washing, take the washing to the launderette to get it dried so you aren't living with a house full of babygros, actually scrap that, buy a tumble dryer and don't bh about the cost of running it.

Do the background stuff, quietly, without wanting thanks or attention just do it. Don't be surprised if it's wrong, just put it right, do not respond to her bhing at you. Do not follow her around today telling
her she should rest, do the practical stuff so that she feels she can rest. Be a help, not another problem for .

Ihert's about her and your daughter for the moment, it won't always be but right now it is.

[DocJock]

hornetrider said:

Whilst you are finding your way the best thing is to go along with what mum wants to do. She had a traumatic birth and all she needs is support. Let her organise and take control if she wants but offer to do stuff for her to take a load off her. Time for a bit of self sacrifice.

If this thread reaches 100 pages, this will still be the best advice you will receive.

[garycat]

Sounds like PND to me... Mrs cat was completely mental when our first was born, it lasts a few months but you learn to deal with and hopefully understand she is not being spiteful or argumentative on purpose, its just hormones or whatever.

I remember once when I was very tired and absent-mindedly took a bottle from the steriliser and rinsed it under the tap. Mrs cat went wild, screaming at me and calling me all the name under the sun.

If your relationship was OK before the baby, it will get better.

[ofcorsa]

I dote on my little boy. Did skin to skin when he was first born. But I certainly took a back seat to Mum for the first year. Especially as he was breast fed. Just concentrate on creating a good environment for them both now.

[rhinochopig]

Happens to everyone op to some degree. It will get better, but don't rule out a little help, i.e marriage guidance counselling. Sometimes it can be hard to find the path back to normallity on your own.

[Piglet]

FFS do not suggest marriage counselling to her now!

[andy-xr]

funkyrobot said:

Will see if I can do anything today and let my fiancée rest. I have been doing this since they got home. I just need to take a step back.

And stop trying to fix everything, you'll end up like a Mother Hen and there's only room for one of those. You havent got the tits for it, it's not your role.

Be Robin to her Batman and all that st

[oldcynic]

funkyrobot said:

Okey dokey.

I'll see how it goes.

I'll still be in the wrong though.

Sounds like you've taking on board plenty of good advice. Keep us posted - I'd rather not see another breakup thread!

Nothing wrong with being 'apparently' wrong - keep focussed on the bigger picture.

[craig_m67]

loafer123 said:

Reading between the lines, all your posts are about you, but at this point it isn't about you, it is about the baby and the mother.

You're a real adult now, so behave like one.

This, have a word with yourself and get your act together.
This time (first mths) is actually fleeting, the years that follow are gorgeous and not to be missed.

By all means keep the thread whining along though, it's amusing

[scdan4]

cibble10 said:

Practical advice. The only advice I ever give to new parents.

You are both cream crackered.

Take alternate nights getting up for and feeding the baby. The off duty parent does NOT get up. Sadly if you are working this is a challenge but I have been thanked for this advice so often. Getting a full night's sleep every second night is far better than a st night every night. Your fiancée will love you for it. At the moment neither of you probably sleeps very well, anxious about an interrupted night.

More and better sleep makes for more rationale behaviour.

Best of luck.

this, with earplugs and...

Piglet said:

Do the practical stuff, clean the house (properly don't fanny around), do the washing, take the washing to the launderette to get it dried so you aren't living with a house full of babygros, actually scrap that, buy a tumble dryer and don't bh about the cost of running it.

Do the background stuff, quietly, without wanting thanks or attention just do it. Don't be surprised if it's wrong, just put it right, do not respond to her bhing at you. Do not follow her around today telling
her she should rest, do the practical stuff so that she feels she can rest. Be a help, not another problem for .

Ihert's about her and your daughter for the moment, it won't always be but right now it is.

this is extremely good advice.

take it.

[Adam B]

funkyrobot said:

hornetrider said:

funkyrobot said:

I wanted to feed my little girl and give my fiancée a rest. What was wrong with that?

The fact your Mrs wanted to take over, that's what's wrong with that. Because what happened next is you had a row, and that, make no mistake, was your fault. Acquiesce. Make some tea. Support. End of.

fk me it's so easy, you really need telling?

No. I see what you are saying.

I guess I try too hard to help.

Nothing wrong with that, just stop sulking if you don't get gratitude, or the missus is a bit irrational over the next couple of months. Your feelings and reaction ship with mother has to take a back seat for a while.

[MentalSarcasm]

funkyrobot said:

Will see if I can do anything today and let my fiancée rest.

Just so we're clear, use your initiative. Don't ask "is there anything I can do?" because if she says "no" and you then disappear for the day then you'll come home to another argument.

Is the dishwasher full of clean dishes? Yes? Empty it.
Is the sideboard covered in crumbs from breakfast? Yes? Give it a quick wipe down.
Is the washing basket full of laundry? Yes? Load up the washing machine.
Do your shirts need to be ironed for Monday? Yes? Then find the iron, if you don't know HOW to iron a shirt then don't ask, just load up a Youtube video (or ask on PH and you might get one sensible answer).
Don't get the hoover out until the little one is already awake!

Also Waitrose have got Dinner for Two for £10 this weekend; choice of a start or dessert, plus a main course, plus a side dish, plus a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates. Find your local Waitrose and get something nice in for you two to have for dinner tonight, you're cooking.

[Butter Face]

Adam B said:

funkyrobot said:

hornetrider said:

funkyrobot said:

I wanted to feed my little girl and give my fiancée a rest. What was wrong with that?

The fact your Mrs wanted to take over, that's what's wrong with that. Because what happened next is you had a row, and that, make no mistake, was your fault. Acquiesce. Make some tea. Support. End of.

fk me it's so easy, you really need telling?

No. I see what you are saying.

I guess I try too hard to help.

Nothing wrong with that, just stop sulking if you don't get gratitude, or the missus is a bit irrational over the next couple of months. Your feelings and reaction ship with mother has to take a back seat for a while.

I have to say that even though I don't have kids, this is sage advice for any difficult times. When your OH is going through something tough, it's time to just get on with it, even if you're stressed yourself.

If she wants to shout at you, let her shout, if she gets angry just let her do it. A few nasty words never hurt anyone, and she'll be the one who's apologising afterwards instead of you.

It really is time to knuckle down, get on with it and if she says 'you're doing it wrong' then you say 'ok dear, you do it and I'll go sort something else' and then go do it

[oldbanger]

I would also like to chip in to say that you need to be very honest with yourself about your manner and demeanour at the moment. If you are offering and providing help with any hint of passive agression, anger, resentment, she will, in her heightened emotional state read you like a book and react to I it fully, in a way she probably didn't or wouldn't before baby.

[WinstonWolf]

loafer123 said:

Reading between the lines, all your posts are about you, but at this point it isn't about you, it is about the baby and the mother.

You're a real adult now, so behave like one.

I don't agree, yes mum needs help and there's lots of good advice out there, but dads can also need help adjusting to the changes fatherhood brings.

Shut up and get on with it isn't necessarily the advice the OP needs

[Piglet]

MentalSarcasm makes a good point, if you don't know how to do things then ask here or hit YouTube.

If you don't normally do the washing, sort it into different piles and just ask her which programme she would use for each type. She's probably using a non bio powder for the baby clothes.

There is nothing worse than something being done badly by someone trying to help who then sulks when this is pointed out to them!

[chonok]

Your original post sounds almost exactly like I felt after our first was born.

It honestly does get easier, you just both need a little time to adjust to your new responsibilities and the lack of sleep does make things 10 times worse.

All good advice on here (that I wish that I had had when i was in your position)

Just stick it out for now and try not to let it upset you too much. You can only try your best, and it sounds like you are.

Come back to this thread in 18 months and I can almost guarantee things will be much better.

It is right that it does change you (and your relationship with your OH) forever, but it is also great at the same time - i'm on my second now!

Just hang on in there - it will be worth it...

[funkyrobot]

WinstonWolf said:

Mate, it's not easy but it's not about you any more unfortunately. You just need to learn when to say "yes dear, sorry dear"

You are now living with a very protective mentaler, you need to find ways to adjust and to figure out coping strategies of your own

She's gone through massive changes, it could well be PND, it comes in lots of different flavours and degrees. Do you have access to a health visitor you could talk to?

I've just had a look and there's fk all advice out there for new dads, it's all about mum. Yeah, we all know that but where does dad turn when he finds it tough adapting to the changes?

My advice is you're a bit of a st pedaller, I'd go for long bike rides when she's cranky. It'll get you out of the way and is a great way of destressing so you're better able to cope with her understandable mood swings.

My other advice is ignore my advice, we split up 18 months after the birth of my youngest mainly due to PND.

Bike rides sound good. The splitting up doesn't.

I agree, it's all about the mum at the moment. She's been crying this morning and has gone off to get her flu jab. I'm at home with the little one and have just done bottle etc. She is sleeping now in her crib so I've sneaked on here.

Fiancee had a big chat to my mum this morning. She actually thinks that I may have PND. Could be correct you know. I'll see how it goes.

Crazy thing is I made a little letter yesterday that I had written from our little girl to her mum. It had a little story about the birth and how she had to go off to Sheffield, but really wanted to be with mummy and daddy so tried to get better soon. It also had a bit about how much mummy means to her, had lots of photos and said she loves her mummy and daddy so much. This made mummy cry, a lot.

Funny to think that a few hours later we were falling out.

Oh well. I've had some really good advice on here and I've already implemented it. Thanks again all.

[funkyrobot]

Piglet said:

Do the practical stuff, clean the house (properly don't fanny around), do the washing, take the washing to the launderette to get it dried so you aren't living with a house full of babygros, actually scrap that, buy a tumble dryer and don't bh about the cost of running it.

Do the background stuff, quietly, without wanting thanks or attention just do it. Don't be surprised if it's wrong, just put it right, do not respond to her bhing at you. Do not follow her around today telling
her she should rest, do the practical stuff so that she feels she can rest. Be a help, not another problem for .

Ihert's about her and your daughter for the moment, it won't always be but right now it is.

I do this already.

She was saying to my mum on the phone how good I am with everything. We just fall out.