Relationship falling apart

[funkyrobot]

DocJock said:

hornetrider said:

Whilst you are finding your way the best thing is to go along with what mum wants to do. She had a traumatic birth and all she needs is support. Let her organise and take control if she wants but offer to do stuff for her to take a load off her. Time for a bit of self sacrifice.

If this thread reaches 100 pages, this will still be the best advice you will receive.

I agree.

[funkyrobot]

andy-xr said:

funkyrobot said:

Will see if I can do anything today and let my fiancée rest. I have been doing this since they got home. I just need to take a step back.

And stop trying to fix everything, you'll end up like a Mother Hen and there's only room for one of those. You havent got the tits for it, it's not your role.

Be Robin to her Batman and all that st

Very well put.

[funkyrobot]

craig_m67 said:

loafer123 said:

Reading between the lines, all your posts are about you, but at this point it isn't about you, it is about the baby and the mother.

You're a real adult now, so behave like one.

This, have a word with yourself and get your act together.
This time (first mths) is actually fleeting, the years that follow are gorgeous and not to be missed.

By all means keep the thread whining along though, it's amusing

Cheers love.

[funkyrobot]

MentalSarcasm said:

Just so we're clear, use your initiative. Don't ask "is there anything I can do?" because if she says "no" and you then disappear for the day then you'll come home to another argument.

Is the dishwasher full of clean dishes? Yes? Empty it.
Is the sideboard covered in crumbs from breakfast? Yes? Give it a quick wipe down.
Is the washing basket full of laundry? Yes? Load up the washing machine.
Do your shirts need to be ironed for Monday? Yes? Then find the iron, if you don't know HOW to iron a shirt then don't ask, just load up a Youtube video (or ask on PH and you might get one sensible answer).
Don't get the hoover out until the little one is already awake!

Also Waitrose have got Dinner for Two for £10 this weekend; choice of a start or dessert, plus a main course, plus a side dish, plus a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates. Find your local Waitrose and get something nice in for you two to have for dinner tonight, you're cooking.

We have no diswasher. I wash up loads.
Sideboard cleared. I clear it every time I see it (OCD).
Washing is done regularly. I do just crack on, you know.
I iron all of my clothes and hers all of the time. She never irons.
Hoover is primed for later when little one wakes up.
Waitrose is 20 odd miles or so away. We have M&S, Sainsbury's, Morrisons or Aldi and Lidl.

[funkyrobot]

chonok said:

Your original post sounds almost exactly like I felt after our first was born.

It honestly does get easier, you just both need a little time to adjust to your new responsibilities and the lack of sleep does make things 10 times worse.

All good advice on here (that I wish that I had had when i was in your position)

Just stick it out for now and try not to let it upset you too much. You can only try your best, and it sounds like you are.

Come back to this thread in 18 months and I can almost guarantee things will be much better.

It is right that it does change you (and your relationship with your OH) forever, but it is also great at the same time - i'm on my second now!

Just hang on in there - it will be worth it...

Thanks. Good to know others have felt like me and come out of the other side good. I know that men will have felt the same for years, but it's good to see an example on here.

PH has only been around for 10 or so years.

[funkyrobot]

loafer123 said:

Reading between the lines, all your posts are about you, but at this point it isn't about you, it is about the baby and the mother.

You're a real adult now, so behave like one.

Don't mean them to sound that way, but it's interesting when you read back through the thread.

I think (as I have said previously) I have been trying too hard.

[funkyrobot]

oldbanger said:

I would also like to chip in to say that you need to be very honest with yourself about your manner and demeanour at the moment. If you are offering and providing help with any hint of passive agression, anger, resentment, she will, in her heightened emotional state read you like a book and react to I it fully, in a way she probably didn't or wouldn't before baby.

Indeed. Maybe I've been too harsh when told by her that she wants to take over. I'll just let her now.

I've also been feeling very guilty about going anywhere apart from work. Maybe a few hours out and away will help us. I can feel a bike ride coming on.

[WinstonWolf]

funkyrobot said:

oldbanger said:

I would also like to chip in to say that you need to be very honest with yourself about your manner and demeanour at the moment. If you are offering and providing help with any hint of passive agression, anger, resentment, she will, in her heightened emotional state read you like a book and react to I it fully, in a way she probably didn't or wouldn't before baby.

Indeed. Maybe I've been too harsh when told by her that she wants to take over. I'll just let her now.

I've also been feeling very guilty about going anywhere apart from work. Maybe a few hours out and away will help us. I can feel a bike ride coming on.

A bit of "me" time will probably do you both good.

Good luck with the ride, the turbines on those fens will be going mental today

[Blown2CV]

funkyrobot said:

MentalSarcasm said:

Just so we're clear, use your initiative. Don't ask "is there anything I can do?" because if she says "no" and you then disappear for the day then you'll come home to another argument.

Is the dishwasher full of clean dishes? Yes? Empty it.
Is the sideboard covered in crumbs from breakfast? Yes? Give it a quick wipe down.
Is the washing basket full of laundry? Yes? Load up the washing machine.
Do your shirts need to be ironed for Monday? Yes? Then find the iron, if you don't know HOW to iron a shirt then don't ask, just load up a Youtube video (or ask on PH and you might get one sensible answer).
Don't get the hoover out until the little one is already awake!

Also Waitrose have got Dinner for Two for £10 this weekend; choice of a start or dessert, plus a main course, plus a side dish, plus a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates. Find your local Waitrose and get something nice in for you two to have for dinner tonight, you're cooking.

We have no diswasher. I wash up loads.
Sideboard cleared. I clear it every time I see it (OCD).
Washing is done regularly. I do just crack on, you know.
I iron all of my clothes and hers all of the time. She never irons.
Hoover is primed for later when little one wakes up.
Waitrose is 20 odd miles or so away. We have M&S, Sainsbury's, Morrisons or Aldi and Lidl.

if you can afford it i'd consider getting a dishwasher and also cleaner who does ironing. It's worth it as it removes numerous mundane things that can cause arguments and eat into time you have to try and focus on the enjoyment that there is in the experience at this stage.

[funkyrobot]

WinstonWolf said:

A bit of "me" time will probably do you both good.

Good luck with the ride, the turbines on those fens will be going mental today

I have neglected the bikes as of late. It'll probably cheer her up to see me back on the cycle.

Yes, it's a bit blustery out there today.

[funkyrobot]

I suppose it's worth noting here that I had some medical help earlier in the year due to anxiety issues. To put it blindly, I worry far too much (apparently).

I guess this isn't helped when a baby enters your life.

[surveyor]

Does your Fiance recognise that anything is wrong?

Are the arguments invoked by you or other half? Are they rational?

To me it sounds like it could be PND, and should at least be checked out and discussed.

My SiL went bat st crazy after birth (she's mildly improved now) and needed a lot of support. She did not accept anything was wrong with her until she collapsed into a wreck.

[Blown2CV]

funkyrobot said:

I suppose it's worth noting here that I had some medical help earlier in the year due to anxiety issues. To put it blindly, I worry far too much (apparently).

I guess this isn't helped when a baby enters your life.

bingo. I find I snap a lot when I am stressed, and it becomes tit-for-tat for days, sometimes weeks! Reactions cause reactions and it's a spiral. It's stressful anyway, so doubly hard to step out of it. Try though.

[loafer123]

funkyrobot said:

loafer123 said:

Reading between the lines, all your posts are about you, but at this point it isn't about you, it is about the baby and the mother.

You're a real adult now, so behave like one.

Don't mean them to sound that way, but it's interesting when you read back through the thread.

I think (as I have said previously) I have been trying too hard.

Fair play.

It's not easy, but it gets easier.

[funkyrobot]

surveyor said:

Does your Fiance recognise that anything is wrong?

Are the arguments invoked by you or other half? Are they rational?

To me it sounds like it could be PND, and should at least be checked out and discussed.

My SiL went bat st crazy after birth (she's mildly improved now) and needed a lot of support. She did not accept anything was wrong with her until she collapsed into a wreck.

I'm wrong.

As mentioned above by Blown2CV, I snap when I'm really stressed. It takes a while for me to get there because I'm normally quite calm. However, if it all comes crashing down I do indeed bite.

Last night's incident was a prime example of that. Milk was going everywhere because baby was hungry and was guzzling. Fiancee said let her do it, but I wanted to as I want to know I can do these things on my own. It carried on and eventually I snapped. In hindsight, I should have just handed baby over and let her take over. I know what to do now.

[Blown2CV]

your time to prove to her you can do it will come, but it will not be this day

[normbates]

I think 7 weeks post birth is a bit early to try and diagnose PND. Not saying it isn't that, but most new mothers are still all over the place emotionally for at least the first 3 months. And yes, there is a male equivalent of PND, something to be aware of especially if you've had previous mental health issues. I take it you're not on any medication at present?

Yes, you do still need to have a bit of time for yourself (only a bit, obviously much less than you ever had before), so get out on your bike. Come next summer you'll be able to strap a child seat to your bike and take the little one out with you.

I was lucky that my missus breast fed, almost exclusively. Which got me out of much of the night time duties, but it's also much easier for her - she just rolls over and whops out a booby for the baby. This morning, she couldn't even remember if he had a feed in the night - neither of them fully wake for it. That makes things easier when Dad is working full time.

[Jonny_]

The first few weeks/months with a newborn are bloody hard work. Not only do you suddenly have a totally dependent being to care for, but neither of you will be sleeping much and your mrs's hormones will be doing all manner of crazy st to her head. Post natal depression is pretty common, too, and varies massively in it's effect.

I was on eggshells around my fiance for several months after our daughter was born, her mood was up and down and I spent much of my time biting my tongue and doing her bidding as it ultimately made for an easier life.

The important thing to remember is IT DOESN'T STAY LIKE THIS FOREVER! Things WILL settle down, but for now you just have to grin and bear it and do everything you can to help your mrs along. If she says feed baby, you feed baby. If she wants to feed baby, smile and hand him/her over!

Just to reiterate, it WILL get better. Hang in there, keep your cool, make maximum use of family and friends who offer support (this applies to your mrs as well).

Also, quite importantly... congratulations on your new arrival! Believe me, you've got some fun times ahead

[prand]

surveyor said:

Does your Fiance recognise that anything is wrong?

Are the arguments invoked by you or other half? Are they rational?

To me it sounds like it could be PND, and should at least be checked out and discussed.

My SiL went bat st crazy after birth (she's mildly improved now) and needed a lot of support. She did not accept anything was wrong with her until she collapsed into a wreck.

I think all women are affected to a certain degree. The trauma, the immediate hormone crash, the change of life, the stress will be hitting hard. It can also last month's and years. So don't just think after 6 months you can expect it all to be roses again. My wife has admitted she is really only now coming through the fog of having 2 kids, and our youngest is now 3!

Early days you are simply the slave to your most important people, you have to get used to the fact you are bottom of the family pile for a bit. So Don't forget to look after yourself. Good luck!

[Blown2CV]

the hormonal, emotional effect plus tiredness, stress is not to be underestimated, but that st is not PND. Where PND kicks in is complete lack of bonding with the child, maybe wanting to harm it etc. Maybe in some women they do get depressed because they thought it would be like having a fking doll that they could just whack in a drawer when they're bored with it and life would continue as normal except for this extra accessory which can be enjoyed for it's cuteness when they feel like it with no drawbacks whatsoever... not that i am biased but i think it's a mistake women often make. How many times have you heard "i knew it would be hard, but..."