Child Maintenance - when does it stop?

Child Maintenance - when does it stop?

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Discussion

SydneyBridge

Original Poster:

8,500 posts

157 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
Would be grateful for any advice- or if anyone has experience

My Son is 16 next week
I split from his Mother when he was 2 and have transferred her money every month since them, CSA have not been involved. He has always stayed at my house 1/2 nights a week and I have bought him cloths for my house etc and taken him on holiday

His mother took him out of school when he was in the second year of secondary school to home educate him. I disagreed and thought he should stay in school, as we were never married though I have no parental responsibility, she has never given it to me and have not fought hard enough to get it. She ignored me and took him out of school.

She made an attempt at home education for a year or so, but for the last 3 years, he has done nothing, lives round her parents most of the time and plays on his computer all day. She reckons he will start college next year to do GCSE's, which he will struggle with as he is 4 years behind now.

She claims DLA for him as he was partly diagnosed with Aspergers, but I don't believe that he does and don't think she should be claiming this. He needs no additional care

Anyway, I have spoken to numerous people at the CSA and they have advised me that I should not pay now that he is 16 and not in any kind of education, but would have to pay if he goes to college, which is fair enough.

I get on with my son really well and have no issues giving him money and buying him stuff etc.. but I really object to giving his Mother money when she is still getting child benefit and DLA and has made no effort to give him any kind of education, she can provide no evidence that he has 12 weeks of anything a week (as 12 hours/weeks is classed as a full time education)

Told her I was no longer paying her until he went to college, she went mad, has gone to the Child Maintenance Service and they have written to me.

Anyone had any similar experiences or can offer advice??

AbzST64

578 posts

188 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
As far as im aware, it was payments till child is 16 (or 20 when in Full time education) which it doesnt sound like he his so to me i believe your right in doing what you have done.
It's never an easy situation but follow the law and you'll be fine! Good luck!

TwigtheWonderkid

43,248 posts

149 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
SydneyBridge said:
His mother took him out of school when he was in the second year of secondary school to home educate him. I disagreed and thought he should stay in school, as we were never married though I have no parental responsibility, she has never given it to me and have not fought hard enough to get it. She ignored me and took him out of school.

She made an attempt at home education for a year or so, but for the last 3 years, he has done nothing, lives round her parents most of the time and plays on his computer all day.
yikes

Sorry mate, but I cannot believe you sat back and allowed this to happen. Your ex is an idiot, but you're his father and the onus was on you to man up and get it sorted. If that meant involving police, social services etc, and going to war with your ex, then so be it. Chucking money in the pot every month does not absolve you of a wider responsibility.

Shameful.

Moonhawk

10,730 posts

218 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
SydneyBridge said:
....as we were never married though I have no parental responsibility
Are you not named on the birth certificate?

SydneyBridge

Original Poster:

8,500 posts

157 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
TwigtheWonderkid said:
yikes

Sorry mate, but I cannot believe you sat back and allowed this to happen. Your ex is an idiot, but you're his father and the onus was on you to man up and get it sorted. If that meant involving police, social services etc, and going to war with your ex, then so be it. Chucking money in the pot every month does not absolve you of a wider responsibility.

Shameful.
Yeah that's fair comment
I got Solicitors involved when he was quite young, to try and get Parental Responsibility but she lived with her parents at the time and they barred me from her house and it got very unpleasant.
I should have fought to stop him being taken from school. I have nothing against home education of its done properly, but it has not been. Social Services would not speak to me as I had to Parental responsibility
Now she is outraged that I dare stop paying her

SydneyBridge

Original Poster:

8,500 posts

157 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
Moonhawk said:
SydneyBridge said:
....as we were never married though I have no parental responsibility
Are you not named on the birth certificate?
Yes, but at the time it did not give you PR - it does now, cannot remember when it was from

TwigtheWonderkid

43,248 posts

149 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
SydneyBridge said:
TwigtheWonderkid said:
yikes

Sorry mate, but I cannot believe you sat back and allowed this to happen. Your ex is an idiot, but you're his father and the onus was on you to man up and get it sorted. If that meant involving police, social services etc, and going to war with your ex, then so be it. Chucking money in the pot every month does not absolve you of a wider responsibility.

Shameful.
Yeah that's fair comment
I got Solicitors involved when he was quite young, to try and get Parental Responsibility but she lived with her parents at the time and they barred me from her house and it got very unpleasant.
I should have fought to stop him being taken from school. I have nothing against home education of its done properly, but it has not been. Social Services would not speak to me as I had to Parental responsibility
Now she is outraged that I dare stop paying her
He's 16 now. So legal parental responsibility is less of an issue. I would be talking to social services with a view to getting custody. Get him away from this moronic woman and try and rescue the damage done. He's 16, not 36. Still got time to pull back from a life of fecklessness.

Then she can pay you if she's that concerned.

Ari

19,328 posts

214 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
TwigtheWonderkid said:
He's 16 now. So legal parental responsibility is less of an issue. I would be talking to social services with a view to getting custody. Get him away from this moronic woman and try and rescue the damage done. He's 16, not 36. Still got time to pull back from a life of fecklessness.

Then she can pay you if she's that concerned.
Social services won't be interested in getting involved at this age. It will be up to the lad where he wants to live.

The OP could try persuading the lad to live with him, but five minutes of trying to impose decent living standards rather than dossing around playing computer games all day and he'll be straight back to mummy.

Ari

19,328 posts

214 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
SydneyBridge said:
Moonhawk said:
SydneyBridge said:
....as we were never married though I have no parental responsibility
Are you not named on the birth certificate?
Yes, but at the time it did not give you PR - it does now, cannot remember when it was from
From December 2003 in England, if the father jointly registers the birth with the mother.

ascayman

12,732 posts

215 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
TwigtheWonderkid said:
He's 16 now. So legal parental responsibility is less of an issue. I would be talking to social services with a view to getting custody. Get him away from this moronic woman and try and rescue the damage done. He's 16, not 36. Still got time to pull back from a life of fecklessness.

Then she can pay you if she's that concerned.
Courts aren't exactly well known for taking custody away from the mothers...

MrBarry123

6,025 posts

120 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all

SydneyBridge

Original Poster:

8,500 posts

157 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
MrBarry123 said:
Cheers - that is what they told me
I think she has told them that is having home education but she has no evidence at all that he has any education. She seems to think that a home education can be reading for 12 hours a week (which he does not..)

Ari

19,328 posts

214 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
ascayman said:
Courts aren't exactly well known for taking custody away from the mothers...
They won't be remotely interested at 16. Even if they were, and even if they did award custody, if he doesn't want to go, what are they going to do about it? Drag him out kicking and screaming and then mount a 24hr guard of the father's property to make sure he doesn't just get up and go home?

If they were to get involved (they won't) this will be quite simply down to 'where do you want to live - with mum or dad? Right, well go there then'.

So the only option is for dad to persuade son that he wants to live with him. Which will last for as long as it takes for the son to realise that he can't spend all day on the Playstation at dads but he can at mums...

Ari

19,328 posts

214 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
SydneyBridge said:
MrBarry123 said:
Cheers - that is what they told me
I think she has told them that is having home education but she has no evidence at all that he has any education. She seems to think that a home education can be reading for 12 hours a week (which he does not..)
Yup, time to tell her that the gravy train has hit the buffers. biggrin

The best outcome at this stage is that lack of money means she forces him out to work (I'm going to make a wild presumptuous guess that she doesn't work) meaning he finally engages with the real world, real people, and gets on with life.

He'll find it bloody tough after four (important development) years of not interacting much with people his own age, not having to get up at a set time, and not having to do things he doesn't want to do - quite apart from being uneducated.

wildcat45

8,056 posts

188 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
Now he's 16, is he not now an adult?

Can you now pay any money you want to him by setting him up an account. Surely now it's between you an him not your Ex.

Nothing to do with her.

PurpleMoonlight

22,362 posts

156 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
SydneyBridge said:
Cheers - that is what they told me
I think she has told them that is having home education but she has no evidence at all that he has any education. She seems to think that a home education can be reading for 12 hours a week (which he does not..)
Isn't he education authority supposed to undertake some checks to ensure home is adequate?

boxst

3,699 posts

144 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
How did you agree the amount to pay? I did it without the CSA (thankfully) in a separate document that also listed when the payments will stop.

BoRED S2upid

19,641 posts

239 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
PurpleMoonlight said:
Isn't he education authority supposed to undertake some checks to ensure home is adequate?
This! Home schooling doesn't mean you sit at home playing computer games it should still be full time education.

I presume she is an academic or teacher herself? Why has he not sat GCSE's? What exams / tests has she put him through? Nvq's? If he has no form of qualifications she has ruined his life and the council hasn't done their job!

This is the big issue here not how much you pay or don't pay.

Oldandslow

2,405 posts

205 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
He's 16 and not in education. Stop maintenance but still treat him occasionally when you see him. You might get to see him more often.

This may trigger her to put him into college. Best thing for him but I think you're right, he's going to struggle from being behind and not being used to any kind of structure to his day.

My opinion is you ex is a lazy, scrounger nutbag of the worst kind who has badly messed up your son's life so far.

TwigtheWonderkid

43,248 posts

149 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
PurpleMoonlight said:
Isn't he education authority supposed to undertake some checks to ensure home is adequate?
Yes they are, and no they don't!