Child Maintenance - when does it stop?

Child Maintenance - when does it stop?

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Discussion

Du1point8

21,604 posts

191 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
PurpleMoonlight said:
SydneyBridge said:
Cheers - that is what they told me
I think she has told them that is having home education but she has no evidence at all that he has any education. She seems to think that a home education can be reading for 12 hours a week (which he does not..)
Isn't he education authority supposed to undertake some checks to ensure home is adequate?
Nothing at the moment, normal rules, etc listed here:

http://www.home-education.org.uk/faq-carers.htm

Strange that people can do this and don't need to be qualified or even have a clue what to do... I suppose it may come as a shock when the OPs kid needs to do GCSEs to get into college and fails them all.

Not sure what can be done to get a basic certified level of education and quick to make sure the child doesn't miss out on anything due to a selfish mother with no discipline.


PurpleMoonlight

22,362 posts

156 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
Du1point8 said:
Nothing at the moment, normal rules, etc listed here:

http://www.home-education.org.uk/faq-carers.htm

Strange that people can do this and don't need to be qualified or even have a clue what to do...
And yet they will fine a parent if a child it taken out of school for a single day. Madness .....

Kentish

15,169 posts

233 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
TwigtheWonderkid said:
SydneyBridge said:
His mother took him out of school when he was in the second year of secondary school to home educate him. I disagreed and thought he should stay in school, as we were never married though I have no parental responsibility, she has never given it to me and have not fought hard enough to get it. She ignored me and took him out of school.

She made an attempt at home education for a year or so, but for the last 3 years, he has done nothing, lives round her parents most of the time and plays on his computer all day.
yikes

Sorry mate, but I cannot believe you sat back and allowed this to happen. Your ex is an idiot, but you're his father and the onus was on you to man up and get it sorted. If that meant involving police, social services etc, and going to war with your ex, then so be it. Chucking money in the pot every month does not absolve you of a wider responsibility.

Shameful.
You have clearly never been on the receiving end of an ex partners anger, resentment and animosity.

It is better to have contact with your child than none at all; remember that the OP has no rights as a father in his case.

I have pretty similar circumstance to the OP although mine is younger and has returned to school after a year of "home education".

BoRED S2upid

19,643 posts

239 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
PurpleMoonlight said:
And yet they will fine a parent if a child it taken out of school for a single day. Madness .....
That is bonkers you can take your child out of school and teach them yourself even if your not qualified, ruin their lives and have no punishment yet take them out of school for a holiday and you get fined!

Ozone

3,039 posts

186 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
Kentish said:
TwigtheWonderkid said:
SydneyBridge said:
His mother took him out of school when he was in the second year of secondary school to home educate him. I disagreed and thought he should stay in school, as we were never married though I have no parental responsibility, she has never given it to me and have not fought hard enough to get it. She ignored me and took him out of school.

She made an attempt at home education for a year or so, but for the last 3 years, he has done nothing, lives round her parents most of the time and plays on his computer all day.
yikes

Sorry mate, but I cannot believe you sat back and allowed this to happen. Your ex is an idiot, but you're his father and the onus was on you to man up and get it sorted. If that meant involving police, social services etc, and going to war with your ex, then so be it. Chucking money in the pot every month does not absolve you of a wider responsibility.

Shameful.
You have clearly never been on the receiving end of an ex partners anger, resentment and animosity.

It is better to have contact with your child than none at all; remember that the OP has no rights as a father in his case.

I have pretty similar circumstance to the OP although mine is younger and has returned to school after a year of "home education".
Thank you Kentish, I was about to post a rant about that comment being the sort of st that fathers who want to do their best for their children and fight through the legal system costing a fortune for no result have to put up with.

TwigtheWonderkid

43,248 posts

149 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
Kentish said:
TwigtheWonderkid said:
SydneyBridge said:
His mother took him out of school when he was in the second year of secondary school to home educate him. I disagreed and thought he should stay in school, as we were never married though I have no parental responsibility, she has never given it to me and have not fought hard enough to get it. She ignored me and took him out of school.

She made an attempt at home education for a year or so, but for the last 3 years, he has done nothing, lives round her parents most of the time and plays on his computer all day.
yikes

Sorry mate, but I cannot believe you sat back and allowed this to happen. Your ex is an idiot, but you're his father and the onus was on you to man up and get it sorted. If that meant involving police, social services etc, and going to war with your ex, then so be it. Chucking money in the pot every month does not absolve you of a wider responsibility.

Shameful.
You have clearly never been on the receiving end of an ex partners anger, resentment and animosity.

It is better to have contact with your child than none at all; remember that the OP has no rights as a father in his case.

I have pretty similar circumstance to the OP although mine is younger and has returned to school after a year of "home education".
Funny then that the OP said that my remarks were fair comment! All fathers have rights, but the OP freely admitted that he didn't fight hard enough for them.


Kentish

15,169 posts

233 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
Ozone said:
Thank you Kentish, I was about to post a rant about that comment being the sort of st that fathers who want to do their best for their children and fight through the legal system costing a fortune for no result have to put up with.
No problem.

It was an idealists POV perhaps.

But the OPs situation isn't an ideal one by any stretch of the imagination.

Fighting in his circumstances would lead to no access, massive debt, no satisfactory outcome and probably a shorter life due to stress caused by the protracted and futile legal battle.

WinstonWolf

72,857 posts

238 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Kentish said:
TwigtheWonderkid said:
SydneyBridge said:
His mother took him out of school when he was in the second year of secondary school to home educate him. I disagreed and thought he should stay in school, as we were never married though I have no parental responsibility, she has never given it to me and have not fought hard enough to get it. She ignored me and took him out of school.

She made an attempt at home education for a year or so, but for the last 3 years, he has done nothing, lives round her parents most of the time and plays on his computer all day.
yikes

Sorry mate, but I cannot believe you sat back and allowed this to happen. Your ex is an idiot, but you're his father and the onus was on you to man up and get it sorted. If that meant involving police, social services etc, and going to war with your ex, then so be it. Chucking money in the pot every month does not absolve you of a wider responsibility.

Shameful.
You have clearly never been on the receiving end of an ex partners anger, resentment and animosity.

It is better to have contact with your child than none at all; remember that the OP has no rights as a father in his case.

I have pretty similar circumstance to the OP although mine is younger and has returned to school after a year of "home education".
Funny then that the OP said that my remarks were fair comment! All fathers have rights, but the OP freely admitted that he didn't fight hard enough for them.
If they had rights they wouldn't need to fight for them.

I'd be very careful of poking that particular wasps nest if I were you...

TwigtheWonderkid

43,248 posts

149 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
Kentish said:
No problem.

It was an idealists POV perhaps.

But the OPs situation isn't an ideal one by any stretch of the imagination.

Fighting in his circumstances would lead to no access, massive debt, no satisfactory outcome and probably a shorter life due to stress caused by the protracted and futile legal battle.
I find it very depressing that you are seriously advocating doing nothing whilst your kid receives no education for years because it's too unpleasant and stressful to tackle it.

What's happened to the OP's son at the hands of his useless ex is nothing short of child abuse. And you wouldn't tackle it if it was your son!!!

Outrageous. Even the OP has the decency to admit he didn't do enough.



Kentish

15,169 posts

233 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Kentish said:
No problem.

It was an idealists POV perhaps.

But the OPs situation isn't an ideal one by any stretch of the imagination.

Fighting in his circumstances would lead to no access, massive debt, no satisfactory outcome and probably a shorter life due to stress caused by the protracted and futile legal battle.
I find it very depressing that you are seriously advocating doing nothing whilst your kid receives no education for years because it's too unpleasant and stressful to tackle it.

What's happened to the OP's son at the hands of his useless ex is nothing short of child abuse. And you wouldn't tackle it if it was your son!!!

Outrageous. Even the OP has the decency to admit he didn't do enough.
I completely agree with you (in an ideal world where unmarried parents had equal rights) but would it really be worth losing all contact with the child and ending up in poverty over?

Far better to still see your children, keep things amicable than being gung-ho, all guns blazing but to no satisfactory end. Contact and an amicable relationship with the ex gives the opportunity to engineer the situation; maybe just subtly a little at a time but still better than the alternative.

SydneyBridge

Original Poster:

8,500 posts

157 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
I should have made more effort to get PR when he was younger but rightly or wrongly I decided to get on with her for the sake of our son, rather than spending lots of money (which I did not have) to get something which may makes things worse

It would have been a nightmare trying to get him back into school when she took him out. At the end of the day it seems that no one cares. As long as she did it correctly and tell the school that he is being home schooled, the school don't care and seemingly no one else does.

I am happy to give him money directly but he is not capable of getting any kind of job

TwigtheWonderkid

43,248 posts

149 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
Kentish....HE'S 16 AND RECEIVED NO fkING EDUCATION FOR 3 YEARS!!!!!

That is unacceptable. That is not a price worth paying to not rock the boat. I would have been on to the local education authority, the police, social services, child protection services, Esther Rantzen and my MP. And balls to happy relations with mum.

WinstonWolf

72,857 posts

238 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Kentish....HE'S 16 AND RECEIVED NO fkING EDUCATION FOR 3 YEARS!!!!!

That is unacceptable. That is not a price worth paying to not rock the boat. I would have been on to the local education authority, the police, social services, child protection services, Esther Rantzen and my MP. And balls to happy relations with mum.
You would also have lost all contact with your son.

SydneyBridge

Original Poster:

8,500 posts

157 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
I spoke to the LEA but they would not speak to me as I did not have PR. They just said that she would be subject to random inspections
For the first year or so, she did make a hash of getting him tutored and going to groups etc.. which I did not agree with but at least he was getting social contact and some education.

I am happy with him going to college and would be happy to carry on paying her then, but doubt that he actually will, think she is just saying that to me to shut me up

Ari

19,328 posts

214 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
SydneyBridge said:
I should have made more effort to get PR when he was younger but rightly or wrongly I decided to get on with her for the sake of our son, rather than spending lots of money (which I did not have) to get something which may makes things worse
It would have made no difference. Fine, you'd have ended up with a bit of paper saying you had parental responsibility. Maybe.

You'd have also had an ex that banned you from seeing your child, and even less input than you have had.

At least this way you have a relationship with your son.

It's really really easy for onlookers to sit in their comfortable armchairs and judge, but you have to do what is practically right.

There are plenty of fathers out there that have won all the rights in the world and don't get to see their kids, or are forced into awful supervised 'contact' scenarios filled with animosity and hate.

Don't beat yourself up over this, you did what you felt was best.

And stop paying the bloody woman money!

Also, careful about what you pay your son. Support him emotionally and practically, but don't become a cash machine.

PurpleMoonlight

22,362 posts

156 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
Twig, I understand your anger at the OP but it would be better directed at the 'system' and not his decision not to fight it to the bitter end.

Simply being the biological father means bugger all in terms of rights (such that they are), it's only Parental Responsibility that matters. If you don't have PR you have no rights whatsoever, and no say in anything. A father that does not have PR can be granted it via the Courts but the mother can object to that.

The likely result of a court battle is that the mother will restrict contact, or obstruct it altogether.

Having been through the courts for contact, I would never criticise someone who chose not to or to cease the battle they started. It always depends on the people and the circumstances and the costs of legal action can be prohibitively expensive if people do not feel they can represent themselves.

The main issue here is the Government. There appears to be no legal requirement for the education authority to ensure a child taken out of the state sponsored education system actually received any education at all. Even if the OP had complained to the Council, the were potentially powerless to do anything about it.

Kentish

15,169 posts

233 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Kentish....HE'S 16 AND RECEIVED NO fkING EDUCATION FOR 3 YEARS!!!!!

That is unacceptable. That is not a price worth paying to not rock the boat. I would have been on to the local education authority, the police, social services, child protection services, Esther Rantzen and my MP. And balls to happy relations with mum.
And you'd probably never see your kids again and have no input into their lives from that point on. Apart from handing over the cash each month via the CSA if the child went back to education after 16.

It's not about wining and losing when you have kids.

TwigtheWonderkid

43,248 posts

149 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
You do not need PR to report a child being neglected. And failure to educate is neglect. I wouldn't sit by if it was my sisters son going uneducated from 13-16, or my neighbours son. I would make a nuisance of myself to get the authorities to act.

StuntmanMike

11,671 posts

150 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
OP, what are your plans now?
Aspergers runs in my family, some can function normally, some can't, my question is, what do you plan for his education?
Is this thread to decide if you need to pay anymore, or are you thinking about what you can do for him?
Would it be viable to get him away from his mum and try to get the boy some sort of education.

TwigtheWonderkid

43,248 posts

149 months

Friday 31st October 2014
quotequote all
Kentish said:
And you'd probably never see your kids again and have no input into their lives from that point on. Apart from handing over the cash each month via the CSA if the child went back to education after 16.

It's not about wining and losing when you have kids.
No, it's about making sure you do the best for your kids. Not dealing with neglect out of fear of the unpleasant consequences is not doing the best for your kids.