Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
I forgot, were you married?
Whos name is the house in?
Bought / rented?
Who paid what into the deposit / monthly payments
Do you have proof of her payments towards living?
Suggest she moves out and you have the kids for now (financially responsible)
Seperate financies immediately.
See what your lawyer says. If you can agree a mediation break-up then that would be ideal.
The quicker and least painful way is the best...
Whos name is the house in?
Bought / rented?
Who paid what into the deposit / monthly payments
Do you have proof of her payments towards living?
Suggest she moves out and you have the kids for now (financially responsible)
Seperate financies immediately.
See what your lawyer says. If you can agree a mediation break-up then that would be ideal.
The quicker and least painful way is the best...
As I understand it, in a long marriage it doesn't make a difference who paid in what. I shall see a solicitor to make sure I understand the process and can check any mediated agreement. I don't want a fight, it's bad for me, the kids and her. I genuinely want her to be happy, since apart from anything else the kids need their mum.
Been checking Zoopla and it may be that our house is worth more that I thought, so can't buy her out. It's also more than she'd need, so I guess we will have to sell up. Shame, but there you go. Now to find somewhere I want to be with a double garage
Been checking Zoopla and it may be that our house is worth more that I thought, so can't buy her out. It's also more than she'd need, so I guess we will have to sell up. Shame, but there you go. Now to find somewhere I want to be with a double garage
First of all she has been planning this for months if not years so there is no way she is going to change her mind. You are done so you need to stop worrying about her happiness amd financial security and start thinking about yourself instead.
Just out of interest, what are the chances of their being another man on the scene? Has she started doing anything unusual such as joining a gym, buying new clothes, going out with her friends more or never being without her phone?
Don't blame yourself for this divorce, there is most likely nothing you could have done to change things. Her blaming you for everything is her way of justifying it to herself and trying to convince everyone that she had no choice. Do not lie in bed every night playing every single moment of your marriage through your head, trying to work out where it went wrong.
I suspect that having spoken to people now she has been told that she can keep the house and you will still have to pay for everything. She will expect to maintain the exact same lifestyle she has now just with you not in the house anymore.
You need to look after yourself now and your body will currently be in constant fight or flight mode. It has been three years since my divorce but I remember not being able to eat and sleep and constantly feeling stressed and sick. I used to just go for massive long walks and eventually joined a gym as this really helped. The doctor will no doubt prescribe anti depresents but you have to ask yourself if you really want to go down that road. I ended up taking St Johns Wart and I found it made a difference, this is from someone who thinks herbal remedies are a load of old rubbish.
Be prepared to see a side to your wife you never thought existed, especially once she has spoken to a solicitor.
As I said I am three years on from you and I never thought I would feel normal again. You will get there it will just take some time. Looking back the first six months are a blur, I can barely remember what happened. But trust me, one day you will realise that everything is going to be OK.
Just don't date too early and definitely do not get anyone pregnant!
Just out of interest, what are the chances of their being another man on the scene? Has she started doing anything unusual such as joining a gym, buying new clothes, going out with her friends more or never being without her phone?
Don't blame yourself for this divorce, there is most likely nothing you could have done to change things. Her blaming you for everything is her way of justifying it to herself and trying to convince everyone that she had no choice. Do not lie in bed every night playing every single moment of your marriage through your head, trying to work out where it went wrong.
I suspect that having spoken to people now she has been told that she can keep the house and you will still have to pay for everything. She will expect to maintain the exact same lifestyle she has now just with you not in the house anymore.
You need to look after yourself now and your body will currently be in constant fight or flight mode. It has been three years since my divorce but I remember not being able to eat and sleep and constantly feeling stressed and sick. I used to just go for massive long walks and eventually joined a gym as this really helped. The doctor will no doubt prescribe anti depresents but you have to ask yourself if you really want to go down that road. I ended up taking St Johns Wart and I found it made a difference, this is from someone who thinks herbal remedies are a load of old rubbish.
Be prepared to see a side to your wife you never thought existed, especially once she has spoken to a solicitor.
As I said I am three years on from you and I never thought I would feel normal again. You will get there it will just take some time. Looking back the first six months are a blur, I can barely remember what happened. But trust me, one day you will realise that everything is going to be OK.
Just don't date too early and definitely do not get anyone pregnant!
No other man. It's irrelevant anyway. I'm ok actually. It's looking unlikely that either of us could retain the house on our own, so each looking to move on. She doesn't seem to know what she wants, I guess it will come out in mediation. We have a lot of ongoing projects etc so moving will be a challenge, but if we can agree to use some savings to get stuff finished it will make things smoother. Still worried about the outcome for me financially, but kids come first. They're mid to late teens, so the legal responsibility doesn't go on for ever, but I want to do the best for them regardless. Trying to avoid moving somewhere awful!
Joey Deacon said:
First of all she has been planning this for months if not years so there is no way she is going to change her mind. You are done so you need to stop worrying about her happiness amd financial security and start thinking about yourself instead.
Just out of interest, what are the chances of their being another man on the scene? Has she started doing anything unusual such as joining a gym, buying new clothes, going out with her friends more or never being without her phone?
Don't blame yourself for this divorce, there is most likely nothing you could have done to change things. Her blaming you for everything is her way of justifying it to herself and trying to convince everyone that she had no choice. Do not lie in bed every night playing every single moment of your marriage through your head, trying to work out where it went wrong.
I suspect that having spoken to people now she has been told that she can keep the house and you will still have to pay for everything. She will expect to maintain the exact same lifestyle she has now just with you not in the house anymore.
You need to look after yourself now and your body will currently be in constant fight or flight mode. It has been three years since my divorce but I remember not being able to eat and sleep and constantly feeling stressed and sick. I used to just go for massive long walks and eventually joined a gym as this really helped. The doctor will no doubt prescribe anti depresents but you have to ask yourself if you really want to go down that road. I ended up taking St Johns Wart and I found it made a difference, this is from someone who thinks herbal remedies are a load of old rubbish.
Be prepared to see a side to your wife you never thought existed, especially once she has spoken to a solicitor.
As I said I am three years on from you and I never thought I would feel normal again. You will get there it will just take some time. Looking back the first six months are a blur, I can barely remember what happened. But trust me, one day you will realise that everything is going to be OK.
Just don't date too early and definitely do not get anyone pregnant!
Long time lurker for reasons that'll become clear.Just out of interest, what are the chances of their being another man on the scene? Has she started doing anything unusual such as joining a gym, buying new clothes, going out with her friends more or never being without her phone?
Don't blame yourself for this divorce, there is most likely nothing you could have done to change things. Her blaming you for everything is her way of justifying it to herself and trying to convince everyone that she had no choice. Do not lie in bed every night playing every single moment of your marriage through your head, trying to work out where it went wrong.
I suspect that having spoken to people now she has been told that she can keep the house and you will still have to pay for everything. She will expect to maintain the exact same lifestyle she has now just with you not in the house anymore.
You need to look after yourself now and your body will currently be in constant fight or flight mode. It has been three years since my divorce but I remember not being able to eat and sleep and constantly feeling stressed and sick. I used to just go for massive long walks and eventually joined a gym as this really helped. The doctor will no doubt prescribe anti depresents but you have to ask yourself if you really want to go down that road. I ended up taking St Johns Wart and I found it made a difference, this is from someone who thinks herbal remedies are a load of old rubbish.
Be prepared to see a side to your wife you never thought existed, especially once she has spoken to a solicitor.
As I said I am three years on from you and I never thought I would feel normal again. You will get there it will just take some time. Looking back the first six months are a blur, I can barely remember what happened. But trust me, one day you will realise that everything is going to be OK.
Just don't date too early and definitely do not get anyone pregnant!
This ^^^ every single word. I'm 6 months beyond my decree absolute and just over 16 months from when my ex-wife announced that she no longer wanted to be married, she neglected to add that she meant just to me because 7 days ago I found out that's she's engaged to the wife-stealing c@&t that ended my marriage. Sure I'm to blame for some of it but I now know he was there in the background dripping poison in her ear for almost a year before she proclaimed her newly found independence. In my case I've been traded for a younger, richer Jonny foreigner who can give her a more exotic international life, rather than soggy Monday nights in Blighty. I can't face the thought of dating, I can barely deal with getting up in the morning, she ripped up 16 years of my life in what feels like the blink of an eye. Everyone tells me it'll get better, I'm trying, but god damn, it's so bloody hard. Good luck fella, and make sure you keep your family and true friends close, you'll need them.
mr_spock said:
No other man. It's irrelevant anyway. I'm ok actually. It's looking unlikely that either of us could retain the house on our own, so each looking to move on. She doesn't seem to know what she wants, I guess it will come out in mediation. We have a lot of ongoing projects etc so moving will be a challenge, but if we can agree to use some savings to get stuff finished it will make things smoother. Still worried about the outcome for me financially, but kids come first. They're mid to late teens, so the legal responsibility doesn't go on for ever, but I want to do the best for them regardless. Trying to avoid moving somewhere awful!
Start looking around areas that might suit your requirements. Get a feel for other places and their facilities, drive around at 'odd' times - evenings, mornings, Sundays etc to gauge what life is really like. Have a look in Estate Agents windows to see prices. If nothing else it gives you a different interest and gets your mind focused on what would help keep you happier in the longer term.As Joey says
Dont blame yourseld either.
I wrote a longer post on the Match thread but then deleted it.
I'll cover it quickly.
Was with a girl.
When we broke up i was made to feel like the worst guy ever. Made me question who i was to my very core.
Took me long time to recover never really had closure.
2+ years later i find out she has done the exact same to the next man.
So its nice and you can look back and think "i wasnt the crazy one"
Dont blame yourseld either.
I wrote a longer post on the Match thread but then deleted it.
I'll cover it quickly.
Was with a girl.
When we broke up i was made to feel like the worst guy ever. Made me question who i was to my very core.
Took me long time to recover never really had closure.
2+ years later i find out she has done the exact same to the next man.
So its nice and you can look back and think "i wasnt the crazy one"
Thanks (I'm saying that a lot, I do mean it!)
Been looking at houses online, the real question will be how much I end up with. My job is looking precarious, and has done for a while, and it's pretty high pressure so it could all go pear shaped by the end of the month. If she has primary residence for the kids (or whatever it's called) then I have to make sure they have somewhere reasonable to live, and round here that's not going to leave me with much.
I'm not over-thinking the "why", just the "what" and the "how".
Been looking at houses online, the real question will be how much I end up with. My job is looking precarious, and has done for a while, and it's pretty high pressure so it could all go pear shaped by the end of the month. If she has primary residence for the kids (or whatever it's called) then I have to make sure they have somewhere reasonable to live, and round here that's not going to leave me with much.
I'm not over-thinking the "why", just the "what" and the "how".
Sagpack said:
Everyone tells me it'll get better, I'm trying, but god damn, it's so bloody hard.
It does, quickest way for you to heal is to work on yourself, hit the gym, eat right and do stuff, go to concerts, get on dating sites etc. One day you'll not think about it and perhaps when you're not even looking someone will rock your world.TwigtheWonderkid said:
Sagpack said:
because 7 days ago I found out that's she's engaged to the wife-stealing c@&t that ended my marriage.
Don't misdirect your anger. He owed you nothing. He made you no promises. The perfect way to get revenge on the bloke who steals your wife......let him have her.
mr_spock said:
No other man. It's irrelevant anyway. I'm ok actually. It's looking unlikely that either of us could retain the house on our own, so each looking to move on. She doesn't seem to know what she wants, I guess it will come out in mediation.
I think that's a reasonable way to look at things. I dont really buy into the mantra that always comes out on here (usually there's someone else, the woman is a snake with tits, dont get her pregnant, move your money, dont leave the house - like something out of Dynasty when regular folks just dont have this level of problem) If someone else does come on the scene, then that's just the way it is. I dont get why 'people' get shamed with this. Most people can, in the right situations, move on with their lives.
I think also it's wise to have some introspection and look at where you're responsible, because putting all the blame and shame onto someone else means
a) you never really accept the situation and you're just telling yourself white lies to make it seem better. In a way that you're whiter than white and she's the devil incarnate
b) you dont really learn anything about yourself, what mistakes you made so you either dont make them again or knowingly make them having an idea what the outcome will be
c) Any 'fixes' you do should be for your own self development rather than for someone else's happiness. To try and smooth them over when really, you dont see a problem and dont want to fix it isnt tackling the complaint you're receiving
I've learned so much more about myself from bad situations, looking back at how I might have handled the root causes differently has helped future relationships become better. I'd rather that than take an 'I'm right, you're wrong' stance
Good luck with the next steps, I think there'll be many to take and if you can amicably do them it'll make it a lot easier for everyone
Sheets Tabuer said:
Sagpack said:
Everyone tells me it'll get better, I'm trying, but god damn, it's so bloody hard.
It does, quickest way for you to heal is to work on yourself, hit the gym, eat right and do stuff, go to concerts, get on dating sites etc. One day you'll not think about it and perhaps when you're not even looking someone will rock your world.TwigtheWonderkid said:
Sagpack said:
because 7 days ago I found out that's she's engaged to the wife-stealing c@&t that ended my marriage.
Don't misdirect your anger. He owed you nothing. He made you no promises. The perfect way to get revenge on the bloke who steals your wife......let him have her.
Cut up her credit cards
The first advice she'll get is to run those right up.
Close joint bank account.
Get control of finances
Get a hold of any financial papers,bank statements and stash them where she can't get them.
Tell your boss, and make sure they know it's in confidence.
Find a solicitor.
Look on wiki orcs dot com
All the answers are on there.
They'll be a bloke somewhere, you haven't looked hard enough.
Birds are tree swingers.
Don't let go of one branch until they've grabbed another
Sort a flat out somewhere
Get your house valued and on the market
Get that sorted now
Forget double garages
That's five years away.
Take the initiative
Control the things you can control
Youve not even started yet
Hold on to the rails
It all gets a bit disorientating
You'll get through it
You may just have to get a rented gaffe and force the house sale when the kids are 18
Whatever.
It's over, move on.
The first advice she'll get is to run those right up.
Close joint bank account.
Get control of finances
Get a hold of any financial papers,bank statements and stash them where she can't get them.
Tell your boss, and make sure they know it's in confidence.
Find a solicitor.
Look on wiki orcs dot com
All the answers are on there.
They'll be a bloke somewhere, you haven't looked hard enough.
Birds are tree swingers.
Don't let go of one branch until they've grabbed another
Sort a flat out somewhere
Get your house valued and on the market
Get that sorted now
Forget double garages
That's five years away.
Take the initiative
Control the things you can control
Youve not even started yet
Hold on to the rails
It all gets a bit disorientating
You'll get through it
You may just have to get a rented gaffe and force the house sale when the kids are 18
Whatever.
It's over, move on.
Sagpack said:
Sheets Tabuer said:
Sagpack said:
Everyone tells me it'll get better, I'm trying, but god damn, it's so bloody hard.
It does, quickest way for you to heal is to work on yourself, hit the gym, eat right and do stuff, go to concerts, get on dating sites etc. One day you'll not think about it and perhaps when you're not even looking someone will rock your world.stuttgartmetal said:
They'll be a bloke somewhere, you haven't looked hard enough.
Birds are tree swingers.
Don't let go of one branch until they've grabbed another
Never understood this comment. Tree swingers do exactly that, they fly thru the air, letting go of one branch long before grabbing another. That's how they get thru the bloody forest/jungle so quickly. Birds are tree swingers.
Don't let go of one branch until they've grabbed another
stuttgartmetal said:
Cut up her credit cards
The first advice she'll get is to run those right up.
Close joint bank account.
Get control of finances
Get a hold of any financial papers,bank statements and stash them where she can't get them.
Tell your boss, and make sure they know it's in confidence.
Find a solicitor.
Look on wiki orcs dot com
All the answers are on there.
They'll be a bloke somewhere, you haven't looked hard enough.
Birds are tree swingers.
Don't let go of one branch until they've grabbed another
Sort a flat out somewhere
Get your house valued and on the market
Get that sorted now
Forget double garages
That's five years away.
Take the initiative
Control the things you can control
Youve not even started yet
Hold on to the rails
It all gets a bit disorientating
You'll get through it
You may just have to get a rented gaffe and force the house sale when the kids are 18
Whatever.
It's over, move on.
Speaking as someone who has been through the same thing, this is sound advice, sadly.The first advice she'll get is to run those right up.
Close joint bank account.
Get control of finances
Get a hold of any financial papers,bank statements and stash them where she can't get them.
Tell your boss, and make sure they know it's in confidence.
Find a solicitor.
Look on wiki orcs dot com
All the answers are on there.
They'll be a bloke somewhere, you haven't looked hard enough.
Birds are tree swingers.
Don't let go of one branch until they've grabbed another
Sort a flat out somewhere
Get your house valued and on the market
Get that sorted now
Forget double garages
That's five years away.
Take the initiative
Control the things you can control
Youve not even started yet
Hold on to the rails
It all gets a bit disorientating
You'll get through it
You may just have to get a rented gaffe and force the house sale when the kids are 18
Whatever.
It's over, move on.
The night is always darkest before the dawn, chin up
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