Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
I feel for you chap it must be a real wrench. As others have said, you need to look after yourself as you will be going through enough without picking up the pieces for your other half. You need as clean a break as possible to pick yourself up and move on. Once you are in a better place maybe you can support her as a friend but clearly there is a lot of general admin and possession ‘stuff’ to resolve first, then making sure you are ok, then support her if required.
Your thoughts are admirable but probably misplaced at this time. I hope you get through this as unscathed as possible.
Stu
Your thoughts are admirable but probably misplaced at this time. I hope you get through this as unscathed as possible.
Stu
Wolfer said:
Small update,
Definitely over. She isn't depressed, as work etc is all fine, just how she feels about me.
Spent quite an emotional evening going through everything tonight, going to start ebaying all our furniture tomorrow, get a skip ordered for junk / nik-naks etc (20 years of accumulating!) Telling my family tomorrow.
She suggested staying as we are in the house as friends, but I really can't face that.
Dogs will go with her, going to be hassle with banks, credit cards etc as everything has been joint for nearly all those 20 years.
My concern is for her at the moment, she hasn't much in the way of friends, as we have been inseparable since 16, so we were pretty much our only friends, and I have quite a large family, she does not.
Thanks for listening
After being in your position, do not worry about her.Definitely over. She isn't depressed, as work etc is all fine, just how she feels about me.
Spent quite an emotional evening going through everything tonight, going to start ebaying all our furniture tomorrow, get a skip ordered for junk / nik-naks etc (20 years of accumulating!) Telling my family tomorrow.
She suggested staying as we are in the house as friends, but I really can't face that.
Dogs will go with her, going to be hassle with banks, credit cards etc as everything has been joint for nearly all those 20 years.
My concern is for her at the moment, she hasn't much in the way of friends, as we have been inseparable since 16, so we were pretty much our only friends, and I have quite a large family, she does not.
Thanks for listening
Look after number one, you. She could have had weeks, months or years preparing herself for this. You now need to get your life on track again.
She will be fine. I can promise you of that.
You need to reconnect with friends, get into some social circles as they will offer support.
12 months from now, you wont be looking back or feeling s
t. Also, ex's cant be friends. Its impossible... so try not to be talked into this routeOP why sell the furniture? You will need a sofa, table etc.. x2 now. I'd just split it up.
Finances - top priority. Clear your joint CCs and cancel them (do you have savings?) If not personal loan for both of you with a 50/50 split until the house sells.
Do you both have your own bank accounts? Wages into them first off. Fund the joint acc manually for the bills until you separate.
Finances - top priority. Clear your joint CCs and cancel them (do you have savings?) If not personal loan for both of you with a 50/50 split until the house sells.
Do you both have your own bank accounts? Wages into them first off. Fund the joint acc manually for the bills until you separate.
Wolfer said:
Small update,
Definitely over. She isn't depressed, as work etc is all fine, just how she feels about me.
I'm not surprised but I am sorry to hear that.Definitely over. She isn't depressed, as work etc is all fine, just how she feels about me.
I'll echo the comments above, this is a shock to you but it isn't to her. You're the one that really needs looking after and only you can do that.
Try and make it quick, clean and fair. Don't get bogged down on minutia, however 'fair' it is both parties will feel that they came off worse. It's when they both then fight for 'fairness' that the real problems start.
If you can get 50/50 on the big stuff (house, car etc) then don't sweat the little stuff. And do your best to get a clean break, you don't want commitments moving forward.
The best advice I was given in not dissimilar circumstances was 'It will get worse before it gets better. But it will get better. The world will keep turning, the sun will keep coming up, and eventually you WILL come out the other side of this'.
Wolfer said:
My concern is for her at the moment, she hasn't much in the way of friends, as we have been inseparable since 16, so we were pretty much our only friends, and I have quite a large family, she does not.
Don't be surprised if she turns out to have a new 'Special Friend' very quickly.People (I won't say just women) tend not to move on to a worse situation (single, no house etc) unless there is a very good reason.
Sorry to hear this, I was hoping it was just a phase.
Also, you work together. Is this working for someone else, or you have your own company together?
stargazer30 said:
OP why sell the furniture? You will need a sofa, table etc.. x2 now. I'd just split it up.
Finances - top priority. Clear your joint CCs and cancel them (do you have savings?) If not personal loan for both of you with a 50/50 split until the house sells.
Do you both have your own bank accounts? Wages into them first off. Fund the joint acc manually for the bills until you separate.
This ^^Finances - top priority. Clear your joint CCs and cancel them (do you have savings?) If not personal loan for both of you with a 50/50 split until the house sells.
Do you both have your own bank accounts? Wages into them first off. Fund the joint acc manually for the bills until you separate.
Also, you work together. Is this working for someone else, or you have your own company together?
Ari said:
The best advice I was given in not dissimilar circumstances was 'It will get worse before it gets better. But it will get better. The world will keep turning, the sun will keep coming up, and eventually you WILL come out the other side of this'.
Uggh, no matter how well meaning or attempting to be placating, this is such generic bobbins.
Cheers,
selling furniture as theres loads in this house! Might look a bit messy when people view. I don't want anything that will remind me of "us" so everything else I will tip or give away.
We work for the same company, hopefully I can stay out of the way.
No savings as we have been doing the house up as were trying for a baby, probably about 3k or so in cc's etc, about 70k equity tied up in house.
I'm offering her anything she wants from the house before selling or tipping the rest.
Just been to collect boxes for packing stuff up.
st this is bad
selling furniture as theres loads in this house! Might look a bit messy when people view. I don't want anything that will remind me of "us" so everything else I will tip or give away.
We work for the same company, hopefully I can stay out of the way.
No savings as we have been doing the house up as were trying for a baby, probably about 3k or so in cc's etc, about 70k equity tied up in house.
I'm offering her anything she wants from the house before selling or tipping the rest.
Just been to collect boxes for packing stuff up.
s
t this is bad
Wolfer said:
Btw, how the hell do people who've been through this sleep?
I'm awake till at least 3am, then everytime I think "I'll try to get off now" I think of the good memories and am wide awake feeling kicked in the guts again. Tv goes back on.
Look after your physical health, chap. Try to remember to eat properly and get outside once in a while. You can't fight the mental pain if the body isn't functioning well.I'm awake till at least 3am, then everytime I think "I'll try to get off now" I think of the good memories and am wide awake feeling kicked in the guts again. Tv goes back on.
Wolfer said:
Btw, how the hell do people who've been through this sleep?
I'm awake till at least 3am, then everytime I think "I'll try to get off now" I think of the good memories and am wide awake feeling kicked in the guts again. Tv goes back on.
Best thing I found was exercise. Made me feel a whole world better for so many reasons. I'm awake till at least 3am, then everytime I think "I'll try to get off now" I think of the good memories and am wide awake feeling kicked in the guts again. Tv goes back on.
Tired me out, so sleep became easier
Allowed my mind to escape whilst pounding the pavements (listening to some uplifting tunes at the same time)
Bizarre sense of pleasure watching dawn break and lights going on around the city as you're running around it
Gave a surge in adrenaline and endorphins to start the day with a feel good (hot shower at 6.45am after an hour run is great to start each day positively)
Made me feel better with my health, weight/waistline reduction and sense of self-worth
Gave me something to get out of bed for and a sense of discipline/achievement
Only really started it cos I was lying awake in the early hours each day feeling sorry for myself. One day I threw on some old tennis trainers I had lying around, plugged in my iphone and jogged down the street. Haven't run in my life up to that point. 10 months later I was in my first 10k and regularly do the 5k park runs on a Saturday morning these days.
Wolfer said:
Cheers,
selling furniture as theres loads in this house! Might look a bit messy when people view. I don't want anything that will remind me of "us" so everything else I will tip or give away.
We work for the same company, hopefully I can stay out of the way.
No savings as we have been doing the house up as were trying for a baby, probably about 3k or so in cc's etc, about 70k equity tied up in house.
I'm offering her anything she wants from the house before selling or tipping the rest.
Just been to collect boxes for packing stuff up.
st this is bad
Very lucky escape there. Sorry to read it's final, I thought there was a reasonable chance it was another bout of depression.selling furniture as theres loads in this house! Might look a bit messy when people view. I don't want anything that will remind me of "us" so everything else I will tip or give away.
We work for the same company, hopefully I can stay out of the way.
No savings as we have been doing the house up as were trying for a baby, probably about 3k or so in cc's etc, about 70k equity tied up in house.
I'm offering her anything she wants from the house before selling or tipping the rest.
Just been to collect boxes for packing stuff up.
s
t this is badAs others have said, get your finances in order. Cut up the joint credit cards right now. Get new accounts in your own name, and try to agree to pay off the joint CC Get the house on the market ASAP (before she digs her heels in, stays put and you end up moving out to avoid the conflict).
The work situation sounds like it could be uncomfortable, unless it's a big enough company to keep away from each other.
Don't worry about her well being - it might be a bombshell to you, but she's been planning this for a while, and has her around it.
Like others have said - look after number one.
She will be. It's wasted effort thinking of her at any point. Sorry.
The sleep thing - try and stay healthy. Kebabs and Stella aren't your friend here. Get exercising if you don't already. This will have a multitude of benefits.
Catch back up with mates. They'll help no end.
Wish you all the best.
She will be. It's wasted effort thinking of her at any point. Sorry.
The sleep thing - try and stay healthy. Kebabs and Stella aren't your friend here. Get exercising if you don't already. This will have a multitude of benefits.
Catch back up with mates. They'll help no end.
Wish you all the best.
My situation was a little different from yours for several reasons, and it sounds as though you have friends and family around. However, I (eventually!) found the route to get back on track involved some of the following:-
Meeting new people and new experiences: I did a series of cookery classes, mechanics class at college, started playing 6 a side footie again. Before that I was useless in the kitchen, only modestly skilled with spanners and hadn't played football for a few years. All of these gave a regularity to my social life outside of work hours rather than drifting around with nowhere in particular to be. Met a few new friends in the process.
One-off bucket list stuff. I learnt to snowboard, I went skydiving, I bought another daft car.
Holidays and experiences: I went to the alps to go boarding (after learning as above - obviously...), I went on a 3000 mile road trip in said daft car, I went and caught up with mates in Toronto and in Dubai, I went on a lads trip to Puerto Banus.
Exercise: As said, started running. Renewed gym membership and got my a*se down there 5 times a week in a regular pattern.
Aesthetics: Having lost some weight due to the above and gained some shape, I gayed up, purchased GQ for inspiration, I asked a few female mates to join me on some shopping trips and bought an almost entirely new wardrobe.
It took me a while to find my way and get on with some of these things. Sadly there was no guide in easy reach. It was only afterward I looked back and realise what each of these brought to me psychologically, and really that was only when I decided to write that guide and knock another item off the bucket list.
Meeting new people and new experiences: I did a series of cookery classes, mechanics class at college, started playing 6 a side footie again. Before that I was useless in the kitchen, only modestly skilled with spanners and hadn't played football for a few years. All of these gave a regularity to my social life outside of work hours rather than drifting around with nowhere in particular to be. Met a few new friends in the process.
One-off bucket list stuff. I learnt to snowboard, I went skydiving, I bought another daft car.
Holidays and experiences: I went to the alps to go boarding (after learning as above - obviously...), I went on a 3000 mile road trip in said daft car, I went and caught up with mates in Toronto and in Dubai, I went on a lads trip to Puerto Banus.
Exercise: As said, started running. Renewed gym membership and got my a*se down there 5 times a week in a regular pattern.
Aesthetics: Having lost some weight due to the above and gained some shape, I gayed up, purchased GQ for inspiration, I asked a few female mates to join me on some shopping trips and bought an almost entirely new wardrobe.
It took me a while to find my way and get on with some of these things. Sadly there was no guide in easy reach. It was only afterward I looked back and realise what each of these brought to me psychologically, and really that was only when I decided to write that guide and knock another item off the bucket list.
Well the same thing happened to me to me in Febuary this year. Right out the blue ex said she didn’t love me anymore and I must say it was a shock, but no kids and my house so could been worse she packed her stuff and left.
I wanted to get away so went off to Australia to stay with my brother, had the time of my life and was considering emigrating.
When I came back we talked and tried to give things another go but from my point of view with what she had said the damage had been done and it would always of been at the back of my mind, and that I would be better off on my own, so I called things off unfriended her on FB and 6 months later I was in a new relationship and all seems well.
I wanted to get away so went off to Australia to stay with my brother, had the time of my life and was considering emigrating.
When I came back we talked and tried to give things another go but from my point of view with what she had said the damage had been done and it would always of been at the back of my mind, and that I would be better off on my own, so I called things off unfriended her on FB and 6 months later I was in a new relationship and all seems well.
Ari said:
The best advice I was given in not dissimilar circumstances was 'It will get worse before it gets better. But it will get better. The world will keep turning, the sun will keep coming up, and eventually you WILL come out the other side of this'.
This is just about the corniest thing I've ever read. It's off the scale on schmaltz.Baryonyx said:
Ari said:
The best advice I was given in not dissimilar circumstances was 'It will get worse before it gets better. But it will get better. The world will keep turning, the sun will keep coming up, and eventually you WILL come out the other side of this'.
This is just about the corniest thing I've ever read. It's off the scale on schmaltz.Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff