Being told " I don't love you anymore"

Being told " I don't love you anymore"

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Discussion

singlecoil

33,311 posts

245 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Wolfer said:
I take it others find this normal then?
None of this stuff is normal, really. Every situation is different, although there are of course similarities. I daresay you've tried to talk this stuff through, but you won't make much progress with someone who doesn't want to talk and/or doesn't want to be talked round.

Those posters who are saying that you have now got to put yourself at the centre of your planning for the future are right.

prand

5,910 posts

195 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Impasse said:
It's not.
Was for me too, though maybe not in as many descriptive words.

When I went through this I kept myself sane in the dark moments knowing this was about as bad as I would ever feel, and that it absolutely would get better bit by bit. And so it did.

Perhaps those who hold a crumb of hope of getting back together, or become tied up with sentimentality and loss who get broken by this.

I think the OP has recognised this is over so is now taking practical steps not to drag it out any longer than necessary. That seems the best thing. It doesn't mean this is not painful, and you have my sympathies OP, but take heart in knowing this is the door opening on a new adventure and you will feel much better as new opportunities come along that you hadn't realised would happen and you start to enjoy a new, unexpected chapter of your life.


Zodiac M

135 posts

129 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Tiggsy said:
Was with the same person for 21 years - 19 - 40. Married, 4 kids, house, etc.

Went through the same as OP......and I'll tell you what everyone told me - it gets SOOOO much better!

This time last year I thought I'd be alone forever! In fact, 2014 was an amazing year.....the second you LET GO you move on, and you'll be amazed how quick and easy that is.

I've never been happier.

Life is just a succession of visits to theme parks.....if one is great, and doesnt ever ask you to leave - stay as long as you like. But rest assured, if it ever closes on you.....there will be more. Not ones you would have gone to had you not needed to - but given that life has asked that you try another, just enjoy the new rides! And enjoying the new ones is no reflection on the ones you enjoyed before. I loved my 21 years....and loving this now.
Good post mate.

singlecoil

33,311 posts

245 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Zodiac M said:
Good post mate.
+1

CountZero23

1,288 posts

177 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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No - not normal in my experience, things have always been going in the wrong direction before I've split up with my ex's.

Just had the 'I'm not in love with you' bomb dropped 2 days ago...

We've only been living with each other for 5 months and I'm still finding it tough - 20 years, really feel for you mate. What I find crazy is how women can just switch off, she tells me all this after we get into bed. She crashes out and is sleeping like a baby afterwards and I barely sleep at all.

Went out for a few beers with a mate last night, ended pretty pissed and woke up next to some random lass 10 years my junior this morning. Still feel like ste but it's certainly taken the sting out of things.








lukefreeman

1,492 posts

174 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Get on POF, and go mental.

That'll keep you distracted for a while.

BrabusMog

20,083 posts

185 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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lukefreeman said:
Get on POF, and go mental.

That'll keep you distracted for a while.
100% this - my best mate just split up with his wife after they had been together 12 years (married 3) 2 months ago and he's got hold of 4 birds through POF already. And she was the one who instigated the break up.

CountZero23

1,288 posts

177 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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POF is so 2000's, get yer arse on Tinder. Really is daft how easy it makes it.

Remeber girls love an older guy, go bang a few cute students - if you've been dating the same girl since you were 16 you need to start making up for lost time wink


BrabusMog

20,083 posts

185 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Tiggsy said:
BrabusMog said:
lukefreeman said:
Get on POF, and go mental.

That'll keep you distracted for a while.
100% this - my best mate just split up with his wife after they had been together 12 years (married 3) 2 months ago and he's got hold of 4 birds through POF already. And she was the one who instigated the break up.
I did tinder.

Staggeringly easy....was on a beach in Mexico with someone within weeks.
Well that relationship escalated quickly hehe

BrabusMog

20,083 posts

185 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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tastyorange said:
Tiggsy said:
I did tinder.

Staggeringly easy....was on a beach in Mexico with someone within weeks.
Really? I have good looking friends in their late 20's who hardly get any matches despite liking all profiles..
Tell them to get onto POF then, lots to choose from over there according to my mates.

lukefreeman

1,492 posts

174 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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tastyorange said:
Tiggsy said:
I did tinder.

Staggeringly easy....was on a beach in Mexico with someone within weeks.
Really? I have good looking friends in their late 20's who hardly get any matches despite liking all profiles..
You have ugly friends.........


Didn't reccomend Tinder as it's (sorry for how it sounds) aimed at the youngsters. Not many people over 35 on it if I'm honest, and max age is 50!

CountZero23

1,288 posts

177 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Tiggsy said:
Wow...I'm all for moving on....but if you're sleeping with someone else 2 days after an issue crops up.....it sounds like it wasn't meant to be!
Probably some truth in that! Things had been going south for a while, wanted to sort things out but you can't really get past some one not being in love with you.

Was out with a good mate who's just got out of a 5 year relationship putting the world to rights and after quite a few beers had the option of going back to sleep with a random girl at the bar or share a bed with my ex it was a no brainer given how pissed I was by that point.

Really wanted to patch things up but having read this thread I'm glad things ended sooner rather than later, it's tough but it's only 5 months and no kids / mortgage involed.

20 years is a long time, really feel for the OP.





lord trumpton

7,320 posts

125 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Wolfer said:
I take it others find this normal then?

As in, I would guess up to a month ago, everything was or seemed, to be fine, probably much better than fine. Not long back from anniversary holiday, planning for the future, even more than we always had, and finishing our house, then those words!

Got the day off again, just going to remove the "cosy" touches around the house, pics of us, hearts with our names inscribed etc. (After watching "Them" I recorded last night) Then gonna get my ass in gear and have a shower, I may or may not be beginning to hum! Rest of the day is my oyster (crap analogy)

My family are upset by the news, but ive made out I'm not bothered.
I did think I may have been contacted by her family, but not so.

Cheers
You are obviously upset about all this.

Have you tried to boil down the feeling you have? What I mean is this; do you feel the same as her at the bottom of all this?

If you take away the feelings of rejection and the fears of the unknown can you honestly say you want to spend the rest of your life with her?

Spmetimes its easy to feel devastated by such an event but maybe underneath you may well bounce back quickly once you adapt to the new life ahead of you.

TwigtheWonderkid

43,248 posts

149 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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CountZero23 said:
Just had the 'I'm not in love with you' bomb dropped 2 days ago...


Went out for a few beers with a mate last night, ended pretty pissed and woke up next to some random lass 10 years my junior this morning.


rofl

Yeah, those first 24 hours can be awful, but time is a great healer.

Zoobeef

6,004 posts

157 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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I had the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" at the start of 2011.

It was a pretty st time selling houses, getting rid of pictures and the rest of it.
After buying my new house and just sitting in it on my own and seeing where I had come from a few months before was utter turd.

But.... I cheered myself up with a Noble. Turned my house exactly how I wanted it (decorated the garage first). Bought a track car and threw myself into club meets, track days and nights out/meals all over the country. We're not all 40 year old virgins wink

Then this year, met my current Mrs on the 1st Jan. Head well and truly screwed on. She has a great job, money sense, her own house and is 7 years younger (23).
From that point my life got better, did 2.5 weeks in California and got my skydiving licence, trackdays every month including Zandvoort (awesome), photo shoot for the 200th Evo magazine.

Life definitely gets better, you just have to go through the grieving process.

snood

107 posts

140 months

Friday 28th November 2014
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Zoobeef said:
I had the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" at the start of 2011.
The best mine could do was "I feel a fondness for you". Separated now!

PurpleMoonlight

22,362 posts

156 months

Friday 28th November 2014
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snood said:
Zoobeef said:
I had the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" at the start of 2011.
The best mine could do was "I feel a fondness for you". Separated now!
Gees, I didn't even get that.

She was supposed to be going away for a few days to look after her mothers business while she was on a course, and never came back. Well, not while I was there at least, she broke in twice while I wasn't and helped herself.

I never was given a reason, other than all the lies in the divorce petition ...

Wolfer

Original Poster:

185 posts

126 months

Friday 28th November 2014
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Thanks all, seems a few have been through this then!

Not getting any better, her dad called round yesterday and said to give it a week or two and things might change. But this morning we have sort of agreed that I need to destroy my crumb of hope. She doesn't feel any different at all.

Last night here tonight I think, will take a few things and go tomorrow. (Before you say, she offered to go if I can't stand it here, but easier if I go)
She thinks that my family have told me to do this to make her suffer, ie stuck here on her own and to make her think about things. But it's not, starting to realise it really is over.

Will be hard back at work next week, if she's not with me in corridors, restraunt, breaks etc I always get asked "wheres xxxx?"

Memories are non-stop at the moment, and every fookin song on the radio is about breaking up, making it bloody harder.

Not had a drink all week, but it's Friday and I usually have a few cans at home on a Friday night, at least I may get off to sleep! Tomorrow busy doing pre-planned things, then will say goodbye to our dogs.

Thanks for reading.

Monkeylegend

26,226 posts

230 months

Friday 28th November 2014
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Wolfer said:
then will say goodbye to our dogs.
I took the dog with me, he was a great comforter and got me through a difficult first few months. Had him for 15 years, he finally went 3 years ago. I miss him far more than the ex wink

Is it not possible for you to take one or both of them? You know what they say about mans best friend, and it's true. Stopped me from doing anything silly.

RobinBanks

17,540 posts

178 months

Friday 28th November 2014
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Wolfer said:
Thanks all, seems a few have been through this then!

Not getting any better, her dad called round yesterday and said to give it a week or two and things might change. But this morning we have sort of agreed that I need to destroy my crumb of hope. She doesn't feel any different at all.

Last night here tonight I think, will take a few things and go tomorrow. (Before you say, she offered to go if I can't stand it here, but easier if I go)
She thinks that my family have told me to do this to make her suffer, ie stuck here on her own and to make her think about things. But it's not, starting to realise it really is over.

Will be hard back at work next week, if she's not with me in corridors, restraunt, breaks etc I always get asked "wheres xxxx?"

Memories are non-stop at the moment, and every fookin song on the radio is about breaking up, making it bloody harder.

Not had a drink all week, but it's Friday and I usually have a few cans at home on a Friday night, at least I may get off to sleep! Tomorrow busy doing pre-planned things, then will say goodbye to our dogs.

Thanks for reading.
I have no idea where you live, but if you happen to be in the Birmingham area we could go for a drink and chat. It's not that far off something that happened to me (as I mentioned earlier in the thread) so there may be some common ground.