Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
Andy Zarse said:
Precisely. Your best policy is to say nothing to her, just as you would with the business partner. Totally ignore her beyond basic pleasantries and domestic necessities. Tell her absolutely nothing. Let her brain do the mental churning for a change. You are in a game of chess and the stakes are very high. Keep a poker face, give nothing away. You need to get some control back as she's playing you like a little puppy on a string. So do not discuss any tactics or outcomes. Do not let her know you want her back, and equally, do not let her know you want to get rid of her. Ignoring women drives them to distraction. It's your only chance of breaking her.
Just remember; no woman ever went back to a man who pleaded and cried and begged at their feet. They only ever go back to confident men who they respect.
Some bloody good stuff there, especially the last paragraph.Just remember; no woman ever went back to a man who pleaded and cried and begged at their feet. They only ever go back to confident men who they respect.
OP, when you disconnect from her you will change the dynamic of your relationship with her, such as it is. That will either suit her, which is fine, or it won't suit her, which is fine too.
singlecoil said:
Andy Zarse said:
Precisely. Your best policy is to say nothing to her, just as you would with the business partner. Totally ignore her beyond basic pleasantries and domestic necessities. Tell her absolutely nothing. Let her brain do the mental churning for a change. You are in a game of chess and the stakes are very high. Keep a poker face, give nothing away. You need to get some control back as she's playing you like a little puppy on a string. So do not discuss any tactics or outcomes. Do not let her know you want her back, and equally, do not let her know you want to get rid of her. Ignoring women drives them to distraction. It's your only chance of breaking her.
Just remember; no woman ever went back to a man who pleaded and cried and begged at their feet. They only ever go back to confident men who they respect.
Some bloody good stuff there, especially the last paragraph.Just remember; no woman ever went back to a man who pleaded and cried and begged at their feet. They only ever go back to confident men who they respect.
OP,
When the ex and I split we were living in the same house with her three children for about 8 months or so after the "This is it" conversation. Being fairly adult about it whilst there was no more jiggy jiggy we carried on sharing a bed until shortly after she learnt I was sharing other ladies beds when not home. At that point I moved out to the living room with a nice blow up mattress (surprisingly comfortable!) until the house was all sold.
Things were amicable and there were even some good evenings which reminded us why we had got together in the first place, even if there was no future. It helped that I have a lot of friends far away and spent plenty of time with them.
There are so many people telling you how hard things are going to be living together and how much up have to suck it up and right now it's likely to be eating you up and you are thinking how much of this will I be able to cope with. I can tell you that whilst there will be some very difficult days and moments it isn't likely to actually turn out as bad as you think it will be!
Personally I find it much easier to be civil than nasty.
Finally, whilst there will be the ball swingers on here who will tell you that you have to be a b
d to get anywhere my honest experience is that you don't. Nice guys don't finish last, patsies do.
When the ex and I split we were living in the same house with her three children for about 8 months or so after the "This is it" conversation. Being fairly adult about it whilst there was no more jiggy jiggy we carried on sharing a bed until shortly after she learnt I was sharing other ladies beds when not home. At that point I moved out to the living room with a nice blow up mattress (surprisingly comfortable!) until the house was all sold.
Things were amicable and there were even some good evenings which reminded us why we had got together in the first place, even if there was no future. It helped that I have a lot of friends far away and spent plenty of time with them.
There are so many people telling you how hard things are going to be living together and how much up have to suck it up and right now it's likely to be eating you up and you are thinking how much of this will I be able to cope with. I can tell you that whilst there will be some very difficult days and moments it isn't likely to actually turn out as bad as you think it will be!
Personally I find it much easier to be civil than nasty.
Finally, whilst there will be the ball swingers on here who will tell you that you have to be a b
d to get anywhere my honest experience is that you don't. Nice guys don't finish last, patsies do. Rude-boy said:
OP,
When the ex and I split we were living in the same house with her three children for about 8 months or so after the "This is it" conversation. Being fairly adult about it whilst there was no more jiggy jiggy we carried on sharing a bed until shortly after she learnt I was sharing other ladies beds when not home. At that point I moved out to the living room with a nice blow up mattress (surprisingly comfortable!) until the house was all sold.
Things were amicable and there were even some good evenings which reminded us why we had got together in the first place, even if there was no future. It helped that I have a lot of friends far away and spent plenty of time with them.
There are so many people telling you how hard things are going to be living together and how much up have to suck it up and right now it's likely to be eating you up and you are thinking how much of this will I be able to cope with. I can tell you that whilst there will be some very difficult days and moments it isn't likely to actually turn out as bad as you think it will be!
Personally I find it much easier to be civil than nasty.
Finally, whilst there will be the ball swingers on here who will tell you that you have to be a bd to get anywhere my honest experience is that you don't. Nice guys don't finish last, patsies do.
It's great that it happened that way and it may work out the same for the OP and others, but as I'm sure you will appreciate there are situations where matters are in essence under the control of somebody else. When the ex and I split we were living in the same house with her three children for about 8 months or so after the "This is it" conversation. Being fairly adult about it whilst there was no more jiggy jiggy we carried on sharing a bed until shortly after she learnt I was sharing other ladies beds when not home. At that point I moved out to the living room with a nice blow up mattress (surprisingly comfortable!) until the house was all sold.
Things were amicable and there were even some good evenings which reminded us why we had got together in the first place, even if there was no future. It helped that I have a lot of friends far away and spent plenty of time with them.
There are so many people telling you how hard things are going to be living together and how much up have to suck it up and right now it's likely to be eating you up and you are thinking how much of this will I be able to cope with. I can tell you that whilst there will be some very difficult days and moments it isn't likely to actually turn out as bad as you think it will be!
Personally I find it much easier to be civil than nasty.
Finally, whilst there will be the ball swingers on here who will tell you that you have to be a b
d to get anywhere my honest experience is that you don't. Nice guys don't finish last, patsies do. Without wanting to go too far down Gloomndoom St there are things that can happen that are far from civil - it may have been documented in the thread already but anyway...
From within my immediate family and circle of closest friends, some weird and very unpleasant stuff has happened. In one case the man involved took the oft-received advice to stay put in the marital home, but that didn't go down too well and his ex made a baseless accusation of assault to get him out asafp. The police didn't investigate beyond interviewing him, their policy was and maybe still is to arrest any man accused of domestic violence, charge them and 'let the Courts sort it out'. The arrest was at 6am. Bail conditions prevented any contact and no access to the former home. She had emptied the joint account the previous night and while it got evened out financially in the end, he was released from custody still shell shocked with nowhere to go and slept in his car in the works car park that night and the next (Sunday/Monday) living off one take-away from pocket change and fruit from the office bowl, until he thought to contact family and friends who helped out with money and a roof. It was winter and waking up with a couple of frozen banana skins for company wasn't his best start to a day ever. He was eventially able to gather credible evidence to prove he wasn't in town on the date of the alleged assault, and although his solicitor warned that they could just change the allegation to a date between x and y, that didn't happen, but the day after charges were dropped and bail conditions therefore lifted, he received notification of occupation order and non-molestation order applications which were somehow perfectly timed. Six months later she wanted to go back to how it was (!) but he didn't need to think long and hard about that.
Another case with which I became closely acquainted for family or close friend reasons, the man was not long retired when the break-up happened, he was told that his soon-to-be ex simply didn't want to grow old in retirement with him. Righto. He and his solicitor thought it had all gone reasonably calmly and smoothly inasmuch as heartbreak can ever be smooth and calm - until he had just moved out and into a new house at which point the 'ex' decided to camp out on his doorstep begging to get back together, the siege went on for two days until she put some glass through trying to get in and injured herself, police and the ambulance service sorted it out after that. How to impress new neighbouts!
Very best wishes to anyone caught up in this, and still riding the rollercoaster, for everything to work out as calmly, civilly and smoothly as humanly possible while moving back on to an even keel and happier times.
allergictocheese said:
amare32 said:
Getting married and having kids post 2000 is a mug's game.
Sure fire way for a lifetime of misery. F that Sheet.
To be honest, if you've got to the ripe old age of 2000, having children is probably the last thing on your mind.Sure fire way for a lifetime of misery. F that Sheet.
turbobloke said:
... stuff
I warned about this on the first page I think. Tread carefully as when things start to go downhill (shouting is perhaps a signal of that) then she may ask for advice and that awful Mumsnet recommends what you described: made up assault charge, get them out of the house, you then have freedom to get all the documents you need and prevent them from getting back in again.amare32 said:
Getting married and having kids post 2000 is a mug's game.
Sure fire way for a lifetime of misery. F that Sheet.
Every day I used to catch a train to work. Every so often it would be late. It is almost always only the days it was late that I remember much about 15 years on, not the 100's of times it worked as it should.Sure fire way for a lifetime of misery. F that Sheet.
Even if you stated up an "Are you happily married?" thread 99% of those that are wouldn't post it!
TB - I do agree, it can be a very bad time and place for a great many people. I was just trying to illustrate that it isn't always the case. Everyone is different and every split different. You can only talk as you find. I was relatively lucky, although a mate of mine had an even better split and he and his ex together with their respective new partners are regularly see out and about in a group of 4 or more. Others can have it really bad with the false accusations and the mud slinging. If there is one thing that I am 100% sure made my life (and that of other couple I know who have split) easier was having separate bank accounts.
Rude-boy said:
TB - I do agree, it can be a very bad time and place for a great many people. I was just trying to illustrate that it isn't always the case. Everyone is different and every split different. You can only talk as you find. I was relatively lucky, although a mate of mine had an even better split and he and his ex together with their respective new partners are regularly see out and about in a group of 4 or more. Others can have it really bad with the false accusations and the mud slinging. If there is one thing that I am 100% sure made my life (and that of other couple I know who have split) easier was having separate bank accounts.
Completely understood. The issue, which I know you appreciate, is that even if one party wants to be civil, if the other doesn't then there will be trouble ahead and possibly major grief.boxst said:
turbobloke said:
... stuff
I warned about this on the first page I think.boxst said:
Tread carefully as when things start to go downhill (shouting is perhaps a signal of that) then she may ask for advice and that awful Mumsnet recommends what you described: made up assault charge, get them out of the house, you then have freedom to get all the documents you need and prevent them from getting back in again.
Sadly, that's exactly what happens all too often.snood said:
Here's something, a gift from her first visit...
This is the inside of my signet ring, with her name blanked out. The 'I.N.L.Y.G.' means 'I'll never let you go.' But it is now "your thing" as she so delightfully says. Heartbreaking? Damn right.
You do realise that is an anagram of "Lying"This is the inside of my signet ring, with her name blanked out. The 'I.N.L.Y.G.' means 'I'll never let you go.' But it is now "your thing" as she so delightfully says. Heartbreaking? Damn right.
Edited by snood on Saturday 3rd January 21:51
pavka007 said:
Oldred_V8S said:
You do realise that is an anagram of "Lying"
Ops.... 
Oldandslow said:
You've got SOME keys off her.
Change the locks or you'll forever worry about unscheduled visits and stty cushions.
She's a decent girl and woulnd't do anything like that. Touch of the mental but not vicious, she wants to go right to being best friends!? Change the locks or you'll forever worry about unscheduled visits and s
tty cushions.Though touching wood and hoping this statment doesn't come back to bite me in the arse - or s
t on my cushions for that matter. Edited by CountZero23 on Monday 5th January 16:36
CountZero23 said:
She's a decent girl and woulnd't do anything like that. Touch of the mental but not vicious, she wants to go right to being best friends!?
Though touching wood and hoping this statment doesn't come back to bite me in the arse - or st on my cushions for that matter.
I wouldn't bet against it. Her friends will be telling her what she should do 'in her best interests'. Thees no need to baheve badly, but being dfensive is no bad idea imho. 'I wish I'd known then what I know now' is not a good feeling.Though touching wood and hoping this statment doesn't come back to bite me in the arse - or s
t on my cushions for that matter. Edited by CountZero23 on Monday 5th January 16:36
Oldred_V8S said:
You do realise that is an anagram of "Lying"
D'you know, I'd mever sussed that - well done
I had realised that she'd reported to the cops. For what I don't know - I only ever hit things like walls. Snag is, I'd already done the same, when I thought she was going to take her (inebriated) anger out on my possessions.
Wolfer said:
Hi mate,
Pretty much a lot of what you say rings true.
After a little discussion earlier, a few things were made clear.
1, There is no-one else, she just doesn't love me (after 20 years!!)
2, She has no idea where to go, especially with the dogs.
3, Nothings going to change.
4, I'm now a toss3r for questioning things and going on too much.
5, I shouldn't speak about her female relatives that have done the same to blokes, albeit the blokes were iffy.
6, Possibility I'm too nice !!!!!
7, Only asked back as it is also my house, and I was living with family where one was very (possibly terminally) ill.
Beginning to think this was a mistake, except for the fact I can start sorting everything out from here.
As a few of you have said, fk me it's lonely!
How can a woman change, from loving, caring, helpful, considerate, loyal and the person you would die for, and possibly still would, into someone who has no time for you, wants to see things cleared up, and, as tonight has shown, for the first time......start shouting at you!
Wtf!!
Jesus Christ, man the fPretty much a lot of what you say rings true.
After a little discussion earlier, a few things were made clear.
1, There is no-one else, she just doesn't love me (after 20 years!!)
2, She has no idea where to go, especially with the dogs.
3, Nothings going to change.
4, I'm now a toss3r for questioning things and going on too much.
5, I shouldn't speak about her female relatives that have done the same to blokes, albeit the blokes were iffy.
6, Possibility I'm too nice !!!!!
7, Only asked back as it is also my house, and I was living with family where one was very (possibly terminally) ill.
Beginning to think this was a mistake, except for the fact I can start sorting everything out from here.
As a few of you have said, f
k me it's lonely!How can a woman change, from loving, caring, helpful, considerate, loyal and the person you would die for, and possibly still would, into someone who has no time for you, wants to see things cleared up, and, as tonight has shown, for the first time......start shouting at you!
Wtf!!
k up...It is never going to get better. She isn't somebody you can trust anymore.
Sticks. said:
CountZero23 said:
She's a decent girl and woulnd't do anything like that. Touch of the mental but not vicious, she wants to go right to being best friends!?
Though touching wood and hoping this statment doesn't come back to bite me in the arse - or st on my cushions for that matter.
I wouldn't bet against it. Her friends will be telling her what she should do 'in her best interests'. Thees no need to baheve badly, but being dfensive is no bad idea imho. 'I wish I'd known then what I know now' is not a good feeling.Though touching wood and hoping this statment doesn't come back to bite me in the arse - or s
t on my cushions for that matter. Edited by CountZero23 on Monday 5th January 16:36
Still, mates with most of my ex's. Time will tell, or potentially queue "if only I'd listened to Sticks" post in a few weeks time
Got some fun weekends lined up so f
k it, still feel like crap but have plenty of fun distractions to keep me occupied. It's getting better bit by bit.
Andy Zarse said:
Pommygranite said:
stuttgartmetal said:
Treat her like an untrustworthy business partner.
This. This 100%.Just remember; no woman ever went back to a man who pleaded and cried and begged at their feet. They only ever go back to confident men who they respect.
Understand it.
If/ when it gets worse she may well pull the old "I'm not safe with you here"
routine.
Unfortunately the law almost always, always sides with the woman.
You've just gotta keep calm, level headed till then end of this
You're in a sh tstorm right now.
Pre plan that eventuality
Get ahold of all the big documentation you won't be able to get before this happens
Get a hold of any money or credit cards savings you can
Cut up/ cancel any joint credit cards
Get your house docs
Have a bag packed and sort a plan B so you don't end up sleeping in a car
One of her big tactics will be to totally knock you off your feet
Including f cking with your head
Any women after that length of time will be able to press any of your buttons ands take control
Take it as read
It's over
All that maybe I would take her back give it another go world your thinking of, which really is, and you know this, is I'd do anything to get her back is not an option I'm afraid
You need to throw a shutter down on her
A big roller door
It is what it is Fella
You're not the last guy this has happened to
Control what you can control
Deal with the sh t she's gonna hit you with
The world keeps turning
Your going to make it through this and wonder how you did it.
You will
There's no going back, only forwards
Keep us posted
Get onto Wikivorce.com and read the forums
When you get to the point you feel you can post on there, then post on there.
Any questions you have post
It invaluable.
Try to stay clearheaded
stuttgartmetal said:
Read it
Understand it.
If/ when it gets worse she may well pull the old "I'm not safe with you here"
routine.
Unfortunately the law almost always, always sides with the woman.
You've just gotta keep calm, level headed till then end of this
You're in a sh tstorm right now.
Pre plan that eventuality
Get ahold of all the big documentation you won't be able to get before this happens
Get a hold of any money or credit cards savings you can
Cut up/ cancel any joint credit cards
Get your house docs
Have a bag packed and sort a plan B so you don't end up sleeping in a car
One of her big tactics will be to totally knock you off your feet
Including f cking with your head
Any women after that length of time will be able to press any of your buttons ands take control
Take it as read
It's over
All that maybe I would take her back give it another go world your thinking of, which really is, and you know this, is I'd do anything to get her back is not an option I'm afraid
You need to throw a shutter down on her
A big roller door
It is what it is Fella
You're not the last guy this has happened to
Control what you can control
Deal with the sh t she's gonna hit you with
The world keeps turning
Your going to make it through this and wonder how you did it.
You will
There's no going back, only forwards
=
Keep us posted
Get onto Wikivorce.com and read the forums
When you get to the point you feel you can post on there, then post on there.
Any questions you have post
It invaluable.
Try to stay clearheaded
+1Understand it.
If/ when it gets worse she may well pull the old "I'm not safe with you here"
routine.
Unfortunately the law almost always, always sides with the woman.
You've just gotta keep calm, level headed till then end of this
You're in a sh tstorm right now.
Pre plan that eventuality
Get ahold of all the big documentation you won't be able to get before this happens
Get a hold of any money or credit cards savings you can
Cut up/ cancel any joint credit cards
Get your house docs
Have a bag packed and sort a plan B so you don't end up sleeping in a car
One of her big tactics will be to totally knock you off your feet
Including f cking with your head
Any women after that length of time will be able to press any of your buttons ands take control
Take it as read
It's over
All that maybe I would take her back give it another go world your thinking of, which really is, and you know this, is I'd do anything to get her back is not an option I'm afraid
You need to throw a shutter down on her
A big roller door
It is what it is Fella
You're not the last guy this has happened to
Control what you can control
Deal with the sh t she's gonna hit you with
The world keeps turning
Your going to make it through this and wonder how you did it.
You will
There's no going back, only forwards
=
Keep us posted
Get onto Wikivorce.com and read the forums
When you get to the point you feel you can post on there, then post on there.
Any questions you have post
It invaluable.
Try to stay clearheaded
Maybe a bit cynical but not bad advice.
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