Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[Kentish]

I think if I was in a similar situation I'd send her on a long holiday (beneath the patio)

[craig_m67]

9mm said:

I don't think the ownership situation has ever been confirmed, but in any event, I think that if she wants to end the relationship, so she should be the one to move out. Her continued presence in the property doesn't seem to be helping anyone and the sooner all parties confront the reality of the situation and start acting accordingly, the sooner both can move on.

I'm in this exact situation right now, except with an eight year old son and no job (me). She isn't moving anywhere and is loving the control she has (with no notice, withdrew half the joint account had the bank freeze the balance to secure the mortgage, closed credit cards and opened herself new accounts, just leaves with our son whenever she wants - no conversation or warning, very slowly removing items of value from the property and storing at her mothers).

It was doing my head in but I'm fked if I'm going to lose (my) equity in the house or access to my son so sitting quietly, exercising, studying and looking after my son.

Upside is I've lost 15kgs in three months and really don't care what happens to her when we finally separate. It is tempting to 'disable' vehicles, internet or remove/vandalise things... but I want a clean conscious when this is over

[mjb1]

9mm said:

I don't think the ownership situation has ever been confirmed, but in any event, I think that if she wants to end the relationship, so she should be the one to move out. Her continued presence in the property doesn't seem to be helping anyone and the sooner all parties confront the reality of the situation and start acting accordingly, the sooner both can move on.

They're married, they both jointly own the own the house. Along with all their other worldy possessions (and liabilities).

As long as they're not tearing strips off each other, it's worth both of them staying in the house - whilst being awkward and uncomfortable, it keeps the pressure up to get the place sold quickly.

[CountZero23]

mjb1 said:

9mm said:

I don't think the ownership situation has ever been confirmed, but in any event, I think that if she wants to end the relationship, so she should be the one to move out. Her continued presence in the property doesn't seem to be helping anyone and the sooner all parties confront the reality of the situation and start acting accordingly, the sooner both can move on.

They're married, they both jointly own the own the house. Along with all their other worldy possessions (and liabilities).

As long as they're not tearing strips off each other, it's worth both of them staying in the house - whilst being awkward and uncomfortable, it keeps the pressure up to get the place sold quickly.

I see your point mate but living together sounds nightmarish to me unless it's a mutual / amicable split (does that ever happen?).

You're unlikely to shift a house in less than 6 months which is a long time to be dragging this limbo stage on for, will make it impossible for the OP to move on and start rebuilding his life.

If finances allow then one of you needs to get out, even if it's a shared house / bedsit. Split the costs, make it happen.

Another option woukd be to both move out and rent the property out. Still, the sooner you can cut all ties the better.

[9mm]

mjb1 said:

9mm said:

I don't think the ownership situation has ever been confirmed, but in any event, I think that if she wants to end the relationship, so she should be the one to move out. Her continued presence in the property doesn't seem to be helping anyone and the sooner all parties confront the reality of the situation and start acting accordingly, the sooner both can move on.

They're married, they both jointly own the own the house. Along with all their other worldy possessions (and liabilities).

As long as they're not tearing strips off each other, it's worth both of them staying in the house - whilst being awkward and uncomfortable, it keeps the pressure up to get the place sold quickly.

The legal position is one thing. What's best all round may well be another and in these circumstances I think it is.

She will have a plan. That clearly involves sitting tight, a situation that is clearly doing the op no good at all. She wants out of the relationship and I think any genuine person, having decided they wanted out of a relationship and all the pain that would cause for the other party, would do the decent thing and move out to give the ex some space. I can't comprehend a situation where I would tell my wife that I didn't love her any more and then remained in the family home to torment her. I'd fully expect her to tell me to pack my bags and quite right too. The split of the property and disposal of joint assets can be sorted out later. In the meantime, it's only fair that the person doing the dumping should have to put up with some inconvenience, such as staying with friends or relatives.

[CountZero23]

olly22n said:

CountZero23 said:

I see your point mate but living together sounds nightmarish to me unless it's a mutual / amicable split (does that ever happen?).

You're unlikely to shift a house in less than 6 months which is a long time to be dragging this limbo stage on for, will make it impossible for the OP to move on and start rebuilding his life.

Unfortunately he will just have to suck up that 6 months as best he can. I had to do it and it wasn't pleasant (fking horrible infact), but it has to be done.

6 months is a small price to pay to get the rest of your life back, to do with as he pleases, with whom he pleases.

A free man with the world at his feet, you just need to serve 6 months in purgatory.

The two weeks I had to live with mine before getting rid was bloody awful, all credit to you for being able to stomach 6 months of it. 6 months is pretty much the minimum time it could take too, if a buyer pulls out / chain collapses then it could be longer.

I'd happily pay £400 quid a month to live in a stty shared house rather than brazen it out for some unspecified amount of time with a girl who'd just twisted a knife into my gut.

Upside being you'd get to meet some new people and start forming a new social circle.

Don't know how tight cash is for the OP but would want to put as much distance as possible between me and the ex asap.

Hard enough with my ex having a ton of her crap at my house and dropping by periodically.

Supposedly she's got a new place to move into in a week or so. Can't fking wait to get shot and move on. Will save some awkward conversations with any young ladies I may bring back

9mm said:

The legal position is one thing. What's best all round may well be another and in these circumstances I think it is.

I think any genuine person, having decided they wanted out of a relationship and all the pain that would cause for the other party, would do the decent thing and move out to give the ex some space.

+1

[menousername]

craig_m67 said:

I'm in this exact situation right now, except with an eight year old son and no job (me). She isn't moving anywhere and is loving the control she has (with no notice, withdrew half the joint account had the bank freeze the balance to secure the mortgage, closed credit cards and opened herself new accounts, just leaves with our son whenever she wants - no conversation or warning, very slowly removing items of value from the property and storing at her mothers).

It was doing my head in but I'm fked if I'm going to lose (my) equity in the house or access to my son so sitting quietly, exercising, studying and looking after my son.

Upside is I've lost 15kgs in three months and really don't care what happens to her when we finally separate. It is tempting to 'disable' vehicles, internet or remove/vandalise things... but I want a clean conscious when this is over

Is that legal?

Can one spouse withdraw half the joint account on their own without the other persons approval?

Can one person freeze said bank account?

Never had a joint account but sounds wrong to allow unilateral action of one party

[singlecoil]

Perfectly legal. Joint account doesn't mean joint signatures needed for each transaction.

[RobinBanks]

In terms of dreams, the Gone Girl-esque one where you're back together is the one I found the worst!

Then again I've never had a second of worry or unhappiness as the result of a break up. I just go and do something else, so I find it hard to empathise although I do sympathise.

[menousername]

singlecoil said:

Perfectly legal. Joint account doesn't mean joint signatures needed for each transaction.

Crazy stuffs

Not been in the situation and no offence intended to anyone caught up in a messy separation, but always felt that if I were ever married or living with a women I would control my finances 100% separately

A joint account would be for bills only. If she had an income, fine. If less than mine obviously I would contribute more. If she had no income I would feed her account with sufficient funds for her to have the necessary freedom etc etc. Would never have completely shared totally transparent funds.

She would not know my balances or assets or would underestimate them due to my understating them

Not sure if that level of caution is compatible with the idea of "love" but having been on very hard times before, the security of having a walk-away fund has alot going for it.

[craig_m67]

menousername said:

She would not know my balances or assets or would underestimate them due to my understating them

Hej,

With respect, this is a bit naive.

1. As a partner (married or defacto) she/he gets half (or more) of everything regardless of when it was acquired or who's account (personal, joint, family member) it's in. Hiding or disposing of assets and wealth is frowned upon by the courts, besides a solicitor can compel banks and other institutions to provide your financial details and history very easily. I'm just about to initiate this myself. By all means have a walk away fund in separate account to sleep easier, just double your budget/estimate as half of it will go.

2. What's the point of relationship that's not built upon absolute trust and transparency?

Edited by craig_m67 on Thursday 8th January 07:16

[NorthDave]

craig_m67 said:

Hej,

With respect, this is a bit naive.

1. As a partner (married or defacto) she/he gets half (or more) of everything regardless of when it was acquired or who's account (personal, joint, family member) it's in. Hiding or disposing of assets and wealth is frowned upon by the courts, besides a solicitor can compel banks and other institutions to provide your financial details and history very easily. I'm just about to initiate this myself. By all means have a walk away fund in separate account to sleep easier, just double your budget/estimate as half of it will go.

2. What's the point of relationship that's not built upon absolute trust and transparency?

Edited by craig_m67 on Thursday 8th January 07:16

Is point 1 only true if you have kids? I didn't think there was a defacto halving scenario if just married?

Its not really fair to say you lose more than half if kids are involved as I assume the vast majority is for them and their care?

[singlecoil]

craig_m67 said:

menousername said:

She would not know my balances or assets or would underestimate them due to my understating them

Hej,

With respect, this is a bit naive.

1. As a partner (married or defacto) she/he gets half (or more) of everything regardless of when it was acquired or who's account (personal, joint, family member) it's in. Hiding or disposing of assets and wealth is frowned upon by the courts, besides a solicitor can compel banks and other institutions to provide your financial details and history very easily. I'm just about to initiate this myself. By all means have a walk away fund in separate account to sleep easier, just double your budget/estimate as half of it will go.

2. What's the point of relationship that's not built upon absolute trust and transparency?

Edited by craig_m67 on Thursday 8th January 07:16

1.In order to track down such money those doing the tracking have to first of all know that it exists, and secondly where to find it.

2.Surely that's what this and every other such thread is about, the fact that absolute trust and transparency don't always last, and people with assets to protect would do well to remember that no matter how besotted they are.

[boxst]

singlecoil said:

craig_m67 said:

menousername said:

She would not know my balances or assets or would underestimate them due to my understating them

Hej,

With respect, this is a bit naive.

1. As a partner (married or defacto) she/he gets half (or more) of everything regardless of when it was acquired or who's account (personal, joint, family member) it's in. Hiding or disposing of assets and wealth is frowned upon by the courts, besides a solicitor can compel banks and other institutions to provide your financial details and history very easily. I'm just about to initiate this myself. By all means have a walk away fund in separate account to sleep easier, just double your budget/estimate as half of it will go.

2. What's the point of relationship that's not built upon absolute trust and transparency?

Edited by craig_m67 on Thursday 8th January 07:16

1.In order to track down such money those doing the tracking have to first of all know that it exists, and secondly where to find it.

2.Surely that's what this and every other such thread is about, the fact that absolute trust and transparency don't always last, and people with assets to protect would do well to remember that no matter how besotted they are.

1: Yes. And that is why if you read MumsNet (I did after a thread on here) the first piece of advice is don't leave just yet. Go through computers, drawers, post and look for every piece of financial document you can find and copy it.

2: Trust. Ha ha ha. See point 1.

[mjb1]

9mm said:

mjb1 said:

9mm said:

I don't think the ownership situation has ever been confirmed, but in any event, I think that if she wants to end the relationship, so she should be the one to move out. Her continued presence in the property doesn't seem to be helping anyone and the sooner all parties confront the reality of the situation and start acting accordingly, the sooner both can move on.

They're married, they both jointly own the own the house. Along with all their other worldy possessions (and liabilities).

As long as they're not tearing strips off each other, it's worth both of them staying in the house - whilst being awkward and uncomfortable, it keeps the pressure up to get the place sold quickly.

The legal position is one thing. What's best all round may well be another and in these circumstances I think it is.

She will have a plan. That clearly involves sitting tight, a situation that is clearly doing the op no good at all. She wants out of the relationship and I think any genuine person, having decided they wanted out of a relationship and all the pain that would cause for the other party, would do the decent thing and move out to give the ex some space. I can't comprehend a situation where I would tell my wife that I didn't love her any more and then remained in the family home to torment her. I'd fully expect her to tell me to pack my bags and quite right too. The split of the property and disposal of joint assets can be sorted out later. In the meantime, it's only fair that the person doing the dumping should have to put up with some inconvenience, such as staying with friends or relatives.

It would be best for him, if she moved out yes, but probably not for her. You can say that morally she should be the one to leave, but if she doesn't volunteer (which it appears she isn't), then he can't force her to. And as soon as one person moves out then the incentive for the remaining partner to get the house sold reduces.

It should be possible to get the place sold quicker than 6 months, if you are prepared to take a bit of a hit on the price.

NorthDave said:

craig_m67 said:

Hej,

With respect, this is a bit naive.

1. As a partner (married or defacto) she/he gets half (or more) of everything regardless of when it was acquired or who's account (personal, joint, family member) it's in. Hiding or disposing of assets and wealth is frowned upon by the courts, besides a solicitor can compel banks and other institutions to provide your financial details and history very easily. I'm just about to initiate this myself. By all means have a walk away fund in separate account to sleep easier, just double your budget/estimate as half of it will go.

2. What's the point of relationship that's not built upon absolute trust and transparency?

Edited by craig_m67 on Thursday 8th January 07:16

Is point 1 only true if you have kids? I didn't think there was a defacto halving scenario if just married?

Its not really fair to say you lose more than half if kids are involved as I assume the vast majority is for them and their care?

It's partly fair to say that some of the division is for the kids, but if the parent with care gets the house, shouldn't that be temporarily until the kids are grown up? Also, it is generally assumed that the mother has given up at least some of her income/career to raise the kids, so she usually gets compensated for that (some of his pension etc).

Hiding assets is a big gamble, if found out you're likely to end up worse off than if you had declared everything.

I think the starting point for dividing assets is 50:50, and there needs to be a compelling reason to deviate from that (e.g. a very short marriage, kids involved).

[Wolfer]

Hi chaps,

Can't explain fully, haven't got long, but yes, joint mortgage, we'll split everything equally. Including furnishings (although I just want to sell the lot, do not want reminders). She will take the dogs, again as they will be reminders. Only trouble with her taking the dogs is that it will be harder for her to find a place to stay once house is sold.

One complication came up last night, I came back from work ready to ask about getting separate accounts and just paying into the joint account the bills we need to pay. However, before I got that far, she explained she is being made redundant.

Now it will look like spite if I was to go ahead with conversation about getting separate accounts!

[FamilyDub]

Bit harsh, but she's the one that led you down this path, so...

[trackdemon]

Wolfer said:

Hi chaps,

Can't explain fully, haven't got long, but yes, joint mortgage, we'll split everything equally. Including furnishings (although I just want to sell the lot, do not want reminders). She will take the dogs, again as they will be reminders. Only trouble with her taking the dogs is that it will be harder for her to find a place to stay once house is sold.

One complication came up last night, I came back from work ready to ask about getting separate accounts and just paying into the joint account the bills we need to pay. However, before I got that far, she explained she is being made redundant.

Now it will look like spite if I was to go ahead with conversation about getting separate accounts!

1: So what? She wanted out, not you. A wise person earlier said treat her like a business partner; detach emotion.
2: Doesn't this mean she'll have a nice lump sum to set herself up with?

[Pommygranite]

Wolfer said:

, she explained she is being made redundant.

Now it will look like spite if I was to go ahead with conversation about getting separate accounts!

And so it begins...

You need to stop being such a big fking pussy - IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

She chose this path and now the path deviates once again DUE TO HER.

Keep doing what you need to do.

[BrabusMog]

Wolfer said:

Hi chaps,

Can't explain fully, haven't got long, but yes, joint mortgage, we'll split everything equally. Including furnishings (although I just want to sell the lot, do not want reminders). She will take the dogs, again as they will be reminders. Only trouble with her taking the dogs is that it will be harder for her to find a place to stay once house is sold.

One complication came up last night, I came back from work ready to ask about getting separate accounts and just paying into the joint account the bills we need to pay. However, before I got that far, she explained she is being made redundant.

Now it will look like spite if I was to go ahead with conversation about getting separate accounts!

And how did you feel when she told you she no longer loved you? I'm not for treating people harshly but she made her choice and now she'll have to deal with the consequences. Plus, if she's been at her current employer for more than 2 years she will still be getting a bit of a payout and she can live off that in the meantime.

It isn't spiteful, it's just bad timing for her.