Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[Loudy McFatass]

Wolfer said:

Thanks again, I think!
Been a strange day, been in the house together (neither of us have anywhere to go really) watching Columbo, on the buses and the Waltons.

Spoke about going to docs (in case it's depression) but mainly spoke about selling house and everything in it. She doesn't want that just yet, I'm not going to push it.

We had / have a long weekend booked off, think I may pop to Wales or similar and do some lone hiking.

Feel strong one minute, a mess the next.

But thanks,

Cheers

"She doesn't want that yet"

Wtf? Don't let her call the shots ffs! Forget what she wants. She's broke your heart out the blue, she deserves nothing.

Forge ahead with the selling of everything and rid her from your life.

[RobinBanks]

Loudy McFatass said:

Wolfer said:

Thanks again, I think!
Been a strange day, been in the house together (neither of us have anywhere to go really) watching Columbo, on the buses and the Waltons.

Spoke about going to docs (in case it's depression) but mainly spoke about selling house and everything in it. She doesn't want that just yet, I'm not going to push it.

We had / have a long weekend booked off, think I may pop to Wales or similar and do some lone hiking.

Feel strong one minute, a mess the next.

But thanks,

Cheers

"She doesn't want that yet"

Wtf? Don't let her call the shots ffs! Forget what she wants. She's broke your heart out the blue, she deserves nothing.

Forge ahead with the selling of everything and rid her from your life.

If you can give some credence to the possibility of her depression, please know that she barely knows what she's doing.

Don't write her off until you know it's not depression. You would be surprised what it does to you.


If you'd like me to PM your story of how depression ruined my marriage OP I would be happy to tell you. But I'd rather not write it for anyone to see. I'm sure you understand.

[snood]

Loudy McFatass said:

"She doesn't want that yet"

Wtf? Don't let her call the shots ffs! Forget what she wants. She's broke your heart out the blue, she deserves nothing.

Forge ahead with the selling of everything and rid her from your life.

I, too, made the letting her call the shots error, for far too long. I've heel-shaped dents in the back of my skull from bending over backwards for nearly three years. Then, to use another metaphor, I ran out of cheeks to turn.

Unless the likelihood of depression is high, beware of being too accommodating. Now, a court battle looms (unless she comes to her senses about my wholly fair property offer). We could each lose a lot, in a 'no fault' divorce. It seems that divorce courts aren't too hot on 'fair'.

[Pferdestarke]

Wolfer said:

Thanks again, I think!
Been a strange day, been in the house together (neither of us have anywhere to go really) watching Columbo, on the buses and the Waltons.

Spoke about going to docs (in case it's depression) but mainly spoke about selling house and everything in it. She doesn't want that just yet, I'm not going to push it.

We had / have a long weekend booked off, think I may pop to Wales or similar and do some lone hiking.

Feel strong one minute, a mess the next.

But thanks,

Cheers

You're now beginning to worry us.

Call her bluff and say you're speaking to an estate agent.

It's your life to run, not hers!

[RobinBanks]

snood said:

Loudy McFatass said:

"She doesn't want that yet"

Wtf? Don't let her call the shots ffs! Forget what she wants. She's broke your heart out the blue, she deserves nothing.

Forge ahead with the selling of everything and rid her from your life.

I, too, made the letting her call the shots error, for far too long. I've heel-shaped dents in the back of my skull from bending over backwards for nearly three years. Then, to use another metaphor, I ran out of cheeks to turn.

Unless the likelihood of depression is high, beware of being too accommodating. Now, a court battle looms (unless she comes to her senses about my wholly fair property offer). We could each lose a lot, in a 'no fault' divorce. It seems that divorce courts aren't too hot on 'fair'.

I agree with you (snood) to a degree.
However the fact that she has a history of depression tells me that it's likely again. The reason that I'm so vocal about it on this thread is that it sounds exactly like my experience.

[anonymous-user]

PAUL500 said:

Almost certainly getting attention elsewhere.

As most have said once they make their minds up thats it, become very cold creatures when they get to this stage, counselling wont help, I doubt she would agree to go and even if she did she wont tell the person the truth anyway, been there, done that read the book.

Once the guilt stage is over, which does not take long the greed stage will commence, get your finances in order and fast, if she goes to a typical solicitor thats when it will really get nasty and costly.

What ever you do dont move out.

Sorry to tell you all this, but its being typed from my mums spare bedroom whilst my ex still lives in my £550k house, the latest boyfriends car was on the drive when I went to collect my daughter for the day today.

Agree 100% with this as I am in exactly the same situation. Your wife has got to 36 and is starting to have a mid life crisis. I suspect you thought you were doing the right thing by providing her with an easy and comfortable life. All it has done is make her bored and she is desperate for a bit of excitement. Someone new has come along and that is all she can think about now. The following explains it far better than I ever can :

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library...

I would guess that once she is free to see this man whenever she wants the excitement will wear off very quickly and they will split. He is just the lever she needs to get her out of the marriage.

Luckily you don't have children which makes the whole situation a lot easier. Have to say, considering how often this situation seems to occur you would have to be absolutely crazy to get married if you are a man. It is a contract where every single clause is in the favour of the woman, even if she is the one who gets bored and wants out.

For a long time I thought it was all my fault and maybe I took her for granted/didn't send her flowers to work/etc. enough. Took me quite a while to realise that women think the grass is greener and screw over decent men for no reason. This is exactly what is happening to you right now.

7 months after I split with the Ex I moved out to Melbourne on a spur of the moment decision. I ended up meeting and living with a girl who is 8 years younger than me and much hotter than my ex. I don't think she liked that one bit and is now sending me messages saying how much she misses me and that maybe our "break" was just so we could have time to reconsider our marriage. This will also probably happen to you after a year or so.

I also warn you that you will feel a mess for the first year or so. It has been 14 months for me now and I can honestly say I don't remember being this happy.

From my experience the best and most satisfying revenge is to live well and be happy.

[RobinBanks]

Joey Deacon said:

Agree 100% with this as I am in exactly the same situation. Your wife has got to 36 and is starting to have a mid life crisis. I suspect you thought you were doing the right thing by providing her with an easy and comfortable life. All it has done is make her bored and she is desperate for a bit of excitement. Someone new has come along and that is all she can think about now. The following explains it far better than I ever can :

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library...

I would guess that once she is free to see this man whenever she wants the excitement will wear off very quickly and they will split. He is just the lever she needs to get her out of the marriage.

Luckily you don't have children which makes the whole situation a lot easier. Have to say, considering how often this situation seems to occur you would have to be absolutely crazy to get married if you are a man. It is a contract where every single clause is in the favour of the woman, even if she is the one who gets bored and wants out.

For a long time I thought it was all my fault and maybe I took her for granted/didn't send her flowers to work/etc. enough. Took me quite a while to realise that women think the grass is greener and screw over decent men for no reason. This is exactly what is happening to you right now.

7 months after I split with the Ex I moved out to Melbourne on a spur of the moment decision. I ended up meeting and living with a girl who is 8 years younger than me and much hotter than my ex. I don't think she liked that one bit and is now sending me messages saying how much she misses me and that maybe our "break" was just so we could have time to reconsider our marriage. This will also probably happen to you after a year or so.

I also warn you that you will feel a mess for the first year or so. It has been 14 months for me now and I can honestly say I don't remember being this happy.

From my experience the best and most satisfying revenge is to live well and be happy.

I'm glad that that worked out for you. Very sincerely I'm happy to read a post like this.

[Impasse]

Really? Seems to me like it's out of the frying pan and into the fire.

[anonymous-user]

RobinBanks said:

I'm glad that that worked out for you. Very sincerely I'm happy to read a post like this.

I am probably in a similar situation to you, I walked out of the house with my laptop, passport and my clothes in a bin liner. Everything I have ever worked for is tied up in the house. I am also still paying the mortgage while her boyfriend stays there (apparently he isn't living there, only stays over a few nights a week...)

Luckily, like you I moved in to my parents spare bedroom and they have really looked after me. I feel sorry for men in the same situation as us who do not have family to rely on. I can only imagine how terrible it must be to move out of the family home and then have to move into a bedsit or shared house.

So at the age of 40 I have basically had to start again. I am not bothered about any of the possessions in the house, that is only stuff and it is actually quite liberating not having to worry about it. My main concern is having all my money tied up in that house and the fact that my name is on the mortgage. This means it is very difficult for me to buy another property when I want to.

But aside from that I don't have to put up with the mental and her lying and that is worth any price.

Just wish I could go back 10 years and not marry her, my life would have been much better.

[anonymous-user]

Impasse said:

Really? Seems to me like it's out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Neither of us want kids and neither of us wants to get married, if it doesn't work out then we just go our separate ways. The only other option is to stay single, and at the age of 41 I don't really fancy that right now.

As far as I am concerned the problems start once they have the ring on their finger and realise that no matter what happens they get everything.

[Boozy]

Joey Deacon said:

From my experience the best and most satisfying revenge is to live well and be happy.

I'm not sure satisfying revenge fits in with living well and being happy? If you're looking for revenge I'd suggest you have some feelings locked up in there, or you're still bitter.

[CBR JGWRR]

RobinBanks said:

Don't write her off until you know it's not depression. You would be surprised what it does to you.

As a depression sufferer of over a decade, that...

[omgus]

Boozy said:

Joey Deacon said:

From my experience the best and most satisfying revenge is to live well and be happy.

I'm not sure satisfying revenge fits in with living well and being happy? If you're looking for revenge I'd suggest you have some feelings locked up in there, or you're still bitter.

Absolutely that. Whilst you still want to "one-up" your ex you are not fully past them.

Once you honestly couldn't care less either way you are getting to a point where you can be properly happy.

I must say that i have been on the other side of this, I thought the issues in the relationship were apparent, i thought it was obvious that things had been strained and that i was very unhappy. I eventually plucked up the courage and sat down with her to tell her i didn't love her any more and that i didn't think we should stay together.
She was completely oblivious, she had no idea it was coming and she hadn't noticed the same things as me, i took a deliriously happy girl and destroyed her life in a 5 minute conversation.

[9mm]

Boozy said:

Joey Deacon said:

From my experience the best and most satisfying revenge is to live well and be happy.

I'm not sure satisfying revenge fits in with living well and being happy? If you're looking for revenge I'd suggest you have some feelings locked up in there, or you're still bitter.

Revenge is probably too strong a word but it's natural to want to achieve a kind of balance if you were the injured party. This may mean seeing her new relationship(s) fail, especially one that was part of your break up. I think it has a lot to do with recovering your self esteem after being rejected, which explains why many rejectees take a younger lover, start going to the gym, change their image, etc. Like any wound, it'll get better over time and it's only likely to be a problem if it dominates your thoughts many years later. Having said that, it is usually a devasatating experience and one that few people can ever put totally behind them and emerge from unscathed and unchanged.

My advice to the OP is to give it a week or two to see if you can open up a proper dialogue. My experience is that a reluctance to see a doctor or go to counselling (together) is usually a sign that the other person isn't interested in saving things. Be wary of being turned into the villain of the piece. If no positive signs are forthcoming then harden your heart and start looking out for number one.

[GnuBee]

To counter some of the "she's getting it elsewhere" etc --- I've been the one saying "I don't love you anymore" after 7 years of marriage. It was as simple as that, I didn't love her anymore, no third parties involved but the key thing is there was also no chance of finding that love again.

Whilst the comments re giving it a few days/weeks sound good to be brutally honest it's very unlikely to make any difference. If the partner has got to the point where they openly tell you this and it was done outside of a confrontation/argument etc it's gone and you need to move on.

The best advice I've seen here (probably because it worked for me) is to keep things amicable, lean on your family for support and move on quickly.

The other thing worth mentioning is people will tend to demonise your partner - don't assume it was easy for her to tell you. It was one of the hardest things I had to do...

[singlecoil]

9mm said:

Boozy said:

Joey Deacon said:

From my experience the best and most satisfying revenge is to live well and be happy.

I'm not sure satisfying revenge fits in with living well and being happy? If you're looking for revenge I'd suggest you have some feelings locked up in there, or you're still bitter.

Revenge is probably too strong a word but it's natural to want to achieve a kind of balance if you were the injured party. This may mean seeing her new relationship(s) fail, especially one that was part of your break up. I think it has a lot to do with recovering your self esteem after being rejected, which explains why many rejectees take a younger lover, start going to the gym, change their image, etc. Like any wound, it'll get better over time and it's only likely to be a problem if it dominates your thoughts many years later. Having said that, it is usually a devasatating experience and one that few people can ever put totally behind them and emerge from unscathed and unchanged.

My advice to the OP is to give it a week or two to see if you can open up a proper dialogue. My experience is that a reluctance to see a doctor or go to counselling (together) is usually a sign that the other person isn't interested in saving things. Be wary of being turned into the villain of the piece. If no positive signs are forthcoming then harden your heart and start looking out for number one.

Good post, especially the bit about achieving a balance.

[Efbe]

two things spring to mind.

firstly, it's not that time of the month is it? or she isn't up the duff?


secondly. "one little slip up"?

[Ari]

PAUL500 said:

Sorry to tell you all this, but its being typed from my mums spare bedroom whilst my ex still lives in my £550k house, the latest boyfriends car was on the drive when I went to collect my daughter for the day today.

Why do you guys always seem to give your house away when this happens?

Would it not be better to sell the £550,000 house and buy two smaller houses, then your daughter would have somewhere to come and stay with you?

[Ari]

Joey Deacon said:

I am probably in a similar situation to you, I walked out of the house with my laptop, passport and my clothes in a bin liner. Everything I have ever worked for is tied up in the house. I am also still paying the mortgage while her boyfriend stays there (apparently he isn't living there, only stays over a few nights a week...)

Luckily, like you I moved in to my parents spare bedroom and they have really looked after me. I feel sorry for men in the same situation as us who do not have family to rely on. I can only imagine how terrible it must be to move out of the family home and then have to move into a bedsit or shared house.

So at the age of 40 I have basically had to start again.

Another one giving a house away. Why? Half of it is yours surely?

[julian64]

Ari said:

Joey Deacon said:

I am probably in a similar situation to you, I walked out of the house with my laptop, passport and my clothes in a bin liner. Everything I have ever worked for is tied up in the house. I am also still paying the mortgage while her boyfriend stays there (apparently he isn't living there, only stays over a few nights a week...)

Luckily, like you I moved in to my parents spare bedroom and they have really looked after me. I feel sorry for men in the same situation as us who do not have family to rely on. I can only imagine how terrible it must be to move out of the family home and then have to move into a bedsit or shared house.

So at the age of 40 I have basically had to start again.

Another one giving a house away. Why? Half of it is yours surely?

House isn't yours the minute you decide to have children.