Being told " I don't love you anymore"

Being told " I don't love you anymore"

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CountZero23

1,288 posts

177 months

Friday 29th May 2015
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Shnozz said:
Wolfer said:
Starting to worry now re my age if I prolong the perhaps inevitable!
From the original post you are 36?

Assuming that to be correct, its the same age as me and, believe me, its an utterly fantastic age to be single. You'll fall under the radar of women of almost any age category. As men we benefit additionally from the fact you do not even have temporal considerations in relation to fatherhood.

That said, life in general is short and do not waste it pursuing something that is not worth pursuing. As Pat H alluded to below, the first X number of months will always be full of remorse and a gaping loss where rose-tinter specs feed you images only of the good times and never the bad. Get beyond those, find yourself (avoid rebound relationships IMO), and get out the other side and you'll often look back with more pragmatic realism of the past and find a spring in your step to move on.
Shnozz really does have a good point, I'm 34 and life in that regard has never been easier. At 36 and a decent guy with no kids you'll have your pick. Please do read the "Is 15 years difference going to be a problem?" for reference.

http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...

He's right about the split being a painful one, it will take some getting over. When you do come out the other side you'll be so glad you escaped. I remember from earlier in the thread you've been together since college or something daft. Must make it allot harder.

When you go through a few breakups at least you can always look back and think "I've been here before, and I'm always fine". This is your first big one and its huge.

You need to end things now for your own sake in my view.

Really wish this wasn't the case.


Edited by CountZero23 on Friday 29th May 00:20

BrabusMog

20,083 posts

185 months

Friday 29th May 2015
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I've got 2 newly single mates; one of them has thrown himself into the online dating and treats chatting to birds as sales leads and is ploughing through a fair few. The other one is being a bit too gentlemanly about it and is clearly getting used for a few drinks here and there. Definitely not a world I'd be wanting to be getting into, so I can see why the OP would be trying to save things, although that is probably not the best long term option. Best of luck though.

200bhp

5,663 posts

218 months

Friday 29th May 2015
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OP - I have to say I've not read all of this thread but to me it is obvious what she wants...... a baby!


CountZero23

1,288 posts

177 months

Friday 29th May 2015
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200bhp said:
OP - I have to say I've not read all of this thread but to me it is obvious what she wants...... a baby!
This would be hilariously harsh for the OP.

It would cost more than a Lamborghini and picking your kid up from your old house from the ex and her new personal trainer boyfriend would not be as much fun.

Nobby Diesel

2,051 posts

250 months

Friday 29th May 2015
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Andy Zarse said:
That and stop living in a fool's paradise.

She will have learned many lessons this last year, not least how to use the guile you demonstrated in catching her. Next time, and there will be one, she won't make the same mistakes. And don't come crying here when you're left penniless...
Absolutely nothing to do with the OP's post, but blimey, Andy Zarse.......... There's a name straight out of the Club Arnage yesteryear!

200bhp

5,663 posts

218 months

Friday 29th May 2015
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CountZero23 said:
200bhp said:
OP - I have to say I've not read all of this thread but to me it is obvious what she wants...... a baby!
This would be hilariously harsh for the OP.

It would cost more than a Lamborghini and picking your kid up from your old house from the ex and her new personal trainer boyfriend would not be as much fun.
I really do think thats what it could be.

A couple of years ago, a colleague was going through a similar thing and sought advice from the girls in the office. All of them who were in the 28-28 age bracket said it was more than likely a baby craving. Even if she claims she doesnt want a baby, her body may be telling her otherwise. My wife thought exactly the same thing.

OP - Does she have lots of friends with babies?

ZX10R NIN

27,494 posts

124 months

Friday 29th May 2015
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200bhp said:
CountZero23 said:
200bhp said:
OP - I have to say I've not read all of this thread but to me it is obvious what she wants...... a baby!
This would be hilariously harsh for the OP.

It would cost more than a Lamborghini and picking your kid up from your old house from the ex and her new personal trainer boyfriend would not be as much fun.
I really do think thats what it could be.

A couple of years ago, a colleague was going through a similar thing and sought advice from the girls in the office. All of them who were in the 28-28 age bracket said it was more than likely a baby craving. Even if she claims she doesnt want a baby, her body may be telling her otherwise. My wife thought exactly the same thing.

OP - Does she have lots of friends with babies?
+1 OP as I said earlier she'll be pregnant within a year.

Monkeylegend

26,226 posts

230 months

Friday 29th May 2015
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Wolfer said:
Starting to worry now re my age if I prolong the perhaps inevitable!

Re the her staying with me due to no money/nowhere to go thing, Near the end, it was amicable enough, and we were living together, just in separate rooms, and I told her I would make sure she was fine until she had a new job and settled in somewhere else, and the house was sold. So she could have kept the split as it was knowing she would be ok. I had decided by then, that if she was brave enough to say we needed to split, and she was going on her own, I couldn't, and wouldn't stop her and would help her as much as possible.

I took her out for a day when we were both at loose ends, and that's when she told me she didn't want to split up. I didn't say one way or the other at the time.

Probably heading for a fall.
I will wager that in the not so distance future you will meet somebody else and be the one who ends the relationship. At the moment being back together is better than being on your own. She will be the one to suffer in the long run.



pushthebutton

1,096 posts

181 months

Friday 29th May 2015
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Wolfer said:
All going swimmingly, however, one issue.

She thinks my family hate her...
Don't allow that to become self-fulfilling. The next thing that happens is that you don't attend a family event because your partner feels awkward so you make one tiny concession, just this once. It was only a small event so it didn't really matter but, that quickly turns into "we didn't go because your family doesn't like me" and you could start to become isolated.

If I were you I'd correct that thought process swiftly and decisively. I may have the wrong end of the stick, but it can't harm to correct the misconception straight away.

Good luck.



Edited by pushthebutton on Friday 29th May 09:22

R2T2

4,076 posts

121 months

Friday 29th May 2015
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OP. This might sound harsh but it seems like you're currently the least worst option to her.

If she has been unfaithful, there is a strong chance she will be again, and she now knows that she can get away with it.

If I were you I would ask myself "Could I trust her on a night out surrounded with men and not cheat? "

If you can, great! If not, well; you know where it's destined.

All the best OP.

stuttgartmetal

8,108 posts

215 months

Sunday 31st May 2015
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See them thar hills?


Oh dear oh dear oh dear
The power of the pussy


How can you even have one scintilla of belief in someone who has treated you so badly.

The moment she's pregnant, you are well and truly roped
House and maintenance.

With respect, it's all well and good listening to the "good luck" and " give it another go" and the "it'll work out if it's meant to be " crowd, who to be frank are dreamers.
When FFS, how many guys have been through the experience, and have given you hard advice here?

She's got you wrapped round her little finger buddy, and you love it.
Open up your f cking eyes FFS


Tyre Tread

10,525 posts

215 months

Sunday 31st May 2015
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stuttgartmetal said:
See them thar hills?


Oh dear oh dear oh dear
The power of the pussy


How can you even have one scintilla of belief in someone who has treated you so badly.

The moment she's pregnant, you are well and truly roped
House and maintenance.

With respect, it's all well and good listening to the "good luck" and " give it another go" and the "it'll work out if it's meant to be " crowd, who to be frank are dreamers.
When FFS, how many guys have been through the experience, and have given you hard advice here?

She's got you wrapped round her little finger buddy, and you love it.
Open up your f cking eyes FFS
Harsh!











but honest and accurate!

mikefacel

610 posts

187 months

Monday 1st June 2015
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Wolfer, I wish you all the best in your relationship. Some strong words above, but a lot of merit. I can totally understand where you're coming from though, and that "I tried everything" emotion at least means that should it end you know you gave it your best. Having been in a similar position, I have a recommendation for you, especially as it looks like kids are a possibility.

When I agreed to take my (now ex) wife back I did it on certain conditions, as I'd invested so much into the relationship, and also because we have kids. I said that we would need a post-nuptial agreement and that if she (or indeed I) exhibited certain behaviours (eg. infidelity, heavy drinking), then the other could end the relationship and the terms of the agreement would apply. These included the split of the house (in my favour, as I paid for almost all of it), who the children spent most of their time with (again with me, due to her drinking), how assets would be split, etc. We both had separate lawyers and it was all done as part of relationship mediation and also specified we had to have marriage counselling as well. It wasn't cheap (£8k between us), but fk me it was the best decision I ever made. She went back to her old behaviours and I ended it, and hence I didn't end up as the "skint ex-husband in a bedsit who doesn't see his kids except every other weekend" that so many poor sods do. I now live with the kids in the family home and she pays me child maintenance (she went totally off the rails and barely sees the kids now). It was still hell, but it could have been a lot worse. I strongly recommend something along these lines. You might think it's too much to ask and that she'll say "no, don't you trust me?" - the answer to that is if she isn't willing to do it, then she isn't serious about a reconciliation and staying with you anyway, so if she says no then you know to end it. It worked for me, and YMMV of course. All the best.

ETA: FWIW, there are lots of lovely women out there who aren't mental (plenty of those too), and you deserve a good one!

Edited by mikefacel on Monday 1st June 13:19

Andy Zarse

10,868 posts

246 months

Monday 1st June 2015
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Nobby Diesel said:
Andy Zarse said:
That and stop living in a fool's paradise.

She will have learned many lessons this last year, not least how to use the guile you demonstrated in catching her. Next time, and there will be one, she won't make the same mistakes. And don't come crying here when you're left penniless...
Absolutely nothing to do with the OP's post, but blimey, Andy Zarse.......... There's a name straight out of the Club Arnage yesteryear!
Yes, hullo Nobby, are you going to Le Mans next week?


johnboy1975

8,355 posts

107 months

Tuesday 2nd June 2015
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Wolfer said:
Update for anyone interested.

We ended up back together, both of us happy as pigs in muck.
What was her reasoning behind "not wanting to split up"? Or for splitting up in the first place for that matter. Do you believe that she fell back in love with you weeks after being made redundant? Or do you accept that she can't afford to leave you currently, and are fine with that?

Have babies been mentioned by either of you? Whose in charge on contraception? If you were trying at the point of break up, does that mean no pill etc? Gonna be difficult to "bag up" in those circs...........If she mentioned trying again, what would you say?

stuttgartmetal

8,108 posts

215 months

Sunday 7th June 2015
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EHis brain is currently operating on that level at the moment
He's thinking with his c0ck.
Just like most of us at some point.

Personally, I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the update.

Edited by stuttgartmetal on Sunday 7th June 23:39

*Badger*

530 posts

175 months

Tuesday 7th July 2015
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Last night the Mrs told me that she doesn't love me anymore after being together for 10 years. We'd had our problems but then everyone has. She said she started to feel like this months ago and has tried to work through it, but can no longer be unhappy and live a lie to herself. She never told me months ago that her feelings may be changing so although its not all been a bed of roses I never expected this. Seven weeks ago my Dad died so her timing is fantastic. He'd been terminally ill before then, so now I just think that she's hung around for so long as she felt she had to as my dad was ill/died and then thought now would be OK to say something. I've been at such a low point these last 7 weeks and she has been my rock, little did I know, I feel like such a mug.

She's never been one to be talk and often has a front up to protect herself and I suppose looking back that arguments have got brushed under the carpet rather than properly discussed and resolved. I'm the polar opposite I like to find an answer for things and suppose when I don't get an answer I go looking/thinking for one and often end up tying myself in knots before moving on. I just can't get into my head why she didn't tell me months ago how she felt, I asked her about a holiday we took in March and we had an amazing time, but now to her it was just "OK". She's lied to me for months telling me she loved me etc and things were all OK.

I've also fallen into a bit of a trap, we've always had shared friends and we used to work together, so a lot of people we both know. Also she's always been very close to her family and that obviously brought me very close to them too, her brothers are more family to me than my own is. I was exceptionally close to my Dad but never as much to my Mum or my own brother. I just feel so lost. Not only have I lost her, I've lost a lifestyle and that's before we even get dragged through the hassle of the financial implications.

ali_kat

31,988 posts

220 months

Tuesday 7th July 2015
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Don't give up without a fight.

Ask her to go to Relate with you (it can help)

This could be stress down to dealing with your Dad/you

Edited to add (as I had to do some work!)...

but if she isn't willing to discuss Relate, then there's more than likely someone else. In which case - protect your inheritance from your Dad (if any!)



Edited by ali_kat on Tuesday 7th July 12:28

andy-xr

13,204 posts

203 months

Tuesday 7th July 2015
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It's not fair to blame her on her timings. It's not great, and you're feeling st, but she's probably tried to hold on as long as possible. It doesnt matter what went before really, what matters is right now and how you're going to get through today, tomorrow, the weekend, the rest of the month. Which you will do, it's just you're standing at the foot of Everest, thinking about climbing up it backwards

randlemarcus

13,507 posts

230 months

Tuesday 7th July 2015
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Does she have a sister? Last chance biggrin