Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
Paddy_N_Murphy said:
whilst I am not suspecting foul or avaricious play - if it ain't to be, it ain't to be.
'We' don't work like that.We won't give up 10 years without a fight or at least talking about it, unless there is someone else in the background.
By 'We' I mean a LOT of females, but most* of those that post on PH, as we are a slightly different breed. *this excludes those that appear with "I'm a girl" posts instantly
and to a certain extent that's true of both sexes I think. But more so women probably.Badger,
Sorry for the loss of your Dad.
There's kicking a man whilst he down; and, well what you've just been told.
This may be the cynic in me, but if it's came from nowhere (and you seemed perfectly happy before this) then I would start questioning her faithfulness.
I may be shouted down, and I sincerely hope I'm wrong, but these sort of things don't come from nowhere. They are planned and pre-meditated weeks or even months in advance, and there may be a escape plan in place.
Don't do anything hasty and stay in the house (if it's bought) regardless.
Commiserations Badger.
Sorry for the loss of your Dad.
There's kicking a man whilst he down; and, well what you've just been told.
This may be the cynic in me, but if it's came from nowhere (and you seemed perfectly happy before this) then I would start questioning her faithfulness.
I may be shouted down, and I sincerely hope I'm wrong, but these sort of things don't come from nowhere. They are planned and pre-meditated weeks or even months in advance, and there may be a escape plan in place.
Don't do anything hasty and stay in the house (if it's bought) regardless.
Commiserations Badger.
I asked her if there was someone else on repeated occasions last night and she assures me there isn't. To be honest I think I believe her, but it would make it a little easier to swallow if there was.
She's obviously been thinking about this for some time and had some sort of plan or exit strategy. I've nothing like that, I'm still in shock & disbelief. I do however think she is giving up too easily but maybe that's part of my natural instinct to not let her go. I'd rather she told me months ago and we could have both worked together and then if that didn't work then at least we've given it a go. I can also see, partially, due to timing why that didn't happen.
Its my house, we've lived in it together since we bought it brand new, but every single bill & mortgage is in my name, she does however contribute by transferring me money every month. So now I am reading into beneficial interest. She may take the easy way out and just go, that seems quite likely. However, what I am aware of is she can come back at any time in the future to reclaim money. It maybe easier for me to offer up now to avoid getting burnt later. I paid the deposit and we had an agreement that i'd get that back before anything else, but that was a long time ago and only a verbal agreement so carries no weight.
She's obviously been thinking about this for some time and had some sort of plan or exit strategy. I've nothing like that, I'm still in shock & disbelief. I do however think she is giving up too easily but maybe that's part of my natural instinct to not let her go. I'd rather she told me months ago and we could have both worked together and then if that didn't work then at least we've given it a go. I can also see, partially, due to timing why that didn't happen.
Its my house, we've lived in it together since we bought it brand new, but every single bill & mortgage is in my name, she does however contribute by transferring me money every month. So now I am reading into beneficial interest. She may take the easy way out and just go, that seems quite likely. However, what I am aware of is she can come back at any time in the future to reclaim money. It maybe easier for me to offer up now to avoid getting burnt later. I paid the deposit and we had an agreement that i'd get that back before anything else, but that was a long time ago and only a verbal agreement so carries no weight.
Ali is very close to what I have seen on this.
My ex said that there was no one else. I honestly have no real idea if she was sleeping with the bloke she ended up with after me before or after I was forced into starting a "Do you want to be in this relationship or not?" conversation.
All I know is that he is/was a builder and was a mate at the time. Christ did I get my pound of flesh out of him when doing up the new house I bought and as soon as the work was done his number deleted.
My ex said that there was no one else. I honestly have no real idea if she was sleeping with the bloke she ended up with after me before or after I was forced into starting a "Do you want to be in this relationship or not?" conversation.
All I know is that he is/was a builder and was a mate at the time. Christ did I get my pound of flesh out of him when doing up the new house I bought and as soon as the work was done his number deleted.
*Badger* said:
I asked her if there was someone else on repeated occasions last night and she assures me there isn't. To be honest I think I believe her, but it would make it a little easier to swallow if there was.
She's obviously been thinking about this for some time and had some sort of plan or exit strategy. I've nothing like that, I'm still in shock & disbelief. I do however think she is giving up too easily but maybe that's part of my natural instinct to not let her go. I'd rather she told me months ago and we could have both worked together and then if that didn't work then at least we've given it a go. I can also see, partially, due to timing why that didn't happen.
Its my house, we've lived in it together since we bought it brand new, but every single bill & mortgage is in my name, she does however contribute by transferring me money every month. So now I am reading into beneficial interest. She may take the easy way out and just go, that seems quite likely. However, what I am aware of is she can come back at any time in the future to reclaim money. It maybe easier for me to offer up now to avoid getting burnt later. I paid the deposit and we had an agreement that i'd get that back before anything else, but that was a long time ago and only a verbal agreement so carries no weight.
Very bad luck old chap...She's obviously been thinking about this for some time and had some sort of plan or exit strategy. I've nothing like that, I'm still in shock & disbelief. I do however think she is giving up too easily but maybe that's part of my natural instinct to not let her go. I'd rather she told me months ago and we could have both worked together and then if that didn't work then at least we've given it a go. I can also see, partially, due to timing why that didn't happen.
Its my house, we've lived in it together since we bought it brand new, but every single bill & mortgage is in my name, she does however contribute by transferring me money every month. So now I am reading into beneficial interest. She may take the easy way out and just go, that seems quite likely. However, what I am aware of is she can come back at any time in the future to reclaim money. It maybe easier for me to offer up now to avoid getting burnt later. I paid the deposit and we had an agreement that i'd get that back before anything else, but that was a long time ago and only a verbal agreement so carries no weight.
Whatever you do, after the initial shock, do not blub/cry/show much emotion. Carry on as normal. No woman ever went back to a man who begged at her feet. They only go back to strong and confident men who demonstrate they are happy to get on with life with or without. You know what I mean I'm sure.
Re the financials etc, your best bet at the moment is to say nothing and do absolutely nothing that she can see. You are about to get involved in a monumental chess game, act accordingly. The last thing you want to do is show your hand 9actually, that's poker, but it's the same theory). Behind the scenes you need to be taking such steps as you can to secure your own position.
Good luck.
Edited by Andy Zarse on Tuesday 7th July 14:31
ali_kat said:
Don't give up without a fight.
Nah if someone has made their mind up that its over whats the point trying to change their mind? just throw her in the f
k it bucket, chalk it up to experience and get on with your life. After a while you will wonder why it wasnt you that said you didnt love her. *Badger* said:
I asked her if there was someone else on repeated occasions last night and she assures me there isn't. To be honest I think I believe her, but it would make it a little easier to swallow if there was.
She's obviously been thinking about this for some time and had some sort of plan or exit strategy. I've nothing like that, I'm still in shock & disbelief. I do however think she is giving up too easily but maybe that's part of my natural instinct to not let her go. I'd rather she told me months ago and we could have both worked together and then if that didn't work then at least we've given it a go. I can also see, partially, due to timing why that didn't happen.
Its my house, we've lived in it together since we bought it brand new, but every single bill & mortgage is in my name, she does however contribute by transferring me money every month. So now I am reading into beneficial interest. She may take the easy way out and just go, that seems quite likely. However, what I am aware of is she can come back at any time in the future to reclaim money. It maybe easier for me to offer up now to avoid getting burnt later. I paid the deposit and we had an agreement that i'd get that back before anything else, but that was a long time ago and only a verbal agreement so carries no weight.
Sorry to hear this, it could have been written by me word for word nearly two years ago. As you have said, this is a complete shock to you but she has been planning this for months. I would imagine she checked out of the relationship a long time ago and can now be cold and clinical about this. I know she claims there is nobody else but I find it difficult to believe she would move on without having lined someone else up. The whole "I love you I am just not in love with you" line is often the woman saying she has found someone else but doesn't want people to think it is her fault. You will naturally blame yourself for this and she will be happy to let you think it is your fault. I am sure you are going through your entire relationship in your head right now and thinking of all the things you could have done differently. Trust me this is pointless as nothing you could have done would have made any difference.She's obviously been thinking about this for some time and had some sort of plan or exit strategy. I've nothing like that, I'm still in shock & disbelief. I do however think she is giving up too easily but maybe that's part of my natural instinct to not let her go. I'd rather she told me months ago and we could have both worked together and then if that didn't work then at least we've given it a go. I can also see, partially, due to timing why that didn't happen.
Its my house, we've lived in it together since we bought it brand new, but every single bill & mortgage is in my name, she does however contribute by transferring me money every month. So now I am reading into beneficial interest. She may take the easy way out and just go, that seems quite likely. However, what I am aware of is she can come back at any time in the future to reclaim money. It maybe easier for me to offer up now to avoid getting burnt later. I paid the deposit and we had an agreement that i'd get that back before anything else, but that was a long time ago and only a verbal agreement so carries no weight.
If she is seeing someone else, it will be the most obvious person you can think of. Is there somebody she mentions a lot or is constantly posting on his Facebook? Have you noticed any of the following behavior over the last few months as these are usually dead giveaways that she is seeing someone else.
1)Lack of sex.
2)Loosing weight and taking a lot more care of her appearance.
3)New Clothes.
4)Going out a lot more with friends, especially ones you have never heard of before.
5)Lock on her phone and it never being out of her sight. Being glued to her phone all night and claiming to be on Facebook or messaging friends.
I caught my ex lying about where she was and had months of phone records showing her messaging another man but she still to this day denies anything happened.
Don't bother trying to save this, she has already decided she doesn't want to be with you and you will just demean yourself in trying. You say the house is in your name but you do not mention if you are married? If you are married she will still be legally entitled to half and I find it very hard to believe she will just walk away from it.
I know you don't believe it now but it will get better. For me, the first 6 months were like being in a total fog and it took about 18 months before I got totally back to normal.
I know people think I am bitter and twisted and that not all women are like this, but women do not leave perfectly decent men unless they think there is something better and more exciting out there for them.
Joey Deacon said:
Sorry to hear this, it could have been written by me word for word nearly two years ago. As you have said, this is a complete shock to you but she has been planning this for months. I would imagine she checked out of the relationship a long time ago and can now be cold and clinical about this. I know she claims there is nobody else but I find it difficult to believe she would move on without having lined someone else up. The whole "I love you I am just not in love with you" line is often the woman saying she has found someone else but doesn't want people to think it is her fault. You will naturally blame yourself for this and she will be happy to let you think it is your fault. I am sure you are going through your entire relationship in your head right now and thinking of all the things you could have done differently. Trust me this is pointless as nothing you could have done would have made any difference.
If she is seeing someone else, it will be the most obvious person you can think of. Is there somebody she mentions a lot or is constantly posting on his Facebook? Have you noticed any of the following behavior over the last few months as these are usually dead giveaways that she is seeing someone else.
1)Lack of sex.
2)Loosing weight and taking a lot more care of her appearance.
3)New Clothes.
4)Going out a lot more with friends, especially ones you have never heard of before.
5)Lock on her phone and it never being out of her sight. Being glued to her phone all night and claiming to be on Facebook or messaging friends.
I caught my ex lying about where she was and had months of phone records showing her messaging another man but she still to this day denies anything happened.
Don't bother trying to save this
I agree on the last line I have quoted from you.If she is seeing someone else, it will be the most obvious person you can think of. Is there somebody she mentions a lot or is constantly posting on his Facebook? Have you noticed any of the following behavior over the last few months as these are usually dead giveaways that she is seeing someone else.
1)Lack of sex.
2)Loosing weight and taking a lot more care of her appearance.
3)New Clothes.
4)Going out a lot more with friends, especially ones you have never heard of before.
5)Lock on her phone and it never being out of her sight. Being glued to her phone all night and claiming to be on Facebook or messaging friends.
I caught my ex lying about where she was and had months of phone records showing her messaging another man but she still to this day denies anything happened.
Don't bother trying to save this
And having regard to that, the former part is irrelevant and utterly pointless. Why bother searching out whether she has strayed or not? Best that happens is you find no evidence of it and so are left with a damaged heart from finding no reason as far as you can determine why she no longer loves you. Worst case is you find evidence of infidelity and are left with a damaged heart and trust issues in the future.
Just accept the situation, work on yourself mentally and physically and be optimistic for the future and not wallow in the past. Easier said than done I accept, but try to maintain discipline in steps forwards and not backwards.
Shnozz said:
I agree on the last line I have quoted from you.
And having regard to that, the former part is irrelevant and utterly pointless. Why bother searching out whether she has strayed or not? Best that happens is you find no evidence of it and so are left with a damaged heart from finding no reason as far as you can determine why she no longer loves you. Worst case is you find evidence of infidelity and are left with a damaged heart and trust issues in the future.
Just accept the situation, work on yourself mentally and physically and be optimistic for the future and not wallow in the past. Easier said than done I accept, but try to maintain discipline in steps forwards and not backwards.
^^^^^^^And having regard to that, the former part is irrelevant and utterly pointless. Why bother searching out whether she has strayed or not? Best that happens is you find no evidence of it and so are left with a damaged heart from finding no reason as far as you can determine why she no longer loves you. Worst case is you find evidence of infidelity and are left with a damaged heart and trust issues in the future.
Just accept the situation, work on yourself mentally and physically and be optimistic for the future and not wallow in the past. Easier said than done I accept, but try to maintain discipline in steps forwards and not backwards.
This hits the nail on the head.
I separated from my wife in early February.
The first month was horrendous, but 5 months down the line, it is still tough, but better, if that makes sense.
I actually owe a huge amount of respect to Shnozz.
He wrote some things back after I separated that have made a real difference to me.
My initial reaction was to try and fill the big void that had appeared in my life.
This is so wrong, and Shnozz voiced as much.
I am now doing things that I really enjoy doing.
I'm back out with my camera taking pictures and improving my photography skills (something I had neglected for over 10 years). I'm back out running, and am in better physical shape than I have been in years, and this helps you feel more positive mentally.
Don't get me wrong, there are days that are still a real challenge.
The mind is a very powerful things when it starts to wander.
All I can say is try and stay strong. Try and keep things amicable (it helps loads, especially if you have children involved). The old saying of 'time is a healer' is true, but the journey to that point can be quite horrible at times.
Always happy to chat if anyone is going through this.
craigjm said:
ali_kat said:
Don't give up without a fight.
Nah if someone has made their mind up that its over whats the point trying to change their mind? just throw her in the fk it bucket, chalk it up to experience and get on with your life. After a while you will wonder why it wasnt you that said you didnt love her. IF she is willing to go to Relate, then there's a chance to save it. If she isn't then as I said, women won't give up 10 years without something to go to.
Shnozz said:
Why bother searching out whether she has strayed or not? Best that happens is you find no evidence of it and so are left with a damaged heart from finding no reason as far as you can determine why she no longer loves you. Worst case is you find evidence of infidelity and are left with a damaged heart and trust issues in the future.
Just accept the situation, work on yourself mentally and physically and be optimistic for the future and not wallow in the past. Easier said than done I accept, but try to maintain discipline in steps forwards and not backwards.
Just accept the situation, work on yourself mentally and physically and be optimistic for the future and not wallow in the past. Easier said than done I accept, but try to maintain discipline in steps forwards and not backwards.
This is excellent advice & should be given to every heart broken post/thread on here, for both sexes!
Robw73 said:
Shnozz said:
I agree on the last line I have quoted from you.
And having regard to that, the former part is irrelevant and utterly pointless. Why bother searching out whether she has strayed or not? Best that happens is you find no evidence of it and so are left with a damaged heart from finding no reason as far as you can determine why she no longer loves you. Worst case is you find evidence of infidelity and are left with a damaged heart and trust issues in the future.
Just accept the situation, work on yourself mentally and physically and be optimistic for the future and not wallow in the past. Easier said than done I accept, but try to maintain discipline in steps forwards and not backwards.
^^^^^^^And having regard to that, the former part is irrelevant and utterly pointless. Why bother searching out whether she has strayed or not? Best that happens is you find no evidence of it and so are left with a damaged heart from finding no reason as far as you can determine why she no longer loves you. Worst case is you find evidence of infidelity and are left with a damaged heart and trust issues in the future.
Just accept the situation, work on yourself mentally and physically and be optimistic for the future and not wallow in the past. Easier said than done I accept, but try to maintain discipline in steps forwards and not backwards.
This hits the nail on the head.
I separated from my wife in early February.
The first month was horrendous, but 5 months down the line, it is still tough, but better, if that makes sense.
I actually owe a huge amount of respect to Shnozz.
He wrote some things back after I separated that have made a real difference to me.
My initial reaction was to try and fill the big void that had appeared in my life.
This is so wrong, and Shnozz voiced as much.
I am now doing things that I really enjoy doing.
I'm back out with my camera taking pictures and improving my photography skills (something I had neglected for over 10 years). I'm back out running, and am in better physical shape than I have been in years, and this helps you feel more positive mentally.
Don't get me wrong, there are days that are still a real challenge.
The mind is a very powerful things when it starts to wander.
All I can say is try and stay strong. Try and keep things amicable (it helps loads, especially if you have children involved). The old saying of 'time is a healer' is true, but the journey to that point can be quite horrible at times.
Always happy to chat if anyone is going through this.
Well as for the emotional side your feeling I don’t think Shnozz could have put it much better, Now the financial as long as your unmarried and have no kids, the house is in your name she can’t make a claim against it. Unless she can prove she has made a sizable contribution to the mortgage or paid for an expensive alteration on the house such as an extension, all this common law wife stuff is a load of crap, if she is just paying £300 P/M to you it’s no different to having a lodger.
Edited by MontyC on Wednesday 8th July 14:44
Robw73 said:
^^^^^^^
I actually owe a huge amount of respect to Shnozz.
He wrote some things back after I separated that have made a real difference to me.
Funnily enough I used Shnozz as a shoulder to cry on when I had a nasty break up with an ex girlfriend many years ago.I actually owe a huge amount of respect to Shnozz.
He wrote some things back after I separated that have made a real difference to me.
Although a lawyer I think his talents would be better used as a Relate counsellor
To answer a few points that have been made.
Unmarried, no children.
She paid me £1000 a month via Standing Order into my bank account, which I then added my half and transferred £2000 into a separate 'house account'. She is naturally on the electoral role for the house and all her post is registered to here.
I don't think I need to be thinking about this now, as I don't think it'll help as I know it'll be a struggle financially in the initial stages.
Shes gone back to her mums, she has always been very close to her family and I was too, which makes this situation harder. Her mum text and told me a different reason, suggesting that my own insecurity had caused a divide. Whilst I know where her mums loyalties are she is not one to just say things without meaning. I can kind of accept that as she would often put on a front to protect herself and go into a quiet time where as I am the polar opposite and need to find answers, I suppose not getting an answer time after time would lead you to jump to irrational conclusions and over a longer period could cause problems. From reading up on insecurity I can see some factors which may have become part of my life.
Unmarried, no children.
She paid me £1000 a month via Standing Order into my bank account, which I then added my half and transferred £2000 into a separate 'house account'. She is naturally on the electoral role for the house and all her post is registered to here.
I don't think I need to be thinking about this now, as I don't think it'll help as I know it'll be a struggle financially in the initial stages.
Shes gone back to her mums, she has always been very close to her family and I was too, which makes this situation harder. Her mum text and told me a different reason, suggesting that my own insecurity had caused a divide. Whilst I know where her mums loyalties are she is not one to just say things without meaning. I can kind of accept that as she would often put on a front to protect herself and go into a quiet time where as I am the polar opposite and need to find answers, I suppose not getting an answer time after time would lead you to jump to irrational conclusions and over a longer period could cause problems. From reading up on insecurity I can see some factors which may have become part of my life.
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