Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[*Badger*]

We have a mutual gay friend, and also her bother its gay and its neither of them!

[ShyTallKnight]

Sorry to hear that fella

I recall the feeling all too well finding out - punching the number into my phone and one of my contacts popping up...

[HarryW]

Shnozz said:

Davey S2 said:

Robw73 said:

^^^^^^^

I actually owe a huge amount of respect to Shnozz.
He wrote some things back after I separated that have made a real difference to me.

Funnily enough I used Shnozz as a shoulder to cry on when I had a nasty break up with an ex girlfriend many years ago.

Although a lawyer I think his talents would be better used as a Relate counsellor

And not so much as even a toast to me in your wedding speech.

Fcker.

To be fair, not toasting you at his wedding whilst telling a story about a former GF was problably a good thing.......

[randlemarcus]

OK, add "looking at outgoings on mobile spend" to the big list of things for you to get your teeth into. As others have said, it is what it is, and you need to focus on going forwards. Small silver lining is that you would be wise to avoid the ex-sex without a clear STD result from her, which might clarify things.

[RobinOakapple]

Would any of those unfortunates who have experienced what the OP and several others have done have any advice to offer those who have yet to hear those words? Any preventative measures that might have worked in their case (apart from never meeting/marrying the person in question in the first place ).

[Pommygranite]

*Badger* said:

Well, rightly or wrongly her mobile bill arrived on my email today (As its registered to me due to my staff discounts).

So I opened the PDF, and there have been a few times where she has been repeatedly texting one number.
The first time it occurred was last Thursday when I was working nights, next it was last Saturday when I was fitting facia's with her brother.

So I then looked at usage since last bill on the account, and low and behold she spent the entire night last night texting this number.

Bit of quick detective work and I know who it is, and yes I know him, its someone we both knew. She works with him and I know him due to that.

It could be innocent, its probably not.

Its true what many of you said, its normally someone you know.

Get her phone, put your number over his name, your name over his number and voila - you'll get all those interesting texts.

[mudflaps]

Pommygranite said:

Get her phone, put your number over his name, your name over his number and voila - you'll get all those interesting texts.

Wow! That has the potential to be absolutely catastrophic.

"Loved you eating me out in the car last night - couldn't stop thinking about whilst I cooked old fat face his evening tea xx"

But it's genius and I tip my hat in your direction

[*Badger*]

Plus she has moved out so would be impossible!

[Buster73]

Pommygranite said:

Get her phone, put your number over his name, your name over his number and voila - you'll get all those interesting texts.

You've got a bloody nasty streak in you ...








Now how do you suggest he gets his hands on her phone?

[t400ble]

Get a cheap pay as you go phone

Text him saying 'Hi babes, sorry, new number.'

Enjoy.

[Insidious]

Mums net

[A bit down]

Good grief, yet another one following exactly the same lines - it's like there is a script they follow.

Some interesting comments earlier in the thread about whether to gain evidence of infidelity and what it does to you. At the time for me I really needed to be sure and I got my evidence. However, the combination of that and the sheer number of stories here and in real life about this type of behaviour really has given me trust issues. I'm nearly three years on now and although every other aspect of my life is in good order after a very difficult time (as it will be for Badger), relationship-wise I'm pretty messed up and I don't see it getting much better.

You have my sympathy Badger but you'll get through it. Do your best to remain calm and rational and keep your mind on the long game. Try not to make any decisions or take any action based on emotion - give yourself time and space to consider things and do lean on the people you trust.

Best of luck.

[Impasse]

Yep. That's what they do. It's tragically predictable.

[anonymous-user]

A bit down said:

Good grief, yet another one following exactly the same lines - it's like there is a script they follow.

These type of threads are depressingly common and it sounds like ShyTallKnight, A Bit Down and myself have had exactly the same experiences.

My ex's phone bill was also in my name so I also know that feeling when you see the number constantly appear on the bill and work out who it is. The fact that she used a phone where you can access the bill says to me that she either didn't care if she was caught or she thought you were too stupid to suspect anything. First of all, there is absolutely no point in confronting her about this as she will totally deny it and swear nothing happened and he just understood what she was going through. Her plan is to convince everyone you both just grew apart or it was your fault as you took her for granted and didn't pay her enough attention. The last thing she wants is for everyone to think you split up because she was having an affair.

I know it doesn't seem like it now but you are in a really fortunate position as you didn't marry her or have children with her. She has walked away with nothing and hopefully you will never have to see or talk to her again. My advice to you would be to totally ghost her now and ignore all of her messages unless they are critically important. Unfriend her from Facebook and whatever you do, do not check her Facebook page again. She will be posting pictures of her and her new boyfriend soon and all of her friends will be commenting about how happy she looks. You do not want to be lying in bed awake at 2 in the morning unable to sleep reading this sort of rubbish.

There was nothing you could have done to avoid this so don't beat yourself up thinking "If only I had said this" or "If only I had done that, things would be different". She is currently in the Affair Fog (google that one) and is not thinking rationally at the moment. She is thinking the grass is greener right now and is thinking the excitement she feels right now is just never going to go away and this is what life is all about.

Concentrate on yourself right now and what makes you happy. As I said before, do not underestimate how lucky you are that you are not married to her and that she has just walked away. Remember she is not one in a million, she is one OF a million.

Things will get much better and once you get used to it you may even like the freedom of being single with your own place.

Once again I expect all the "You are just bitter" or "Not all women are like that" comments. Unfortunately I have seen this story repeat itself hundreds of times now so there must be something in it.

[Pommygranite]

Buster73 said:

Pommygranite said:

Get her phone, put your number over his name, your name over his number and voila - you'll get all those interesting texts.

You've got a bloody nasty streak in you ...








Now how do you suggest he gets his hands on her phone?

Firstly it's going to happen where he catches up with her and the opportunity arises.

Secondly the words 'bloody nasty streak' perhaps should be used for wife beating, assaults and desires of inflicting harm. Not for getting texts. Putting your sensationalism aside being in receipt of known wrong doings and information will serve him well - not for any legal or financial battle (as it actually doesn't matter for those) but to enable him to be 100% sure of her misdeeds and ensure he never forgets specifically her actions and 'if' she returns begging for a second chance he'll be well equipped to respond strongly.

[anonymous-user]

Pommygranite said:

Firstly it's going to happen where he catches up with her and the opportunity arises.

Secondly the words 'bloody nasty streak' perhaps should be used for wife beating, assaults and desires of inflicting harm. Not for getting texts. Putting your sensationalism aside being in receipt of known wrong doings and information will serve him well - not for any legal or financial battle (as it actually doesn't matter for those) but to enable him to be 100% sure of her misdeeds and ensure he never forgets specifically her actions and 'if' she returns begging for a second chance he'll be well equipped to respond strongly.

This is a waste of time and energy, you are far better off having nothing to do with her and ignoring all her messages. As for begging for a second chance, these is a possibility this will happen in future. Now that she is free to see him without having to sneak about, the danger element is gone so the excitement will soon wear off. I know nothing about your financial situation, but you mention you own your own house and from the cars in your garage I guess you were able to provide a fairly comfortable life for your girlfriend. She has moved in with her mum, and at the moment she is so excited about her new boyfriend she hasn't thought about the cushy life she has now discarded. I would guess this new guy is in a similar position to you as she would not jump ship unless she thought he had access to at least a similar level of resources to you.

If he doesn't own a house and have money then I suspect that in about a year she will realise the mistake she has made and start making hints that she wants to get back with you. At this point, you have got to understand it is not because she has realised how wonderful you are, the real reason is because she doesn't like living in the real world and you are her plan B,C or D. Do not fall for it unless you are some kind of masochist.

Oh, and never, ever have sex with her again as I will guarantee she will be pregnant very, very soon after and you do not want that! 18 years of child support with that nagging suspicion that it is not your kid and you have been expertly played.

You notice that the original poster of this thread has gone very, very quiet now? I would guess that she was having an affair and was all ready to move on but got made redundant and had second thoughts about leaving as she couldn't afford to lose her meal ticket. He would have got the whole "I made a big mistake talk" and he took her back. She will looking for someone else now and I expect an update very soon about how he caught her cheating again.

Edited by anonymous-user on Friday 10th July 02:51

[9mm]

Pommygranite said:

Buster73 said:

Pommygranite said:

Get her phone, put your number over his name, your name over his number and voila - you'll get all those interesting texts.

You've got a bloody nasty streak in you ...








Now how do you suggest he gets his hands on her phone?

Firstly it's going to happen where he catches up with her and the opportunity arises.

Secondly the words 'bloody nasty streak' perhaps should be used for wife beating, assaults and desires of inflicting harm. Not for getting texts. Putting your sensationalism aside being in receipt of known wrong doings and information will serve him well - not for any legal or financial battle (as it actually doesn't matter for those) but to enable him to be 100% sure of her misdeeds and ensure he never forgets specifically her actions and 'if' she returns begging for a second chance he'll be well equipped to respond strongly.

Exactly so. If you're happy to have your reputation sullied then just accept it's over. Over time you'll learn how "you forced her into it" and you will be transformed into the bad guy. Allowing her to get away with this will distort discussions she has with her advisors. She'll start believing her own script and that will embolden her to make unreasonable demands.

Making sure you know and other people know what she has been up to will introduce more balance into the equation. It will never be totally her fault in the eyes of her friends and family (although there can be exceptions) but at least you won't be painted in the worst possible light.

She won't want to admit her infidelity to her family so matey boy will be described as a good friend. He'll 'become' her bf when the dust has settled. I'd be interested in finding out if he's involved with anyone and if his partner is relaxed about his 'friendship'.

I experienced a situation where this game was played and had to force a situation where I could speak to the in laws and put them straight. I went from being the bad guy who had forced their perfect daughter into a corner to someone they understood had been wronged. There was no more hostility and all unreasonable demands were quickly dropped. But you need cold, hard evidence.

[GloverMart]

Joey Deacon said:

A bit down said:

Good grief, yet another one following exactly the same lines - it's like there is a script they follow.

These type of threads are depressingly common and it sounds like ShyTallKnight, A Bit Down and myself have had exactly the same experiences.

My ex's phone bill was also in my name so I also know that feeling when you see the number constantly appear on the bill and work out who it is. The fact that she used a phone where you can access the bill says to me that she either didn't care if she was caught or she thought you were too stupid to suspect anything. First of all, there is absolutely no point in confronting her about this as she will totally deny it and swear nothing happened and he just understood what she was going through. Her plan is to convince everyone you both just grew apart or it was your fault as you took her for granted and didn't pay her enough attention. The last thing she wants is for everyone to think you split up because she was having an affair.

I know it doesn't seem like it now but you are in a really fortunate position as you didn't marry her or have children with her. She has walked away with nothing and hopefully you will never have to see or talk to her again. My advice to you would be to totally ghost her now and ignore all of her messages unless they are critically important. Unfriend her from Facebook and whatever you do, do not check her Facebook page again. She will be posting pictures of her and her new boyfriend soon and all of her friends will be commenting about how happy she looks. You do not want to be lying in bed awake at 2 in the morning unable to sleep reading this sort of rubbish.

There was nothing you could have done to avoid this so don't beat yourself up thinking "If only I had said this" or "If only I had done that, things would be different". She is currently in the Affair Fog (google that one) and is not thinking rationally at the moment. She is thinking the grass is greener right now and is thinking the excitement she feels right now is just never going to go away and this is what life is all about.

Concentrate on yourself right now and what makes you happy. As I said before, do not underestimate how lucky you are that you are not married to her and that she has just walked away. Remember she is not one in a million, she is one OF a million.

Things will get much better and once you get used to it you may even like the freedom of being single with your own place.

Once again I expect all the "You are just bitter" or "Not all women are like that" comments. Unfortunately I have seen this story repeat itself hundreds of times now so there must be something in it.

Not for the first time, JD hits the nail squarely on the head.

[andy-xr]

9mm said:

Exactly so. If you're happy to have your reputation sullied then just accept it's over. Over time you'll learn how "you forced her into it" and you will be transformed into the bad guy. Allowing her to get away with this will distort discussions she has with her advisors. She'll start believing her own script and that will embolden her to make unreasonable demands.

Making sure you know and other people know what she has been up to will introduce more balance into the equation. It will never be totally her fault in the eyes of her friends and family (although there can be exceptions) but at least you won't be painted in the worst possible light.

She won't want to admit her infidelity to her family so matey boy will be described as a good friend. He'll 'become' her bf when the dust has settled. I'd be interested in finding out if he's involved with anyone and if his partner is relaxed about his 'friendship'.

I experienced a situation where this game was played and had to force a situation where I could speak to the in laws and put them straight. I went from being the bad guy who had forced their perfect daughter into a corner to someone they understood had been wronged. There was no more hostility and all unreasonable demands were quickly dropped. But you need cold, hard evidence.

But really, none of it matters. The guys Mrs dumped him, she may have already had someone on the side, but waited til the death and grieving was about done and made her move.

Catching her out, waving paper and phone bills and 'evidence' doesnt change anything, it's not going to make a difference and it's still over and families and friends are going to think whatever they're going to think. I say that from first hand experience, a girl I was seeing and madly in love with decided half way through a holiday with her mates that she didnt want to be with me anymore, and it later came out she'd already been with someone else. Her email was linked to my PC, and when he sent her a photo of the two of them, I saw it. She never found out that I'd seen it, because...what good would it have done? I could have shouted, screamed, put it on Facebook, emailed it to her Gran...would any of it have made a difference?

Right now the badger is probably beating himself up on what possible conversation broke the camels back, what action could be undone, and the truth is, it went how it went. If they get back together, and some people do, then that's how it goes. It's not quite that simplistic, but taking a wide view without all the micro conversations, that's the bare bones of it.

The g/f has gone to her Mums, which is a good sign. At least they dont still have to share a house because neither of them can move anywhere.

I've been the other guy, the one who someone leaves someone for. It's not a nice position, there's a bit of looking over shoulders to be done for a few months after the break, but the way it went, the girl wasnt happy with him on a number of levels, and those problems didnt seem to come up in our relationship, which has flourished. She made a mistake and tried hard to make it work, when it was looking down the barrel of spending the rest of her life with that guy, decided that she didnt/couldnt do that, so went somewhere else instead. It wasnt a nice thing to do to him, but it wasnt fair to her to have to stick by someone out of pity and have no enjoyment or do the things she wanted to do. I would have done the same thing

You might say things such as 'leopards never change their spots' and 'once a cheater always a cheater' or 'they're all snakes with tits' but really, the whole relationship thing is all a bit of a gamble. You're hoping that things work out, and so's the other person. You put time and effort in to making things work. But if you try to command and control the way someone should act, think, do, behave... the more someone else backs away from it.

I believe deep down everyone wants to be happy in their life, and if that life isnt right for them, why should they stay in it for the sake of someone else. What do they get out of it? The more you ruminate over what someone else has done (that you have little to no control over) the less you spend sorting life out and getting to where you want and need to be.

You see it on here a lot. People havent moved on because they still feel that they've been wronged so badly that they cant move past it. That somehow, previous actions are something that they shouldnt have had to deal with, and they've been massively fked over. It smacks a lot of not being able to accept that people do things that they dont find acceptable behaviour, they change their minds, and the realisation hasnt hit them that they cant, couldnt, shouldnt and will never change it for them

Edited by andy-xr on Friday 10th July 08:48

[Andy Zarse]

olly22n said:

GloverMart said:

Joey Deacon said:

A bit down said:

Good grief, yet another one following exactly the same lines - it's like there is a script they follow.

She has walked away with nothing and hopefully you will never have to see or talk to her again. My advice to you would be to totally ghost her now and ignore all of her messages unless they are critically important. Unfriend her from Facebook and whatever you do, do not check her Facebook page again. She will be posting pictures of her and her new boyfriend soon and all of her friends will be commenting about how happy she looks. You do not want to be lying in bed awake at 2 in the morning unable to sleep reading this sort of rubbish.

Not for the first time, JD hits the nail squarely on the head.

Indeed. Wise words.

Yes, and the wise paragraph of the lot is this one^

For your own sanity you should have nothing further to do with her beyond any necessary administrative matters. The fact that your rejection of her very being will drive her bonkers is completely subsidiary.