Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[BrabusMog]

Whilst I'm not denying that lots of you have has these horrible experiences, it is grossly unfair to claim that all women are capable of this. I would suggest the thing in common is that these women were capable of it and that all of you married incompatible women and it was an inevitable outcome. And for clarification, my first serious girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue but now that I can look back on it, I can see it was because we weren't right for each other and she wasn't going to settle for it - luckily we did it after a couple of years and before we were married, we were just living together.

[grumbledoak]

BrabusMog said:

Whilst I'm not denying that lots of you have has these horrible experiences, it is grossly unfair to claim that all women are capable of this. I would suggest the thing in common is that these women were capable of it and that all of you married incompatible women and it was an inevitable outcome. And for clarification, my first serious girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue but now that I can look back on it, I can see it was because we weren't right for each other and she wasn't going to settle for it - luckily we did it after a couple of years and before we were married, we were just living together.

Maybe you are right. Or maybe you were lucky. No way of knowing.

This was eye-opening for me:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Manipulated-Man-Esther...

far too late.

[BrabusMog]

grumbledoak said:

BrabusMog said:

Whilst I'm not denying that lots of you have has these horrible experiences, it is grossly unfair to claim that all women are capable of this. I would suggest the thing in common is that these women were capable of it and that all of you married incompatible women and it was an inevitable outcome. And for clarification, my first serious girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue but now that I can look back on it, I can see it was because we weren't right for each other and she wasn't going to settle for it - luckily we did it after a couple of years and before we were married, we were just living together.

Maybe you are right. Or maybe you were lucky. No way of knowing.

This was eye-opening for me:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Manipulated-Man-Esther...

far too late.

You're right, there is no way of knowing, hence my comment that it's grossly unfair to label every bird in the same way.

[northwest monkey]

Oldandslow said:

stewies_minion said:

Start the financial cutting off discussions ASAP. Nothing like the feeling of her taking money out of the joint account to buy "Dave" drinks.

Don't buy "Dave" a damn thing until you're sure he's not been banging her behind your back.

It was just the once & she was upset - I'm sorry.

[Monkeylegend]

BrabusMog said:

Whilst I'm not denying that lots of you have has these horrible experiences, it is grossly unfair to claim that all women are capable of this. I would suggest the thing in common is that these women were capable of it and that all of you married incompatible women and it was an inevitable outcome. And for clarification, my first serious girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue but now that I can look back on it, I can see it was because we weren't right for each other and she wasn't going to settle for it - luckily we did it after a couple of years and before we were married, we were just living together.

And for everyone one of these women who have an affair, there is a man involved who is most likely has a partner / wife, who is left in the same situation as OP and others.

[Pommygranite]

Monkeylegend said:

BrabusMog said:

Whilst I'm not denying that lots of you have has these horrible experiences, it is grossly unfair to claim that all women are capable of this. I would suggest the thing in common is that these women were capable of it and that all of you married incompatible women and it was an inevitable outcome. And for clarification, my first serious girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue but now that I can look back on it, I can see it was because we weren't right for each other and she wasn't going to settle for it - luckily we did it after a couple of years and before we were married, we were just living together.

And for everyone one of these women who have an affair, there is a man involved who is most likely has a partner / wife, who is left in the same situation as OP and others.

Strangely I see this happen (happened to me) where the other guy was single and just opportunisitic so I wouldn't presume that.

[*Badger*]

A thanks to everyone but in particular - andy-xr, Joey Deacon & Shnozz. Wise words.

What I will add is that my current thought is, if there is someone else, he may not be the ultimate cause, the thought was probably in her head already and him flexing his muscles just heightened her desire to break up. It gave her the easy way out, someone to speak to before/during/after. The sense of "oh st i'm now i'm on my own" removed. Nothing may be happening. I know for a fact they are communicating but that's all I know, its all I may ever know.

What I do also know is, in my head, the longer she goes without communicating with me even on the practical issues of her stuff the less likely I am to see a resolution or even an answer to my questions. Also, the longer she leaves it the less I actually want a resolution, as getting back together after a few days is one thing but if she's out trying the new life and hoping to come back to me after a longer time then I am not a big enough fool for that. There's be so many questions to answer and being the closed, protected person she is, there'd be answers I'd never get.

Just a little history, she used to (and I got this from her mother) but an open book and wear her heart on her sleeve, as I do to a certain extent. But an ex of hers was a total tool (not me) and she felt she had to protect herself and that shield has never been lowered nor dropped in over 10 years.

I'm at the acceptance stage I feel now, it wasn't all a bed of roses, not to say we didn't have good times of course, but we had our issues, communications and/or lack of seems to be the main one.

[Studio117]

Question:

Do those who have been cheated on, not notice at all? Head buried in the sand? Relationship of convenience?

[boyse7en]

Studio117 said:

Question:

Do those who have been cheated on, not notice at all? Head buried in the sand? Relationship of convenience?

Don't know and don't care.

I love my missus, and if she is seeing someone else, then that is part of what her the person she is.
If she stopped seeing the someone else, she would no longer be getting whatever it is that she feels is lacking in her life (sex, someone to talk to, ballroom dancing, religious experience, whatever it might be) and would be unhappier in her life, which may have a negative effect on our relationship.

I'm happy not knowing, and make no attempt to find out. No asking where she has been, checking her phone or anything.

It's a bit hard to explain, but it makes sense to me.

[DannyScene]

boyse7en said:

Don't know and don't care.

I love my missus, and if she is seeing someone else, then that is part of what her the person she is.
If she stopped seeing the someone else, she would no longer be getting whatever it is that she feels is lacking in her life (sex, someone to talk to, ballroom dancing, religious experience, whatever it might be) and would be unhappier in her life, which may have a negative effect on our relationship.

I'm happy not knowing, and make no attempt to find out. No asking where she has been, checking her phone or anything.

It's a bit hard to explain, but it makes sense to me.

If you found out she was seeing someone else would you still think 'oh well that is part of who she is and if she feels I'm lacking in that department at least she's getting hers from someone and it makes our relationship oh so positive'

[Pommygranite]

boyse7en said:

Studio117 said:

Question:

Do those who have been cheated on, not notice at all? Head buried in the sand? Relationship of convenience?

Don't know and don't care.

I love my missus, and if she is seeing someone else, then that is part of what her the person she is.
If she stopped seeing the someone else, she would no longer be getting whatever it is that she feels is lacking in her life (sex, someone to talk to, ballroom dancing, religious experience, whatever it might be) and would be unhappier in her life, which may have a negative effect on our relationship.

I'm happy not knowing, and make no attempt to find out. No asking where she has been, checking her phone or anything.

It's a bit hard to explain, but it makes sense to me.

Sorry, not trying to be an arse but thats incredibly sad that you would feel this way.

Is it it a question of not having enough self respect to be ok to be treated this way?

[Muzzer79]

boyse7en said:

Studio117 said:

Question:

Do those who have been cheated on, not notice at all? Head buried in the sand? Relationship of convenience?

Don't know and don't care.

I love my missus, and if she is seeing someone else, then that is part of what her the person she is.
If she stopped seeing the someone else, she would no longer be getting whatever it is that she feels is lacking in her life (sex, someone to talk to, ballroom dancing, religious experience, whatever it might be) and would be unhappier in her life, which may have a negative effect on our relationship.

I'm happy not knowing, and make no attempt to find out. No asking where she has been, checking her phone or anything.

It's a bit hard to explain, but it makes sense to me.

This just reads like you would accept your Mrs cheating on you in case she was unhappy?

[Rude-boy]

Pommygranite said:

Strangely I see this happen (happened to me) where the other guy was single and just opportunisitic so I wouldn't presume that.

Interestingly I have been on both sides of this coin as the "is she/isn't she having an affair behind my back" and as 'the other man'.

In the first case I doubt I will ever know the truth of it and when their relationship started to become more than just friends - was it before I started the conversation that brought tour relationship to an end or was it after that? Honestly I really don't care, never really did (although I was happy to use the 'mutual friend's' guilt to get a load of work done on the new house I had bought when they didn't realise that I knew it was them jumping on my ex...).

In the second case my ex and I were selling our house and I was starting to get back into the dating game. I happened to start talking to this lady and we hit it off immediately. We were talking about her relationship with her husband of a considerable number of years and what she was telling me was very out of line with what I considered an equal and loving relationship to be. I wasn't looking to start one with her but I was very clear in my opinion that she needed out of her current marriage - something that was toxic for both of them. I will always remember my words "Right now I have no idea if we would work out together but if the only thing that comes out of this is you getting out of that marriage I'd take that."

10 years later she and I are still together and he has apparently remarried and divorced. Everyone who knew her before I met her is of one voice - she is an even nicer person than before we met and a much happier one to. As for me, I would not change a thing, only perhaps have met her 10 or 15 years earlier.

[Rude-boy]

Muzzer79 said:

This just reads like you would accept your Mrs cheating on you in case she was unhappy?

Reads to me as "What the eye does not see the heart does not grieve over."

Lot of merit in that, if that is your make up.

[andy-xr]

Studio117 said:

Question:

Do those who have been cheated on, not notice at all? Head buried in the sand? Relationship of convenience?

I think your question is 'you've been cheated on, are you bothered'?

And I think the answer for most people is yes, definitely bothered because the natural reaction is embarassment, anger at having had a smack in the chops if you didnt see it coming, but there's a grief and mourning over what you thought would be you for life, the realisation that it's not for life at all.

I'm not really sure I understand what you're getting at with the question though, is it loss of trust?

Edited by andy-xr on Friday 10th July 14:37

[*Badger*]

andy-xr said:

I think your question is 'you've been cheated on, are you bothered'?

And I think the answer for most people is yes, definitely bothered because the natural reaction is embarassment, anger at having had a smack in the chops if you didnt see it coming, but there's a grief and mourning over what you thought would be you for life, the realisation that it's not for life at all.

I'm not really sure I understand what you're getting at with the question though

+1

Its the thought of thinking you've spent X years with somebody and thought you knew them and it makes you question everything about not only the relationship but also yourself.

[Impasse]

Studio117 said:

Question:

Do those who have been cheated on, not notice at all? Head buried in the sand? Relationship of convenience?

No. Not until she told me she was planning on leaving as she dropped me off at the pub to celebrate a mate's birthday. Thirteen years of what I thought were happy times gone in an instant. It also meant the immediate loss of an entire family-in-law along with a lovely way of life.
She denied there being anyone else, of course. But thereafter was overly protective of a phone which bleeped with more frequency and subsequently went on holiday with the guy the day after moving into her rented flat. He seems like a nice person, abandoning his wife and three children (one was just a baby) to start a relationship with the teacher of his eldest. Can't think why she had to leave that school and look for a teaching post elsewhere.

Was she just acting while with me? Was she ever happy? No idea, but at the time I always presumed we'd get old and grey together while planning to spoil the grandkids.
Her actions have coloured my outlook of relationships to the point that I am totally disillusioned with the concept and will always pour scorn on those entering into marriage. Which is a shame because I make a damn fine boyfriend/partner/husband. But there's no way I'm up for risking such a clusterfk again despite being quite lonely.

[andy-xr]

Impasse said:

No. Not until she told me she was planning on leaving as she dropped me off at the pub to celebrate a mate's birthday. Thirteen years of what I thought were happy times gone in an instant. It also meant the immediate loss of an entire family-in-law along with a lovely way of life.
She denied there being anyone else, of course. But thereafter was overly protective of a phone which bleeped with more frequency and subsequently went on holiday with the guy the day after moving into her rented flat. He seems like a nice person, abandoning his wife and three children (one was just a baby) to start a relationship with the teacher of his eldest. Can't think why she had to leave that school and look for a teaching post elsewhere.

Was she just acting while with me? Was she ever happy? No idea, but at the time I always presumed we'd get old and grey together while planning to spoil the grandkids.
Her actions have coloured my outlook of relationships to the point that I am totally disillusioned with the concept and will always pour scorn on those entering into marriage. Which is a shame because I make a damn fine boyfriend/partner/husband. But there's no way I'm up for risking such a clusterfk again despite being quite lonely.

You know, it's a shame you feel such bitterness, it's stopping you opening up to anyone, and making you cold, over entitled and a bit nasty.

It's said that it usually takes a month for every year of being together to get over it, sometimes more, sometimes less. But the important thing is letting go and moving on, because in the main, the party that 'wronged you' moved on a lot lot quicker and your anger and resentment doesnt affect them, only you.

[Studio117]

andy-xr said:

Studio117 said:

Question:

Do those who have been cheated on, not notice at all? Head buried in the sand? Relationship of convenience?

I think your question is 'you've been cheated on, are you bothered'?

And I think the answer for most people is yes, definitely bothered because the natural reaction is embarassment, anger at having had a smack in the chops if you didnt see it coming, but there's a grief and mourning over what you thought would be you for life, the realisation that it's not for life at all.

I'm not really sure I understand what you're getting at with the question though, is it loss of trust?

Edited by andy-xr on Friday 10th July 14:37

No.

I mean in retrospect how did you not notice? The signs of cheating/relationship breakdown/no sex/etc are quite obvious.

[Impasse]

andy-xr said:

You know, it's a shame you feel such bitterness, it's stopping you opening up to anyone, and making you cold.

It's said that it usually takes a month for every year of being together to get over it, sometimes more, sometimes less. But the important thing is letting go and moving on, because in the main, the party that 'wronged you' moved on a lot lot quicker and your anger and resentment doesnt affect them, only you.

Bitterness. I can't stand that word - mainly because it's entirely inaccurate and is often used as some sort of dismissive put down or as if there should be some element of seething resentment.
I don't feel bitter. I feel saddened. I feel loss. I feel numbness. But I don't feel bitter.