Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
PurplePenguin said:
Change is good, right?
Not sure how much has changed to be honest. Break up rates for long term relationships are probably much the same now as a few decades back. Divorce rates have fallen back a bit, but that is because less people are getting married and typically after living together for some time.Most relationships continue to be ended by the woman, in one form or another, and that has been the same for decades as well. Interestingly enough this extends to same sex civil partnerships with twice as many same sex partnerships breaking up for women as with men.
After telling me he doesn't love me anymore on the Friday before Christmas, we spent a few days apart and he texted me on Xmas morning to tell me he wanted to try and fix things. I came home on Boxing Day and we spoke but his issues with me didn't seem to have much substance to them, it felt like there was something bigger to be said which he couldn't or wouldn't share. I don't think he's met someone else, I think that's too easy a conclusion to jump to, but I think sometimes couples do drift apart and become different over time.
Perhaps that's what happened with us, but he felt it more strongly than I have and felt something needed to change and unfortunately he bottled it up and let it overflow without forethought or consideration. And now he thinks he might have made a mistake, but still isn't sure and just wants time to think it through. But in doing so is leaving me in a limbo of waiting as he still won't say he loves me, only that he wants to "fix" it.
I've spent the last week or so reaching out to friends who are more "mine" than "ours" and building a support network of sorts.
I'm sharing this screencap both for reassurance here that I'm doing the right thing, and for others going through this to take a moment to breathe and consider their next steps.
Perhaps that's what happened with us, but he felt it more strongly than I have and felt something needed to change and unfortunately he bottled it up and let it overflow without forethought or consideration. And now he thinks he might have made a mistake, but still isn't sure and just wants time to think it through. But in doing so is leaving me in a limbo of waiting as he still won't say he loves me, only that he wants to "fix" it.
I've spent the last week or so reaching out to friends who are more "mine" than "ours" and building a support network of sorts.
I'm sharing this screencap both for reassurance here that I'm doing the right thing, and for others going through this to take a moment to breathe and consider their next steps.
romeogolf said:
After telling me he doesn't love me anymore on the Friday before Christmas, we spent a few days apart and he texted me on Xmas morning to tell me he wanted to try and fix things. I came home on Boxing Day and we spoke but his issues with me didn't seem to have much substance to them, it felt like there was something bigger to be said which he couldn't or wouldn't share. I don't think he's met someone else, I think that's too easy a conclusion to jump to, but I think sometimes couples do drift apart and become different over time.
Perhaps that's what happened with us, but he felt it more strongly than I have and felt something needed to change and unfortunately he bottled it up and let it overflow without forethought or consideration. And now he thinks he might have made a mistake, but still isn't sure and just wants time to think it through. But in doing so is leaving me in a limbo of waiting as he still won't say he loves me, only that he wants to "fix" it.
I've spent the last week or so reaching out to friends who are more "mine" than "ours" and building a support network of sorts.
I'm sharing this screencap both for reassurance here that I'm doing the right thing, and for others going through this to take a moment to breathe and consider their next steps.
Sorry if it sounds callous, I'm clumsy and also an accountant, but could it not just be that he's gone and worked the figures and realised that on his own he's going to have a significantly lower standard of living and therefore is happy enough to keep the ship sailing. Perhaps that's what happened with us, but he felt it more strongly than I have and felt something needed to change and unfortunately he bottled it up and let it overflow without forethought or consideration. And now he thinks he might have made a mistake, but still isn't sure and just wants time to think it through. But in doing so is leaving me in a limbo of waiting as he still won't say he loves me, only that he wants to "fix" it.
I've spent the last week or so reaching out to friends who are more "mine" than "ours" and building a support network of sorts.
I'm sharing this screencap both for reassurance here that I'm doing the right thing, and for others going through this to take a moment to breathe and consider their next steps.
Gigamoons said:
This is a good place to vent and get opinions.
If any text messages I send to someone were clipped and posted onto the internet without me agreeing to it, I'd be pretty gutted
It's a conversation I'm having with a friend, not with the partner, and said friend is fine with it.If any text messages I send to someone were clipped and posted onto the internet without me agreeing to it, I'd be pretty gutted
romeogolf said:
Gigamoons said:
This is a good place to vent and get opinions.
If any text messages I send to someone were clipped and posted onto the internet without me agreeing to it, I'd be pretty gutted
It's a conversation I'm having with a friend, not with the partner, and said friend is fine with it.If any text messages I send to someone were clipped and posted onto the internet without me agreeing to it, I'd be pretty gutted
romeogolf said:
After telling me he doesn't love me anymore on the Friday before Christmas, we spent a few days apart and he texted me on Xmas morning to tell me he wanted to try and fix things. I came home on Boxing Day and we spoke but his issues with me didn't seem to have much substance to them, it felt like there was something bigger to be said which he couldn't or wouldn't share. I don't think he's met someone else, I think that's too easy a conclusion to jump to, but I think sometimes couples do drift apart and become different over time.
Perhaps that's what happened with us, but he felt it more strongly than I have and felt something needed to change and unfortunately he bottled it up and let it overflow without forethought or consideration. And now he thinks he might have made a mistake, but still isn't sure and just wants time to think it through. But in doing so is leaving me in a limbo of waiting as he still won't say he loves me, only that he wants to "fix" it.
I've spent the last week or so reaching out to friends who are more "mine" than "ours" and building a support network of sorts.
I'm sharing this screencap both for reassurance here that I'm doing the right thing, and for others going through this to take a moment to breathe and consider their next steps.
Sounds like it has some similarities with my situation, my partner did what she did through a reluctance/inability to communicate her feelings to me when she first started becoming unhappy, it sounds like yours has done the same. Just the act of keeping things bottled up and being unhappy for too long is enough to drain the love out of a relationship, in my case enough for her to cheat but hopefully in yours it hasn't got that far yet? Don't have any real advice to give other than I hope you get through it whatever happens, and apologies for posting my problems at the same time as you did, it probably wasn't what you wanted to read about every time you logged on, so sorry.Perhaps that's what happened with us, but he felt it more strongly than I have and felt something needed to change and unfortunately he bottled it up and let it overflow without forethought or consideration. And now he thinks he might have made a mistake, but still isn't sure and just wants time to think it through. But in doing so is leaving me in a limbo of waiting as he still won't say he loves me, only that he wants to "fix" it.
I've spent the last week or so reaching out to friends who are more "mine" than "ours" and building a support network of sorts.
I'm sharing this screencap both for reassurance here that I'm doing the right thing, and for others going through this to take a moment to breathe and consider their next steps.
Darkslider said:
Joint tenants, and her salary was factored in yes as she was working full time when we bought the house, but shortly after she went back to uni and has been doing one shift a week in her job for the last 3 years whilst studying.
I'll be ridiculed for this but I think she's realised what a huge mistake she's made, and I think her remorse at how much she's hurt me is genuine enough to keep her promise when it comes to this.
So for the last three years she has been working one shift a week and living off your coin? No wonder she is remorseful, she has realised she is going to be made homeless and have no body to sponge off anymore?I'll be ridiculed for this but I think she's realised what a huge mistake she's made, and I think her remorse at how much she's hurt me is genuine enough to keep her promise when it comes to this.
I am assuming the ex boyfriend isn't prepared to take her on full time, he just enjoyed the excitement of the illicit sex?
If you take her back you are a fool, just keep thinking back to the evidence you found on the phone. She didn't give a second thought to you when she was sending him those selfies and meeting him for sex.
romeogolf said:
After telling me he doesn't love me anymore on the Friday before Christmas, we spent a few days apart and he texted me on Xmas morning to tell me he wanted to try and fix things. I came home on Boxing Day and we spoke but his issues with me didn't seem to have much substance to them, it felt like there was something bigger to be said which he couldn't or wouldn't share. I don't think he's met someone else, I think that's too easy a conclusion to jump to, but I think sometimes couples do drift apart and become different over time.
Sounds a bit like what happened to me. Wife said wanted to fix things, but was unable/unwilling to clarify the real issue - that being she was having an affair.Unfortunately, generally, there is always someone else involved.
It may not be the case here, but even so, my guess would be that if you were to try again, the relationship would fail a few months down the line based on the weak explanations he's currently giving you.
If there isn't someone else, then it is possible he's just struggling with the idea of being alone at the moment.
Whatever, you have my sympathy.
Lincsls1 said:
Sounds a bit like what happened to me. Wife said wanted to fix things, but was unable/unwilling to clarify the real issue - that being she was having an affair.
Unfortunately, generally, there is always someone else involved.
If they are giving you a list of reasons that sound weak, or made up, chances are they are not yet ready to tell you about the new person they have met. Unfortunately, generally, there is always someone else involved.
Lincsls1 said:
romeogolf said:
After telling me he doesn't love me anymore on the Friday before Christmas, we spent a few days apart and he texted me on Xmas morning to tell me he wanted to try and fix things. I came home on Boxing Day and we spoke but his issues with me didn't seem to have much substance to them, it felt like there was something bigger to be said which he couldn't or wouldn't share. I don't think he's met someone else, I think that's too easy a conclusion to jump to, but I think sometimes couples do drift apart and become different over time.
Sounds a bit like what happened to me. Wife said wanted to fix things, but was unable/unwilling to clarify the real issue - that being she was having an affair.Unfortunately, generally, there is always someone else involved.
It may not be the case here, but even so, my guess would be that if you were to try again, the relationship would fail a few months down the line based on the weak explanations he's currently giving you.
If there isn't someone else, then it is possible he's just struggling with the idea of being alone at the moment.
Whatever, you have my sympathy.
There doesn't have to be someone else
Couples do fall in and out of love in long term relationships - show me any couple that claim never to have got to the brink in a 10 + year relationship and I'll show you either two liars or one liar and one delusional
Couples do come back from the brink and have better relationships for it - but it takes real work
Couples therapy and counselling could really help here - not least because someone other than you needs to pose your husband/partner the $64k question "If you don't love him now, could you love him again?"
Keeping your practical bases covered is not callous; it is sensible and I commend your level-headedness in what must be a maelstrom of emotion
If you have an essentially mutual friendship network, there is much to speak in favour of keeping things very amicable and not sharing any perspectives on your relationship issues with your friends. It's hard but it pays real divdends in the long run
To the point above, vent your frustrations, anxieties and irritations to family, to professional therapists & counsellors or here - keep it away from your social circle
Bon chance mon brave - these things do work themselves out and there is resolution for you - whatever form that resolution takes
Joey Deacon said:
Darkslider said:
Joint tenants, and her salary was factored in yes as she was working full time when we bought the house, but shortly after she went back to uni and has been doing one shift a week in her job for the last 3 years whilst studying.
I'll be ridiculed for this but I think she's realised what a huge mistake she's made, and I think her remorse at how much she's hurt me is genuine enough to keep her promise when it comes to this.
So for the last three years she has been working one shift a week and living off your coin? No wonder she is remorseful, she has realised she is going to be made homeless and have no body to sponge off anymore?I'll be ridiculed for this but I think she's realised what a huge mistake she's made, and I think her remorse at how much she's hurt me is genuine enough to keep her promise when it comes to this.
I am assuming the ex boyfriend isn't prepared to take her on full time, he just enjoyed the excitement of the illicit sex?
If you take her back you are a fool, just keep thinking back to the evidence you found on the phone. She didn't give a second thought to you when she was sending him those selfies and meeting him for sex.
Despite her remorse which I'll say again I think is genuine, I still can't take her back after what's happened.
romeogolf said:
After telling me he doesn't love me anymore on the Friday before Christmas, we spent a few days apart and he texted me on Xmas morning to tell me he wanted to try and fix things. I came home on Boxing Day and we spoke but his issues with me didn't seem to have much substance to them, it felt like there was something bigger to be said which he couldn't or wouldn't share. I don't think he's met someone else, I think that's too easy a conclusion to jump to, but I think sometimes couples do drift apart and become different over time.
it sounds as if the whole thing is on his terms; even after dicking you around with the latest 'not sure what i want' scenario. if he cannot come up with some definitive issues that you can see as valid then its going to be hard to carry on. What you are doing in terms of getting your own things in some semblance of order is perfectly acceptable whilst still trying to figure out if the relationship has legs or not. You didn't start this and have to consider every potential outcome.
westberks said:
romeogolf said:
After telling me he doesn't love me anymore on the Friday before Christmas, we spent a few days apart and he texted me on Xmas morning to tell me he wanted to try and fix things. I came home on Boxing Day and we spoke but his issues with me didn't seem to have much substance to them, it felt like there was something bigger to be said which he couldn't or wouldn't share. I don't think he's met someone else, I think that's too easy a conclusion to jump to, but I think sometimes couples do drift apart and become different over time.
it sounds as if the whole thing is on his terms; even after dicking you around with the latest 'not sure what i want' scenario. if he cannot come up with some definitive issues that you can see as valid then its going to be hard to carry on. What you are doing in terms of getting your own things in some semblance of order is perfectly acceptable whilst still trying to figure out if the relationship has legs or not. You didn't start this and have to consider every potential outcome.
romeogolf said:
After telling me he doesn't love me anymore on the Friday before Christmas, we spent a few days apart and he texted me on Xmas morning to tell me he wanted to try and fix things. I came home on Boxing Day and we spoke but his issues with me didn't seem to have much substance to them, it felt like there was something bigger to be said which he couldn't or wouldn't share. I don't think he's met someone else, I think that's too easy a conclusion to jump to, but I think sometimes couples do drift apart and become different over time.
Perhaps that's what happened with us, but he felt it more strongly than I have and felt something needed to change and unfortunately he bottled it up and let it overflow without forethought or consideration. And now he thinks he might have made a mistake, but still isn't sure and just wants time to think it through. But in doing so is leaving me in a limbo of waiting as he still won't say he loves me, only that he wants to "fix" it.
I've spent the last week or so reaching out to friends who are more "mine" than "ours" and building a support network of sorts.
I'm sharing this screencap both for reassurance here that I'm doing the right thing, and for others going through this to take a moment to breathe and consider their next steps.
I'm not quite sure I follow the text exchange. From the last text it appears that you were already planning to leave prior to him making his announcement. Did I read that right, or am I being dim and misunderstnding it?Perhaps that's what happened with us, but he felt it more strongly than I have and felt something needed to change and unfortunately he bottled it up and let it overflow without forethought or consideration. And now he thinks he might have made a mistake, but still isn't sure and just wants time to think it through. But in doing so is leaving me in a limbo of waiting as he still won't say he loves me, only that he wants to "fix" it.
I've spent the last week or so reaching out to friends who are more "mine" than "ours" and building a support network of sorts.
I'm sharing this screencap both for reassurance here that I'm doing the right thing, and for others going through this to take a moment to breathe and consider their next steps.
QJumper said:
I'm not quite sure I follow the text exchange. From the last text it appears that you were already planning to leave prior to him making his announcement. Did I read that right, or am I being dim and misunderstnding it?
My mate was saying "It's not like..." and then reversed the roles, reminding me that it's not he who thought it was going fine and then I decided to leave, and thus it's sensible for me to want to protect myself now that he's making me unsure.romeogolf said:
After telling me he doesn't love me anymore on the Friday before Christmas, we spent a few days apart and he texted me on Xmas morning to tell me he wanted to try and fix things. I came home on Boxing Day and we spoke but his issues with me didn't seem to have much substance to them, it felt like there was something bigger to be said which he couldn't or wouldn't share. I don't think he's met someone else, I think that's too easy a conclusion to jump to, but I think sometimes couples do drift apart and become different over time.
Perhaps that's what happened with us, but he felt it more strongly than I have and felt something needed to change and unfortunately he bottled it up and let it overflow without forethought or consideration. And now he thinks he might have made a mistake, but still isn't sure and just wants time to think it through. But in doing so is leaving me in a limbo of waiting as he still won't say he loves me, only that he wants to "fix" it.
I've spent the last week or so reaching out to friends who are more "mine" than "ours" and building a support network of sorts.
I'm sharing this screencap both for reassurance here that I'm doing the right thing, and for others going through this to take a moment to breathe and consider their next steps.
Don't want to upset anyone but..................Perhaps that's what happened with us, but he felt it more strongly than I have and felt something needed to change and unfortunately he bottled it up and let it overflow without forethought or consideration. And now he thinks he might have made a mistake, but still isn't sure and just wants time to think it through. But in doing so is leaving me in a limbo of waiting as he still won't say he loves me, only that he wants to "fix" it.
I've spent the last week or so reaching out to friends who are more "mine" than "ours" and building a support network of sorts.
I'm sharing this screencap both for reassurance here that I'm doing the right thing, and for others going through this to take a moment to breathe and consider their next steps.
The problem now is that you can / are/ may fall into the trap of allowing your happiness to be dependant on the actions of another.
It may well work itself out this time but please don't allow your own happiness to be dependent on him again in the future.
If you get what I mean.
Darkslider said:
She's had an NHS bursary and help from her mum whilst in uni so she has been paying into the joint account something like 40% and I've been making up the other 60%, so while I've been supporting her a little it's not been excessive.
Despite her remorse which I'll say again I think is genuine, I still can't take her back after what's happened.
You need to do something about the joint account as I assume there's nothing to stop her (or you) emptying it?Despite her remorse which I'll say again I think is genuine, I still can't take her back after what's happened.
Divide it up 50:50 and split any direct debits between you accordingly?
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