Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[singlecoil]

I already knew I was a very lucky guy, but until I read this thread and the "What does the OH do etc" thread, didn't appreciate just how lucky.

[9mm]

Ari said:

Joey Deacon said:

I am probably in a similar situation to you, I walked out of the house with my laptop, passport and my clothes in a bin liner. Everything I have ever worked for is tied up in the house. I am also still paying the mortgage while her boyfriend stays there (apparently he isn't living there, only stays over a few nights a week...)

Luckily, like you I moved in to my parents spare bedroom and they have really looked after me. I feel sorry for men in the same situation as us who do not have family to rely on. I can only imagine how terrible it must be to move out of the family home and then have to move into a bedsit or shared house.

So at the age of 40 I have basically had to start again.

Another one giving a house away. Why? Half of it is yours surely?

There are many reasons why it happens but it's a common situation, especially when there are kids around. The 'atmosphere' is bad for the kids, she's still doing the bulk of the caring for them and it's easier for the man to move out. Unfortunately, this can mean he'll never get back in.

You may also find that the person who 'doesn't love you anymore' is not so depressed and distressed that they have been unable to do a great deal of careful planning in the run up to the announcement. That planning usually involves you moving out and your welfare beyond that point is low on their list of priorities - beyond platitudes such as "you'll find someone else".

I rather screwed the plans up because my response to the announcement was to ask her to collect her things together and get out immediately. It quickly became clear that some sort of fantasy existed where I would move out and lover boy would move in. So, five minutes after her announcement, she was outside the front door without her keys. Harsh, but not as harsh as what was planned for me had I gone along with her scheme.

That wouldn't have been possible if we had kids but I would advise anyone on the wrong end of the announcement to at least stay put or move her/him out if at all possible. As for 'half the house' and all that malarkey, you can either play by the rules - which s/he clearly hasn't done - and get shafted, or you can play hardball. Everyone has to make their own choice in that respect. I was quite prepared to go to prison rather than be shafted but I appreciate many people would just go down the legal, 50:50 (or 10:90%!) route.

OP needs to look at this in phases. 1. is can the relationship be saved. If 1. = no then he can start working on 2. which is about the fairest (which may or may not align with the law) way to disengage.

Edited by 9mm on Monday 24th November 09:13

[Pommygranite]

Great point above about depression and being able to plan 'the exit'. I categorically understand for those suffering from it its a horrible illness.

However... I think it is oft overused to seek sympathy and some people are simply unhappy with their life.

OP - treat this whole thing like a business partnership separation - without emotion - your ex deserves no more emotional satisfaction than you so don't sacrifice your own successful resolution to this to increase hers.

A few years from now you'll be out, shell be gone and you'll need and want all that you might give up now in order to make it easier for her and her 'depression'.

[Fidgits]

Wolfer said:

Thanks again, I think!
Been a strange day, been in the house together (neither of us have anywhere to go really) watching Columbo, on the buses and the Waltons.

Spoke about going to docs (in case it's depression) but mainly spoke about selling house and everything in it. She doesn't want that just yet, I'm not going to push it.

We had / have a long weekend booked off, think I may pop to Wales or similar and do some lone hiking.

Feel strong one minute, a mess the next.

But thanks,

Cheers

Oh yes, thats the worst. When my fiancee left me, because she had to work her notice period (and was moving back to her parents a fair distance away) we ended up carrying on living together after the bombshell, and it does feel very very strange, like nothing has changed..

You do need to figure out seperate living conditions as soon as possible, for your own sanity

[Foliage]

Loudy McFatass said:

Wolfer said:

Anyone had this?
Before you say, no pics, no-one else involved, just came out the blue tonight.

20 years, from 16 years old, no kids, live and work together, not one problem in 20 years, one slip-up a few years back when she had depression, but thats it.

Says she still cares for me, doesn't want me to move out, but sat here now (pissed) wondering "wtf"

Reckon this is it chaps?

Leave.

Kick her out.

[andy-xr]

Wolfer said:

Thanks again, I think!
Been a strange day, been in the house together (neither of us have anywhere to go really) watching Columbo, on the buses and the Waltons.

Spoke about going to docs (in case it's depression) but mainly spoke about selling house and everything in it. She doesn't want that just yet, I'm not going to push it.

We had / have a long weekend booked off, think I may pop to Wales or similar and do some lone hiking.

Feel strong one minute, a mess the next.

But thanks,

Cheers

IF you try to take control of things, like selling the house and working out cash it will deepen the divide between you. Those things can be worked out later, right now it sounds like it's feelings time, not logistics time.

Give it some thought, definitely, but no need to play that card just yet

Also, you'll not be able to control or 'fix' things yourself, you're along for the ride but you're not the driver

[Ari]

julian64 said:

Ari said:

Joey Deacon said:

I am probably in a similar situation to you, I walked out of the house with my laptop, passport and my clothes in a bin liner. Everything I have ever worked for is tied up in the house. I am also still paying the mortgage while her boyfriend stays there (apparently he isn't living there, only stays over a few nights a week...)

Luckily, like you I moved in to my parents spare bedroom and they have really looked after me. I feel sorry for men in the same situation as us who do not have family to rely on. I can only imagine how terrible it must be to move out of the family home and then have to move into a bedsit or shared house.

So at the age of 40 I have basically had to start again.

Another one giving a house away. Why? Half of it is yours surely?

House isn't yours the minute you decide to have children.

Only true on Pistonheads (along with the mythical ability to 'hide your money' - not seen much of that on this thread, very disappointing).

Having just been through exactly this with a good mate who was married for 20 years and has two kids to a woman who, absolutely no doubt, would have taken him for every penny if she could (we're talking about a woman who tried to fake physical abuse and then reported it to the police in a bid to have him thrown our of their house), I can tell you that all the advice given was that these days courts look much more favourably on the father rather than the old fashioned view of woman gets everything.

Clearly she had the same advice also as he stayed in the house (as advised to) despite it being made very difficult and eventually walked away with 50% of the equity once it was sold. There is no doubt she would have fought for more if she thought there was any chance of getting it.

I cannot understand men that give up and walk away with nothing to live back at mum and dads aged 40+ so that the ex can continue to live in luxury in the marital home, often with the new bloke.

[Ari]

9mm said:

There are many reasons why it happens but it's a common situation, especially when there are kids around. The 'atmosphere' is bad for the kids, she's still doing the bulk of the caring for them and it's easier for the man to move out. Unfortunately, this can mean he'll never get back in.

You may also find that the person who 'doesn't love you anymore' is not so depressed and distressed that they have been unable to do a great deal of careful planning in the run up to the announcement. That planning usually involves you moving out and your welfare beyond that point is low on their list of priorities - beyond platitudes such as "you'll find someone else".

I rather screwed the plans up because my response to the announcement was to ask her to collect her things together and get out immediately. It quickly became clear that some sort of fantasy existed where I would move out and lover boy would move in. So, five minutes after her announcement, she was outside the front door without her keys. Harsh, but not as harsh as what was planned for me had I gone along with her scheme.

That wouldn't have been possible if we had kids but I would advise anyone on the wrong end of the announcement to at least stay put or move her/him out if at all possible. As for 'half the house' and all that malarkey, you can either play by the rules - which s/he clearly hasn't done - and get shafted, or you can play hardball. Everyone has to make their own choice in that respect. I was quite prepared to go to prison rather than be shafted but I appreciate many people would just go down the legal, 50:50 (or 10:90%!) route.

OP needs to look at this in phases. 1. is can the relationship be saved. If 1. = no then he can start working on 2. which is about the fairest (which may or may not align with the law) way to disengage.

The bit about staying put seems to be key (my friend was constantly advised this).

[Ari]

Pferdestarke said:

Wolfer said:

Thanks again, I think!
Been a strange day, been in the house together (neither of us have anywhere to go really) watching Columbo, on the buses and the Waltons.

Spoke about going to docs (in case it's depression) but mainly spoke about selling house and everything in it. She doesn't want that just yet, I'm not going to push it.

We had / have a long weekend booked off, think I may pop to Wales or similar and do some lone hiking.

Feel strong one minute, a mess the next.

But thanks,

Cheers

You're now beginning to worry us.

Call her bluff and say you're speaking to an estate agent.

It's your life to run, not hers!

Absolutely this!

'I don't love you, I'm leaving you'

'Ok, well we'd better get the house sold'

'No, I don't want that'

'Ok that's fine, just keep me posted while I sit around and wait for you to decide everything'

Really!?

Seriously, as has been said, there are two courses of action here. She doesn't love you and she wants to split. OK, so either you BOTH work on the relationship (if there is anything to salvage), or you BOTH work on getting things divided up as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Option 'neither' isn't (or at least shouldn't) be on the table.

[pete a]

Loudy McFatass said:

"She doesn't want that yet"

Wtf? Don't let her call the shots ffs! Forget what she wants. She's broke your heart out the blue, she deserves nothing.

Forge ahead with the selling of everything and rid her from your life.

Wow, you need a cuddle...

[Origin Unknown]

Sorry to read this OP.

Had this one with my first wife. Returned from a business trip to be met with "I'm not sure if I'm in love with you anymore".

She was married to her colleague who she went away with, within 3 months of our decree absolute being issued.

Edited by Origin Unknown on Monday 24th November 12:29

[RRLover]

Your not alone OP.
I was 14 years with my ex, came home from holiday & her daughter had destroyed the house i sweated blood & tears over. I had enough, then was told she didnt want to be with me anymore. I left 3 weeks later with my passport, clothes & my av equipment. She took everything else, i couldnt be bothered fighting with her. 9 months later someone else moved in to my house.
I'm still angry about it but i've moved on, got a baby due with my new partner in 6 weeks & we've just completed on our dream house. Life could be worse.
Its tough for the first few months but you get past it just dont hit the bottle

[Ari]

RRLover said:

Your not alone OP.
I was 14 years with my ex, came home from holiday & her daughter had destroyed the house i sweated blood & tears over. I had enough, then was told she didnt want to be with me anymore. I left 3 weeks later with my passport, clothes & my av equipment. She took everything else, i couldnt be bothered fighting with her. 9 months later someone else moved in to my house.
I'm still angry about it but i've moved on, got a baby due with my new partner in 6 weeks & we've just completed on our dream house. Life could be worse.
Its tough for the first few months but you get past it just dont hit the bottle

You guys must be earning huge amounts that you can just shrug and walk away from what I guess must be tens of thousands if not hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I know I know, I should have worked harder at school then I could have been a multi million earning powerfully built company director shedding houses left right and centre.

[Ari]

Origin Unknown said:

Sorry to read this OP.

Had this one with my first wife. Returned from a business trip to be met with "I'm not sure if I'm in love with you anymore".

She was married to her colleague who she went away with, within 3 months of our decree absolute being issued.

Isn't it astonishing just how often women who leave despite there being no one else involved suddenly 'find' someone else almost immediately?

My friend I referred to earlier, there was definitely no one else when his wife left him. Then about 30 seconds after leaving she was with someone from work (an older guy who had a lot more money and could give her the lifestyle she felt she deserved, but that's probably just a happy coincidence).

[Rude-boy]

Shelsleyf2 said:

Re trying to find evidence of "someone else" don't bother it will not help at all..

One of the most sensible things I have seen on this thread so far.

I still to this day have no idea if my ex was playing hide the sausage with another chap before I started to notice cracks appearing, nor if she was when she wasn't interested in sex anymore, nor if it happened after I made it clear I thought it was over, or even if she waited until after we had moved out of the joint home.

Actually I really don't care. I know that I didn't look for anything else until after we had the final "Well looks like we'd best split" and that is what matters the most to me. I can look myself in the eye and say I did walked the straight line. I have no idea if she can, but, as they say, I got 99 problems but that isn't one!

[Rude-boy]

Ari said:

You guys must be earning huge amounts that you can just shrug and walk away from what I guess must be tens of thousands if not hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I know I know, I should have worked harder at school then I could have been a multi million earning powerfully built company director shedding houses left right and centre.

When my ex and I split I was looking at the future for both of us. We were together 6 years and there were a few things that were 'both' items but once we had looked at what we both needed it was fairly simple. We walked away with what we went in with and the rest was split fairly equally. I believe that if I bother to sit down and work it all out she was likely 'up' by about £5k-£6k. To but that into perspective that was more than she was earing a year and less than 10 months of extra disposable income I would have per year not having to pay anything to support her and her children...

[RRLover]

Ari said:

You guys must be earning huge amounts that you can just shrug and walk away from what I guess must be tens of thousands if not hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I know I know, I should have worked harder at school then I could have been a multi million earning powerfully built company director shedding houses left right and centre.

In hindsight i should have fought my corner but we live & learn.
I'm only a slighty built penny earning director

[PAUL500]

Joey Deacon said:

RobinBanks said:

I'm glad that that worked out for you. Very sincerely I'm happy to read a post like this.

I am probably in a similar situation to you, I walked out of the house with my laptop, passport and my clothes in a bin liner. Everything I have ever worked for is tied up in the house. I am also still paying the mortgage while her boyfriend stays there (apparently he isn't living there, only stays over a few nights a week...)

Luckily, like you I moved in to my parents spare bedroom and they have really looked after me. I feel sorry for men in the same situation as us who do not have family to rely on. I can only imagine how terrible it must be to move out of the family home and then have to move into a bedsit or shared house.

So at the age of 40 I have basically had to start again. I am not bothered about any of the possessions in the house, that is only stuff and it is actually quite liberating not having to worry about it. My main concern is having all my money tied up in that house and the fact that my name is on the mortgage. This means it is very difficult for me to buy another property when I want to.

But aside from that I don't have to put up with the mental and her lying and that is worth any price.

Just wish I could go back 10 years and not marry her, my life would have been much better.

Amen to that, I was so lucky my mum could put me up, put everything into the house, judge awarded me just 28% as she quit her job just before the hearing and said she could not get a mortgage and used my kids against me.

[boxst]

So hopefully you have learnt from this thread to check out the depression as she may genuinely be suffering and do not under any circumstances leave the marital home as gaining access should things turn nasty may prove difficult.

[anonymous-user]

PAUL500 said:

Amen to that, I was so lucky my mum could put me up, put everything into the house, judge awarded me just 28% as she quit her job just before the hearing and said she could not get a mortgage and used my kids against me.

This is exactly what will happen to me. She doesn't earn very much so even if we sold the house and split the equity 50/50 there is no way she could get another mortgage. My best hope is to get her to agree to stay in the house until the kids are 18 and then split it 50/50. She has already told me that friends of hers have already suggested she would be better off not working at all.

She is a very manipulative and lying person so would do anything to get what she wants. Only thing that goes against her is that our fixed mortgage rate ends in August next year so we may not be able to afford it anyway. No idea what happens in that situation.

My parents have offered to buy her out cash but she is having none of it.

Seems the woman's fantasy of moving the husband out and the boyfriend in is a common one.

My only real hope is that once the divorce is final my parents can give me a deposit to buy my own place. I am actually very pleased I never really bothered with a pension as she would be entitled to that too.