Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
Whattodonow said:
I had this happen to me last year.
Short version-
She told me she wasn't in love with me any more, I thought my job and working away was one of the main reasons for this so ended up taking voluntary redundancy and moving back to her home town.
Spent about 9 months looking for work, found another job which she hated.
Made an appointment with Relate for marriage counselling, started to make progress, she needed space and time to figure out what she wanted from life.
Skip forwards 3 months and in a moment of madness, i look at her phone one morning, turns out at the same time as we had started counselling, she had started an affair with a random guy from an adult dating site. I confronted her over it and over the course of the next few days and weeks, we actually became much closer and realised that we did still want it to work.
2 months on and our 10 year marriage is the best it has been in years but trust is going to take a long time to return.
Looking back, if she hadn't had the affair, i think our marriage would probably have ended!!
(Posted from a second username to protect what little dignity I still have, sorry mods ??)
Good for you; the "dump her now brigade" seem to me to fail to accept that we are all fallible and also incapable of remorse or forgiveness, all of which are probably swirling around in the relationship between you and your wife right now. I wish you good luck and hope it all turns out well, whoever your "real" PH identity is.Short version-
She told me she wasn't in love with me any more, I thought my job and working away was one of the main reasons for this so ended up taking voluntary redundancy and moving back to her home town.
Spent about 9 months looking for work, found another job which she hated.
Made an appointment with Relate for marriage counselling, started to make progress, she needed space and time to figure out what she wanted from life.
Skip forwards 3 months and in a moment of madness, i look at her phone one morning, turns out at the same time as we had started counselling, she had started an affair with a random guy from an adult dating site. I confronted her over it and over the course of the next few days and weeks, we actually became much closer and realised that we did still want it to work.
2 months on and our 10 year marriage is the best it has been in years but trust is going to take a long time to return.
Looking back, if she hadn't had the affair, i think our marriage would probably have ended!!
(Posted from a second username to protect what little dignity I still have, sorry mods ??)
I am sure you will be watchful for a possibly long time but I hope the two of you can make it work so that you are both happy; if you both really love each other I'm sure you will
And to the SWT brigade who will condemn me as a romantic fool f
k off 
theboss said:
xjay1337 said:
Whattodonow said:
snip
Ffs. Dump her. Cheating on you while councilling. Where is your self respect. She probably just feels very guilty.
t' posts but to commence an affair whilst whattodonow has made significant sacrifices and sought to genuinely try to repair the relationship is reprehensible and a dire reflection of her capability to inflict damage... I do sincerely hope it works out, but good luck to him!Now, im nobodys doormat and wont be walked over, but equally, im not willing to walk away from 10 years of marriage and 2 sons over this.
Whattodonow said:
Whilst ending the marriage would have been the easiest thing to do, what has gone on has made us both realise that we both need to work together to be happy.
Now, im nobodys doormat and wont be walked over, but equally, im not willing to walk away from 10 years of marriage and 2 sons over this.
Fair play to you and the very best of luck. I think it takes some real strength of character to make that conscious decision knowing what you know. Of course there will always be that elephant in the room but if you're both committed to saving the relationship then who are anyone else to say otherwise. If there had only been the one instance of indiscretion with my now ex wife I'd have done exactly the same. Sadly there wasn't.Now, im nobodys doormat and wont be walked over, but equally, im not willing to walk away from 10 years of marriage and 2 sons over this.
ShyTallKnight said:
Whattodonow said:
Whilst ending the marriage would have been the easiest thing to do, what has gone on has made us both realise that we both need to work together to be happy.
Now, im nobodys doormat and wont be walked over, but equally, im not willing to walk away from 10 years of marriage and 2 sons over this.
Fair play to you and the very best of luck. I think it takes some real strength of character to make that conscious decision knowing what you know. Of course there will always be that elephant in the room but if you're both committed to saving the relationship then who are anyone else to say otherwise. If there had only been the one instance of indiscretion with my now ex wife I'd have done exactly the same. Sadly there wasn't.Now, im nobodys doormat and wont be walked over, but equally, im not willing to walk away from 10 years of marriage and 2 sons over this.
I hope for your sake she doesn't get bored again and goes on these sites for a bit of "harmless" entertainment or just starts flirting on Facebook with a guy she went to school with.
Andy Zarse said:
Whattodonow said:
Now, im nobodys doormat...
I think you'll find you already are. As someone said earlier, where is your self-respect? She was on an adult site FFS. Dear god...How can you possibly sustain any respect for her given it was a random on a dating site and yourself for effectively condoning it by tolerating it.
I think your strong tones about not being prepared to throw it away are self reassuring but ultimately she's taken you for an absolute fool.
Sorry mate not trying to start an Internet fight but have no idea why you'd want to support someone who treated your marriage as over
Andy Zarse said:
I think you'll find you already are. As someone said earlier, where is your self-respect? She was on an adult site FFS. Dear god...
I think he is doing the tough brave thing, running away is easy - so if he can make it work good luck to him. I don't think I would be able to stay but I admire those that can recover rather than vilify themAdam B said:
Andy Zarse said:
I think you'll find you already are. As someone said earlier, where is your self-respect? She was on an adult site FFS. Dear god...
I think he is doing the tough brave thing, running away is easy - so if he can make it work good luck to him. I don't think I would be able to stay but I admire those that can recover rather than vilify themHarder to leave and re-set your life up and handle a separation.
Few people go through this then don't they!
For all those that have, is this normal? - My stuff has moved to storage ready for house sale, we have both agreed, many months ago it's over, and we're fine with that, however I generally only sleep around 2-4 hours per night now. Works suffering a bit. Feel guilty that I wasted 20 years of her life (and mine)and feel bad as she is going to have to waste a lot of money from the sale of the house to get rented accommodation and pay bills as her lone wages will only just cover bills. Not even sure what I'm going to do yet, but being a bloke, can crash down anywhere.
For all those that have, is this normal? - My stuff has moved to storage ready for house sale, we have both agreed, many months ago it's over, and we're fine with that, however I generally only sleep around 2-4 hours per night now. Works suffering a bit. Feel guilty that I wasted 20 years of her life (and mine)and feel bad as she is going to have to waste a lot of money from the sale of the house to get rented accommodation and pay bills as her lone wages will only just cover bills. Not even sure what I'm going to do yet, but being a bloke, can crash down anywhere.
Pommygranite said:
Andy Zarse said:
Whattodonow said:
Now, im nobodys doormat...
I think you'll find you already are. As someone said earlier, where is your self-respect? She was on an adult site FFS. Dear god...How can you possibly sustain any respect for her given it was a random on a dating site and yourself for effectively condoning it by tolerating it.
I think your strong tones about not being prepared to throw it away are self reassuring but ultimately she's taken you for an absolute fool.
Sorry mate not trying to start an Internet fight but have no idea why you'd want to support someone who treated your marriage as over
RobinOakapple said:
Pommygranite said:
Andy Zarse said:
Whattodonow said:
Now, im nobodys doormat...
I think you'll find you already are. As someone said earlier, where is your self-respect? She was on an adult site FFS. Dear god...How can you possibly sustain any respect for her given it was a random on a dating site and yourself for effectively condoning it by tolerating it.
I think your strong tones about not being prepared to throw it away are self reassuring but ultimately she's taken you for an absolute fool.
Sorry mate not trying to start an Internet fight but have no idea why you'd want to support someone who treated your marriage as over
Very subtle and very funny!
RobinOakapple said:
Worth remembering that he doesn't only have himself to think of in this. If he wants to be a full time father, which I gather he does, then staying together is the only way that is going to happen. What he really needs to do is to bring some balance to the situation, ideally with a close female relative of hers.
This I can relate to - its one thing splitting with a partner but smashing a family unit and dealing with the immediate aftermath is daunting. I stayed put because I couldn't bear the thought of going through with this.TheChampers said above that people are infallible - I agree with this insofar as a simple 'indiscretion' is concerned. What I experienced first hand, and can't forgive, is being treated absolutely appallingly when she was having her 'grass is greener' moment and I was left in the dark anxiously speculating and begging her for transparency and the opportunity to talk about whatever had gone wrong. If she'd acted ordinarily towards me whilst wickedly having her fun on the side, I might not have even known, but she didn't - I was demonised at every available opportunity, often in front of my children. When eventually I was able to prove and confront she crumbled. As as been said here a thousand times - not sorry, but sorry to be caught.
So whilst I accept people are infallible when it comes to sexual opportunism, I don't believe we're all susceptible to treating beloved partners with utter contempt - that takes a certain type of
.Edited by theboss on Tuesday 2nd February 10:58
Just to put a few things into context, for a few years prior to all of this, our marriage had not been "great"
I had been difficult to live with, taken her for granted, not helped out at home, etc We led quite seperate lifes. When i left my previous job, i slipped into a dark dark hole and couldn't see any way to drag myself out of it.
What i was unaware of, was how miserable she was too. Her whole existence was taken up by helping other people at work (she works with alzimers sufferers), caring for her ill mother/grandparents as well as doing everything at home while i wallowed in self pity.
While i dont condone what she did, i can completely understand now that she was in need of some form of comfort and appreciation for herself. (Support which SHOULD have come from me)
The counselling services offered by relate have been an absolute revelation to me and have had such a positive impact on my life, and made me understand how poisonous an environment we were both contributing to.
She claims to not think of what was going on as being an "affair", as there were no feelings involved, more of a frindship/release/vent that went too far.
I honestly believe she is truely sorry for what she has done, not just that she got caught.
I had been difficult to live with, taken her for granted, not helped out at home, etc We led quite seperate lifes. When i left my previous job, i slipped into a dark dark hole and couldn't see any way to drag myself out of it.
What i was unaware of, was how miserable she was too. Her whole existence was taken up by helping other people at work (she works with alzimers sufferers), caring for her ill mother/grandparents as well as doing everything at home while i wallowed in self pity.
While i dont condone what she did, i can completely understand now that she was in need of some form of comfort and appreciation for herself. (Support which SHOULD have come from me)
The counselling services offered by relate have been an absolute revelation to me and have had such a positive impact on my life, and made me understand how poisonous an environment we were both contributing to.
She claims to not think of what was going on as being an "affair", as there were no feelings involved, more of a frindship/release/vent that went too far.
I honestly believe she is truely sorry for what she has done, not just that she got caught.
Whattodonow.
If she was looking on those websites she was willing to throw the marriage down the khazi.
Her opinion may have changed, but I doubt that it will remain that way. She now knows that with a little sucking up, a few tears and an apology you won't go anywhere, and she will use that to her benefit.
It may not happen for years, but if/when she gets bored, she will look elsewhere, and end up having an affair with another bloke, and she'll think she can get away with it.
You may not be treated like a doormat normally, but you've opened yourself up to be treated like one in the future.
What used to be a good friend got with some bird, got her pregnant, had commitment doubts about her, and found out she was fccking someone else behind her back. She gave all the tears and that stuff and he took her back.
He's just found out she's been doing it again. Read of that what you will, but the same sort of thing may well happen to you.
Personally, if she thought about it enough to sign up for the site, she's already willing to fck someone else, at that point, there's no return for me.
If she was looking on those websites she was willing to throw the marriage down the khazi.
Her opinion may have changed, but I doubt that it will remain that way. She now knows that with a little sucking up, a few tears and an apology you won't go anywhere, and she will use that to her benefit.
It may not happen for years, but if/when she gets bored, she will look elsewhere, and end up having an affair with another bloke, and she'll think she can get away with it.
You may not be treated like a doormat normally, but you've opened yourself up to be treated like one in the future.
What used to be a good friend got with some bird, got her pregnant, had commitment doubts about her, and found out she was fccking someone else behind her back. She gave all the tears and that stuff and he took her back.
He's just found out she's been doing it again. Read of that what you will, but the same sort of thing may well happen to you.
Personally, if she thought about it enough to sign up for the site, she's already willing to fck someone else, at that point, there's no return for me.
Blanchimont said:
Whattodonow.
If she was looking on those websites she was willing to throw the marriage down the khazi.
Her opinion may have changed, but I doubt that it will remain that way. She now knows that with a little sucking up, a few tears and an apology you won't go anywhere, and she will use that to her benefit.
It may not happen for years, but if/when she gets bored, she will look elsewhere, and end up having an affair with another bloke, and she'll think she can get away with it.
You may not be treated like a doormat normally, but you've opened yourself up to be treated like one in the future.
What used to be a good friend got with some bird, got her pregnant, had commitment doubts about her, and found out she was fccking someone else behind her back. She gave all the tears and that stuff and he took her back.
He's just found out she's been doing it again. Read of that what you will, but the same sort of thing may well happen to you.
Personally, if she thought about it enough to sign up for the site, she's already willing to fck someone else, at that point, there's no return for me.
Well, at this point of my life, that is a chance I'm willing to take.If she was looking on those websites she was willing to throw the marriage down the khazi.
Her opinion may have changed, but I doubt that it will remain that way. She now knows that with a little sucking up, a few tears and an apology you won't go anywhere, and she will use that to her benefit.
It may not happen for years, but if/when she gets bored, she will look elsewhere, and end up having an affair with another bloke, and she'll think she can get away with it.
You may not be treated like a doormat normally, but you've opened yourself up to be treated like one in the future.
What used to be a good friend got with some bird, got her pregnant, had commitment doubts about her, and found out she was fccking someone else behind her back. She gave all the tears and that stuff and he took her back.
He's just found out she's been doing it again. Read of that what you will, but the same sort of thing may well happen to you.
Personally, if she thought about it enough to sign up for the site, she's already willing to fck someone else, at that point, there's no return for me.
I have the funds and resources to leave and start again, but That is not what i want from life.
At the point i found out, the affair had already run its course and ended, our marriage was improving day by day as we both actually started to put some effort and commitment into working at it.
I know of a few friends who have been through similar situations, some got through it, others didn't.
I'd like to think that now we are both aware of our flaws and issues, we can work through them together, and now be able to catch any slide in our relationship before it ever again reaches the depths that it did.
Whattodonow said:
Just to put a few things into context, for a few years prior to all of this, our marriage had not been "great"
I had been difficult to live with, taken her for granted, not helped out at home, etc We led quite seperate lifes. When i left my previous job, i slipped into a dark dark hole and couldn't see any way to drag myself out of it.
What i was unaware of, was how miserable she was too. Her whole existence was taken up by helping other people at work (she works with alzimers sufferers), caring for her ill mother/grandparents as well as doing everything at home while i wallowed in self pity.
While i dont condone what she did, i can completely understand now that she was in need of some form of comfort and appreciation for herself. (Support which SHOULD have come from me)
The counselling services offered by relate have been an absolute revelation to me and have had such a positive impact on my life, and made me understand how poisonous an environment we were both contributing to.
She claims to not think of what was going on as being an "affair", as there were no feelings involved, more of a frindship/release/vent that went too far.
I honestly believe she is truely sorry for what she has done, not just that she got caught.
This is not a good place to canvas opinions on relationships. Some contributors are pretty good, but it appears the majority of PH'ers treat women as mysteries/adversaries/swt's/possessions etc. There are also some very, very fragile male egos on here.I had been difficult to live with, taken her for granted, not helped out at home, etc We led quite seperate lifes. When i left my previous job, i slipped into a dark dark hole and couldn't see any way to drag myself out of it.
What i was unaware of, was how miserable she was too. Her whole existence was taken up by helping other people at work (she works with alzimers sufferers), caring for her ill mother/grandparents as well as doing everything at home while i wallowed in self pity.
While i dont condone what she did, i can completely understand now that she was in need of some form of comfort and appreciation for herself. (Support which SHOULD have come from me)
The counselling services offered by relate have been an absolute revelation to me and have had such a positive impact on my life, and made me understand how poisonous an environment we were both contributing to.
She claims to not think of what was going on as being an "affair", as there were no feelings involved, more of a frindship/release/vent that went too far.
I honestly believe she is truely sorry for what she has done, not just that she got caught.
You made a choice, a choice that many others have also made and I hope it works out for you. Some people cheat endlessly, some get their fingers burned and never do it again. Only you can decide what is correct for you and your family.
I hope it works out for you and you have a long healthy relationship with your wife and kids.
jshell said:
Whattodonow said:
Just to put a few things into context, for a few years prior to all of this, our marriage had not been "great"
I had been difficult to live with, taken her for granted, not helped out at home, etc We led quite seperate lifes. When i left my previous job, i slipped into a dark dark hole and couldn't see any way to drag myself out of it.
What i was unaware of, was how miserable she was too. Her whole existence was taken up by helping other people at work (she works with alzimers sufferers), caring for her ill mother/grandparents as well as doing everything at home while i wallowed in self pity.
While i dont condone what she did, i can completely understand now that she was in need of some form of comfort and appreciation for herself. (Support which SHOULD have come from me)
The counselling services offered by relate have been an absolute revelation to me and have had such a positive impact on my life, and made me understand how poisonous an environment we were both contributing to.
She claims to not think of what was going on as being an "affair", as there were no feelings involved, more of a frindship/release/vent that went too far.
I honestly believe she is truely sorry for what she has done, not just that she got caught.
This is not a good place to canvas opinions on relationships. Some contributors are pretty good, but it appears the majority of PH'ers treat women as mysteries/adversaries/swt's/possessions etc. There are also some very, very fragile male egos on here.I had been difficult to live with, taken her for granted, not helped out at home, etc We led quite seperate lifes. When i left my previous job, i slipped into a dark dark hole and couldn't see any way to drag myself out of it.
What i was unaware of, was how miserable she was too. Her whole existence was taken up by helping other people at work (she works with alzimers sufferers), caring for her ill mother/grandparents as well as doing everything at home while i wallowed in self pity.
While i dont condone what she did, i can completely understand now that she was in need of some form of comfort and appreciation for herself. (Support which SHOULD have come from me)
The counselling services offered by relate have been an absolute revelation to me and have had such a positive impact on my life, and made me understand how poisonous an environment we were both contributing to.
She claims to not think of what was going on as being an "affair", as there were no feelings involved, more of a frindship/release/vent that went too far.
I honestly believe she is truely sorry for what she has done, not just that she got caught.
You made a choice, a choice that many others have also made and I hope it works out for you. Some people cheat endlessly, some get their fingers burned and never do it again. Only you can decide what is correct for you and your family.
I hope it works out for you and you have a long healthy relationship with your wife and kids.
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