Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[jshell]

turbobloke said:

jshell said:

Whattodonow said:

Just to put a few things into context, for a few years prior to all of this, our marriage had not been "great"

I had been difficult to live with, taken her for granted, not helped out at home, etc We led quite seperate lifes. When i left my previous job, i slipped into a dark dark hole and couldn't see any way to drag myself out of it.

What i was unaware of, was how miserable she was too. Her whole existence was taken up by helping other people at work (she works with alzimers sufferers), caring for her ill mother/grandparents as well as doing everything at home while i wallowed in self pity.

While i dont condone what she did, i can completely understand now that she was in need of some form of comfort and appreciation for herself. (Support which SHOULD have come from me)

The counselling services offered by relate have been an absolute revelation to me and have had such a positive impact on my life, and made me understand how poisonous an environment we were both contributing to.

She claims to not think of what was going on as being an "affair", as there were no feelings involved, more of a frindship/release/vent that went too far.

I honestly believe she is truely sorry for what she has done, not just that she got caught.

This is not a good place to canvas opinions on relationships. Some contributors are pretty good, but it appears the majority of PH'ers treat women as mysteries/adversaries/swt's/possessions etc. There are also some very, very fragile male egos on here.

You made a choice, a choice that many others have also made and I hope it works out for you. Some people cheat endlessly, some get their fingers burned and never do it again. Only you can decide what is correct for you and your family.

I hope it works out for you and you have a long healthy relationship with your wife and kids.

Seconded, it would be great to have a happy ending every time following adultery, though noting instances where this has been tried across a number of friends and family, none with ego problems, the chances aren't good. The cheat will carry guilt with remorse and the cheated will always have doubts once the bond of trust is broken. These changes in a relationship can be a subtle presence merely in the back of the mind, but also a pernicious one. If people point that out, it's just part of the give and take (of opinions and experiences) on PH.

Oh, I agree with what you say Turbs, but people have to do what's best for them. If everyone who's partner had cheated found out about it and left them, there's be few relationships left methinks! I've been both sides of the situation. Some women are doubtless serial cheaters, I've met and had some fun with them, but I believe that the vast majority of women want to be in a stable, happy relationship. It seems to be when the relationship heads South that some of them find 'comfort in cock'.

Some people may not want to throw away many years of good relationships with a mostly wonderful person for the sake of a few minutes of grunting noises. The biggest dent is in the ego, not the mattress!

[turbobloke]

jshell said:

turbobloke said:

jshell said:

Whattodonow said:

Just to put a few things into context, for a few years prior to all of this, our marriage had not been "great"

I had been difficult to live with, taken her for granted, not helped out at home, etc We led quite seperate lifes. When i left my previous job, i slipped into a dark dark hole and couldn't see any way to drag myself out of it.

What i was unaware of, was how miserable she was too. Her whole existence was taken up by helping other people at work (she works with alzimers sufferers), caring for her ill mother/grandparents as well as doing everything at home while i wallowed in self pity.

While i dont condone what she did, i can completely understand now that she was in need of some form of comfort and appreciation for herself. (Support which SHOULD have come from me)

The counselling services offered by relate have been an absolute revelation to me and have had such a positive impact on my life, and made me understand how poisonous an environment we were both contributing to.

She claims to not think of what was going on as being an "affair", as there were no feelings involved, more of a frindship/release/vent that went too far.

I honestly believe she is truely sorry for what she has done, not just that she got caught.

This is not a good place to canvas opinions on relationships. Some contributors are pretty good, but it appears the majority of PH'ers treat women as mysteries/adversaries/swt's/possessions etc. There are also some very, very fragile male egos on here.

You made a choice, a choice that many others have also made and I hope it works out for you. Some people cheat endlessly, some get their fingers burned and never do it again. Only you can decide what is correct for you and your family.

I hope it works out for you and you have a long healthy relationship with your wife and kids.

Seconded, it would be great to have a happy ending every time following adultery, though noting instances where this has been tried across a number of friends and family, none with ego problems, the chances aren't good. The cheat will carry guilt with remorse and the cheated will always have doubts once the bond of trust is broken. These changes in a relationship can be a subtle presence merely in the back of the mind, but also a pernicious one. If people point that out, it's just part of the give and take (of opinions and experiences) on PH.

Oh, I agree with what you say Turbs, but people have to do what's best for them. If everyone who's partner had cheated found out about it and left them, there's be few relationships left methinks! I've been both sides of the situation. Some women are doubtless serial cheaters, I've met and had some fun with them, but I believe that the vast majority of women want to be in a stable, happy relationship. It seems to be when the relationship heads South that some of them find 'comfort in cock'.

Some people may not want to throw away many years of good relationships with a mostly wonderful person for the sake of a few minutes of grunting noises. The biggest dent is in the ego, not the mattress!

Understood, though with respect I would say that the biggest dent is in the bond of trust between the two, it more often goes so deep that the bond is broken, and as they say, you can always see the join in a fix. How closely each individual wants to look is fine, as long as both individuals go for the same visuals!

[andy-xr]

Whattodonow said:

Well, at this point of my life, that is a chance I'm willing to take.

I have the funds and resources to leave and start again, but That is not what i want from life.

This, I think is the only bit that's really relevant. It doesn't matter what anyone else says, if that's how you want to live your life, gwanthen. You've got every opportunity to do it from the looks of it.

Anyone and everyone who's been through something similar will tell you what they did, or didn't do and wished they had, but that's them, not you.

What I would say though is while it's good to take responsibility for your own actions or inactions, you can't wring your hands over it forever otherwise neither of you can move on. If it's a cause, write it down in the Cause list, figure out how it happened, how to identify it if it comes back again, and move on from it.

[BrabusMog]

Whattodonow said:

Blanchimont said:

Whattodonow.

If she was looking on those websites she was willing to throw the marriage down the khazi.

Her opinion may have changed, but I doubt that it will remain that way. She now knows that with a little sucking up, a few tears and an apology you won't go anywhere, and she will use that to her benefit.

It may not happen for years, but if/when she gets bored, she will look elsewhere, and end up having an affair with another bloke, and she'll think she can get away with it.

You may not be treated like a doormat normally, but you've opened yourself up to be treated like one in the future.

What used to be a good friend got with some bird, got her pregnant, had commitment doubts about her, and found out she was fccking someone else behind her back. She gave all the tears and that stuff and he took her back.
He's just found out she's been doing it again. Read of that what you will, but the same sort of thing may well happen to you.

Personally, if she thought about it enough to sign up for the site, she's already willing to fck someone else, at that point, there's no return for me.

Well, at this point of my life, that is a chance I'm willing to take.

I have the funds and resources to leave and start again, but That is not what i want from life.

At the point i found out, the affair had already run its course and ended, our marriage was improving day by day as we both actually started to put some effort and commitment into working at it.

I know of a few friends who have been through similar situations, some got through it, others didn't.

I'd like to think that now we are both aware of our flaws and issues, we can work through them together, and now be able to catch any slide in our relationship before it ever again reaches the depths that it did.

My dad cheated on my mum when I was 17. My sister had moved out and gone to university. I was doing my a-levels and then going to university myself. My mum was distraught and it was the most difficult and emotional time I have ever endured. But my parents decided to try to work things out, although I expect this is more to do with the fact that my mum is a bit more (but not totally) isolated than my dad is as her circle of friends is a bit smaller outside of their joint friendships. I really fking hated my dad up until my mid 20's when I nearly cheated on an ex myself and I understood that he must have had his head turned and he decided to try something he shouldn't have. My parents had been rowing quite a lot in the year leading up to my dad cheating, and my dad was going through a lot of stress with one of his businesses where a partner had been using the current account like his own piggy bank, I believe it nearly sunk the business, so I can see all the potential excuses on the table for him having an affair.

But what it truly amazing now, is here I am in my early 30's and looking forward to a big family get together this weekend. My missus will be flying in to join us, my sister and her small family will be heading over, unfortunately for my parents my younger brother still lives with them so he will be there and I'll be bring a nice bottle of Scotch for my dad and a bottle of wine for my mum. Sometimes the "logical" thing to do is to cut all ties and move on, but sometimes a family bond is strong enough to make the cheated party still want to make it work. Best of luck, it's not going to be easy, but I hope it works out.

[Andy Zarse]

Whattodonow said:

At the point i found out, the affair had already run its course and ended, our marriage was improving day by day as we both actually started to put some effort and commitment into working at it.

Just on a practical point, you said you found out about the "affair" by looking on her phone. If, as you say, it was already all over by the time you found it, then why were any details still on her phone? Why hadn't she deleted all trace of her silly mistake?

[RobinOakapple]

turbobloke said:

Seconded, it would be great to have a happy ending every time following adultery, though noting instances where this has been tried across a number of friends and family, none with ego problems, the chances aren't good. The cheat will carry guilt with remorse and the cheated will always have doubts once the bond of trust is broken. These changes in a relationship can be a subtle presence merely in the back of the mind, but also a pernicious one. If people point that out, it's just part of the give and take (of opinions and experiences) on PH.

To be fair (what an excellent expression that is) the chances aren't good for any marriage surviving, regardless of extra-mural bonking. Approximately 50% I believe.

[Whattodonow]

Andy Zarse said:

Whattodonow said:

At the point i found out, the affair had already run its course and ended, our marriage was improving day by day as we both actually started to put some effort and commitment into working at it.

Just on a practical point, you said you found out about the "affair" by looking on her phone. If, as you say, it was already all over by the time you found it, then why were any details still on her phone? Why hadn't she deleted all trace of her silly mistake?

Fair question, once she had started chatting to the guy, they exchanged details and continued to chat on a messaging app rather than the website. She had deleted the conversation and thought nothing more of it, but it turned out to not be gone, merely archived.

So that I could be sure I knew the whole truth, later that day, I logged into the app as her and asked the bloke to verify her version of events, it all matched up, I asked her everything I felt that I needed to know, then took my time to figure out where I wanted to go from there.

I am under no illusions that things are going to be easy from here, but now that we are being honest with each other, the pathway is clear to move forward.

I can totally relate to the people on here saying I should have walked, had I found out about the affair at the time it started, I probably would have as I was in such a bad place mentally back then that I wouldn't have been capable of acceptance or forgiveness.

[Pommygranite]

jshell said:

This is not a good place to canvas opinions on relationships. Some contributors are pretty good, but it appears the majority of PH'ers treat women as mysteries/adversaries/swt's/possessions etc. There are also some very, very fragile male egos on here.

I completely disagree with a lot of your points.

This is actually a very good place to canvas opinions in relationships.

Firstly you'll get a very honest opinion and response from those on here. No saccharin dressed up politically correct version. Genuine unemotional logical opinion which isn't just there to agree or support the posters opinion. Also you have to see that most people respond to is exactly what the posters written.

Secondly it's a vastly male environment so yes, you're going to get mostly male responses which given for those who would want to contribute are of an age and experience that have had relationships of any tenure and type to warrant a bit of insight. What you won't get is a 'you go hun, girl power' type blind support when the poster is also being a tt.

Lastly, the egos you refer to are generally men who have gone through the battles due to their age and have experienced the very lows the posters are going through and the egos you refer to are the very battered ones that have come out the other side smiling, happier and found that you don't have to live with the crap and deceit of a cheater/horrible partner or be blinded by a great pair. That ego is precisely what you need to know 'I don't need this, I'm shouldn't be treated this way and I can do better'

Edited by Pommygranite on Tuesday 2nd February 21:15

[xjay1337]

Pommygranite said:

I completely disagree with a lot of your points.

This is actually a very good place to canvas opinions in relationships.

Firstly you'll get a very honest opinion and response from those on here. No saccharin dressed up politically correct version. Genuine unemotional logical opinion which isn't just there to agree or support the posters opinion. Also you have to see that most people respond to is exactly what the posters written.

Secondly it's a vastly male environment so yes, you're going to get mostly male responses which given for those who would want to contribute are of an age and experience that have had relationships of any tenure and type to warrant a bit of insight. What you won't get is a 'you go hun, girl power' type blind support when the poster is also being a tt.

Lastly, the egos you refer to are generally men who have gone through the battles due to their age and have experienced the very lows the posters are going through and the egos you refer to are the very battered ones that have come out the other side smiling, happier and found that you don't have to live with the crap and deceit of a cheater/horrible partner or be blinded by a great pair. That ego is precisely what you need to know 'I don't need this, I'm shouldn't be treated this way and I can do better'

Edited by Pommygranite on Tuesday 2nd February 21:15

I have to agree with the above tbh.
Generally I see a lot of people able to admit their own mistakes and likewise a lot of people who have been through ste and aren't taking any more.

[anonymous-user]

Wolfer said:

Few people go through this then don't they!

For all those that have, is this normal? - My stuff has moved to storage ready for house sale, we have both agreed, many months ago it's over, and we're fine with that, however I generally only sleep around 2-4 hours per night now. Works suffering a bit. Feel guilty that I wasted 20 years of her life (and mine)and feel bad as she is going to have to waste a lot of money from the sale of the house to get rented accommodation and pay bills as her lone wages will only just cover bills. Not even sure what I'm going to do yet, but being a bloke, can crash down anywhere.

You are saying you are fine with splitting up but the fact that you are not sleeping and are clearly blaming yourself says otherwise. From my experience being unable to sleep and just not feeling like eating is completely normal. The first 6 months of my breakup are a bit of a blur now, but I remember feeling stressed and sick for the whole time. Everyone says it will get better and it will, but it could take a year or two before you are feeling normal again. It is like being surrounded by this thick, choking fog that fades away so slowly that you don't even realise. One day you just realise you haven't thought about her for a week or so and that you actually feel OK.

I spent months going through every single moment of my marriage trying to pinpoint exactly what I did wrong to cause this to happen. It sounds to me that you are doing the same thing and it is a total waste of time. You did nothing wrong, the long and short of it she got bored in your relationship and thought the grass was greener and that there was a more exciting life out there for her.

I warn you that when you find out about her new boyfriend (and if there isn't one already on the scene there will be soon) it will be another kick in the guts. Again you will lie in bed at night unable to sleep wondering what he has got that you haven't. The answer to this is nothing, once the honeymoon period has worn off it will be exactly like the relationship you had with her.

It will get better once the finances are sorted out, and you have a massive advantage in that you have no children so there is no reason to ever see her again.

You definitely need to stop worrying about her as I guarantee she is not worrying about you. All she is thinking about is how excited she is about her new life and how amazing she thinks it will be to be single again. I guarantee she will be with another guy exactly like you in a year once she realises what single life is actually like.

She wanted this not you so don't give a second thought about her struggling to pay rent of you wasting 20 years of her life as it was her that wasted 20 years of your life.

The biggest problem I had was trying to work out a logical reason why this happened to me. I blamed myself and kept thinking of how depressed I was while she was clearly off having a much better life with someone else. I eventually went to see a counselor who helped me put things into perspective that helped a lot.

It took me a long time until I realised that there was no logical reason this happened, it is purely because women are batst crazy.

[anonymous-user]

olly22n said:

Pommygranite said:

Lastly, the egos you refer to are generally men who have gone through the battles due to their age and have experienced the very lows the posters are going through and the egos you refer to are the very battered ones that have come out the other side smiling, happier and found that you don't have to live with the crap and deceit of a cheater/horrible partner or be blinded by a great pair. That ego is precisely what you need to know 'I don't need this, I'm shouldn't be treated this way and I can do better'

Amen.

100% agree. It is pretty easy to spot on this thread the men who have been through this and speak from experience. The men who are calling us bitter and twisted are just the ones who think their perfect little snow flake would never do this to them.

Trust me, all men go into marriage thinking divorce will never happen to them, and that the men it does happen to obviously did something wrong and deserve it.

[stuttgartmetal]

Joey Deacon said:

Wolfer said:

Few people go through this then don't they!

For all those that have, is this normal? - My stuff has moved to storage ready for house sale, we have both agreed, many months ago it's over, and we're fine with that, however I generally only sleep around 2-4 hours per night now. Works suffering a bit. Feel guilty that I wasted 20 years of her life (and mine)and feel bad as she is going to have to waste a lot of money from the sale of the house to get rented accommodation and pay bills as her lone wages will only just cover bills. Not even sure what I'm going to do yet, but being a bloke, can crash down anywhere.

You are saying you are fine with splitting up but the fact that you are not sleeping and are clearly blaming yourself says otherwise. From my experience being unable to sleep and just not feeling like eating is completely normal. The first 6 months of my breakup are a bit of a blur now, but I remember feeling stressed and sick for the whole time. Everyone says it will get better and it will, but it could take a year or two before you are feeling normal again. It is like being surrounded by this thick, choking fog that fades away so slowly that you don't even realise. One day you just realise you haven't thought about her for a week or so and that you actually feel OK.

I spent months going through every single moment of my marriage trying to pinpoint exactly what I did wrong to cause this to happen. It sounds to me that you are doing the same thing and it is a total waste of time. You did nothing wrong, the long and short of it she got bored in your relationship and thought the grass was greener and that there was a more exciting life out there for her.

I warn you that when you find out about her new boyfriend (and if there isn't one already on the scene there will be soon) it will be another kick in the guts. Again you will lie in bed at night unable to sleep wondering what he has got that you haven't. The answer to this is nothing, once the honeymoon period has worn off it will be exactly like the relationship you had with her.

It will get better once the finances are sorted out, and you have a massive advantage in that you have no children so there is no reason to ever see her again.

You definitely need to stop worrying about her as I guarantee she is not worrying about you. All she is thinking about is how excited she is about her new life and how amazing she thinks it will be to be single again. I guarantee she will be with another guy exactly like you in a year once she realises what single life is actually like.

She wanted this not you so don't give a second thought about her struggling to pay rent of you wasting 20 years of her life as it was her that wasted 20 years of your life.

The biggest problem I had was trying to work out a logical reason why this happened to me. I blamed myself and kept thinking of how depressed I was while she was clearly off having a much better life with someone else. I eventually went to see a counselor who helped me put things into perspective that helped a lot.

It took me a long time until I realised that there was no logical reason this happened, it is purely because women are batst crazy.

This.

It takes years to get over it

I haven't had a word from my daughter
She was 14 when they left
She's over 20 now
That's the really hard bit
My ex wife just didn't want me
And treated me like that for years

You move on
You build a life again
It all changes again
You find someone else

Move on with your life.
It's the only way
Draw a line under it
Move on.

[BrabusMog]

stuttgartmetal said:

This.

It takes years to get over it

I haven't had a word from my daughter
She was 14 when they left
She's over 20 now
That's the really hard bit
My ex wife just didn't want me
And treated me like that for years

You move on
You build a life again
It all changes again
You find someone else

Move on with your life.
It's the only way
Draw a line under it
Move on.

Mate, seriously? Wow.

[stuttgartmetal]

Yep


Wow

I know I'll never hear from her again.

She may see the whole picture one day
She may want to see her Dad

It's all up to her.
No one else.

[ESOG]

omgus said:

She was completely oblivious, she had no idea it was coming and she hadn't noticed the same things as me, i took a deliriously happy girl and destroyed her life in a 5 minute conversation.

Could you go further into this please. It honestly intrigues me. What happened at that moment and the days/months etc following?

[zygalski]

stuttgartmetal said:

Yep


Wow

I know I'll never hear from her again.

She may see the whole picture one day
She may want to see her Dad

It's all up to her.
No one else.

So your wife & your daughter both disowned you.
Are you absolutely certain there isn't another side to the story... another perspective?
Drink, domestic abuse & the fella not being able to keep it in his trousers seem to be the most common factors in marriage & family break ups. With all the failed relationships being aired in threads like this I'm amazed at how sober, peaceful & celibate our resident PH'ers seem to be.
Those cruel women. Dumping us for absolutely no good reason...

[Impasse]

zygalski said:

So your wife & your daughter both disowned you.
Are you absolutely certain there isn't another side to the story... another perspective?
Drink, domestic abuse & the fella not being able to keep it in his trousers seem to be the most common factors in marriage & family break ups. With all the failed relationships being aired in threads like this I'm amazed at how sober, peaceful & celibate our resident PH'ers seem to be.
Those cruel women. Dumping us for absolutely no good reason...

Face it chaps, you're all cheating, Stella swigging wife beaters. It's the only possible reason.

[WinstonWolf]

zygalski said:

stuttgartmetal said:

Yep


Wow

I know I'll never hear from her again.

She may see the whole picture one day
She may want to see her Dad

It's all up to her.
No one else.

So your wife & your daughter both disowned you.
Are you absolutely certain there isn't another side to the story... another perspective?
Drink, domestic abuse & the fella not being able to keep it in his trousers seem to be the most common factors in marriage & family break ups. With all the failed relationships being aired in threads like this I'm amazed at how sober, peaceful & celibate our resident PH'ers seem to be.
Those cruel women. Dumping us for absolutely no good reason...

So a bloke loses contact with his daughter and you think that's an appropriate response? Jeez you're a nasty bd.

[kwaka jack]

Impasse said:

Face it chaps, you're all cheating, Stella swigging wife beaters. It's the only possible reason.

Don't forget child milester and rapist as well

[zygalski]

kwaka jack said:

Impasse said:

Face it chaps, you're all cheating, Stella swigging wife beaters. It's the only possible reason.

Don't forget child milester and rapist as well

Sure, all the PH'ers with failed marriages where they are isolated from the rest of the family... they're the real victims in this and all for no good reason.
Yeah, right.