Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[craigjm]

stargazer30 said:

IMO the best strategy for a guy who wants to marry/have kids is to be a mix of the alpha and beta male. The alpha provides the fun and excitements and keeps the relationship fresh. His beta side takes care of **** that needs doing, keeps finances in check and is the dependable one/back bone.

I think that works either way. For most people to be happy in a long term relationship they need the excitement that's there are the start AND the stability. Problem is that with kids work bills etc one or other of a pair often forget that and the one that gets forgotten is the excitement. If you find yourself going out with separate groups of friends, coming in from work and "chilling" under a blanket on seperate sofas watching crap on to all night barely talking, the kids social lives are more important than yours then alarm bells should be ringing. The warning signs are all there if you look

Men and women cheat for exactly the same reason. They are bored. Want to sleep with a married woman... Simple..., treat her like she is a single woman and pay her the attention she probably isn't getting at home

[TwigtheWonderkid]

stargazer30 said:

The sad fact is today marriage is a dangerous game for the guy, the woman has everything to gain and nothing to loose. For the guy its pretty much the opposite. So its no wonder really most divorces are started by women.

Rubbish. If anything, it's a dangerous game for the person who enters into the marriage with the most money. That can be the man or the woman.

[danllama]

Edited. Change of heart.

Edited by danllama on Thursday 24th March 07:41

[xjay1337]

craigjm said:

I think that works either way. For most people to be happy in a long term relationship they need the excitement that's there are the start AND the stability. Problem is that with kids work bills etc one or other of a pair often forget that and the one that gets forgotten is the excitement. If you find yourself going out with separate groups of friends, coming in from work and "chilling" under a blanket on seperate sofas watching crap on to all night barely talking, the kids social lives are more important than yours then alarm bells should be ringing. The warning signs are all there if you look

Men and women cheat for exactly the same reason. They are bored. Want to sleep with a married woman... Simple..., treat her like she is a single woman and pay her the attention she probably isn't getting at home

I'm sorry, in a long term relationship that is what you inevitably end up doing.

[craigjm]

xjay1337 said:

craigjm said:

I think that works either way. For most people to be happy in a long term relationship they need the excitement that's there are the start AND the stability. Problem is that with kids work bills etc one or other of a pair often forget that and the one that gets forgotten is the excitement. If you find yourself going out with separate groups of friends, coming in from work and "chilling" under a blanket on seperate sofas watching crap on to all night barely talking, the kids social lives are more important than yours then alarm bells should be ringing. The warning signs are all there if you look

Men and women cheat for exactly the same reason. They are bored. Want to sleep with a married woman... Simple..., treat her like she is a single woman and pay her the attention she probably isn't getting at home

I'm sorry, in a long term relationship that is what you inevitably end up doing.

And therein lies the problem. As soon as one of you no longer accepts that as their destiny you end up in this thread. Never take your eye off the ball or soneone else's eye will be on it

[xjay1337]

craigjm said:

xjay1337 said:

craigjm said:

I think that works either way. For most people to be happy in a long term relationship they need the excitement that's there are the start AND the stability. Problem is that with kids work bills etc one or other of a pair often forget that and the one that gets forgotten is the excitement. If you find yourself going out with separate groups of friends, coming in from work and "chilling" under a blanket on seperate sofas watching crap on to all night barely talking, the kids social lives are more important than yours then alarm bells should be ringing. The warning signs are all there if you look

Men and women cheat for exactly the same reason. They are bored. Want to sleep with a married woman... Simple..., treat her like she is a single woman and pay her the attention she probably isn't getting at home

I'm sorry, in a long term relationship that is what you inevitably end up doing.

And therein lies the problem. As soon as one of you no longer accepts that as their destiny you end up in this thread. Never take your eye off the ball or soneone else's eye will be on it

Nothing is exciting forever. And surely anyone who wants a monogamous long term relationship knows that.
You grow into a relationship of partners who are there for each others continual development and to build your "unit".

Unfortunately I think if you have the kind of partner who will be wooed by these guys/women who show them a bit of attention then they aren't the kind you would settle down with.

I wouldn't take up an offer if in 5 years some random bird approached me... why should anyone else.

[sjc]

This should explain it..
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TjZIPClPR6I&feat...

[danllama]

Paddy_N_Murphy said:

Shame. (you edited)

I was actually half typing something this morning on the back of it, thinking that whilst painful to read the majority of it, there was a sort of silver lining or sunshine at the end of the darkness you were advising to others, in so faras it doesn't have to be what you have unfortunately had.

Ah, I thought I got away with it.

Yes I'm sure there was something useful in there for a few people in this thread, but I didn't want to be responsible for making anybody feel guilty or question their life decisions, and I also just thought better of having something that personal out in a public forum.

I'm glad somebody read it though.

[Whattodonow]

Whattodonow said:

I had this happen to me last year.

Short version-
She told me she wasn't in love with me any more, I thought my job and working away was one of the main reasons for this so ended up taking voluntary redundancy and moving back to her home town.

Spent about 9 months looking for work, found another job which she hated.

Made an appointment with Relate for marriage counselling, started to make progress, she needed space and time to figure out what she wanted from life.

Skip forwards 3 months and in a moment of madness, i look at her phone one morning, turns out at the same time as we had started counselling, she had started an affair with a random guy from an adult dating site. I confronted her over it and over the course of the next few days and weeks, we actually became much closer and realised that we did still want it to work.

2 months on and our 10 year marriage is the best it has been in years but trust is going to take a long time to return.

Looking back, if she hadn't had the affair, i think our marriage would probably have ended!!

(Posted from a second username to protect what little dignity I still have, sorry mods ??)

A quick update 6 months on from the affair starting (4 months from me finding out)

Things so far seem to be going great, Mrs WTDN has been to see an individual councillor to explore her issues.

I still struggle a bit with trusting her,and still see reminders of what happened every day, making me think about it (I commute past the premier inn she was visiting with him)

Individually, we have both made changes over the last few months which seem to have put us in a much better place and frame of mind. I've returned to the job which I left 18 months ago and being back in my comfort zone at work seems to have alleviated a lot of the tension/stress from our home life.

Not really got much else to say other than hopefully this post can help anyone else going through similar, and show that you CAN move forward from such a stty situation and it doesn't have to be the end.

[Vitorio]

Whattodonow said:

A quick update 6 months on from the affair starting (4 months from me finding out)

Things so far seem to be going great, Mrs WTDN has been to see an individual councillor to explore her issues.

I still struggle a bit with trusting her,and still see reminders of what happened every day, making me think about it (I commute past the premier inn she was visiting with him)

Individually, we have both made changes over the last few months which seem to have put us in a much better place and frame of mind. I've returned to the job which I left 18 months ago and being back in my comfort zone at work seems to have alleviated a lot of the tension/stress from our home life.

Not really got much else to say other than hopefully this post can help anyone else going through similar, and show that you CAN move forward from such a stty situation and it doesn't have to be the end.

Good to hear!

It doesnt have to be the end indeed.

[mr_spock]

Having contributed some apparently rather silly thoughts to this thread a couple of years ago, it's now my turn to be on the receiving end of "I don't love you" and "I want a divorce". I can't say I'm surprised, it's been good/bad for some time, I guess for her the bad outweighed the good. I see her perspective, although I don't agree, but that doesn't matter if she doesn't want to go on.

Since we have two teenagers about to take major exams, my hope is that we can reach a settlement through mediation, then park it until the summer holidays. At least I can get some time off, we can support the kids however we can, have time to do whatever has to be done with housing us separately (however that works out) and so on.

I just don't know if I can deal with the way I'm feeling for that length of time without going nuts. It's only been a couple of days, so I'm not running off to a dating site or anything! Just have to get my head together so I can work, as I'm mainly staring blankly at a screen. Since I WFH mostly I'm rattling round the house feeling crap. And we have builders in at the moment to add to the stress. Still sharing a bed which is awkward, not sleeping/eating well but I know it will pass.

Just..... bugger. This was not the plan.

Going out with a mate on Saturday night to get out of the house anyway, and I always have someone to call when I'm feeling too low to manage.

You can probably tell my head is spinning.

[turbobloke]

Sorry to hear about your situation. Quite right to consider the children and exams, I trust it all works out well for them, and you too of course.

There's a wealth of good advice in this thread, with several PHers who have been there - spinning an' all. I seem to recall some very practical words of wisdom including from tonker iirc, and several others.

Now you're riding the rollercoaster do keep in mind that it goes up as well as down, and more up / less down over time.

[xjay1337]

I don't have kids but I would get out of that situation and do the break as quickly and cleanly as possible.

Nothing worse for the kids than knowing something is wrong but neither of you doing anything about it.

[Robertj21a]

mr_spock said:

Having contributed some apparently rather silly thoughts to this thread a couple of years ago, it's now my turn to be on the receiving end of "I don't love you" and "I want a divorce". I can't say I'm surprised, it's been good/bad for some time, I guess for her the bad outweighed the good. I see her perspective, although I don't agree, but that doesn't matter if she doesn't want to go on.

Since we have two teenagers about to take major exams, my hope is that we can reach a settlement through mediation, then park it until the summer holidays. At least I can get some time off, we can support the kids however we can, have time to do whatever has to be done with housing us separately (however that works out) and so on.

I just don't know if I can deal with the way I'm feeling for that length of time without going nuts. It's only been a couple of days, so I'm not running off to a dating site or anything! Just have to get my head together so I can work, as I'm mainly staring blankly at a screen. Since I WFH mostly I'm rattling round the house feeling crap. And we have builders in at the moment to add to the stress. Still sharing a bed which is awkward, not sleeping/eating well but I know it will pass.

Just..... bugger. This was not the plan.

Going out with a mate on Saturday night to get out of the house anyway, and I always have someone to call when I'm feeling too low to manage.

You can probably tell my head is spinning.

Sorry to hear all that. Keep all the options open at present, it's a long path to tread before anything will get finalised - and keep the discussions going (as 'friendly' as possible). Be open to ideas but aim for the middle ground so that you both stand a chance of getting a solution that's at least just about acceptable in the circumstances. Make a record of all assets and at least be prepared to consider what house/flat you may aim for in due course. Good to hear that you've got people to call on - it can be a very trying time and, as you say, it will do your head in if you let it.

[mr_spock]

Well, discussions so far have been amicable. If possible I want to buy her out of the house, she wants to leave and move elsewhere to somewhere she can cope with. The children will be able to stay with me in the current family home. I don't know if we'll be able to achieve that though, we'll see.

Right now my main issues are that I can't sleep (awake at 5 this morning), can't concentrate so work is becoming a problem very quickly, we have the stress of builders doing work on stuff that she wanted so there's emotion tied up in that, and so on and on.

I've booked in to see a counsellor next week to see if I can get a grip and figure out some mental coping strategies. Also I want to see if I can be a better person and not screw up any future relationship. And just to talk to someone.

I'm also choking back a lot of anger and frustration, trying not to lose it. It's very tough. I can't even cry/grieve, it's too fresh and isn't anywhere near over.

On the timing thing, it will take a few months to sort out, so no point in screwing up the kids' exams by telling them too soon. I hope we can do this, they are the most important thing.

[AB]

Pieman68 said:

My best mate came home one day and turned the lights on, only to find that she had stripped the house so comprehensively that her haul even included the lightbulbs

[mikefacel]

mr_spock said:

I've booked in to see a counsellor next week to see if I can get a grip and figure out some mental coping strategies. Also I want to see if I can be a better person and not screw up any future relationship. And just to talk to someone.

What makes you think it's you that screwed up? Would seem doubtful considering it looks like the kids will be living with you.

[mr_spock]

Thanks guys. I'll look at the melatonin. My wife has pointed at a number of things I did and the way I acted that caused problems. I have my perspective and she has hers of course, but whatever the rights and wrongs she felt I was the root cause of many of our issues. I'd like to see what I can do to not repeat that with anyone else. She's never said I was a bad parent or violent or anything horrible like that. I'll explain when it's all over maybe.

I really appreciate you all replying to this. I can't tell you how helpful it is to have a bunch of strangers listen!

[alorotom]

I wouldn't read too much into what she is saying Spock ... it's easier to levy the blame and class some else as the 'reason' rather than admit the truth to ones self

I had this with my ex-wife who blamed everything that ever went wrong had the root cause as myself ... none of which (when rationally thought about) was remotely true or correct

You'll be a better person on the other side of all this, but I think you know that already from what you've said above

[Robertj21a]

mr_spock said:

Thanks guys. I'll look at the melatonin. My wife has pointed at a number of things I did and the way I acted that caused problems. I have my perspective and she has hers of course, but whatever the rights and wrongs she felt I was the root cause of many of our issues. I'd like to see what I can do to not repeat that with anyone else. She's never said I was a bad parent or violent or anything horrible like that. I'll explain when it's all over maybe.

I really appreciate you all replying to this. I can't tell you how helpful it is to have a bunch of strangers listen!

At least if your wife can explain things from her point of view it should help you to better understand her reasoning - it may hurt, it may be totally wrong (in your view) and it may be very unfair, but at least you know. Hopefully, you will also be able to explain to her, rationally, your own view on the issues which have caused the problems (perhaps some she wouldn't have realised ?).
I do think you should try to get out with your own friends - rather often at present while your mind is all over the place.
All the best, there's quite a few of us out here !!