Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[mr_spock]

No, I definitely screwed up some stuff. Some with good intentions, some because I was thoughtless. I expect everyone does. People react to this stuff differently - I had one boss, for example, who wouldn't accept any issues, so everyone walked round on eggshells. I had another who would accept stuff if one learned from it. One bullying one would scream at everyone because he thought everyone was out to screw him over. So, my wife has her view of everything, and who am I to say she's wrong to feel any particular way?

The specifics would help, but it's not appropriate to share on a public forum. Hence the counselling!

Cheers chaps

[MG CHRIS]

When you do finally split and move your separate way just take some time to be yourself don't rush into another relationship quickly spend time with your kids but also find time for yourself and go out and do things that you loved doing or did regular before the relationship and or kids.

Then when your ready get out and start looking for someone that is different to your ex is my best advise.

Plenty of members on here that are either going through this or have done so in the pastand come out of it better.

[Wobbegong]

Spock, is it 100% finished or could you both visit a marriage counsellor, maybe start a clean slate or something like that?

[Huff]

Very sorry to read this, Spock.

Have you conveyed the positive in what you've told us to your wife? That you are trying to listen, apprehend, acknowledge, alter? It may help the conversation going forward.

Bravo for seeking outside help/support early on.

Wish you all the best - that's all of you, your family too.

[mr_spock]

Yes, it's dead. It kills me to write that, but I know it's the truth. We tried counselling in the past, I guess it bought us a few more years but old issues keep coming back to the surface.

I have told her I'm seeking help. She thinks it's a good thing but won't alter her decision. At least I'm clear where I stand on that.

I went out last night with a couple of friends back to the scene I've been with for years. It was a great night, I slept a lot better, but again it's tough waking up and the realisation hits.

I don't know whether to make myself busy or try to take it easy! I could easily take on too much and find myself overloaded and stressed. I'll try to find a balance.

I think when it's over and we're apart it will be easier. I am sick with worry about the kids finding out, a very few of our friends know but you know how the grapevine can work. My daughter is also very perceptive. We can only try. (The word 'we' seems very odd now)

[TheLordJohn]

mr_spock said:

I don't know whether to make myself busy or try to take it easy.

If you don't already, get yourself in the gym.

[Robertj21a]

mr_spock said:

Yes, it's dead. It kills me to write that, but I know it's the truth. We tried counselling in the past, I guess it bought us a few more years but old issues keep coming back to the surface.

I have told her I'm seeking help. She thinks it's a good thing but won't alter her decision. At least I'm clear where I stand on that.

I went out last night with a couple of friends back to the scene I've been with for years. It was a great night, I slept a lot better, but again it's tough waking up and the realisation hits.

I don't know whether to make myself busy or try to take it easy! I could easily take on too much and find myself overloaded and stressed. I'll try to find a balance.

I think when it's over and we're apart it will be easier. I am sick with worry about the kids finding out, a very few of our friends know but you know how the grapevine can work. My daughter is also very perceptive. We can only try. (The word 'we' seems very odd now)

Children are far more perceptive than most of us realise. I wouldn't be surprised if they have worked it out for themselves.

[Chris7865677]

I have been through many failed relationships. Although I never married or had kids so it was far easier to walk away. Now I am 46 and I have been single for 3 years. I am so much happier single. I have got no interest in wanting to try and find a partner. I really couldn't care less if I stay single until I die.
So as much as breakups hurt you have to think of the positives. I really do believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason.

[turbobloke]

TheLordJohn said:

mr_spock said:

I don't know whether to make myself busy or try to take it easy.

If you don't already, get yourself in the gym.

Good advice, then stay busy with all types of purposeful activity looking forwards, so personal/children/friends/work etc, whatever suits the moment. Look after yourself mr_spock.

[mr_spock]

I don't go to the gym, but I do other exercise. Well, to a point. I'm very up and down - yesterday was OK, but this morning it's all hit hard. I think I need to understand where this is going, how whatever we will agree turns out. It's not knowing that's killing me. I'm struggling to work, I stare at the screen, give up, come here, give up, coffee, cuddle a dog, TV, blah blah. Working from home with no office in this country is just bloody awful. I feel isolated at home and at work, and I can only phone my mates so often!

I almost wish I could drink to make it go away, but I don't really drink! I know it's a matter of time, but every minute feels like hours. I can't wait to sleep again so it doesn't hurt for a while. Not really a solution though, as we're still sharing a bed, which highlights it even more.

[bristolracer]

Keep your chin up guys.
You will get to the other side
You will heal

Try and keep occupied,you will drift off sometimes that's natural
Stay off the booze

Time will heal

Good luck you have our best wishes

[duffy78]

mr_spock said:

Right now my main issues are that I can't sleep (awake at 5 this morning), can't concentrate so work is becoming a problem very quickly, we have the stress of builders doing work on stuff that she wanted so there's emotion tied up in that, and so on and on.

probably already been said but tell your boss, now. Don't wait until it gets noticed that your work is slipping. It will be one thing off your mind.

Secondly, go and see your Dr. Get on some medication, even only a small dose. It will help give you a slight bit of emotional distance that will help you think about your current situation without it overwhelming you.

Good luck.

[xjay1337]

mr_spock said:

Yes, it's dead. It kills me to write that, but I know it's the truth. We tried counselling in the past, I guess it bought us a few more years but old issues keep coming back to the surface.

I have told her I'm seeking help. She thinks it's a good thing but won't alter her decision. At least I'm clear where I stand on that.

I went out last night with a couple of friends back to the scene I've been with for years. It was a great night, I slept a lot better, but again it's tough waking up and the realisation hits.

I don't know whether to make myself busy or try to take it easy! I could easily take on too much and find myself overloaded and stressed. I'll try to find a balance.

I think when it's over and we're apart it will be easier. I am sick with worry about the kids finding out, a very few of our friends know but you know how the grapevine can work. My daughter is also very perceptive. We can only try. (The word 'we' seems very odd now)

Trying to hide it from the kids will not help.
It will make it worse.
They will resent you for not telling them honestly and being upfront.

Tell them ASAP.
Both you and the Mum sit down together.
Be pleasant and amicable with each other (even if it's hard). This will show unity in the family 'unit'.
Move along with proceedings as soon as possible with regards to either her leaving the house or you leaving the house (can't remember if you said if she or you would be leaving).
Trying to maintain a normal relationship appearance is horrible.
I have been there and done that, nothing worse than sleeping in the same house as someone who you used to love or used to love you.

Please please please don't delay the situation.

[turbobloke]

mr_spock said:

I'm very up and down - yesterday was OK, but this morning it's all hit hard.

It's a completely st existence but being on the rollercoaster is entirely normal in this situation, remember the highs get more frequent and better, the lows get less deep. Plan ahead and keep as much control over your situation as humanly possible. Stay busy even if it takes more effort than usual.

ETA what I meant by plan ahead. There will be stuff you can't plan for in a meaningful way at this point, but a to-do list for work that you do your best to stick to, diary entries for meeting friends, why not start a gym routine, time with the children particularly if they have events you normally take them to or attend with them etc. Also in a purely practical way, keep a check on your joint account(s) if you have any, particularly if set up as sole signatory rather than joint. If you can legitimately set aside a pot for your use 'just in case' then I'd recommend it.

Edited by turbobloke on Monday 7th November 10:43

[mr_spock]

Well, we've agreed we need to get them through the exam season first. We're getting on OK, it's inside my head that it's tough. I know it's normal, and it will all work out in the end. Don't worry, I won't take to the booze. I have never drunk much, it's not my thing. As for work, well I basically run the company with one other guy, and he's being very understanding and supportive. No problem there at all.

I can't say I'm looking forward to Xmas much though! Mind you, I never do really so no big difference

Thanks for your good wishes, it really means a lot.

[xjay1337]

Can you not tag along to your Parents for Xmas or to a friends?

I never usually do much at Xmas.
Last few Xmas's have been spent on the PS4 playing Battlefield lol.

You seem to be doing OK which is good

[zygalski]

A life reduced to keyboard shortcuts. How sad.

[Sheets Tabuer]

zygalski said:

A life reduced to keyboard shortcuts. How sad.

You mean you've never hammered your Mrs like an F5 key in the Eurovision thread?

[jshell]

Paddy_N_Murphy said:

Sheets Tabuer said:

zygalski said:

A life reduced to keyboard shortcuts. How sad.

You mean you've never hammered your Mrs like an F5 key in the Eurovision thread?

And:

[mr_spock]

So tonight it's clear that she's taken advice. Originally she'd said I could stay in the house with the kids. Now she's not sure what she wants. With the disparity in our incomes and her inability to earn much (trust me on this, don't want to go into detail) I am now seriously worried that I may get taken to the cleaners with a badly offset split in assets and a crap load of maintenance.

Still, she now wants to tell the kids very very soon, in the next couple of weeks. At least we can stop hiding. She's also uncomfortable with sharing a bed, but we don't have a choice right now.

I shall get a meeting with a solicitor asap so I know where I stand, then hopefully we can use mediation to agree without spending £££