You're 31, with £11,000, and failed miserably in life...

You're 31, with £11,000, and failed miserably in life...

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okie592

2,711 posts

166 months

Monday 24th November 2014
quotequote all
Dr Interceptor said:
It doesn't exist - trust me.

I'm 31 and a poofter. I've been seeing my other half for nearly two years (in 2 weeks), I still live at home, I'm not out to my folks, and I've lived a double life since I was 17.


God that must be so hard. I feel for you! Coming out when I was 21 was the best feeling ever, so much weight lifted off your shoulders. Luckily it was all accepted as it should be.

CharlesdeGaulle

26,091 posts

179 months

Monday 24th November 2014
quotequote all
Dr Interceptor said:
It doesn't exist - trust me.

I'm 31 and a poofter. I've been seeing my other half for nearly two years (in 2 weeks), I still live at home, I'm not out to my folks, and I've lived a double life since I was 17.
I don't want to derail the OP's situation any more than we have, and others have said the same thing, but what's the worst that could happen to you?

I'm a parent, and I bet your folks know exactly what makes you tick. And I bet they don't really mind. And I bet they love you today, and will love you in a week, month and year, regardless of what you tell them. And I bet that if it's other people that are the problem, they will be your strongest allies.

Take the leap. Good luck. Live - it really is your life.

Japveesix

4,476 posts

167 months

Monday 24th November 2014
quotequote all
Dr Interceptor said:
It doesn't exist - trust me.

I'm 31 and a poofter. I've been seeing my other half for nearly two years (in 2 weeks), I still live at home, I'm not out to my folks, and I've lived a double life since I was 17.
That sounds like a hard life and stressful.

For what it's worth I lived at home until a year ago (when I was just 31), didn't get me anywhere as I'm still skint but I suppose it meant I could make the most of a minimal budget and my folks are easy going so that wasn't a problem. I came out to them as heterosexual at a young age so that was never an issue, though until I met the current missus (and finally buggered off) I'm not sure they were ever very convinced I'd told them the truth....

Good luck OP, let me know what you do with your £11k to find happiness and make money as then I can copy you with my £11kish and be a success too!

chilistrucker

4,541 posts

150 months

Monday 24th November 2014
quotequote all
Dr Interceptor said:
Leicesterdave said:
normality...
It doesn't exist - trust me.

I'm 31 and a poofter. I've been seeing my other half for nearly two years (in 2 weeks), I still live at home, I'm not out to my folks, and I've lived a double life since I was 17.
I bet thats quite a challenge, leading the double life. Have you been close to telling your folks about your sexuality and do you think they'd be understanding?

I love my kids with all my heart, and if either of them had come out to me i wouldn't have been bothered in the slightest, they are my kids and i love them no matter what.
2 years in 2 weeks, congrats smile

OP, i can't help much with any great advice, but sounds like you are on to a winner with that mrs of yours smile
Had a few ups and downs of my own, but would never have made it through without my partner, shes been fantastic, so if you've got a good'un male or female, you're on a winner. Good luck.

Higgs boson

1,091 posts

152 months

Monday 24th November 2014
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Benni said:
Tannedbaldhead said:
I'm looking at his abs and now am feeling as desolate as the OP.
But he´s only ten years old, will get saggy from all the sweets soon.
clap Very good.

dave123456

1,846 posts

146 months

Monday 24th November 2014
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people are like wood...

and the ones who present a façade to the outside world are usually like that stty chipboard that cheap kitchens are made from, the slightest change in their environment causes huge stability issues and they lose their integrity as the veneer peels away.

aim for solid wood...

Justin Case

2,195 posts

133 months

Monday 24th November 2014
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Try and sort out your health problems first; I know that this is easier said than done, but perhaps other people in your life can support you in taking that first step. Then get a job, any job regardless of pay, hours, etc. Once you have had a job then you have the chance to build up a track record for turning up on time, sticking at it for a period of time and all the other things that would give an employer the confidence to take you on for a job more to your liking.
Good luck

hidetheelephants

23,772 posts

192 months

Tuesday 25th November 2014
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Leicesterdave said:
I mean I have got skills, I'm half French, perfectly bilingual and good with people. I genuinely feel crap about myself but I do know that I have an eye for detail and I am a perfectionist...
I wish I was bilingual; start translating, even if the pay is pants it will get you out the house. Even a crap job is better than staring at the walls or watching daytime TV. Getting help for your depression is a good idea too.

conanius

741 posts

197 months

Tuesday 25th November 2014
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Don't be too proud to call your GP for an appointment to sort counselling.

Mental health has a disgusting stigma for some stupid reason, and its just as incapacitating as a broken leg, if not worse.

Go grab a chat with someone, talking things through genuinely does help, and the strategies you can be offered work well too.

Regarding the money, put it towards a house deposit/holiday of a lifetime.

However, regardless what you do, get a chat with someone lined up first.

Dr Interceptor

7,743 posts

195 months

Tuesday 25th November 2014
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Leicesterdave said:
Now that is difficult to live with I imagine. What would the reaction of your parents be do you think? What is it putting you off telling them?
Don't want to jump on your thread, my life problems could fill another one. Long story short, my folks don't get it. They're the kind that still tuts when Graham Norton comes on the tele. I live with them, and work with them, if I told them now and it went wrong, I'd be up st creek. I'm in the process of selling my buy to let so I can move out, and move on smile


Edited by Dr Interceptor on Tuesday 25th November 01:13

glazbagun

14,259 posts

196 months

Tuesday 25th November 2014
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This thread makes me feel old. SEVEN years ago I posted This

I jacked my job in, went to uni and generally drowned myself in experiences, had some great relationships and some not so great ones, left uni on a wave of goodwill from all the friends I made and moved to London to take on the world. I'm now clearing out my bedsit ready to move into a coworkers spare bedroom because I'm almost flat broke at 33 having bought a Golf GTI (first car in six years!) that proved a little more expensive than I'd budgeted for and have fewer local friends than when I wrote the above post.

I'm also single, getting fat and grey for the first time in my life and seriously considering chatting to someone professional about depression because it pretty much wiped out my 2013 and I can tell that I've started the cycle of isolation again.

Sorry for the self indulgent rant. The point I would like to make though is that failure at life is a judgement you pass on yourself. How can you ever be happy when you tell yourself that you're not good enough and haven't done well enough all the time? If you had a friend who looked at you that way you'd tell him to do one!

You can't do that with your own guilt of course, but it's something to keep in mind that it's probably only you who feels so bad about yourself. Others are probably looking with envy at the young guy with cash in the bank and steady relationship with his childhood sweetheart career-girl.

Suggestion-wise, I've heard that the EU requires translators of each national origin, IE: to translate French for the UK you have to be a Brit who learned French, not the other way around. Might be worth looking into as a long term plan- take a language degree, smash it with your eyes closed whilst working/making friends in a shop/pub to cover bills, get on the EU gravy train.

Away from all that career stuff, a martial art/dance or club sport is a great way of building self esteem- you learn more, become better/faster than you were before, get recognition of your abilities, make friends through your common interest... before you know it you're actually genuinely enjoying yourself and proud of your abilities. Which filters into everything else that you do.

I'll always remember a particularly hard rock climb I managed once (OK, only 6b font and indoors!) being the first time in my entire life I managed something I genuinely didn't believe I could do. I'd done lots of things that others thought were difficult or brilliant before, but I'd discounted their opinions because I thought I should have been doing better. The realization that what I thought I could do and what I actually could do were not the same was pretty profound for me- If I was wrong about my climbing, what else was I wrong about?

Anyway I'm ranting and talking about myself again, sorry. Good luck Dave, hope you get some good suggestions. Don't put the rest of your life off until you get yourself sorted, either, there's a whole lot of good living can be squeezed in in the meantime. smile




Edited by glazbagun on Tuesday 25th November 01:22

Leicesterdave

Original Poster:

2,282 posts

179 months

Tuesday 25th November 2014
quotequote all
I am so glad I started this thread. You lot really are a good bunch and I wish I could meet friends like this in everyday life. Sadly this is another issue that is affecting my life (and thank god for forums where my anonymity remains intact) I haven't got a single friend, not one.
It genuinely isn't my intent to make all this sound like a sob story- but I do think this is why I am in the state I'm in. It's 05.53 am and I'm typing this in our flat- with the thoughts that my day is going to be exactly the same as the last: empty. I don't sleep well at all, and haven't for a while, I think it's just because there is so much on my mind and has been for years.

The lack of friends for me is the biggest issue. I'd swap my £11k or of course far more (if I had it) for one true friend. It's what I look at with envy the most when I pop into town and look at a bunch of blokes having a laugh. No one can truly appreciate how isolating it feels when you never get one text message or email or whatever just asking 'how are you'?
I feel I'd struggle to make friends anyway as my life as been so empty for over a decade now- I mean what really have I got to contribute to a friendship? What have you done dave, what are your hobbies? Oh well I've sat on my arse for 10 years and felt sorry for myself. Riiiiight. One thing my dad always used to tell me (in french of course!) which roughly translated is: When you're laughing,everybody laughs with you when you cry, you cry on your own. And for me, never truer words have been spoken.
I just know I wouldn't need much to make me happy- a good pal, a job/bsuiness I'm interested in, and just a decent income. Give me that and I'll appreciate every day as if it was my last.

Dr Interceptor

7,743 posts

195 months

Tuesday 25th November 2014
quotequote all
Leicesterdave said:
I am so glad I started this thread. You lot really are a good bunch and I wish I could meet friends like this in everyday life. Sadly this is another issue that is affecting my life (and thank god for forums where my anonymity remains intact) I haven't got a single friend, not one.
It genuinely isn't my intent to make all this sound like a sob story- but I do think this is why I am in the state I'm in. It's 05.53 am and I'm typing this in our flat- with the thoughts that my day is going to be exactly the same as the last: empty. I don't sleep well at all, and haven't for a while, I think it's just because there is so much on my mind and has been for years.

The lack of friends for me is the biggest issue. I'd swap my £11k or of course far more (if I had it) for one true friend. It's what I look at with envy the most when I pop into town and look at a bunch of blokes having a laugh. No one can truly appreciate how isolating it feels when you never get one text message or email or whatever just asking 'how are you'?
I feel I'd struggle to make friends anyway as my life as been so empty for over a decade now- I mean what really have I got to contribute to a friendship? What have you done dave, what are your hobbies? Oh well I've sat on my arse for 10 years and felt sorry for myself. Riiiiight. One thing my dad always used to tell me (in french of course!) which roughly translated is: When you're laughing,everybody laughs with you when you cry, you cry on your own. And for me, never truer words have been spoken.
I just know I wouldn't need much to make me happy- a good pal, a job/bsuiness I'm interested in, and just a decent income. Give me that and I'll appreciate every day as if it was my last.
I think what this thread has highlighted is that all the time you're a PHer, you're not alone. There will always be someone to talk to and offer advice.

It's no substitute for a proper buddy I know. I take it your username reflects your location? Well if you ever find yourself a bit further south, shout me if you fancy a beer.

FamilyDub

3,587 posts

164 months

Tuesday 25th November 2014
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Leicesterdave said:
The lack of friends for me is the biggest issue.
Seriously, go to a PH meet, even it's not car-centric.

I.e. the Scotland area has curry nights or pub meets during winter; surely the Leicester area will have something similar?

You're only the new guy at a meet once and it is likeminded people, so there is always something to chat about.

Just make sure to ignore the IT geek who pitches up in his Porsche/Ferrari.

blindswelledrat

25,257 posts

231 months

Tuesday 25th November 2014
quotequote all
Dr Interceptor said:
Leicesterdave said:
normality...
It doesn't exist - trust me.

I'm 31 and a poofter. I've been seeing my other half for nearly two years (in 2 weeks), I still live at home, I'm not out to my folks, and I've lived a double life since I was 17.
Describes my old best mate to a tee (tea? t?). He was terrified particularly as he was like the alpha male of the group (although all the signs were there - he used to make you listen to Queen in his car, and women all loved him despite his lack of interest).
If it makes you feel any better, when he finally came out at about your age after 2 weeks he was furious he didn't do it years ago. It's such a massive deal to him/you but not to anyone else.

andy-xr

13,204 posts

203 months

Tuesday 25th November 2014
quotequote all
Leicesterdave said:
I just know I wouldn't need much to make me happy- a good pal, a job/bsuiness I'm interested in, and just a decent income. Give me that and I'll appreciate every day as if it was my last.
Nope. Life says you need to work at these, they're not gifts, they need watering, feeding and maintenance.

Some will wither and die, others will flourish. You will get out more than you put in now and again. Often, you'll get less. But you carry on in the hope that the flourishing ones are rewarding. It's bi-directional.

Dave, you need some self love. I dont mean wking in the corner, I mean you need to look at who you are, you morals, your attributes, your conscience. The good and the bad. When you get to your core, you'll find what you want to like about yourself and see the things you dont like. It's scary, but it's honest and you cant be honest with other people and open yourself up to them til you've got to know what's under there yourself first.

The way you write, you use adverbs (ending in 'ly') a lot. They're either an excuse for not doing something, or they're designed to change the impact of something.

Sadly is a good example. Miserably, Genuinely, Truly, Realistically. These are words you've used in this thread. When you use these words, you're using them in a negative context about yourself. This is your brain telling you that you cant do something and you should feel st about it

It's weird psychobabble. It's someone overanalysing what you're saying, right? Only, everyone thinks this way, and sometimes those words can hurt you. What helped me was thinking 'Hey, brain - thanks for that. Now I'm going to do it anyway and not find an excuse to avoid it'

Leicesterdave

Original Poster:

2,282 posts

179 months

Tuesday 25th November 2014
quotequote all
andy-xr said:
Nope. Life says you need to work at these, they're not gifts, they need watering, feeding and maintenance.

Some will wither and die, others will flourish. You will get out more than you put in now and again. Often, you'll get less. But you carry on in the hope that the flourishing ones are rewarding. It's bi-directional.

Dave, you need some self love. I dont mean wking in the corner, I mean you need to look at who you are, you morals, your attributes, your conscience. The good and the bad. When you get to your core, you'll find what you want to like about yourself and see the things you dont like. It's scary, but it's honest and you cant be honest with other people and open yourself up to them til you've got to know what's under there yourself first.

The way you write, you use adverbs (ending in 'ly') a lot. They're either an excuse for not doing something, or they're designed to change the impact of something.

Sadly is a good example. Miserably, Genuinely, Truly, Realistically. These are words you've used in this thread. When you use these words, you're using them in a negative context about yourself. This is your brain telling you that you cant do something and you should feel st about it

It's weird psychobabble. It's someone overanalysing what you're saying, right? Only, everyone thinks this way, and sometimes those words can hurt you. What helped me was thinking 'Hey, brain - thanks for that. Now I'm going to do it anyway and not find an excuse to avoid it'
You're so bloody right it's frightening. Saying that- it's all easier said than done. I feel like I've tried but I don't have the building blocks to succeed. Some people get through st times with the help of friends, or family or just something. I have very little- so to motivate myself is very very very hard. I have my girlfriend, I know. But still, its so very difficult.

andy-xr

13,204 posts

203 months

Tuesday 25th November 2014
quotequote all
Leicesterdave said:
it's all easier said than done. I feel like I've tried but I don't have the building blocks to succeed. Some people get through st times with the help of friends, or family or just something. I have very little- so to motivate myself is very very very hard. I have my girlfriend, I know. But still, its so very difficult.
You're in an avoidance circle. If you imagine that you're at a fork in the road, on the right hand side is the way you always deal with things, the one that has your coping strategy in it. That could be not sleeping, speaking to people on Pistonheads instead of at the bus stop, looking at car magazines, the odd posh wk. You're still here, so that's worked before, right? Except it hasnt, as you're back where you started and now it's bigger in your mind because you've been here before. So you start again.

If you look to the left, there's all these unknowns. You put yourself up for being vulnerable by trying to make friends. You might look daft. People could think you're weird. But going left might actually start making some changes, and maybe doing the opposite of what you've always done, just because you can is possibly the best way to start dealing with all these 'wants' you have.


Edited by andy-xr on Tuesday 25th November 13:47

Bluebarge

4,519 posts

177 months

Tuesday 25th November 2014
quotequote all
Leicesterdave said:
You're so bloody right it's frightening. Saying that- it's all easier said than done. I feel like I've tried but I don't have the building blocks to succeed. Some people get through st times with the help of friends, or family or just something. I have very little- so to motivate myself is very very very hard. I have my girlfriend, I know. But still, its so very difficult.
No it isn't.

Mate, I get the impression you enjoy feeling sorry for yourself.

You need to get yourself out of the house and do something, anything. Forget the money, do some volunteering (plenty of websites suggesting opportunities) - it will get you meeting people and into a routine; it will be an opportunity to contribute - make someone else happy. Once you have shown you have stuck at something, then you become much more employable.

Your biggest problem is self-pity.

Leicesterdave

Original Poster:

2,282 posts

179 months

Tuesday 25th November 2014
quotequote all
Bluebarge said:
Mate, I get the impression you enjoy feeling sorry for yourself.
No, I really must insist on that. I mean who would enjoy it?