You're 31, with £11,000, and failed miserably in life...

You're 31, with £11,000, and failed miserably in life...

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SHutchinson

2,040 posts

183 months

Wednesday 26th November 2014
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I know you've said that you don't think a gym worked for you, but I think they're pretty lonely places anyway. I think doing some exercise would really get you up and motivated though. I'd recommend joining an outdoor bootcamp. There's millions around and a quick Google shows that Manchester is full of them. You get forced to work with the other people so you can't help but interact with them. It will get you chatting to a variety of people from all different walks of life. All of the ones I've been to have been really social friendly environments with occasional nights out. I've met some pretty great friends through them too.

The added benefit is that you'll be tired on a night so you'll get home and look to make some pretty decent food to refuel then when you hit the sack you'll get a decent sleep.

I got addicted pretty quickly and as a result I now fill my weekends with fun outdoor activities. Fell walking, adventure racing, plain old boozing, weekends away . . . . I've done it all with people I've met through group exercise.

Once you've got that boxed off, scrub your CV up and get a job, that bits easy though.

mjb1

2,552 posts

158 months

Wednesday 26th November 2014
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All the counselling, support, and external help in the world won't help, unless you you want to help yourself. Life is for living, stop looking back at the 10 years you think you've wasted and start looking forward. Don't make excuses for everything.

If you can't get a paid job/don't need one (you seem to be surviving without working long term so far?), go out and do some voluntary work to pass the time. Go round the charity shops and offer your time, I'm sure at least one will bite your hand off. Do it today. It'll look good on your CV, and I'm guessing there's some big gaps in your employment history on there?

You shouldn't have time to sit about moping, feeling depressed - keep yourself busy and there'll be less time for the negative thoughts in your head.

What are your goals, short/mid and long term? It's all well and good having long term goals, but they can seem unachievable/too daunting on their own. So break them down and set yourself some short term ones. Post them up here.

If the gym didn't work, then try something else. I can't blame you - I blame the fad of gym memberships for part of the nations physical health. I mean, how can you make exercise any more boring and soul destroying. Not just hiking, running, swimming, cycling, which is generally a solitary recreation. At the other end of the scale a team sport like football or rugby might be a bit much for your current frame of mind, but it would be a way to make a lot of friends quickly. So how about badminton, racketball or something similar? Easy to get into, you'll meet varied people 1 to 1 or in a small group at a time, and they're indoors, so you can't use the rain/cold as an excuse.

Leicesterdave said:
I have actually applied for a job. It ain't much but I want to move forward. We want to buy a house and just generally move on- so, gradually, I'm trying. It won't happen overnight, and the human race is continually disappointing me but I guess I can either whine forever or just try and get on with things.
I just hope when I get to by called dad (planned for mid next year) I'll be a different person. I don't want my kid to think of me as anything other than their hero.
fk the rest of the human race disappointing you, you need to be a bit selfish and concentrate on yourself first.

Starting a family now is a difficult one. I mean, your missus is the bread winner, and even if you get a job now, you're a long way below her on the career ladder. I'm guessing you won't be able to afford for her to give up work and do all the child care, or that it won't make financial sense to do so. So that means she'll go back to work pretty quickly and you'll be looking after the little one. All this means you must have little motivation to try and build up your career at this stage, as you'll be putting it on hold again before you really get going.

Having a baby for company is probably the worst thing for your current mental state. Unless you make a huge effort, you could rapidly find yourself trapped in the house trying to juggle a baby with the domestic chores. I've seen it happen lots, mainly to women who were perfectly healthy, socially/work active before having a baby, then they turn into recluses and you rarely see them until the child is school age. On the other hand, it could be just the catalyst you need to get you out and about socialising with all the hot milfs, but given your current state of denial I can't see a baby magically altering your mental health for the better.

Just read your post again, "I just hope when I get to by called dad (planned for mid next year)". Sorry, are you planning to adopt or something? That's the only way you're going to be called "Dad" by the middle of next year.

Also, I can't help but think you're very under appreciating your girlfriend with everything you say. She sounds very tolerant and patient with you, but a career change/ starting a family (mega hormones involved here) might change her feelings about you dramatically. She should be your soul mate, your best friend, to the point that you hardly need normal mates (they should be a nicety, rather than something you desperately need, as you appear to). Somehow, you just don't sound that close, although I might have completely misinterpreted your posts.

Sorry if some of the above sounds a bit harsh, but that's just my take on it (and I have spent considerable time with relatives with mental health issues).

crofty1984

15,830 posts

203 months

Wednesday 26th November 2014
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Leicesterdave said:
Easier said than done when confidence is majorly down! These aren't excuses- just how it is.
So decide to make it not how it is. Now.
Do something you have a good chance of not being very good at. Do it, be bad at it, realise it didn't kill any kittens or implode the universe, then give something else a go with the confidence that if you don't manage to do it well it's totally fine*. It sounds like you're terrified of failing. fail a few times and then have the confidence to try something with the attitude of "fk it, I'll give it a bash!".

*I wouldn't recommend skydiving. That's something you want to get at least adequately right first time. Also, surgery on kittens.

WestyCarl

3,217 posts

124 months

Wednesday 26th November 2014
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Small steps;

Go for a 20 min walk 1st thing in the morning before breakfast (even if it's dark, cold and raining)
Do some voluntary work, even if just 2-3hrs / week until you get a job.

After a few weeks these will be the norm then you can extend (maybe run, longer working, etc)

If you don't do anything, nothing will change, DO SOMETHING shoot

Impasse

15,099 posts

240 months

Wednesday 26th November 2014
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Please, none of you give up your day job to counsel those with mental health issues. I know you all mean well, but your grasp of the human mind is shockingly simplistic and what I'm reading here amounts to no more than "man up" or "pull yourself together" etc.

LD, seek professional help either via your GP or through a privately funded counsellor. Directory Clicky. PH can be a good outlet but there are no cures for your illness to be found here.

Matt UK

17,649 posts

199 months

Wednesday 26th November 2014
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Volunteering in your area? I helped clear an area for a path in a park some time back.

Met some new people, talked about weather, mud, wheelbarrows, had some laughs about nothing in particular and a few of us stopped at the pub on the corner for a well earned pint. I thought it good fun and I was physically quite tired by the end of the day and so slept well that night. There's also the natural feel-good factor of helping out and contributing, no matter how big or small.

As a volunteer you are always in demand - so your choice to go back or swerve it. Might be a step in the right direction for you, but as per the post above, I'm no expert.

Low risk though. But if you hate it by 9.30am, you just say 'thanks guys, really sorry but something has come up and I need to go now'.

Matt UK

17,649 posts

199 months

Wednesday 26th November 2014
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Also, sorry Dave but you're 31 and say you have failed miserably in life? hehe

Sorry to laugh bud, but that is a tender age to judge your life. Mucho time ahead for you to make whatever choices you want grasshopper biggrin

xRIEx

8,180 posts

147 months

Wednesday 26th November 2014
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Leicesterdave said:
Easier said than done when confidence is majorly down! These aren't excuses- just how it is.
Andy isn't exactly wrong, although such a direct challenge to someone's perception is never easy for anyone to take.

I think I'm in a very similar situation to you, the only difference is after nearly 3 years of therapy I now (mostly) understand when I'm putting up my own barriers - I haven't brown all of them down yet, but I see them.

These barriers are real - to you. They form part of your understanding of the world and the people in it. The work comes from altering your perception.

Driller

8,310 posts

277 months

Wednesday 26th November 2014
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OP sorry to hear about your situation. A perfectionist trait can be a major cause of problems (speaking from experience!). You have to realise that it's just not reasonable/practical to put so much pressure on yourself to do everything perfectly. You can never succeed with this and so will never be happy.

You don't have to be shoddy but try to tone it down a hit and you'll find it helps a lot especially with procrastination smile

TheJimi

24,863 posts

242 months

Wednesday 26th November 2014
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Outstanding post clap

Leicesterdave

Original Poster:

2,282 posts

179 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Simblade- very informative post. I can't disagree with any of it. I was particularly impressed with the meetup.com bit- it's exactly what I was looking for!
The biggest issue I face is people in general. I can't figure out whether it's because I feel depressed or people in general have changed. Growing up I was an extremely popular kid. I was invited to parties on a weekly basis, had a ton of female attention and had a good number of friends. It was easy to make friends and you felt you could count on them.

Since I moved to the UK things have changed (and I haven't always been depressed!). I find people extremely self centred and selfish. No one seems to give a damn, its all very 'me me me', what have you bought, is it better and more expensive than mine etc etc...

Where are the real people? The people that 'feel', the people who love living life for everything it has to offer, not just the shops and this horrid society of mass consumerism? If it's not about what you possess it's about how much you drink. Which is yet another issue i've found in the UK- I love good food and a bit of a drink but that's it- I don't drink to get drunk. Seems to be an alien concept here!

I mean don't get me wrong, I love a good trip to the shops, I'm not anti spending, far from it but I just cannot seem to meet people with anything close to my views. Maybe they are very warped...

SHutchinson

2,040 posts

183 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Leicesterdave said:
Simblade- very informative post. I can't disagree with any of it. I was particularly impressed with the meetup.com bit- it's exactly what I was looking for!
The biggest issue I face is people in general. I can't figure out whether it's because I feel depressed or people in general have changed. Growing up I was an extremely popular kid. I was invited to parties on a weekly basis, had a ton of female attention and had a good number of friends. It was easy to make friends and you felt you could count on them.

Since I moved to the UK things have changed (and I haven't always been depressed!). I find people extremely self centred and selfish. No one seems to give a damn, its all very 'me me me', what have you bought, is it better and more expensive than mine etc etc...

Where are the real people? The people that 'feel', the people who love living life for everything it has to offer, not just the shops and this horrid society of mass consumerism? If it's not about what you possess it's about how much you drink. Which is yet another issue i've found in the UK- I love good food and a bit of a drink but that's it- I don't drink to get drunk. Seems to be an alien concept here!

I mean don't get me wrong, I love a good trip to the shops, I'm not anti spending, far from it but I just cannot seem to meet people with anything close to my views. Maybe they are very warped...
Are you watching too much TV or something? None of my friends are like that. I might know people like that, but they aren't friends. None of the people I met at bootcamp are like that either. Speaking of which, are you booked on to a session tonight? Dust your trainers off, you'll have fun and it'll get you out of the house. ;-)

226bhp

10,203 posts

127 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Some questions/points LD:

Have you ever been employed, what did you do, what do you want to do?

What does your OH really think of all this? Does she help? Does she want to help? They usually: A. Don't understand and leave or B. Try to understand and help. Maybe she's somewhere in between?

I was going to suggest the Meetup thing, but someone already has, it does work and there are so many diverse groups on there, you could find a French speaking one.

You say you can't sleep - that's probably because you aren't tiring yourself out during the day. Go out and do something, the Meetup walking groups are great for this (these are the ones which worked for me, they got me out of the house, some exercise and meeting a variety of people.

There are some genuinely decent people out there, but you need to get out and find them, you won't do that by staying in!

If you can't drag yourself out of it see your GP or see your GP then try to drag yourself out of it, personally I would try the former first.

I'm hoping some kind soul from around your way (Manchester) will contact you and offer to take you for a beer or whatever, I'm too far away or would have offered.





Edited by 226bhp on Thursday 27th November 09:11

226bhp

10,203 posts

127 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Impasse said:
Please, none of you give up your day job to counsel those with mental health issues. I know you all mean well, but your grasp of the human mind is shockingly simplistic and what I'm reading here amounts to no more than "man up" or "pull yourself together" etc.

LD, seek professional help either via your GP or through a privately funded counsellor. Directory Clicky. PH can be a good outlet but there are no cures for your illness to be found here.
I know what you are saying, but you can only advise on the back of your own story, yours will be different to everyone elses so it's wrong to suggest everyone is wrong and you are right.

Everyones story is different and everyone responds differently to the various types of treatment.

You appear to have set yourself up as a 'lifer' and seem to enjoy wallowing in the self pity, but for some the light at the end of the tunnel (whilst very dim) has not been switched off yet.

Impasse

15,099 posts

240 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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I too think it's a good idea to launch an unnecessary attack on someone offering sound advice based on experience. thumbup

Leicesterdave

Original Poster:

2,282 posts

179 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Simblade said:
My advice is all based on peer reviewed research.

On the other hand if he was my mate I'd tell him to hit the gym for 6 weeks hard then go travelling solo for as long as the money lasts minus a small cushion until you get a new job on your return. Your only young once fella and if you go and get about it for more than a few weeks you'll see how cool the world is and how quickly your problems can go away when your doing Martial arts in Thailand, sky diving in Prague, paragliding in Rio or balls deep in a Canadian student on a beach in Croatia.

If you've lost ten years of your life to depression that is a travesty, don't waste another 10,20,30....
It's what I'd consider if I was single- but I'm not!

SHutchinson

2,040 posts

183 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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What have you got planned for today LD?

Just curious really.

Leicesterdave

Original Poster:

2,282 posts

179 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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SHutchinson said:
What have you got planned for today LD?

Just curious really.
Just going into town really. The noise of it all helps. Library to read today's paper. Tomorrow 9.30am is interview day though! (for a dead end 9-5 it has to be said!)

xRIEx

8,180 posts

147 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Leicesterdave said:
SHutchinson said:
What have you got planned for today LD?

Just curious really.
Just going into town really. The noise of it all helps. Library to read today's paper. Tomorrow 9.30am is interview day though! (for a dead end 9-5 it has to be said!)
Good luck!

Dr Interceptor

7,743 posts

195 months

Thursday 27th November 2014
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Leicesterdave said:
SHutchinson said:
What have you got planned for today LD?

Just curious really.
Just going into town really. The noise of it all helps. Library to read today's paper. Tomorrow 9.30am is interview day though! (for a dead end 9-5 it has to be said!)
Don't think of it as a dead-end job. Think of it as a new start, a new future, the start of the rest of your life, and a way to a means to an end.