Ive hit rock bottom hold me guy's!
Discussion
OP,
Take my advice and take this to a professional.
There's no shame in taking antidepressants (I'm on them myself) even it it can be hard adjusting to them.
A visit to a supervised mental health facility might also be a sensible move.
I have some knowledge about what you're going through and how you can deal with it, if you want to talk privately I'll pm you my phone number once I get to a computer later this evening.
It's a good thing you posted on this forum - they've been very helpful to me back in July and they can of no doubt be of support to you, too.
Take my advice and take this to a professional.
There's no shame in taking antidepressants (I'm on them myself) even it it can be hard adjusting to them.
A visit to a supervised mental health facility might also be a sensible move.
I have some knowledge about what you're going through and how you can deal with it, if you want to talk privately I'll pm you my phone number once I get to a computer later this evening.
It's a good thing you posted on this forum - they've been very helpful to me back in July and they can of no doubt be of support to you, too.
Thoughts are with you OP.
PH has proven time and time again, its good at these things, if you ever feel alone or need a word come here as has been said before its 24/7.
Dont be afraid to contact your doctor or any of the support groups mentioned before, they will provide the support to get you through this.
If you need anything op, just ask.
PH has proven time and time again, its good at these things, if you ever feel alone or need a word come here as has been said before its 24/7.
Dont be afraid to contact your doctor or any of the support groups mentioned before, they will provide the support to get you through this.
If you need anything op, just ask.
So very sorry to hear of your loss mate.
I was rock bottom when my mother died 6 yrs ago and like you i pondered on little things like, why didn't i make more of an effort to go shopping with her, simple things like that played on my mind...a lot...but that is just part of our make up, as though we are trying to blame ourselves for the whole scenario, which of course is crazy and totally off the mark.
I have very little memory of the first 4-5 days after she died but one thing i do remember is going through her phone book and talking to all of her friends and this helped release all of the emotion.
The thing that pulled me through it all was my buying my Dog 2 weeks after she died.
I have no idea if you are in anyway a Doggy person but hand on heart i sometimes wonder if i would be here now if i hadn't of took him home with me.
I guess the point i am trying to make is that there is a light at the end of that tunnel, no matter how small or dim it may appear to be now, it will get brighter and you just need to find any catalyst that gets you closer to it.
Talk to everyone you know, whenever you feel the need, no matter what time of the day or night it is, trust me, your friends and family will understand and never, ever bottle your emotions up, if you want to cry your eyes out then go right ahead!...i have memories of bumping into mums friends in Tesco's and sobbing like a baby.
Most importantly, remember we are all here for each other on this website and that's what makes this forum so very special.
You have my sincerest condolences OP and from one who has been to that point you are now at, it does and will become easier and we are all here to catch you if you fall, never forget or doubt that.
I was rock bottom when my mother died 6 yrs ago and like you i pondered on little things like, why didn't i make more of an effort to go shopping with her, simple things like that played on my mind...a lot...but that is just part of our make up, as though we are trying to blame ourselves for the whole scenario, which of course is crazy and totally off the mark.
I have very little memory of the first 4-5 days after she died but one thing i do remember is going through her phone book and talking to all of her friends and this helped release all of the emotion.
The thing that pulled me through it all was my buying my Dog 2 weeks after she died.
I have no idea if you are in anyway a Doggy person but hand on heart i sometimes wonder if i would be here now if i hadn't of took him home with me.
I guess the point i am trying to make is that there is a light at the end of that tunnel, no matter how small or dim it may appear to be now, it will get brighter and you just need to find any catalyst that gets you closer to it.
Talk to everyone you know, whenever you feel the need, no matter what time of the day or night it is, trust me, your friends and family will understand and never, ever bottle your emotions up, if you want to cry your eyes out then go right ahead!...i have memories of bumping into mums friends in Tesco's and sobbing like a baby.
Most importantly, remember we are all here for each other on this website and that's what makes this forum so very special.
You have my sincerest condolences OP and from one who has been to that point you are now at, it does and will become easier and we are all here to catch you if you fall, never forget or doubt that.
I can't even imagine how you feel, I went through a much milder situation a few years back where I lost (as in split up not died) a relationship that brought me to my knees, I also chucked a job I hated and lived my life albeit at times dealing with big downers doing what I wanted, all I can say is it would have really helped if someone had made an offer similar to mine below, sometimes just having something to do when your down helps.
If your stuck on xmas day and want a dinner and drink and live anywhere near Yorkshire your welcome round ours, bring a bottle and we will find you a sofa. Likewise if you want to play with some rotten old cars one weekend or go for a round of clays or even a pint drop me a PM.
They are a good bunch on here when you need help, I've been helped a couple of times, it's just nice to be able to offer to pay it back.
If your stuck on xmas day and want a dinner and drink and live anywhere near Yorkshire your welcome round ours, bring a bottle and we will find you a sofa. Likewise if you want to play with some rotten old cars one weekend or go for a round of clays or even a pint drop me a PM.
They are a good bunch on here when you need help, I've been helped a couple of times, it's just nice to be able to offer to pay it back.
Been there - for me it happened 6 years ago and its only been in the last 6 months that I reached the final stage of grieving when you start to look forward and actually plan things for the future.
Its a long uphill struggle to be sure and there is no shame in making your grieving public. Blokes are just too good at bottling it up. Girls cry publicly, but I've got news for you - real men do too when they have had the courage to say they have loved as deeply as you have.
I took up an offer of free councelling with CRUSE and was told by a friend that that in itself is a major step forward having the strength to face up to speak to somebody privately and do something positive to move forward. I recommend it - they are in the phone book and it helps to share your feelings with them. They know exactly what is going through your mind as they have seen it many times before and they can point you in the right direction.
There are a few on here who have suffered in a similar way and can offer advice and experience but be strong and you will make it.
Its a long uphill struggle to be sure and there is no shame in making your grieving public. Blokes are just too good at bottling it up. Girls cry publicly, but I've got news for you - real men do too when they have had the courage to say they have loved as deeply as you have.
I took up an offer of free councelling with CRUSE and was told by a friend that that in itself is a major step forward having the strength to face up to speak to somebody privately and do something positive to move forward. I recommend it - they are in the phone book and it helps to share your feelings with them. They know exactly what is going through your mind as they have seen it many times before and they can point you in the right direction.
There are a few on here who have suffered in a similar way and can offer advice and experience but be strong and you will make it.
TBK, where does one even begin to start addressing what you write about?
I lost my wife four years ago. The circumstances were different to yours, but the loss you describe in your words comes across as so scarily painful and raw as to have been written by me in the days after her death.
I will be utterly up front and honest with you in what I write as there is absolutely no point in platitudes or sugaring what is the most unbearable of things to endure when your love one is lost to you.
These days can only be endured. For now and in the following days and weeks, life can only be lived moment by moment. The days that you describe as being in utter despair will seem relentless and at times you will physically ache with loss and the grief that cannot be expressed in any way other than raw, physical and emotional pain. It is the bitterest rites of passage that grief and raw shock bring - and what you describe is raw shock. I think you are still in that initial shock of disbelief that it is all too much and unbearable to make sense of. Part of that is all the mind searching for answers. 'What if', 'if only'... they all become the way your mind is trying to process and place context around what has happened to you, your lass and your life together.
I did what you did. I used to look in the car mirror and see couples in the car behind and it would make my heart ache with loss. Seeing others happy and smiling seemed to magnify my own loss .. and it went on for many months.
The grief that you describe does have an end. It won't be for a while yet and it's not a one day change, but a subtle and discrete set of tiny changes that impact the way life is for you. You will find your own answer to the 'what if' questions - it's part of that trial and error process of working through your own feelings, thoughts and emotions. In that, you have to trust yourself and know that your mind will find its own way to balance your loss with living your life.
There are many many steps forwards in your life journey. This is the hardest path you will ever take in life, but, it is a path that will in part define you for the rest of your life. For a while you may define yourself as a 'widower'. You may have the urge to tell anyone and everyone about your lady and how wonderful she was and how she made you feel. Go with it. Do it. Those who love you and care for you will never tire of hearing those words and they will help you. You keep alive in all you do, her memory. For me, I see my lass as becoming an immortal. I close my eyes and see her as she was. She will never age and I can reach out and touch her just as she always was and will always remain the same.
One of the very practical things I found to do when I had those thoughts about 'what if' was to actually have that conversation with myself out loud. Once I gave those thoughts voice I could address them and being able to find my own answers helped me process. Maybe try it. See what happens. I used to say out loud things like 'I miss you'. I still do. But now it feels different whereas before it used to ache inside and make me feel sick to the core of my being.
Grief takes as long as it takes. It can't be short-cutted, but it does change and as you change and life takes on a different perspective, you will find your way forwards again. For now, think of life in a holding pattern. But it won't always be this way. Try and eat well and try and sleep and try not to turn night in to day... I know, easier said than done, but lack of sleep makes it worse. But don't stay in bed all day either. That is not good and not healthy.
Take care of yourself.
I lost my wife four years ago. The circumstances were different to yours, but the loss you describe in your words comes across as so scarily painful and raw as to have been written by me in the days after her death.
I will be utterly up front and honest with you in what I write as there is absolutely no point in platitudes or sugaring what is the most unbearable of things to endure when your love one is lost to you.
These days can only be endured. For now and in the following days and weeks, life can only be lived moment by moment. The days that you describe as being in utter despair will seem relentless and at times you will physically ache with loss and the grief that cannot be expressed in any way other than raw, physical and emotional pain. It is the bitterest rites of passage that grief and raw shock bring - and what you describe is raw shock. I think you are still in that initial shock of disbelief that it is all too much and unbearable to make sense of. Part of that is all the mind searching for answers. 'What if', 'if only'... they all become the way your mind is trying to process and place context around what has happened to you, your lass and your life together.
I did what you did. I used to look in the car mirror and see couples in the car behind and it would make my heart ache with loss. Seeing others happy and smiling seemed to magnify my own loss .. and it went on for many months.
The grief that you describe does have an end. It won't be for a while yet and it's not a one day change, but a subtle and discrete set of tiny changes that impact the way life is for you. You will find your own answer to the 'what if' questions - it's part of that trial and error process of working through your own feelings, thoughts and emotions. In that, you have to trust yourself and know that your mind will find its own way to balance your loss with living your life.
There are many many steps forwards in your life journey. This is the hardest path you will ever take in life, but, it is a path that will in part define you for the rest of your life. For a while you may define yourself as a 'widower'. You may have the urge to tell anyone and everyone about your lady and how wonderful she was and how she made you feel. Go with it. Do it. Those who love you and care for you will never tire of hearing those words and they will help you. You keep alive in all you do, her memory. For me, I see my lass as becoming an immortal. I close my eyes and see her as she was. She will never age and I can reach out and touch her just as she always was and will always remain the same.
One of the very practical things I found to do when I had those thoughts about 'what if' was to actually have that conversation with myself out loud. Once I gave those thoughts voice I could address them and being able to find my own answers helped me process. Maybe try it. See what happens. I used to say out loud things like 'I miss you'. I still do. But now it feels different whereas before it used to ache inside and make me feel sick to the core of my being.
Grief takes as long as it takes. It can't be short-cutted, but it does change and as you change and life takes on a different perspective, you will find your way forwards again. For now, think of life in a holding pattern. But it won't always be this way. Try and eat well and try and sleep and try not to turn night in to day... I know, easier said than done, but lack of sleep makes it worse. But don't stay in bed all day either. That is not good and not healthy.
Take care of yourself.
Terrible news mate; awfull reading about it and can't imagine being there.
Having a tough time of it after a breakup a few weeks back; not comparable but as others have said talking about it really helps. On here, with friends and family.
I would also suggest going to see your GP, even if it just means getting some help to get a bit more sleep or being able to cope better with the days.
Hang in there mate.
Having a tough time of it after a breakup a few weeks back; not comparable but as others have said talking about it really helps. On here, with friends and family.
I would also suggest going to see your GP, even if it just means getting some help to get a bit more sleep or being able to cope better with the days.
Hang in there mate.
I can not be more thankful for the replies, the guys who offered me to come round theirs on Christmas literately have brought tears to my eyes, Fortunately i have family i will see but the fact that people have seriously offered made me shed a tear. Im holding onto that light at the end of the tunnel, Some times i catch my self falling into bad negative thoughts but somehow im managing to hang in there. The story's of people going though rough times themselves have been very touching and encouraging. I never thought the replies from an internet forum would help so much in a situation like this. Thank you all.
First off my sympathies
Secondly, there is no shame as others have said in going to the Dr's and asking for help, it doesn't always come in the shape of a pill. There will be specialist counsellors and people who can help you just by talking. The Dr will be able to help you in loads of ways.
Don't rule out the Anti Depressants. I've been on Anti Depressants for the last few months, I was sceptical at first, but I thought well I wont know if they help unless I try them. They didn't fix me over night but they did help me. Completely different situation to you. But at the time I was in a very bad place.
Keep talking and do ask for help. The firs step in asking for help is always the hardest, and you've done that already by talking / posting it about things here.
Time is a great healer, you will get through this, it probably doesnt seem like it now, but you will.
Secondly, there is no shame as others have said in going to the Dr's and asking for help, it doesn't always come in the shape of a pill. There will be specialist counsellors and people who can help you just by talking. The Dr will be able to help you in loads of ways.
Don't rule out the Anti Depressants. I've been on Anti Depressants for the last few months, I was sceptical at first, but I thought well I wont know if they help unless I try them. They didn't fix me over night but they did help me. Completely different situation to you. But at the time I was in a very bad place.
Keep talking and do ask for help. The firs step in asking for help is always the hardest, and you've done that already by talking / posting it about things here.
Time is a great healer, you will get through this, it probably doesnt seem like it now, but you will.
TheBurgerKing said:
I never thought the replies from an internet forum would help so much in a situation like this.
It isn't what one expects, but it is what one finds.Just remember that talking can truly be a lifesaver, and you are not alone even if you feel that way.
Depression, despair, loneliness, fear, they all sneak up on you, close on you, choke you; but the thing is once you realise you feel it closing in, that's the point when you are almost through that period of it, and sometimes all it can take to clear your mind for a time is one good conversation with someone to relieve the burden, or one good read of one of the legendary threads/various joke and humour threads to make you laugh it off, or a read of another poster's tale of woe that makes you feel a level of empathy for them and a sense of not being alone for yourself as you already see.
Just take it one step at a time, and keep your mind focused on what is good.
OP, just a few short comments which won't really help at the moment but will ring true when you look back in a few months time.
Firstly, there is no right or wrong way to deal with the grief - particularly in the first few weeks. Everyone is different and you should just do what feels right. Anti-depressants are fine for some, and not for others. Many people benefit from counselling, some people do not. Some people shut themselves away and some surround themselves with family and friends. Just go with the flow and do whatever feels right for you at the time.
Secondly, it may sound really corny, but time is genuinely a healer. The raw grief you're currently feeling doesn't last forever and does slowly ease over time. If it was possible to fast-forward 12 months, you'd see what I mean.
Thirdly - and this may sound harsh (it's not meant to) - don't expect to get over your loss. You never get over the loss of a loved one, particularly when their death is sudden and unexpected. What you will do, though, is learn to live with it. You'll find your own coping mechanisms, and you'll get through it. Time is the biggest factor in learning to live with your loss, because it's a very gradual process. In a few weeks time, you'll have a day where, for about half an hour, your attention is taken up with something (work, a hobby, a film, a drive out - it could be anything) and for that half an hour, you won't think about your loss. These half hours will come slowly at first, and then get more frequent, and longer, until you're living a relatively normal life again. The grief never goes completely, but it blends into the background because fourthly...
Life goes on. Its difficult at first to see people around you going about their daily lives, oblivious to your pain. Do they not know? Have they no idea? Well, no, they probably don't. It's very difficult to understand people's petty squabbles and complaints when you're grieving, because everything else pales into insignificance. But life does go on, and that fact will help you get through.
Fifthly, some people may find it difficult to talk to you. Some may even avoid you. In many people's minds there are some magic words which should make you feel instantly better, but because they don't know these mythical magic words, they will avoid you because they do not know what to say. Don't be upset or offended - they just don't know what to do and will come back to you given time.
Some other people will say to you "I know exactly how you must feel". They do not. You should forgive these people too. They may be ignorant of your grief, but they do not intend to hurt you and they are well meaning - it just won't feel like it at the time.
I lost my sister aged 20 in a road accident 20 years ago. I also lost my Mum 6 weeks ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly, and I'm still grieving both losses. One thing which comes out of a devastating loss is the unexpected kindness of people and a real tightening of your relationships with others. I've become closer to my Dad in the last 6 weeks than I think I've ever been & I'm back in touch with people I haven't seen in years. It hasn't lessened the pain, but it has reminded me how much good there is in people.
Oh, and finally...
MX5.
Because Pistonheads.
Firstly, there is no right or wrong way to deal with the grief - particularly in the first few weeks. Everyone is different and you should just do what feels right. Anti-depressants are fine for some, and not for others. Many people benefit from counselling, some people do not. Some people shut themselves away and some surround themselves with family and friends. Just go with the flow and do whatever feels right for you at the time.
Secondly, it may sound really corny, but time is genuinely a healer. The raw grief you're currently feeling doesn't last forever and does slowly ease over time. If it was possible to fast-forward 12 months, you'd see what I mean.
Thirdly - and this may sound harsh (it's not meant to) - don't expect to get over your loss. You never get over the loss of a loved one, particularly when their death is sudden and unexpected. What you will do, though, is learn to live with it. You'll find your own coping mechanisms, and you'll get through it. Time is the biggest factor in learning to live with your loss, because it's a very gradual process. In a few weeks time, you'll have a day where, for about half an hour, your attention is taken up with something (work, a hobby, a film, a drive out - it could be anything) and for that half an hour, you won't think about your loss. These half hours will come slowly at first, and then get more frequent, and longer, until you're living a relatively normal life again. The grief never goes completely, but it blends into the background because fourthly...
Life goes on. Its difficult at first to see people around you going about their daily lives, oblivious to your pain. Do they not know? Have they no idea? Well, no, they probably don't. It's very difficult to understand people's petty squabbles and complaints when you're grieving, because everything else pales into insignificance. But life does go on, and that fact will help you get through.
Fifthly, some people may find it difficult to talk to you. Some may even avoid you. In many people's minds there are some magic words which should make you feel instantly better, but because they don't know these mythical magic words, they will avoid you because they do not know what to say. Don't be upset or offended - they just don't know what to do and will come back to you given time.
Some other people will say to you "I know exactly how you must feel". They do not. You should forgive these people too. They may be ignorant of your grief, but they do not intend to hurt you and they are well meaning - it just won't feel like it at the time.
I lost my sister aged 20 in a road accident 20 years ago. I also lost my Mum 6 weeks ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly, and I'm still grieving both losses. One thing which comes out of a devastating loss is the unexpected kindness of people and a real tightening of your relationships with others. I've become closer to my Dad in the last 6 weeks than I think I've ever been & I'm back in touch with people I haven't seen in years. It hasn't lessened the pain, but it has reminded me how much good there is in people.
Oh, and finally...
MX5.
Because Pistonheads.
BurgerKing, keep your head up high. So sorry for your loss but this is not the end mate, you're only 29 and still have an entire life ahead of you.
Not that it's anything like what you're suffering but I get depression pretty bad and sometimes struggle to deal with it, in my 'high' points when I'm having a decent time, a good laugh or even just achieve something great, it suddenly hits you how lucky you've been to live through that particular day. Those moments will come again for you!
Not that it's anything like what you're suffering but I get depression pretty bad and sometimes struggle to deal with it, in my 'high' points when I'm having a decent time, a good laugh or even just achieve something great, it suddenly hits you how lucky you've been to live through that particular day. Those moments will come again for you!
I don't have much to add to this that others haven't already said. Just wanted to add to the well-wishing here, and remind you that you're not alone.
Post on PH any time of day, there will always be someone here, it's a bit like a slightly dirty Samaritans in that way.
Make sure you eat properly and get some rest, even if sleep is a struggle, you'll find that if you get more and more tired then it'll be harder to deal with things.
Post on PH any time of day, there will always be someone here, it's a bit like a slightly dirty Samaritans in that way.
Make sure you eat properly and get some rest, even if sleep is a struggle, you'll find that if you get more and more tired then it'll be harder to deal with things.
TheBurgerKing said:
..I've never felt pain like this in my life ... words can honestly not describe this pain.
I can't even belive i came onto piston heads to pour my heart out but i have nobody else to talk to, i don't want to resort to going to the doctors and taking pills to cover the pain i refuse to start drinking and taking drugs my partner would never want to see me like that.
However hard it is right now, however useless and vain and pointless everything you have may feel, what you've writen here is the cry of a sound mind. You are preserving your insight, you know deep inside what will matter to your and your partner's memory and, and in that you will come through. I can't even belive i came onto piston heads to pour my heart out but i have nobody else to talk to, i don't want to resort to going to the doctors and taking pills to cover the pain i refuse to start drinking and taking drugs my partner would never want to see me like that.
And insofar as the anonymous 'we' can, we'll listen and support you.
Don't ever be afraid of seeking professional help or counselling. Personally I'd much rather you go before you need it, even realise it's not for you perhaps - rather than too late.
Forza TheBurgerKing
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