Ive hit rock bottom hold me guy's!
Discussion
Op, I am truly sorry to hear of your loss 
and can't add can't add any other advice as it's already been done by the others on here, truly a great bunch on here when you need them the most 
I had my darkest day a few weeks back, (very different from yours) but like you I aired it on here and looking back over the last couple of weeks am really glad I did! You will get great advice on here, (and in private message form aswell) and I'm sure it will really, really help!
It has helped me no end, and in time I am certain it will help you aswell. Don't bottle it up, pour it out on here and hopefully we can all help you out a little bit
If you want a chat, or a beer please pm me,
Take care
and can't add can't add any other advice as it's already been done by the others on here, truly a great bunch on here when you need them the most I had my darkest day a few weeks back, (very different from yours) but like you I aired it on here and looking back over the last couple of weeks am really glad I did! You will get great advice on here, (and in private message form aswell) and I'm sure it will really, really help!
It has helped me no end, and in time I am certain it will help you aswell. Don't bottle it up, pour it out on here and hopefully we can all help you out a little bit
If you want a chat, or a beer please pm me,
Take care
Condolences BurgerKing life can be cruel,
loss of a loved one is the worst pain for me anyway, of all the broken bones, beatings, and injury's I've suffered its the worst, physical pain is no issue I'll suffer on, but loss is all the bad feelings at once it gets on top of you
I went out with a lass for 3years, had plans to propose the lot things where going nicely, then one day I got a txt saying its off, WTF? afew days later got chatting and she told me all sorts but none made sense, now I have to add that she had had a brain tumour removed when she was 16 and we had made trips to her surgeon for check-ups in France, anyway months later I herd her obituary on the local radio station, I still don't know how I feel about that? but it turned out the last check up had showed something and she was requested back to France but it had spread to much and she was gone in a matter of weeks, I remember afew conversations we had where she insisted she wouldn't put a partner through dealing with treatment and scans and all the horrible parts of cancer and always thought it was odd but kinda relevant when sitting in waiting rooms, I always said I'd do it for her but it seems she decided it her way, which I have to admire but still its a lot to deal with when your 21 and it messed me up big time,
I had the same I wish this I wish that remembering some of the silly arguments we had still makes me feel stupid but we always take things/people for granted, I wasn't to know that day would come people argue, but it was what it was and I'm glad for what we had, If I think to much ''it gets dusty in here'' but her smile and all the good times we had, all the times we done things she wanted and experiences good or bad I wouldn't of had had I not met her are part of me and I'm happy for the time we had,
10/dec the same year I got a call in work to say one of the lads was missing, Didn't think much at the start but it turned out he'd been crushed at work, they found bits of his jacket sticking out of a machine, he was an exceptional person one in a billion and cut down in his prime, that still f*cks with me and a lot of other guys and gals I know, anytime I jack a car/van anything heavy up it reminds me of him, Its s
t but what can I do but try remember the good times
st I could go on an on but time dose seems to ease the pain, I dealt with things my way and to be honest yeah I'm not fully nuts but came close I assure you and same as usual I'm half the size I was I lost about 4stone that I just cant find, anyway I got to here 7years later things mightn't be perfect but I get by, I've been with my current partner 4years and were kind of unbreakable we have our flaws but were happy, doesn't help that the Celtic tiger decided to st all over the country but we live in hope eh!
Surround yourself with good people be they family or friends, and try not to be alone to much, try keep your mind occupied and don't feel like a pansy for asking or needing help! your only human, Being in the countryside seeing wildlife helped me for some reason, squirrels and foxes going about there business while the big bad world is elsewhere,that's probably got a lot to do with how my mind works though
again condolences OP and don't be afraid to talk or ask for help, your GP or councillors are there to help
loss of a loved one is the worst pain for me anyway, of all the broken bones, beatings, and injury's I've suffered its the worst, physical pain is no issue I'll suffer on, but loss is all the bad feelings at once it gets on top of you
I went out with a lass for 3years, had plans to propose the lot things where going nicely, then one day I got a txt saying its off, WTF? afew days later got chatting and she told me all sorts but none made sense, now I have to add that she had had a brain tumour removed when she was 16 and we had made trips to her surgeon for check-ups in France, anyway months later I herd her obituary on the local radio station, I still don't know how I feel about that? but it turned out the last check up had showed something and she was requested back to France but it had spread to much and she was gone in a matter of weeks, I remember afew conversations we had where she insisted she wouldn't put a partner through dealing with treatment and scans and all the horrible parts of cancer and always thought it was odd but kinda relevant when sitting in waiting rooms, I always said I'd do it for her but it seems she decided it her way, which I have to admire but still its a lot to deal with when your 21 and it messed me up big time,
I had the same I wish this I wish that remembering some of the silly arguments we had still makes me feel stupid but we always take things/people for granted, I wasn't to know that day would come people argue, but it was what it was and I'm glad for what we had, If I think to much ''it gets dusty in here'' but her smile and all the good times we had, all the times we done things she wanted and experiences good or bad I wouldn't of had had I not met her are part of me and I'm happy for the time we had,
10/dec the same year I got a call in work to say one of the lads was missing, Didn't think much at the start but it turned out he'd been crushed at work, they found bits of his jacket sticking out of a machine, he was an exceptional person one in a billion and cut down in his prime, that still f*cks with me and a lot of other guys and gals I know, anytime I jack a car/van anything heavy up it reminds me of him, Its s
t but what can I do but try remember the good times s
t I could go on an on but time dose seems to ease the pain, I dealt with things my way and to be honest yeah I'm not fully nuts but came close I assure you and same as usual I'm half the size I was I lost about 4stone that I just cant find, anyway I got to here 7years later things mightn't be perfect but I get by, I've been with my current partner 4years and were kind of unbreakable we have our flaws but were happy, doesn't help that the Celtic tiger decided to st all over the country but we live in hope eh!Surround yourself with good people be they family or friends, and try not to be alone to much, try keep your mind occupied and don't feel like a pansy for asking or needing help! your only human, Being in the countryside seeing wildlife helped me for some reason, squirrels and foxes going about there business while the big bad world is elsewhere,that's probably got a lot to do with how my mind works though
again condolences OP and don't be afraid to talk or ask for help, your GP or councillors are there to help
My condolences, OP, I've been widowed twice now (and still only 44!). Much good info upthread, it must be said, especially the posts by drivin me nuts and R U LOCAL
Isaac Hunt has mentioned other things - such as there is no 'standard' timescale for anyone to "get over it", and that simple unexpected things like a song on the radio can - and will! - stop you dead in your tracks when you least expect it.
This will sound like I'm at the end of my rope and have got the loft hatch open, but... It never ends, it never leaves you; it becomes more manageable, but the loss never goes away. The moment we lose someone, life just changes - it looks and smells the same, but there is someone missing which feeling is intangible and cannot be defined but is very blunt.
I describe it like this (I've posted very similar before):
Imagine going to bed tonight then waking up in the morning - to find that the main language spoken by everyone has changed overnight and the currency has also changed overnight, without anyone telling you? The streets are the same, the cars the same, the houses the same etc - but you can't make yourself understood and can't work out why the shops won't accept your money. Grieving really can feel this isolating... It can be worked out eventually, but only over time
.
Alternatively, for a simple comparison, imagine going on holiday to hot European climes then finding that the shops shut for 4 hours in the afternoon and no-one will explain what's going on (they just give knowing smirks and politely laugh at your ignorance)...
My second wife Helen passed away in hospital 25 weeks ago tomorrow in hospital after 18 months of ill health (following a minor operation which went wrong and then her GPs' inability to do their job properly), and the six month anniversary of her passing is (date-wise) on Christmas Eve (it's also 6 years on the same day since she had a miscarriage following IVF - I'm not looking forward to Christmas Eve this year!). I can look back and see how I have made inroads into my grieving for her over this time; I am a functional person able to hold down a job, socialise and so on - and I fully appreciate that I have a LONG way to go before I will have got even near to some sort of recovery from this.
My first wife Wendy passed away in February 2003 after some months of illness leading to a terminal stay in ICU (she had a fault in her DNA, which was a surprise after I had married her). I didn't really acknowledge this, and it took a significant toll on my health until I had bereavement counselling (from Occy Health at work) after a year.
I now know - having learned from mourning for Wendy - to acknowledge "the feelings" when they arise (it could be a song on the radio or in a shop, or seeing a particular programme on the TV that Helen would have liked, or - well - anything random really!), and to embrace them if I am able (generally, not in a public place). I find myself hearing or seeing something and thinking "I must tell Helen that!", I suppose (with experience) I always will now...
I've lost where I am going with this (sorry!
) - but I think I am trying to say that this is eminently surviveable, there will be good days and bad days but do try to "go with the flow" and acknowledge one's feelings as well as appreciating that there will be bad days - I can wake up and can sense that the dice just aren't rolling how I would like from the 'off' and go with it (this is "a bad day" when I feel antisocial and there are lots of tears and snot as emotions run higher than normal - this is OK - compared to the "good days" when the dice are rolling well and "all is good" but with an undercurrent of sadness and loss which is hard to describe but you'll know what I mean when it happens ).
Finally, I can 'see' my wife stood in the kitchen with her arms crossed, shaking her head and saying "why are you upset?"
.
And to finish:
---
Death is Nothing at All
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before only better, infinitely happier and forever we will all be one together with Christ.
Canon Henry Scott Holland
---
I never "got" this after Wendy passed away - but I "get" it now .
If you want to contact me, please feel free to do so .
PS I count myself positively blessed that I had time to prepare myself for the possibility of both my wives passing away - to deal with losing someone so close "out of the blue" can only be so much harder!
Isaac Hunt has mentioned other things - such as there is no 'standard' timescale for anyone to "get over it", and that simple unexpected things like a song on the radio can - and will! - stop you dead in your tracks when you least expect it.
This will sound like I'm at the end of my rope and have got the loft hatch open, but... It never ends, it never leaves you; it becomes more manageable, but the loss never goes away. The moment we lose someone, life just changes - it looks and smells the same, but there is someone missing which feeling is intangible and cannot be defined but is very blunt.
I describe it like this (I've posted very similar before):
Imagine going to bed tonight then waking up in the morning - to find that the main language spoken by everyone has changed overnight and the currency has also changed overnight, without anyone telling you? The streets are the same, the cars the same, the houses the same etc - but you can't make yourself understood and can't work out why the shops won't accept your money. Grieving really can feel this isolating... It can be worked out eventually, but only over time
.Alternatively, for a simple comparison, imagine going on holiday to hot European climes then finding that the shops shut for 4 hours in the afternoon and no-one will explain what's going on (they just give knowing smirks and politely laugh at your ignorance)...
My second wife Helen passed away in hospital 25 weeks ago tomorrow in hospital after 18 months of ill health (following a minor operation which went wrong and then her GPs' inability to do their job properly), and the six month anniversary of her passing is (date-wise) on Christmas Eve (it's also 6 years on the same day since she had a miscarriage following IVF - I'm not looking forward to Christmas Eve this year!). I can look back and see how I have made inroads into my grieving for her over this time; I am a functional person able to hold down a job, socialise and so on - and I fully appreciate that I have a LONG way to go before I will have got even near to some sort of recovery from this.
My first wife Wendy passed away in February 2003 after some months of illness leading to a terminal stay in ICU (she had a fault in her DNA, which was a surprise after I had married her). I didn't really acknowledge this, and it took a significant toll on my health until I had bereavement counselling (from Occy Health at work) after a year.
I now know - having learned from mourning for Wendy - to acknowledge "the feelings" when they arise (it could be a song on the radio or in a shop, or seeing a particular programme on the TV that Helen would have liked, or - well - anything random really!), and to embrace them if I am able (generally, not in a public place). I find myself hearing or seeing something and thinking "I must tell Helen that!", I suppose (with experience) I always will now...
I've lost where I am going with this (sorry!
) - but I think I am trying to say that this is eminently surviveable, there will be good days and bad days but do try to "go with the flow" and acknowledge one's feelings as well as appreciating that there will be bad days - I can wake up and can sense that the dice just aren't rolling how I would like from the 'off' and go with it (this is "a bad day" when I feel antisocial and there are lots of tears and snot as emotions run higher than normal - this is OK - compared to the "good days" when the dice are rolling well and "all is good" but with an undercurrent of sadness and loss which is hard to describe but you'll know what I mean when it happens ).Finally, I can 'see' my wife stood in the kitchen with her arms crossed, shaking her head and saying "why are you upset?"
.And to finish:
---
Death is Nothing at All
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before only better, infinitely happier and forever we will all be one together with Christ.
Canon Henry Scott Holland
---
I never "got" this after Wendy passed away - but I "get" it now
.If you want to contact me, please feel free to do so
.PS I count myself positively blessed that I had time to prepare myself for the possibility of both my wives passing away - to deal with losing someone so close "out of the blue" can only be so much harder!
OP, my condolences to you, I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. I've not got much to add beyond echoing the message that you must stay strong and be open to seeking/ accepting help if you need it from the professionals. PH is a great place in times of need and a source of help too.
There are some chaps on here who have dealt with similar and come out the other side, read their experiences and remember that things WILL get better, but it will be a long tough path there. Your missus would want you to come through this, so if nothing else, do it for her sake.
Also, I read the post about her having got you a present. This was something bought with love, so open it when the time comes, treasure and enjoy it, savour the memories you hold dear of her.
There are some chaps on here who have dealt with similar and come out the other side, read their experiences and remember that things WILL get better, but it will be a long tough path there. Your missus would want you to come through this, so if nothing else, do it for her sake.
Also, I read the post about her having got you a present. This was something bought with love, so open it when the time comes, treasure and enjoy it, savour the memories you hold dear of her.
I tried to write this a couple of times now and failed. Im not sure what to write, how does one write about being at the lowest point of your life, of knowing you are at your darkest hour and all you see before you is suicide? When everything you stood for, believed in, everything you built your life on has been dismantled, washed away, blown up and ripped from you? Ive stood on remote train tracks waiting, on platforms waiting for the high speed non stop express and Ive even walked into a lake fully dressed a couple of times. Ive looked despair in the face and felt it laugh at me for absolutely no logical or justifiable reason whatsoever except just because of some stty "thats life" reason.
And I got to tell you...it absolutely fking sucks.
I can't help much with the inspiring and lofty ideals talk. The living for life, living for her, the healthy optimism, etc. I can only help with the nitty gritty of the question you asked...how do you cope with that moment of being at rock bottom, when you see nothing? No out. No end. Just unremitting nothingness.
And my answer is/was this...fk optimism. fk pain. fk life. fk death. fk the whole damn world. fk everybody and everything that thought they could give you a kicking and you would just lie there and take it. fk them all to hell and back and then fk them again. And keep fking them. Every hour, every day every week. Every mother fking bd who thought it was their God given right to beat you, kick you, grind you down and keep you there, to pummel and pound you into the dust, into the dirt, into the ground so you didn't dare lift your head up, that you'd didn't dare dream that you deserved to look up, to live under the same sun...fk them fking all into oblivion. Never ever ever ever give up and give them the satisfaction of thinking not just that they won but that they can even think of winning. To force your head to the sky and yell out in the middle of the street "I'm not dead yet!"
And then one day it becomes easier. You don't need to fight so much to get up. Its not as difficult to look up, to move forward. And then easier again the next day. And the next.
And then one day you smile. And you realise that somehow, someone, somewhere not only just kept you alive inside but that they were the reason life was worth living anyway. Then life starts again.
I apologise that its not much on the touchy feely side of things,Im very aware that I am an emotionally stunted fked up male. You asked for coping mechanisms though when you find yourself at that place and thats as raw honest and articulate as I can manage Im afraid and its not even articulate at that. Im st at emotions, sorry, but picking a fight with Life, and that 8ft tall scythe wielding hooded fker and refusing to kneel before him...now that Ive spent days on end doing!
Oh yeah and copious amounts of Eric Idle's "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life"!
You have my deepest sympathies Sir
tty "thats life" reason.And I got to tell you...it absolutely f
king sucks.I can't help much with the inspiring and lofty ideals talk. The living for life, living for her, the healthy optimism, etc. I can only help with the nitty gritty of the question you asked...how do you cope with that moment of being at rock bottom, when you see nothing? No out. No end. Just unremitting nothingness.
And my answer is/was this...f
k optimism. fk pain. fk life. fk death. fk the whole damn world. fk everybody and everything that thought they could give you a kicking and you would just lie there and take it. fk them all to hell and back and then fk them again. And keep fking them. Every hour, every day every week. Every mother fking bd who thought it was their God given right to beat you, kick you, grind you down and keep you there, to pummel and pound you into the dust, into the dirt, into the ground so you didn't dare lift your head up, that you'd didn't dare dream that you deserved to look up, to live under the same sun...fk them fking all into oblivion. Never ever ever ever give up and give them the satisfaction of thinking not just that they won but that they can even think of winning. To force your head to the sky and yell out in the middle of the street "I'm not dead yet!"And then one day it becomes easier. You don't need to fight so much to get up. Its not as difficult to look up, to move forward. And then easier again the next day. And the next.
And then one day you smile. And you realise that somehow, someone, somewhere not only just kept you alive inside but that they were the reason life was worth living anyway. Then life starts again.
I apologise that its not much on the touchy feely side of things,Im very aware that I am an emotionally stunted f
ked up male. You asked for coping mechanisms though when you find yourself at that place and thats as raw honest and articulate as I can manage Im afraid and its not even articulate at that. Im st at emotions, sorry, but picking a fight with Life, and that 8ft tall scythe wielding hooded fker and refusing to kneel before him...now that Ive spent days on end doing!Oh yeah and copious amounts of Eric Idle's "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life"!
You have my deepest sympathies Sir
I don't have experience of losing a partner in the same way, but a number of years back, I did feel something of what you must be going through when my wife left me and took my two kids with her.
I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to stay in, I didn't want to work, I didn't want to not work. I didn't want to breathe, but I didn't want to die either. I kept thinking of all the things I could have done differently, better, less of, more of.
All I can say is use your friends, use your family, use your doctor, use us here. None of them/us will mind, and will be glad that you are doing something to try and work things out. I used a forum related to my job, and posted on there, and found it very helpful just getting things written down. If you don't feel like letting the public at large see it, use a notebook.
Things will get better, they may also get worse before they do.
As others have said, take things one day at a time - I'd go a few steps further, and say take it one minute at a time, then 5 mins, then an hour. There is nothing to say you have to plan far ahead, just concentrate on getting through the now!
There will be times and events that make you feel like st, make you feel sick, and make you burst into tears, I still have these moments now, and it's nearly 8 years on. You will get used to this, and it does get easier to deal with. It won't go away, but you learn new methods of coping with things.
If you need help, ask, I can't speak for everyone here, but there are some of us on here who go far and beyond for those who are in need. At this moment in time, you are the one in need of help. If you need to talk PM someone, if you need someone impartial to talk to face to face, feel free to ask if there is anyone in your area. I'm sure there will be someone willing to help you, just as others, not just on here, have helped us that have found ourselves in a dark and lonely place.
I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to stay in, I didn't want to work, I didn't want to not work. I didn't want to breathe, but I didn't want to die either. I kept thinking of all the things I could have done differently, better, less of, more of.
All I can say is use your friends, use your family, use your doctor, use us here. None of them/us will mind, and will be glad that you are doing something to try and work things out. I used a forum related to my job, and posted on there, and found it very helpful just getting things written down. If you don't feel like letting the public at large see it, use a notebook.
Things will get better, they may also get worse before they do.
As others have said, take things one day at a time - I'd go a few steps further, and say take it one minute at a time, then 5 mins, then an hour. There is nothing to say you have to plan far ahead, just concentrate on getting through the now!
There will be times and events that make you feel like s
t, make you feel sick, and make you burst into tears, I still have these moments now, and it's nearly 8 years on. You will get used to this, and it does get easier to deal with. It won't go away, but you learn new methods of coping with things.If you need help, ask, I can't speak for everyone here, but there are some of us on here who go far and beyond for those who are in need. At this moment in time, you are the one in need of help. If you need to talk PM someone, if you need someone impartial to talk to face to face, feel free to ask if there is anyone in your area. I'm sure there will be someone willing to help you, just as others, not just on here, have helped us that have found ourselves in a dark and lonely place.
Edited by AndyNetwork on Tuesday 16th December 16:42
NNK said:
Links removed.
Well you have just shown yourself to be a complete ahole. Well done, you must be a really horrible person.Lets hope you never have to go through something as horrible as the OP.
OP, to echo the advice of many others on here, speak to CRUSE. I have had many patients in your situation and CRUSE really do help. There is no shame in asking for help. It is hard to say but the only thing that will really heal is time and unfortunately it takes a while.
If telling people how you feel on here is helping you then continue to do it. Although we all argue on here sometimes, most of us are human and are more than willing to listen or try to help. Just try and ignore the c***s like the poster above.
GB
hadenough! said:
Given that based on previous postings this appears to be entirely untrue, then yes. Apologies if this is the one truth you've ever posted OP nut I very much doubt it.
Unfortunately this.It is humbling how PH opens up to people in need and it is galling to think that people may abuse this generosity of spirit.
The fact is that every previous post of the OP has been a lie. In the past 18 months he has been 23, 29, 36.
He has had a wife who was demoted to a girlfriend and now 'partner'
Oh, and his 19 year old son he was going to buy a bmw for doesn't seem to be around any more.
Leaves a bad taste and Ill apologise if this time it's true, but anyone who wants to share tragic experiences to help the OP might want to read his other posts first.
I love the fact that nearly every single one of his threads relates to or at least mentions a BMW. I'm guessing he is somebody who lives in a fantasy land and believes a BMW is the pinnacle of car ownership.
Frankly, anybody making up a story about their partner dying and seeking sympathy from others is a sick individual.
OP, I hope you find the help you need. More for your obvious mental health issues, than the fictional death of your partner.
Frankly, anybody making up a story about their partner dying and seeking sympathy from others is a sick individual.
OP, I hope you find the help you need. More for your obvious mental health issues, than the fictional death of your partner.
SeanyD said:
NNK said:
Reported. OP Please ignore, this is the worst I've seen yet on PH.I sincerely hope he is, as if it's true, that's a horrible thing to have happen but based on the evidence, it would seem he's on the windup and you've reported the wrong person. Nice one.
Edited by Disastrous on Wednesday 17th December 10:20
NeMiSiS said:
If this is a windup I would like to apologise to all who posted in support of the OP, because he wont.
To bring back sad memories from your own life in support of a stranger is giving-indeed, to find he may be lying is a kick in the teeth.
Exactly my sentiments. There are some haunting posts on this thread in which a great deal of thought and effort had been put and I feel awful for those who posted them.To bring back sad memories from your own life in support of a stranger is giving-indeed, to find he may be lying is a kick in the teeth.
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