Daughter ostracised at school

[Watchman]

ali_kat said:

All of them have apologised to me for their behaviour, now that they have kids they understand how nasty they were. I haven't forgiven.

I agree with you in not forgiving them. My cousin (female) was systematically bullied at school - almost exactly how the OP described. Girls are very hard on each other. It must take a lot of effort and imagination to constantly subject someone to the barrage she felt. It affected her confidence for years after, and even now she is wary of new "friends". She is popular now, and is a spectacular success at what she does so it hasn't ruined all aspects of her life.

It's not the same as being in a *male* fight. As someone else described, boys might fight then ignore each other or become best mates. Most often the fight itself ends the tirade. Not always but quite often.

The difference is that boys don't normally spend every waking hour plotting to undermine an unfortunate other. There might be a dislike between boys which can be resolved one way or another, or they'll continue with their lives apart. Even the boys' clique *usually* exists for their own entertainment rather than to put others down. If anything, the boys in the clique don't notice others, rather than actively seek to harm them.

But going back to your comment above Ali, people do change and grow. I can sort of see how the perspective of age and their own children has given your old adversaries the conscience they didn't have as children themselves, but given the effort they expended in making your life a misery back then, they don't deserve your forgiveness.

I know a few women who are more comfortable with male friends. I used to think it was impossible for men and women to be friends without sex getting in the way but now I'm no longer a sex-object myself (age and weight are so cruel), I have a few very good female friends.

[blueg33]

My daughter is 14 (15 next week) and goes to an all girls Grammar school. She has had similar issues and its very hard to deal with them. She has begged us to move schools (not easy due to our location and issues withsome girls at the nearest shool who she was with at primary school)

Things are getting better and we dealt with it like this:

1. encourage more outside interests and give her the opportunity met meet with friends from primary school etc as often as possible

2. encourage her to do some other in school activities eg sports clubs etc where she may get the chance to make some new friends (our daughter was too shy to do this)

3. give her support emotionally as much as you can (tricky with teenagers)

4. Get her to instigate some trips to town/cinema with a couple of her friends from school, the closer ones from her group, this will grow to include a couple more.

For a while it was really bad with my daughter and we had some counsellingd from a Charity called Teens in Crisis, they were really good. The school was pretty crap at helping.

(note, my daughter is not an only child, but is very shy)

Good luck

[macp]

blueg33 said:

My daughter is 14 (15 next week) and goes to an all girls Grammar school. She has had similar issues and its very hard to deal with them. She has begged us to move schools (not easy due to our location and issues withsome girls at the nearest shool who she was with at primary school)

Things are getting better and we dealt with it like this:

1. encourage more outside interests and give her the opportunity met meet with friends from primary school etc as often as possible

2. encourage her to do some other in school activities eg sports clubs etc where she may get the chance to make some new friends (our daughter was too shy to do this)

3. give her support emotionally as much as you can (tricky with teenagers)

4. Get her to instigate some trips to town/cinema with a couple of her friends from school, the closer ones from her group, this will grow to include a couple more.

For a while it was really bad with my daughter and we had some counsellingd from a Charity called Teens in Crisis, they were really good. The school was pretty crap at helping.

(note, my daughter is not an only child, but is very shy)

Good luck

Thanks excellent advice and as mentioned by several posters we need to get her interested in school clubs our other activities outside of school.She is in the electric car club team in school and has been for a while but we are struggling to keep her interested we think just because she has lost interest in most things especially school related.

[ali_kat]

macp said:

Firstly I want to say how amazed I am by the responses received it really humbled me so thankyou to one and all.

Going back to the comments regarding striking back one of the girls told my daughter she wanted to strangle her which horrified us but no proof so we told our daughter that if it is ever said again look them in the eye and tell them to go ahead.It did happen again and she did exactly as we advised and you wont be surprised to learn the girl did nothing in response.

So we have spoken with the school and they seem to be taking positive action by moving her classes and helping to introduce her to other groups of children they know to be friendly.We were told that at least two of the "mean girls" are well known and on the hotlist.They are going to speak with the girls but I have asked how they will do that,what is the process and how will they try to prevent further issues with these pupils.So the positive is there is a plan.

What makes me sad as another poster said this should be some of the best years.All she wants is a kind word and somebody she can swap makeup and clothing ideas with and all that other teenage girly stuff.

You know, it may be useful to let her read some of our experiences, (tailored!) so she knows she's not the only one & there is life after school?

That great news for the school, they are so much more concerned & powerful with bullying now than they were 30 years ago as I said earlier, they knew what was going on, but as it wasn't physical, hpened outside of school premises, couldn't be proved etc, they couldn't do anything but keep an eye out.

It is sad, but how many of us can honestly say that they were the happiest we've been?

[Rosscow]

We have two very young daughters (5 and 2) and this post breaks my heart.

The thought of other children bullying either of my daughters makes my blood boil - OP I completely sympathise with you and hope it gets resolved as soon as possible.

Best of luck with it.

[DoubleSix]

mmm all very sad but nice to hear a few positive outcomes from some and what sounds like a reasonable step forward for the OP.

My daughter is only two but I already worry about what the future holds (as we all do for our kids), I read most of the thread with furrowed brow and clenched fists as I imagined how I would feel if it were my little girl having a tough time.

At least the OP is there for his kid. Saddens me to recall the kids who were bullied for being smelly or not having the latest clothes - generally those who parents couldn't care less; poor sods.

[KFC]

I don't have kids but if I did have any and they were coming home in tears from bullying that the school wouldn't do anything about, why not take it the parents direct? Maybe threatening to kick the st out of them if their son/daughter didn't stop trying to ruin your kids life would have the right effect

[DoubleSix]

KFC said:

I don't have kids

Probably just as well...

[aka_kerrly]

KFC said:

I don't have kids but if I did have any and they were coming home in tears from bullying that the school wouldn't do anything about, why not take it the parents direct? Maybe threatening to kick the st out of them if their son/daughter didn't stop trying to ruin your kids life would have the right effect

Isn't it the case that the majority of school bullies only do so because they have been brought up in abusive angry households where they think being violent solves problems.

Perhaps schools are better at handling these things but too often you hear remarks like "the kid must be doing something to encourage the bullies" most of the time that is simply that the victim won't bite or retaliate.

The day the victim retaliates and their method will likely determine if they continue to suffer, I found hurling a kid over a table and threatening to go all Lock Stock by smashing their head in the door frame appeared quite effective but as other people have mentioned boys fighting is completely different to the evil nature of some girls!!!!!

[littlegreenfairy]

I'll echo what the others have said on here about the relationship issue later in life- especially things like manicures!

I get my hair cut on Thursday and dreading it already. I trained as a nail technician (I say train, the course took a day) so I wouldn't have to get my nails done in a salon as those sorts of environments really make you feel exposed.

I have no answers for your daughter. Teenage girls are just hideous.

[McSam]

Thanks Ali and Catfish for your replies, I really appreciate it.

MACP, I'm really glad to hear the school is listening to you and knows what's going on. Often the biggest problem, as mentioned in here a bit, is that the girls responsible are often pretty smart and know exactly how to look completely innocent to everyone else - so it can be extremely hard to get things taken seriously. It sounds like this bunch's behaviour is known, and that really is the biggest hurdle to dealing with it properly.

It also sounds like your daughter is using your support, and well able to stand up for herself which is really good too. All the right signs are there - best of luck

[okgo]

Are same sex schools worse for this sort of thing? What is the appeal of them exactly?

[FredClogs]

Lord of the Flies is a good book.

[StevieBee]

okgo said:

Are same sex schools worse for this sort of thing? What is the appeal of them exactly?

They can be. the appeal is that same sex schools tend to achieve higher academic results (in our area at least).

My daughter being a bright spark went to an all Girl's Grammar school and experienced similar problems to the OP, though not to the same extent. Each school is different and much depends upon how they are managed. At my Daughter's school, they got a new head teacher (who happened to be my old French teacher!!) and things seemed to change from thereon though I couldn't put my finger on exactly why.

[J4CKO]

I wouldn't be above using a mobile phone to record some of the stuff they say, using the snipping tool in windows to screen grab anything the say online, apparently turning up unannounced like Uncle Buck and speaking to the kids parents can work as well.....

These kind of kids are usually happy in their little realm, they need taking out of it, they need their confidence rattled, they need to know that people other than the victim can find out what a little st they are.

I saw lads get bullied mercilessly at school, ones that now I realise were probably autistic, kids who got bus tickets chewed up and spat on them, slapped around the head, bag emptied out, money and stuff stolen, one kid used to go home looking like he had been slimed in Ghostbusters he was so covered in spit, I just didnt get that mentality that made one kid want to do that to another ?

[FrankAbagnale]

I think if I got spat on I would completely lose my sh*t. Whether I just went at them immediately, or waited until my later years to get revenge, I don't know. But I would struggle to act within ethical/moral/legal boundaries.

[bobbylondonuk]

I dont have kids.

I am looking at it from a simple logic. Women hate each other in general...they subconciously compete on every level. If they cant win, they want to be associated with a group of winners. They cannot stand criticism of any sort and it is their biggest fear. in short...they are all fking mental.

So taking that into consideration what should your daughter do? do her own thing and walk around with a smile. This will bring attention for the worse....but carry on and this attention will turn into curiousity. Why is this girl so chilled out when she should be miserable? This curiousity gets other fringe gals being drawn to your cool daughter who doesnt give a st about the popular mean bhes in school. Suddenly her own group forms where she is queen bee and others want to be associated to her as group winners. A previous poster said something about his daughter reading a book in a corner. Perfect example!

What exactly should your daughter do to achieve this scenario? get a life outside school, grow up and see the real world and indentify that all the cool kids in school are actually 'children'. This alone will give her a new sense of pride and identity and strength that will resonate through her personality. She grows up above the rest of them and laughs them off as silly kids.

its all about winning in life...let this experience be a lesson to turn your daughter into winner in this big bad world. Life aint bunny rabbits and socialist paradise. It is full of st and we all have to deal with it and come out unscathed. That is the mission.

Like i said..i dont have kids...so what i said could be complete crap, but it worked for me!

[FrankAbagnale]

So, in summary - reading books by yourself is cool and in turn will make you friend.

I think you'd probably be seen as a "loner".

[Pat H]

macp said:

Firstly I want to say how amazed I am by the responses received it really humbled me so thankyou to one and all.

I have daughters aged 18 and 14.

The elder was always confident, popular, had a great circle of friends and thoroughly enjoyed school.

The younger was more insular, had trouble making decent friends and some of her friendship groups have been really nasty. She hated going to school and was a constant source of concern.

She recently started seeing a lad who is a student at the local sixth form college. It has done wonders for her confidence, she no longer gives a stuff about what her peers think, she is confident enough to wear her own strange style of clothes and listen to her own taste in music.

It has been the making of her and she is far more happy and outgoing, though of course the relationship brings different concerns and worries.

What I am saying in a round about way is that things can change for the better. Quite quickly too, as kids grow up pretty fast.





I endured a singe sex education at a private school in the 1970s and 1980s. It was a pretty unforgiving environment if you didn't conform.

God help you if you wore specs, were the wrong colour, had ginger hair or were a bit of a ponce.

Lives were made miserable, with constant taunts, bullying, racism and homophobia. And that was just from the teachers. Some of the kids were even worse.

I must admit to having a pretty poor opinion of single sex education. The levels of nastiness and bullying seem to be far higher than in a mixed environment. And I fail to see how the child benefits. They might achieve a higher academic standard, but at what cost?

It is a rather artificial social environment and it hardly prepares them for life in the real world.

The main thing that the OP's daughter needs to appreciate is that she isn't alone. Her experiences are commonplace. And schools are far better equipped to deal with bullying than in the past.

Extra curricular activities and friendships away from school are to be encouraged. But I think that the most important thing is to maintain an open dialogue with the kid and not to let her struggle alone.

[okgo]

Or start bullying other kids, that worked for me. hunter > hunted

Mind you with boys, as long as you're good at sports you're fine.