Daughter ostracised at school
Discussion
"Heathers" That's a good film, so is "The Breakfast Club".
"Dear Mr Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us - in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club."
"Dear Mr Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us - in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club."
Just had exactly the same sort of thing with my daughter. Changed her school, best thing we have ever done. She changed from a mixed Academy school to an all girl non Academy school.
Less stupid educational ideas and petty nit-picking.
More relaxed and positive approach to education.
Plus having to get a bus in the morning has boosted her confidence and made her a bit more adventurous.
Much as I liked the fact she is very close to me, I really don't want to wrap her in cotton wool.
Less stupid educational ideas and petty nit-picking.
More relaxed and positive approach to education.
Plus having to get a bus in the morning has boosted her confidence and made her a bit more adventurous.
Much as I liked the fact she is very close to me, I really don't want to wrap her in cotton wool.
FrankAbagnale said:
So, in summary - reading books by yourself is cool and in turn will make you friend.
I think you'd probably be seen as a "loner".
OF course kiddo...you are like...so cool..that is so true from the post above...OMG...what a loner reading a book in a corner!I think you'd probably be seen as a "loner".
In summary - being able to do your own thing and not delving what others think about you makes you cool. IF you want to read, read...someone will find it curious and want to team up.
So no..reading in a corner doesnt make you cool in school, neither does it make you a loner. It makes you 'intrested in reading'
you will learn about the world when you grow up from the 15yr old mindset.
bobbylondonuk said:
OF course kiddo...you are like...so cool..that is so true from the post above...OMG...what a loner reading a book in a corner!
In summary - being able to do your own thing and not delving what others think about you makes you cool. IF you want to read, read...someone will find it curious and want to team up.
So no..reading in a corner doesnt make you cool in school, neither does it make you a loner. It makes you 'intrested in reading'
you will learn about the world when you grow up from the 15yr old mindset.
Yeah, nice post. The problem is she is being judged by people with a 15 yr old mindset.In summary - being able to do your own thing and not delving what others think about you makes you cool. IF you want to read, read...someone will find it curious and want to team up.
So no..reading in a corner doesnt make you cool in school, neither does it make you a loner. It makes you 'intrested in reading'
you will learn about the world when you grow up from the 15yr old mindset.
Edited by FrankAbagnale on Tuesday 3rd March 18:27
I meant to add to my list of things to do the following:
Girls to seem to shift allegience and friends very quickly, we helped matters by inviting on of my daughter's better friends from school on holiday with us. It worked very well in terms of my daughter's re;ationship with that person and it helped daughters confidence at school because she had takena friend on holiday to Mallorca.
I also took her and another school friend to Alton Towers, this all helps the bonding etc.
Some girls are really b
hy and you can't fix those ones, daughter just has to ignore them
Girls to seem to shift allegience and friends very quickly, we helped matters by inviting on of my daughter's better friends from school on holiday with us. It worked very well in terms of my daughter's re;ationship with that person and it helped daughters confidence at school because she had takena friend on holiday to Mallorca.
I also took her and another school friend to Alton Towers, this all helps the bonding etc.
Some girls are really b
hy and you can't fix those ones, daughter just has to ignore thembobbylondonuk said:
FrankAbagnale said:
So, in summary - reading books by yourself is cool and in turn will make you friend.
I think you'd probably be seen as a "loner".
OF course kiddo...you are like...so cool..that is so true from the post above...OMG...what a loner reading a book in a corner!I think you'd probably be seen as a "loner".
In summary - being able to do your own thing and not delving what others think about you makes you cool. IF you want to read, read...someone will find it curious and want to team up.
So no..reading in a corner doesnt make you cool in school, neither does it make you a loner. It makes you 'intrested in reading'
you will learn about the world when you grow up from the 15yr old mindset.
FredClogs said:
I believe there is a program that is quite good, is it Glee or Ugly Betty of something like that. Not my kind of thing but the Americans have managed to address this issue after having a rather rabid High School culture of cliques and bullying.
Gossip girl. It is socially brutal.
NormalWisdom said:
Having seen this happen to my daughter about 7 years ago (the subsequent fallout would make for a rather large novel) I can sympathise. Girls at that age can be extremely nasty and manipulative, I was absolutely horrified at the depths to which they would stoop to effect their emotional bullying.
You as a parent need to be on the doorstep of the school every day pressurising them to deal with it (it is their responsibility), teachers have a duty of care but, unfortunately, schools do not like being tarnished with the "bullying brush", doesn't help with getting the intake numbers up - I didn't (work came first which in hindsight was a totally wrong call) and my daughter became "unsalvageable".
Thankyou Normal for taking the time to post a very honest & to me saddening post. You as a parent need to be on the doorstep of the school every day pressurising them to deal with it (it is their responsibility), teachers have a duty of care but, unfortunately, schools do not like being tarnished with the "bullying brush", doesn't help with getting the intake numbers up - I didn't (work came first which in hindsight was a totally wrong call) and my daughter became "unsalvageable".
She arrived home this evening and seemed ok but its early days.She had spent the day with some other girls and enjoyed her time with them.A couple of the mean girls have been spoken to and she told us they are trying to turn it round and say how upset they are by my daughters actions.We are grabbing this by the throat now and not letting go.
Once again thankyou for the wonderful and heartfelt responses it really helps and you are really special people.I know Ive had a couple of glasses of wine but I do mean it Hick !!
Right MASH is about to start on ch61 freeview so will check back later.
Once again thankyou for the wonderful and heartfelt responses it really helps and you are really special people.I know Ive had a couple of glasses of wine but I do mean it Hick !!
Right MASH is about to start on ch61 freeview so will check back later.
My experiences at school were very similar to Ali's only thank Heavens in those days it stopped at the school gate and didn't continue via Faceache, Twitter etc.
I buried myself in my books and made something of my life. The bullies didn't. I'm having the last laugh, and moreover have been for a while.
I buried myself in my books and made something of my life. The bullies didn't. I'm having the last laugh, and moreover have been for a while.
Best of luck getting that sorted out.
Was bullied myself and the effects are still with me and will be forever.
The only advice I can give is ensure that you don't get upset about it in front of your daughter, or appear not to be able to handle it, or take action not supported by your daughter. My parents were having a hard time already, and when I talked to them they did get upset and sound helpless, as well as taking action behind my back with the school which backfired. So from then on I decided to shut up and take it until the storm passed. Unfortunately by then the damage was done.
Was bullied myself and the effects are still with me and will be forever.
The only advice I can give is ensure that you don't get upset about it in front of your daughter, or appear not to be able to handle it, or take action not supported by your daughter. My parents were having a hard time already, and when I talked to them they did get upset and sound helpless, as well as taking action behind my back with the school which backfired. So from then on I decided to shut up and take it until the storm passed. Unfortunately by then the damage was done.
My daughter suffered terrible bullying at the local grammar school, the school denied there was a problem, they were so adamant about this that they had refused to draw up an anti-bullying policy, saying "as bullying did not occur there was no need".
It transpired that one "queen bh" was responsible and we eventually had to involve the Local Education Authority to sort things out. This did not go down well with the school at first but when they realised we meant business the situation gradually changed for the better.
The distress endured by my daughter was heartbreaking, she was and is a confident, bright, attractive, outgoing, sociable girl but the bullying really affected her badly. How it would have played out long term if she was overweight, plain or spotty does not bear thinking about.
At home we discussed the situation and tried to explain the dynamics to her, IIRC it was likened to the behaviour of a group of wild animals jockeying for supremacy in the pack. Looking at it from the outside seemed to help her understand the way bullying works and that it was not her fault.
It transpired that one "queen b
h" was responsible and we eventually had to involve the Local Education Authority to sort things out. This did not go down well with the school at first but when they realised we meant business the situation gradually changed for the better.The distress endured by my daughter was heartbreaking, she was and is a confident, bright, attractive, outgoing, sociable girl but the bullying really affected her badly. How it would have played out long term if she was overweight, plain or spotty does not bear thinking about.
At home we discussed the situation and tried to explain the dynamics to her, IIRC it was likened to the behaviour of a group of wild animals jockeying for supremacy in the pack. Looking at it from the outside seemed to help her understand the way bullying works and that it was not her fault.
macp said:
We have spoken with the school and they are trying to help but short of wrapping her up in cotton wool & going in and kicking the living daylights out of these spoilt uncaring and manipulative girls we dont quite know what to do for the best.
Change school, get your daughter involved with the process and start that process now. It may affect GCSE results in the short term but her health should be your priority.One girl from school, who was quiet and was bullied, has now made a name for herself in politics (not an MP). I think she's really blossomed (I secretly liked her at school) but suspect the past may always bother her.
So, all in all, she could overcome it eventually but the longer this goes on the more the effects become ingrained.
So, all in all, she could overcome it eventually but the longer this goes on the more the effects become ingrained.
Just reading this lot makes me glad I was never a teenage girl. However, I do have two close to being so, so with what we all know, in particular those who have written of their tormented times, how can I prepare for what's about to happen? Is preparation possible??? For one of my daughters there will be greater trials than being, as one poster above noted, 'plain, overweight or spotty...'
Mobile Chicane said:
My experiences at school were very similar to Ali's only thank Heavens in those days it stopped at the school gate and didn't continue via Faceache, Twitter etc.
I buried myself in my books and made something of my life. The bullies didn't. I'm having the last laugh, and moreover have been for a while.
Same here. How kids these days cope with the 24/7 onslaught of nastiness, I don't know.I buried myself in my books and made something of my life. The bullies didn't. I'm having the last laugh, and moreover have been for a while.
Mind you, the Internet does have its uses. It's nice to know that the people who bullied me all have sad, limited lives while I'm doing a job I love and doing okay for myself. The trouble is, it's harder to see things from the 20-years-ahead perspective when you're 14-15.
In my case, the bullying stopped overnight when I left school and went into the sixth form. I hope the OP's daughter gets things sorted out well before then, but if not then don't give up hope! It does get better. Eventually.
hornetrider said:
Baryonyx said:
She shouldn't worry about it, she'll be finished school soon and will likely see very little of the people she met there once she goes. In the meantime, she could occupy herself by studying or reading, perhaps?
Marvellous 
Get out of here, are you trying to get her bullied?!? Popularity is important for kids of that age, very important.
FredClogs said:
I have young daughters and can sympathise and only imagine how heartbreaking it must be. Girls can be very cruel unfortunately, being rejected by peers at a formative age is tough, my wife had a hard time a school and it's something that stays with some people for life. Although the comments about grinning and bearing it and just getting on with life seem a little callous and unhelpful I'm afraid that's possibly all that can be done. She just needs to find another peer group or a friend from outside the school or accept that hanging out with the less popular girls is her station in life instead of aspiring to be in with what ever crowd is rejecting her - there will be more than several options of friends. That means new activities, club, sports etc... until something clicks.
this is the best answer so far. the more recreational activities your daughter takes part in, the wider her social group will be. both my daughters have been involved with dancing/horse riding/gymnastics which has resulted in a far wider circle of friends . when the youngest (14) had a bit of a falling out with some long term school friends recently it hardly had any effect as she just spent a bit more time with other friends. at this age they do seem to fall out and regroup a lot. my initial reaction to the reply about reading/studying more was not good, but as kid who attended seven different schools,one abroad and missed 6 months of schooling entirely i did spend a lot of time reading/drawing myself and while it will not add to her social skills,it does give a bit of mental peace for a while.the rest of the time seemed to be fighting the local inbred moron group at whatever school i happened to be at. apparently having a different accent to everyone else ,a perma tan and blonde hair from a few years spent in iran as a kid,all of which appeared to make me popular with the girls, was all the reason needed to administer regular group kickings. by the last two years of high school when the tan had faded and i had become a jaded mong myself i seemed to fit in alright.
i think one of the main reasons we have never moved is so the kids were brought up in a completely stable environment right through their schooling as i know how much the constant moves disrupted my schooling and childhood.
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