Relative dying. Visit or not? Guilt.
Discussion
surveyor said:
I think this is helpful.
In terms of my dad he thinks this rush by other relatives is ridiculous, and is pleased that his boys are keeping their distance. He's already said that he thinks it down to their guilt about not seeing him often enough.
I have the same guilt, but it does not mean that I do not love him.
I have a few problems in dropping everything today or at least during the day, not least of which is I have my parents dog which allowed them to get down quick.
If he was conscious I'd perhaps feel different, but still wonder if he has enough going on saying goodbye to his children. I don't like touchy feely and I'm not sure if that's helping or hindering me.
Shall muse some more.
Will you regret not going? Make your decision for the right reasons and then stick by it without questioning yourself.In terms of my dad he thinks this rush by other relatives is ridiculous, and is pleased that his boys are keeping their distance. He's already said that he thinks it down to their guilt about not seeing him often enough.
I have the same guilt, but it does not mean that I do not love him.
I have a few problems in dropping everything today or at least during the day, not least of which is I have my parents dog which allowed them to get down quick.
If he was conscious I'd perhaps feel different, but still wonder if he has enough going on saying goodbye to his children. I don't like touchy feely and I'm not sure if that's helping or hindering me.
Shall muse some more.
surveyor said:
In terms of my dad he thinks this rush by other relatives is ridiculous, and is pleased that his boys are keeping their distance.
That's b
ks bloke talk that - no way is your Dad going to say anything else but that.Fast forward some years & it's your Dad - what would you like your kids to do?
I wouldn't tell your Dad you were going if you decide to go - just turn up & I bet your Dad will be delighted.
It's a tough one this, and very much down to your own family relationship/expectations/background etc.
My grandmother died a couple of years ago after a few weeks in hospital. We weren't particularly close and I hadn't seen much of her in the last few years. I went to visit, my brother decided not to - to be honest, apart from helping out my Mum (which I was far more interested in) I don't think it did ether of us any favours - my grandmother was unconscious most of the time and I don't think she knew I was there. She looked... old, frail, jaundiced, not a great last memory if I'm honest. I don't judge my brother at all for not going, but despite everything I don't regret going myself.
My grandmother died a couple of years ago after a few weeks in hospital. We weren't particularly close and I hadn't seen much of her in the last few years. I went to visit, my brother decided not to - to be honest, apart from helping out my Mum (which I was far more interested in) I don't think it did ether of us any favours - my grandmother was unconscious most of the time and I don't think she knew I was there. She looked... old, frail, jaundiced, not a great last memory if I'm honest. I don't judge my brother at all for not going, but despite everything I don't regret going myself.
)northwest monkey said:
surveyor said:
In terms of my dad he thinks this rush by other relatives is ridiculous, and is pleased that his boys are keeping their distance.
That's bks bloke talk that - no way is your Dad going to say anything else but that.Sheepshanks said:
northwest monkey said:
surveyor said:
In terms of my dad he thinks this rush by other relatives is ridiculous, and is pleased that his boys are keeping their distance.
That's bks bloke talk that - no way is your Dad going to say anything else but that.condor said:
From what I gather you're looking after your Dad's dog so he can be there. I think that's what your Dad wants you to do.
About time this was picked up. By doing this one important thing that many will trivialise as being an irrelevance you have enabled your parents to give their full attention to your grandfather. This is your role during this time.
I'd go. My grandfather died very suddenly having been ill for a couple of years (should have lasted another couple), I don't think I'll ever stop regretting that there wasn't a 'goodbye' visit - instead of being the seal on a lifetime of memories, it all just sort of tapers off - I can't remember the last time I saw him or anything. There were a few things I'd like to have told him and I really regret that circumstances didn't allow it.
Can someone else mind the dog?
Your dad may well try and say whatever feels/sounds supportive for whichever choice you make, only you know if it's the right one for your family.
Suggest offering to go and keep your grandfather company at times when everyone else is elsewhere resting/eating if you want to stay out of the whole communal grief thing.
Can someone else mind the dog?
Your dad may well try and say whatever feels/sounds supportive for whichever choice you make, only you know if it's the right one for your family.
Suggest offering to go and keep your grandfather company at times when everyone else is elsewhere resting/eating if you want to stay out of the whole communal grief thing.
Definitely go and see him.
I was in this position a few months back and I am glad that I went.
The outlook for my grandmother wasn't good, when I arrived at the hospital I barely recognised her as she had deteriorated a lot since the last time I had seen her.
I would contact your father and make a joint visit to both see your grandfather and support your father.
I know I would have regretted it for ever if I hadn't gone on that last visit
I was in this position a few months back and I am glad that I went.
The outlook for my grandmother wasn't good, when I arrived at the hospital I barely recognised her as she had deteriorated a lot since the last time I had seen her.
I would contact your father and make a joint visit to both see your grandfather and support your father.
I know I would have regretted it for ever if I hadn't gone on that last visit
I'd suggest going.
You'll feel guilt, this is fair enough, we always put stuff off and then regret not having done that thing when you can't do it anymore. Guilt will lead you to thinking you should go, because you haven't seen him much. You probably are being practical about it and may be right when thinking he won't recognise that anyone is there, but if he even opens his eyes and does for a second notice you're all there that will mean something to him.
Go for other members of the family, regardless of their emotions/motives. There will be people there who genuinely are sad and have made an effort. Your Father for example.
Recently my Mother's aunt passed away at 94 and the first day my brother took my Mum I didn't want to lose money and actually felt like a selfish **** for not going. My missis had a word with me and she was right. Money and time isn't everything. So the next time I went. This was a 6 hour round trip and took all day. She couldn't say anything and we couldn't understand her, but she held my hand and squeezed it. I won't lie, that made me cry. I had only met this lady a few times and she was in care then, but she was good to my Mum when she was young and times were hard. I went for my Mum and know I'd have regretted not going.
Not trying to make this about me, but all I'm saying is as long as you can make alternative arrangements for dogs/childs/work then drop stuff and head to see him.
You'll feel guilt, this is fair enough, we always put stuff off and then regret not having done that thing when you can't do it anymore. Guilt will lead you to thinking you should go, because you haven't seen him much. You probably are being practical about it and may be right when thinking he won't recognise that anyone is there, but if he even opens his eyes and does for a second notice you're all there that will mean something to him.
Go for other members of the family, regardless of their emotions/motives. There will be people there who genuinely are sad and have made an effort. Your Father for example.
Recently my Mother's aunt passed away at 94 and the first day my brother took my Mum I didn't want to lose money and actually felt like a selfish **** for not going. My missis had a word with me and she was right. Money and time isn't everything. So the next time I went. This was a 6 hour round trip and took all day. She couldn't say anything and we couldn't understand her, but she held my hand and squeezed it. I won't lie, that made me cry. I had only met this lady a few times and she was in care then, but she was good to my Mum when she was young and times were hard. I went for my Mum and know I'd have regretted not going.
Not trying to make this about me, but all I'm saying is as long as you can make alternative arrangements for dogs/childs/work then drop stuff and head to see him.
Edited by Birdster on Friday 27th March 12:44
I totally understand why you are in two minds.
However none of us know you, your family, relationships, dynamics etc. I have a very stand offish view of family. I treat them like I treat close friends. Thats to say they are in my life because I like, love care and have something in common with them.
So if it is your grandfather, or your mate from school, what is important is how much you meant to each other. Just because someone is an uncle, grandparent etc, it doen't mean you have to care, be there or whatever.
If it will help you, and help him as well as your Dad then go.
However, you Dad does not want a fuss. It may be that he actually wants time with his Dad without people bothering. Although not my kids, the presence of my mothers well meaning but interfering family just after my Dad died was really not wanted. Fortunately they were abroad when my Mum died, though I got to the hospital too late to be there at the end for her.
My mum and my wife had "issues" with one another so it was good that the day before she died that they made friends and parted on good terms. Do you have unfinished business like that?
If I were you, I would call your Dad. Say "I'm there if you want or need me. Shall I come now?".
Then go with his wishes.
You are being useful right now. Looking after the dog, gives him one less thing to worry about. When the end comes, there will be so much to do. That's when the stress can hit. Coping with the death, registering death, arrangements, telling family, solicitors, selling houses, belongings, its all pretty frought.
In my experience, that's where you can show you care, take some of the crap off your Dad's shoulders, by being caring - and useful.
Good luck, and God bless you and yours mate.
However none of us know you, your family, relationships, dynamics etc. I have a very stand offish view of family. I treat them like I treat close friends. Thats to say they are in my life because I like, love care and have something in common with them.
So if it is your grandfather, or your mate from school, what is important is how much you meant to each other. Just because someone is an uncle, grandparent etc, it doen't mean you have to care, be there or whatever.
If it will help you, and help him as well as your Dad then go.
However, you Dad does not want a fuss. It may be that he actually wants time with his Dad without people bothering. Although not my kids, the presence of my mothers well meaning but interfering family just after my Dad died was really not wanted. Fortunately they were abroad when my Mum died, though I got to the hospital too late to be there at the end for her.
My mum and my wife had "issues" with one another so it was good that the day before she died that they made friends and parted on good terms. Do you have unfinished business like that?
If I were you, I would call your Dad. Say "I'm there if you want or need me. Shall I come now?".
Then go with his wishes.
You are being useful right now. Looking after the dog, gives him one less thing to worry about. When the end comes, there will be so much to do. That's when the stress can hit. Coping with the death, registering death, arrangements, telling family, solicitors, selling houses, belongings, its all pretty frought.
In my experience, that's where you can show you care, take some of the crap off your Dad's shoulders, by being caring - and useful.
Good luck, and God bless you and yours mate.
Been there, got that tee shirt...a number of times.
Go.
If you do go, you will never 'regret' it. You sure won't have a great time, and you may see things that you'd rather not carry around with you as memories...but I would almost guarantee you won't me looking back saying 'I wish I hadn't gone'.
If you don't go you'll always be plagued by the little thought 'maybe I should have gone'.
I was with both my parents and grandparents at the end; did they know I was there? I don't know really...but if they were sentient enough to know then they would have departed knowing I was there. If they'd already lost all conciousness of their surroundings then what had I lost? A bit of time out my life. They are certainly not events I remember fondly; it remains quite upsetting many years on, but I have no regrets in being there. it was the 'right' thing to do.
Go.
If you do go, you will never 'regret' it. You sure won't have a great time, and you may see things that you'd rather not carry around with you as memories...but I would almost guarantee you won't me looking back saying 'I wish I hadn't gone'.
If you don't go you'll always be plagued by the little thought 'maybe I should have gone'.
I was with both my parents and grandparents at the end; did they know I was there? I don't know really...but if they were sentient enough to know then they would have departed knowing I was there. If they'd already lost all conciousness of their surroundings then what had I lost? A bit of time out my life. They are certainly not events I remember fondly; it remains quite upsetting many years on, but I have no regrets in being there. it was the 'right' thing to do.
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