Relative dying. Visit or not? Guilt.

Relative dying. Visit or not? Guilt.

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PurpleTurtle

6,941 posts

143 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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I was very close to my maternal grandparents, they did loads for me and my two brothers as kids.

Grandmother died at 73 in hospital following an angina related heart attack. We were told she'd make it OK, so when the family of five of us were told that only 4 visitors were allowed at her bedside on a Sunday night I took the hit and sat in the car in the car park listening to U2 whilst the others had an enjoyable chat with her. Alas the medics were wrong, she died during the night, I never got to say goodbye to her and it affected me for years. I felt cheated of that last opportunity to see her by bureaucracy.

Fast forward 20 years and my grandfather was in a home at 94, mentally strong but bodily weak. I knew he was near the end so took a day off work to drive 120 miles to see him. We sat, laughed, joked, drank tea. His departing words to me were "Son, I've had a wonderful life, but I'm just ready to go now". It was one of the worst and best days of my life at the same time, but I'm so grateful I had that last afternoon with him.

All depends on your relationship with him, but I'd make the journey, if anything just so you don't regret missing that one last opportunity.

Jasandjules

69,825 posts

228 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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PurpleTurtle said:
were told that only 4 visitors were allowed at her bedside on a Sunday night I took the hit and sat in the car in the car park listening to U2 whilst the others had an enjoyable chat with her. Alas the medics were wrong, she died during the night, I never got to say goodbye to her and it affected me for years. I felt cheated of that last opportunity to see her by bureaucracy.
I don't want to derail this thread but your relatives are at fault and frankly thoughtless. One of them should have switched with you after an hour or so.

craig_m67

949 posts

187 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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I'd go, in a heartbeat.



  • I had heaps of reasons why but at the end of the day we all deal with death in our own way and anything I had to add has been covered.
Edited by craig_m67 on Friday 27th March 13:42

PurpleTurtle

6,941 posts

143 months

Friday 27th March 2015
quotequote all
Jasandjules said:
PurpleTurtle said:
were told that only 4 visitors were allowed at her bedside on a Sunday night I took the hit and sat in the car in the car park listening to U2 whilst the others had an enjoyable chat with her. Alas the medics were wrong, she died during the night, I never got to say goodbye to her and it affected me for years. I felt cheated of that last opportunity to see her by bureaucracy.
I don't want to derail this thread but your relatives are at fault and frankly thoughtless. One of them should have switched with you after an hour or so.
Not at all. We got there late on a Sunday evening, 30 minutes of visiting left. We were told from the off that she'd be fine, visiting opens again tomorrow morning. It was the kind of decision people make every day. My family are very close, I'd never blame them for a second. However, I feel a hospital could have let a well-behaved 16yo kid to be bedside for half an hour, but at the time on the night we had been told "all is OK" so it was no real drama.
You believe (or try to) put your trust in what you are being told. Then again this was Stafford General, its recent troubles no surprise to me after this.
Thanks for your input, but not really welcome.

R6VED

1,365 posts

139 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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I have not read anything other than the OP's post so i apologise in advance if a deicsion has been made already.

GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO

You will never regret going, but you may well regret not going.

My 92 yr old G'pa died a month ago so this is a subject close to my heart, I saw him weekly, sometimes more often and we were very close. even when he was in a home for the last 6 week sor so I would see him and I am so glad that I did.

Just in case it wasn't obvious I think you should go.

AngryPartsBloke

1,436 posts

150 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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My Grandad passed away last year. He was coming down to visit and On the morning he was due to leave he was moving his suitcase to the car and while doing so, fell down the stairs at his flat.

I wish i'd had the chance to talk to him or even just seem him one last time.


BlackLabel

13,251 posts

122 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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I'd go.

bazza white

3,552 posts

127 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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I was in the same position with my grandad in his last few days, I'm not really that good at this stuff but mum talked me into it. I walked in and went white when I seen him as he had lost a load of weight and aged 30 years in a short time but when I said "alright gramps" and he managed a little smile I knew he appreciated us going to see him.

I say go, even for half hour. I was a bit pale and shaken up when I came out but glad I did it.




beanbag

7,346 posts

240 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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Go. Saying goodbye to a loved one is very important for closure.

While I couldn't be there, one of my biggest regrets up to now is not having the guts to call my uncle in his final hours. I agonised over it for days and by the time I pulled myself together to do it, he passed away.

I miss him terribly all the time and wish I could have said good bye to him properly.

james_tigerwoods

16,287 posts

196 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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I did this about 6 years ago: My gran (father's mum) was expected to die imminently and I went, under protest, over to France to visit her. She was never nice to me or my sister, was a drunk and I never really liked her and always hated staying with her. I got there and she didn't recognise me and I said my goodbyes - I knew my father (who died about 18 years previously) would at least appreciate that I made that effort and my Mum, who I went with, appreciated the effort I made.

I got nothing from it and I didn't make any peace and I still feel empty towards my Gran - but I knew that at least I'd done my duty even if I really really didn't want to.

She didn't die and is still alive and pretty senile today.

My other gran, on my Mum's side, was the nicest person you could ever meet and I didn't get to say goodbye as she died suddenly in Mauritius (where she lived) - in fact, my Mum, who flew out to be with her missed her passing as she died while my mum was on a flight home (she turned around and went straight back).

In answer, I'd say to go - if not for you, do it for the family duty that you ought to perform.

julian64

14,317 posts

253 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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I find the big questions like this all benefit from seeing yourself in their position.

1) Your dad is dying, you go to see him and your son stays away to look after the dog.
2) You are on your deathbed. Your son comes to see you but your grandson stays to look after the dog.

What you think when considering the above will probably be your answer.

axgizmo

1,095 posts

152 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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When my Nanna (dad's mum) was dying (2 years next month) I got the call from my Mum, and I went without a second thought. She had been in the hospice for a few weeks so we obviously knew it was coming, had been visiting her & were prepared for it (as much as you can be).

It was only 40 miles for me but it wouldn't have mattered if it was the other side of the world.
She didn't know we were there (As far as we know) but I got to hold her hand (My little Nanna Lil, my babysitter, my second mum & the one who made my amazing dad the person he is) whilst she breathed her last and was there to cuddle my Dad, Mum, uncles, aunties & cousins afterwards.

Family is the most important thing to me so I couldn't imagine not going but I know not every family is as close

MYOB

4,768 posts

137 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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I would go in a heartbeat, but I note that your dad is only there because you're looking after his dog. Thus I suppose you are already helping out by ensuring your dad is there.

Your grandfather is not even conscious, so don't worry about what you feel is the morally right thing to do because you are already doing it.

Rude-boy

22,227 posts

232 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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surveyor said:
I think this is helpful.

In terms of my dad he thinks this rush by other relatives is ridiculous, and is pleased that his boys are keeping their distance. He's already said that he thinks it down to their guilt about not seeing him often enough.

I have the same guilt, but it does not mean that I do not love him.

I have a few problems in dropping everything today or at least during the day, not least of which is I have my parents dog which allowed them to get down quick.

If he was conscious I'd perhaps feel different, but still wonder if he has enough going on saying goodbye to his children. I don't like touchy feely and I'm not sure if that's helping or hindering me.

Shall muse some more.
Got this far.

If Granddad really is 'out of it' then I would make it very, very clear to my dad that I love him dearly and will be in the car the minute he calls if he wants me. Other than that you fully understand that it's likely that the last thing he needs right now is a mass influx of people getting in his way and doing so only because it makes them feel good.

DUMBO100

1,878 posts

183 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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I'd go. When my Grandfather passed I went to see him and although he was slipping in and out of consciousness he new I was there. I made him a promise and said goodbye. It felt right. He hung on untill my Uncle arrived from Bermuda to see his Dad and passed 30 minutes later

A - W

1,717 posts

214 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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Go.

End of.

Are you still here.

surveyor

Original Poster:

17,768 posts

183 months

Friday 27th March 2015
quotequote all
I'm still here. I've listened - and spoken to my dad.

Grandpa (sorry it's old fashioned but that's what he is!) is heavily sedated, and not really aware of anything. I think it's pretty clear to be his last hours/days.

Dad seems quite comfortable with us staying away (and has said he is proud of how we are dealing with it). I think the members of family who have insisted in rushing down have caused some distress to him and one of his sisters and they would have preferred to deal with the situation peacefully rather than chaotically, which I understand.

If I have guilt I will deal with it rather than make the situation more difficult to deal with.

I've taken particular note of Rudeboy's advice and made sure that he knows the minute he needs support I will be in the car. He knew that anyway I think, but it's now not unsaid.

It's a stty situation, but he's had a good life, helped a lot of people (retired GP), a 49 year marriage + and outlasted a second wife after. He has already said that he's had enough of living with pain (his back etc.), and is ready to go.

I'm not looking forward to the weekend - work has helped today.


Bluebarge

4,519 posts

177 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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Fair enough, and good luck to you and yours.

BlackVanDyke

9,932 posts

210 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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If there's anything you want to say to your grandpa maybe your dad could hold a phone to his ear for you?

Fishtigua

9,786 posts

194 months

Friday 27th March 2015
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My Step-Dad died a few hours ago. He was almost 4000 miles away but I'll try to support my Mum the best that I can from over here. That's all you can do.

OP, if you can get there, I'd make the effort.