Relative dying. Visit or not? Guilt.
Discussion
My 93yo nan died in September 2013; she was a sprightly lady who up until a year before she died lived by herself in a two storey house, walked in to town and walked to church.
She got cancer, had an op, but never really recovered and spent the last few months at my aunts house being cared for by my aunt and uncle.
I saw her a month or so before she died, she looked frail but we talked, she was still as sharp as a tack and had a great sense of humour.
I went to see her again, I didn't really want to as I know she had gone down rapidly since I last saw her. I had decided I wouldn't go and see her then my dad announced he was going with my step mum (my nan was my mums mum) so I made a last minute decision to go.
She looked terrible; a skeleton, I had to compose myself when I went in to her room and saw her, I nearly burst into tears but I made sure I didn't as even though she looked liked she did and couldn't move, she knew what was going on. I took a laptop with me and on it were pictures of my girls, I showed the photos to her and she responded, she tried to talk to me about them; she made no sense, however it massively brightened up her day seeing myself and pictures of her grandchildren.
My mum was there in another room, I went to see her after seeing my nan and I just burst into tears and cried like a baby on my mums shoulder; I was 38.
Anyway, this was Sunday, my nan died on the following Tuesday, it was horrible seeing her but I am so glad that I did and I was able to say my goodbyes and she could say hers to me and the girls and that little time that I was with her brightened up her day.
She got cancer, had an op, but never really recovered and spent the last few months at my aunts house being cared for by my aunt and uncle.
I saw her a month or so before she died, she looked frail but we talked, she was still as sharp as a tack and had a great sense of humour.
I went to see her again, I didn't really want to as I know she had gone down rapidly since I last saw her. I had decided I wouldn't go and see her then my dad announced he was going with my step mum (my nan was my mums mum) so I made a last minute decision to go.
She looked terrible; a skeleton, I had to compose myself when I went in to her room and saw her, I nearly burst into tears but I made sure I didn't as even though she looked liked she did and couldn't move, she knew what was going on. I took a laptop with me and on it were pictures of my girls, I showed the photos to her and she responded, she tried to talk to me about them; she made no sense, however it massively brightened up her day seeing myself and pictures of her grandchildren.
My mum was there in another room, I went to see her after seeing my nan and I just burst into tears and cried like a baby on my mums shoulder; I was 38.
Anyway, this was Sunday, my nan died on the following Tuesday, it was horrible seeing her but I am so glad that I did and I was able to say my goodbyes and she could say hers to me and the girls and that little time that I was with her brightened up her day.
surveyor said:
I'm really not sure what I should be doing. I think my position is right, but am worried that it feels uncaring.
If you don't feel like going, don't see the point of going, then don't go. Don't do it just to make people feel you care, if you don't.My wifes mum died last year, in our house, and I let it be known long ago that I have no love, feelings, or time for her, and other than spending about ten thousand quid on medical care over the years I had no interest in giving her any comfort. She was a vindictive evil b1tch, who died of ignorance and selfishness!
At her funeral I didn't mope, weep or mourn, just paid the bill and had her body torched ASAP, as it cost more money to leave her laying in state for the ignorant in-laws (who had not shown their faces for years, nor contributed a cent) to come and pretend to mourn over! 28,000 pesos cremation costs, (500 quid) the last bill, good riddance! /rant
Sorry.
King Herald said:
surveyor said:
I'm really not sure what I should be doing. I think my position is right, but am worried that it feels uncaring.
If you don't feel like going, don't see the point of going, then don't go. Don't do it just to make people feel you care, if you don't.My wifes mum died last year, in our house, and I let it be known long ago that I have no love, feelings, or time for her, and other than spending about ten thousand quid on medical care over the years I had no interest in giving her any comfort. She was a vindictive evil b1tch, who died of ignorance and selfishness!
At her funeral I didn't mope, weep or mourn, just paid the bill and had her body torched ASAP, as it cost more money to leave her laying in state for the ignorant in-laws (who had not shown their faces for years, nor contributed a cent) to come and pretend to mourn over! 28,000 pesos cremation costs, (500 quid) the last bill, good riddance! /rant
Sorry.
But don't want to make things harder for my parents and aunties, and given that he is heavily sedated even if he would like to say goodbye he is unlikely to recognise me or be able to. I think his moments of lucidity are best served by others.
I'm not forgetting him, nor ignoring his fate, but respecting the type of man he was and allowing him to die in peaceful dignity, with his children. Perhaps I'm just avoiding the situation.
surveyor said:
I care. A lot.
But don't want to make things harder for my parents and aunties, and given that he is heavily sedated even if he would like to say goodbye he is unlikely to recognise me or be able to. I think his moments of lucidity are best served by others.
I'm not forgetting him, nor ignoring his fate, but respecting the type of man he was and allowing him to die in peaceful dignity, with his children.
Keep telling yourself that. But don't want to make things harder for my parents and aunties, and given that he is heavily sedated even if he would like to say goodbye he is unlikely to recognise me or be able to. I think his moments of lucidity are best served by others.
I'm not forgetting him, nor ignoring his fate, but respecting the type of man he was and allowing him to die in peaceful dignity, with his children.
surveyor said:
Perhaps I'm just avoiding the situation.
Yep. I'd say so.Listen, do you love him? If you can answer yes to that, then sod everthing and everyone else, and go.
Edited by TheJimi on Friday 27th March 21:14
surveyor said:
I care. A lot.
But don't want to make things harder for my parents and aunties, and given that he is heavily sedated even if he would like to say goodbye he is unlikely to recognise me or be able to. I think his moments of lucidity are best served by others.
I'm not forgetting him, nor ignoring his fate, but respecting the type of man he was and allowing him to die in peaceful dignity, with his children. Perhaps I'm just avoiding the situation.
Look after the living IMO. Unless you really want to be there do what will make your dad happy.But don't want to make things harder for my parents and aunties, and given that he is heavily sedated even if he would like to say goodbye he is unlikely to recognise me or be able to. I think his moments of lucidity are best served by others.
I'm not forgetting him, nor ignoring his fate, but respecting the type of man he was and allowing him to die in peaceful dignity, with his children. Perhaps I'm just avoiding the situation.
A short or not so short update. My grandpa died on the 8th of April. I said goodbye in my way. Today has been his funeral.
It's been a funny old day and I've only just clocked what an amazing guy he was. Born in 1916, he won a bursary to Kingswood School, and was put through medical school by the Methodist church. He then ran a hospital in Nigeria, and laid the foundations for what remains a huge hospital. He left Nigeria after repeated bouts of malaria, and was a GP in South Yorkshire for 30 years. He was a fantastic grandpa, but when I think of the lives he touched I'm staggered.
An example was the Methodist minister who took the service in Dorset. As it happens he grew up in South Yorkshire and was treated by my Grandpa.
Sorry for rambling. It's been an emotial day.
It's been a funny old day and I've only just clocked what an amazing guy he was. Born in 1916, he won a bursary to Kingswood School, and was put through medical school by the Methodist church. He then ran a hospital in Nigeria, and laid the foundations for what remains a huge hospital. He left Nigeria after repeated bouts of malaria, and was a GP in South Yorkshire for 30 years. He was a fantastic grandpa, but when I think of the lives he touched I'm staggered.
An example was the Methodist minister who took the service in Dorset. As it happens he grew up in South Yorkshire and was treated by my Grandpa.
Sorry for rambling. It's been an emotial day.
surveyor said:
A short or not so short update. My grandpa died on the 8th of April. I said goodbye in my way. Today has been his funeral.
It's been a funny old day and I've only just clocked what an amazing guy he was. Born in 1916, he won a bursary to Kingswood School, and was put through medical school by the Methodist church. He then ran a hospital in Nigeria, and laid the foundations for what remains a huge hospital. He left Nigeria after repeated bouts of malaria, and was a GP in South Yorkshire for 30 years. He was a fantastic grandpa, but when I think of the lives he touched I'm staggered.
An example was the Methodist minister who took the service in Dorset. As it happens he grew up in South Yorkshire and was treated by my Grandpa.
Sorry for rambling. It's been an emotial day.
My condolences for your loss, and as you say, a well lived life. Out of interest do you know when he was in Nigeria? My best friends parents were missionaries in Nigeria for the Church of Scotland, wonder whether there might have been a crossover.It's been a funny old day and I've only just clocked what an amazing guy he was. Born in 1916, he won a bursary to Kingswood School, and was put through medical school by the Methodist church. He then ran a hospital in Nigeria, and laid the foundations for what remains a huge hospital. He left Nigeria after repeated bouts of malaria, and was a GP in South Yorkshire for 30 years. He was a fantastic grandpa, but when I think of the lives he touched I'm staggered.
An example was the Methodist minister who took the service in Dorset. As it happens he grew up in South Yorkshire and was treated by my Grandpa.
Sorry for rambling. It's been an emotial day.
Rufus said:
surveyor said:
A short or not so short update. My grandpa died on the 8th of April. I said goodbye in my way. Today has been his funeral.
It's been a funny old day and I've only just clocked what an amazing guy he was. Born in 1916, he won a bursary to Kingswood School, and was put through medical school by the Methodist church. He then ran a hospital in Nigeria, and laid the foundations for what remains a huge hospital. He left Nigeria after repeated bouts of malaria, and was a GP in South Yorkshire for 30 years. He was a fantastic grandpa, but when I think of the lives he touched I'm staggered.
An example was the Methodist minister who took the service in Dorset. As it happens he grew up in South Yorkshire and was treated by my Grandpa.
Sorry for rambling. It's been an emotial day.
My condolences for your loss, and as you say, a well lived life. Out of interest do you know when he was in Nigeria? My best friends parents were missionaries in Nigeria for the Church of Scotland, wonder whether there might have been a crossover.It's been a funny old day and I've only just clocked what an amazing guy he was. Born in 1916, he won a bursary to Kingswood School, and was put through medical school by the Methodist church. He then ran a hospital in Nigeria, and laid the foundations for what remains a huge hospital. He left Nigeria after repeated bouts of malaria, and was a GP in South Yorkshire for 30 years. He was a fantastic grandpa, but when I think of the lives he touched I'm staggered.
An example was the Methodist minister who took the service in Dorset. As it happens he grew up in South Yorkshire and was treated by my Grandpa.
Sorry for rambling. It's been an emotial day.
I believe that he was there 1942-1952, at the Wesley Guild Hospital in ilesha. He actually went to university in Edinburgh, and his name was Dr John Powell
He actually wrote a book about his experiences ( and several more books after that) which might be interesting to them - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Scalpel-Spanner-A-Doctor-R...
minerva said:
Just read this thread. I am a doctor and have served with the British Army in many different countries for sixteen years so far....... Have just bought your grandfather's book. I am sure that it will be of value to me.
Would be interested to hear your thoughts on it....Id a distant cousin in a hospice Id arranged to go see him and he passed on the day before I was due to go.
Out of the blue he left me a sizable amount of money....
I regret not making the effort to get down there and see him. Hope he is up there and knows that I think of him.
forget everything that you have been told but remember once hes gone thats it. You need to go and make your peace.
so if you have not done it get some time sorted and make the trip. get in there and spend some time.
Out of the blue he left me a sizable amount of money....
I regret not making the effort to get down there and see him. Hope he is up there and knows that I think of him.
forget everything that you have been told but remember once hes gone thats it. You need to go and make your peace.
so if you have not done it get some time sorted and make the trip. get in there and spend some time.
Thread resurrection!
Well, it took a while, but I have read his book and it was truly exceptional. What an incredible man he must have been. I cannot find more hours in the day, but he was one of those rare types who seems to have done.
In all honesty, it is people like that that make the world a better place. All too often, I feel that we are surrounded by people who are very keen to satisfy themselves and to pursue personal gain and seem to gain no real enjoyment from helping and assisting others. I wish that I could have known him. Dr Powell's book "scalpel and spanner" is definitely worth a read.
Well, it took a while, but I have read his book and it was truly exceptional. What an incredible man he must have been. I cannot find more hours in the day, but he was one of those rare types who seems to have done.
In all honesty, it is people like that that make the world a better place. All too often, I feel that we are surrounded by people who are very keen to satisfy themselves and to pursue personal gain and seem to gain no real enjoyment from helping and assisting others. I wish that I could have known him. Dr Powell's book "scalpel and spanner" is definitely worth a read.
minerva said:
Thread resurrection!
Well, it took a while, but I have read his book and it was truly exceptional. What an incredible man he must have been. I cannot find more hours in the day, but he was one of those rare types who seems to have done.
In all honesty, it is people like that that make the world a better place. All too often, I feel that we are surrounded by people who are very keen to satisfy themselves and to pursue personal gain and seem to gain no real enjoyment from helping and assisting others. I wish that I could have known him. Dr Powell's book "scalpel and spanner" is definitely worth a read.
Thanks for the feedback. I have shared your kind words with others in our family and we are all very touched. Well, it took a while, but I have read his book and it was truly exceptional. What an incredible man he must have been. I cannot find more hours in the day, but he was one of those rare types who seems to have done.
In all honesty, it is people like that that make the world a better place. All too often, I feel that we are surrounded by people who are very keen to satisfy themselves and to pursue personal gain and seem to gain no real enjoyment from helping and assisting others. I wish that I could have known him. Dr Powell's book "scalpel and spanner" is definitely worth a read.
We also think Grandpa will be looking down and dancing a little jig when he see's those words
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