Potential end of a 7 year relationship...
Discussion
Some amazing advice in here.
We've spoken at length again this evening and things are looking up.
But... I've had my head in the sand for too long and I feel like I've had an issue. The £20 lunches make me feel good at the time but boy do I feel foolish now.
We were in IT Recruitment when we met before the credit crunch. I know most people's opinions on IT Recruiters (esp the contractors on this forum) and I won't lie, we were a bunch of jumped up kids with a licence to print money. This really didn't help my addiction to wanting money but to then spend it (and more) on materialistic s
t.
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this. It means a lot.
She is a fantastic lady who is worth fighting for. She wasn't the best with her money but she always had spare money at the end of the month. With the bit of inheritance she received and recent commission she has managed to save a fair bit. I need to match that now and show her that I am a man now.
We've spoken at length again this evening and things are looking up.
But... I've had my head in the sand for too long and I feel like I've had an issue. The £20 lunches make me feel good at the time but boy do I feel foolish now.
We were in IT Recruitment when we met before the credit crunch. I know most people's opinions on IT Recruiters (esp the contractors on this forum) and I won't lie, we were a bunch of jumped up kids with a licence to print money. This really didn't help my addiction to wanting money but to then spend it (and more) on materialistic s
t. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this. It means a lot.
She is a fantastic lady who is worth fighting for. She wasn't the best with her money but she always had spare money at the end of the month. With the bit of inheritance she received and recent commission she has managed to save a fair bit. I need to match that now and show her that I am a man now.
She's not. She's fixated on having a future life and it going somewhere. She's not fussed by the car I have, brands of clothes I wear or the watch on my wrist. That's all the things in my head that were important.
Unfortunately, I didn't stop to think when I was younger that most people have a house / family before getting those things.
Unfortunately, I didn't stop to think when I was younger that most people have a house / family before getting those things.
Monkeylegend said:
But the way you describe it your whole relationship seems to be about what she wants and her expecting you to conform to that.
I don't see it that way, I more see it as the OP has had 7 years when he spent everything he earned on stuff, now his OH wants to maybe think about settling down and this requires money, be it for a deposit on a house, etc...OP is still living hand to mouth and his OH is getting to end of her tether with it as it causes arguments as she is the only one putting the effort into save, this being compounded by OP spending £20 on lunch for himself on a regular basis.
I know people just like OP who have spent hundreds of thousands of pounds and still rent, at the end of the month they still don't have a pot to piss in despite being paid easily into 6 figures. Imagine you were the only one saving money in your relationship and your OH spent all their money on themselves, would that not grate after a while if they knew you were saving of a house, etc?
£20 on lunch? Christ i worry if i spend a fiver.
I pay any commitments within a couple of days of being paid, then i try and have most of my direct debits go out within a week or so of being paid. Whats left after that is mine for food shopping, fuel etc. Anything left a few days before payday i pay extra on what i owe.
I pay any commitments within a couple of days of being paid, then i try and have most of my direct debits go out within a week or so of being paid. Whats left after that is mine for food shopping, fuel etc. Anything left a few days before payday i pay extra on what i owe.
Du1point8 said:
Monkeylegend said:
But the way you describe it your whole relationship seems to be about what she wants and her expecting you to conform to that.
I don't see it that way, I more see it as the OP has had 7 years when he spent everything he earned on stuff, now his OH wants to maybe think about settling down and this requires money, be it for a deposit on a house, etc...He talks about her picking up a new car next week, so it doesn't sound like there's aggressive "settling down" saving going on.
SteveS Cup said:
But... I've had my head in the sand for too long and I feel like I've had an issue. The £20 lunches make me feel good at the time but boy do I feel foolish now.
If you have just one lunch, £20 per week is over £1000 per year!Try making home made soup, use dried herbs (basil, coriander, thyme) and you can have a million combinations. Really odd combinations like sweet potato, veg stock, coconut milk and a little curry powder tastes awesome. To give you an idea, I spend a tenner for an entire week of lunches. And I'm healthier too!
You should be concentrating on getting rid of the debt. Nice watches? sell them. Car worth more than 3k? Get rid; get a shed.
When I needed to shift my debt and save, I left my debit and credit card at home (give it to your OH!) and set a budget for each week which I would take out in cash. By virtue of paying everything in cash made me question each transaction; Do I really need this? Can I save anything? Before, I was blindly entering my pin number with no real thought to what was outgoing.
If you're giving your debit/credit card to your OH and setting a weekly budget, that would show her that you're really serious about sorting finances out.
SteveS Cup said:
She hasn't told her parents and her mum is constantly texting me as she's excited to be picking up a new car on Tuesday. So it's very awkward as I've not said anything either.
If she was entirely serious about splitting up, she would have told everyone. She wants to stay with you, but she wants/needs you need to learn a lesson about spending.Edited by MethylatedSpirit on Sunday 29th March 23:47
I think you are over complicating a simple situation. Forget all the stuff about grandparents & living arrangements. This is relatively simple & hence easy to fix if you want to.
1) She wants to be with you.
2) You have no financial self control.
3) She needs you to grow up & show some financial common sense.
4) She has asked you to do that & you have failed.
Solution is easy.
Show some financial common sense. IE Stop spending like it grows on trees.
1) She wants to be with you.
2) You have no financial self control.
3) She needs you to grow up & show some financial common sense.
4) She has asked you to do that & you have failed.
Solution is easy.
Show some financial common sense. IE Stop spending like it grows on trees.
Be honest about your spending with her, and make big steps to reducing that lunch bill, maybe just have Friday as a treat day for a start but its sandwiches and homemade stuff from now on OP. If you halved your lunch bill every day you would save a £200 a month that's £2200 a year.
IF her main gripe is your spending each month then get it sorted, It will be a bit of a bh to start off with as its a habit that you are having to break but you have to show her you are serious about it.
I've never used the service but is the money advice service good for this type of stuff?
IF her main gripe is your spending each month then get it sorted, It will be a bit of a b
h to start off with as its a habit that you are having to break but you have to show her you are serious about it.I've never used the service but is the money advice service good for this type of stuff?
If you want to stay together and finances have the potential to end that, then you need to stop the unnecessary spending.
The girlfriend and I spent several years living beyond our means and racking up credit card debt (and I'm talking serious numbers here). Through lots of hard work and sacrificing all unnecessary spending we've now been debt free for a year and are nearly £10k into saving for our deposit fund, without outside help.
We earn a pretty "normal" amount between us (though in un-equal proportions) so it shows it can be done.
The girlfriend and I spent several years living beyond our means and racking up credit card debt (and I'm talking serious numbers here). Through lots of hard work and sacrificing all unnecessary spending we've now been debt free for a year and are nearly £10k into saving for our deposit fund, without outside help.
We earn a pretty "normal" amount between us (though in un-equal proportions) so it shows it can be done.
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