Potential end of a 7 year relationship...
Discussion
GT03ROB said:
I think you are over complicating a simple situation. Forget all the stuff about grandparents & living arrangements. This is relatively simple & hence easy to fix if you want to.
1) She wants to be with you.
2) You have no financial self control.
3) She needs you to grow up & show some financial common sense.
4) She has asked you to do that & you have failed.
Solution is easy.
Show some financial common sense. IE Stop spending like it grows on trees.
You're right, I was just giving a bit of background etc. 1) She wants to be with you.
2) You have no financial self control.
3) She needs you to grow up & show some financial common sense.
4) She has asked you to do that & you have failed.
Solution is easy.
Show some financial common sense. IE Stop spending like it grows on trees.
I've come to work today armed with my lunch and gym kit so I won't need to go out and spend anything, not that I want to anyway.
I've put a large chunk of my disposable in my savings account so I hope I'm going in the right direction.
Thank you to everyone for your responses. I wasn't sure about posting here but I'm really glad I have. It sounds like my lifestyle and general spending is on the ridiculous side even for the dizzy heights of PH's powerfully built company directors!
Working it out, £10 a day average, £50 per week, £2600 a year.... If I have of saved that since I started working I would have a lovely savings nest...
hornetrider said:
So stop it then. Sounds like you potentially have a great girl and life in front of you.
Sit down with her, make a financial plan and stick to it. Job jobbed.
Voilà. From what I read it doesn't look like this relationship is doomed to failure at all.Sit down with her, make a financial plan and stick to it. Job jobbed.
Much the same as drinking, betting etc. once you get used to not spending cash here, there and everywhere, the feeling that you have to will subside.
Well from the initial post, OP has been a bad boy in the past with money, has made big changes and is paying his loans off.
His lady however demands he saves each month and has kicked him out for a month for being a naughty boy and not putting anything in his piggy bank this month.
OP is not sure whether she will take him back at the end of the 4 week trial separation but is going to save some money to prove himself to her.
Doesn't seem like the basis of a long lasting relationship to me.
Good luck OP, hope it work out for you, but I doubt it unless you are willing to be a lap dog.
His lady however demands he saves each month and has kicked him out for a month for being a naughty boy and not putting anything in his piggy bank this month.
OP is not sure whether she will take him back at the end of the 4 week trial separation but is going to save some money to prove himself to her.
Doesn't seem like the basis of a long lasting relationship to me.
Good luck OP, hope it work out for you, but I doubt it unless you are willing to be a lap dog.
Rather like people that eat too much you need a complete revision of lifestyle, habits are hard to break, especially bad ones. Sounds like you're embracing it though and can see the sense - you just need to apply it in practise and feel happier about the lentil home made soup than the £20 burger. You should do.
The thing is, you'll change the spending money on burgers and it wont matter. It's not enough of an issue on it's own, or if it is, it's come from a problem that you wont be able to fix. Something much deeper is going on there, and I think the top line argument isnt really what's driving it at all. It's just not enough, or you're not saying the whole story.
I led a very similar life to you, and I'm still paying for it now the hangover's kicked in. My wife accepts that as something I've done, sometimes still do, but we're in it together and we'll come out of it together. I have a solid plan for repayments that's put together through a third party, basically because I'm s
t with money, it's a failing I'm quite happy to recognise and accept.
But to break up because you spend money on lunches and other bits and sts, really, that's not all it's being made out to be.
Maybe she wants a part of that being spent on her, and to hell with the consequences. Why should those ttty clients get lunches and she doesnt get a treat? How come that Mini has new shiny things and she doesnt? Maybe there's a part of her that's saying you're not focussed on the right things for what she wants from a relationship?
I dont know, you probably do somewhere but either dont see it or think it's not important. It's obviously important to her, as is the situation with the house. I think she's blaming you for not scraping together a deposit to get a mortage together. Til you go deeper I think you'll just sit around confused and end up hating her for fking you over, when all the while a communication line got ignored.
I led a very similar life to you, and I'm still paying for it now the hangover's kicked in. My wife accepts that as something I've done, sometimes still do, but we're in it together and we'll come out of it together. I have a solid plan for repayments that's put together through a third party, basically because I'm s
t with money, it's a failing I'm quite happy to recognise and accept. But to break up because you spend money on lunches and other bits and s
ts, really, that's not all it's being made out to be. Maybe she wants a part of that being spent on her, and to hell with the consequences. Why should those t
tty clients get lunches and she doesnt get a treat? How come that Mini has new shiny things and she doesnt? Maybe there's a part of her that's saying you're not focussed on the right things for what she wants from a relationship? I dont know, you probably do somewhere but either dont see it or think it's not important. It's obviously important to her, as is the situation with the house. I think she's blaming you for not scraping together a deposit to get a mortage together. Til you go deeper I think you'll just sit around confused and end up hating her for f
king you over, when all the while a communication line got ignored. andy-xr said:
The thing is, you'll change the spending money on burgers and it wont matter. It's not enough of an issue on it's own, or if it is, it's come from a problem that you wont be able to fix. Something much deeper is going on there, and I think the top line argument isnt really what's driving it at all. It's just not enough, or you're not saying the whole story.
I led a very similar life to you, and I'm still paying for it now the hangover's kicked in. My wife accepts that as something I've done, sometimes still do, but we're in it together and we'll come out of it together. I have a solid plan for repayments that's put together through a third party, basically because I'm st with money, it's a failing I'm quite happy to recognise and accept.
But to break up because you spend money on lunches and other bits and sts, really, that's not all it's being made out to be.
Maybe she wants a part of that being spent on her, and to hell with the consequences. Why should those ttty clients get lunches and she doesnt get a treat? How come that Mini has new shiny things and she doesnt? Maybe there's a part of her that's saying you're not focussed on the right things for what she wants from a relationship?
I dont know, you probably do somewhere but either dont see it or think it's not important. It's obviously important to her, as is the situation with the house. I think she's blaming you for not scraping together a deposit to get a mortage together. Til you go deeper I think you'll just sit around confused and end up hating her for fking you over, when all the while a communication line got ignored.
Yes, reading this thread, I'd agree.I led a very similar life to you, and I'm still paying for it now the hangover's kicked in. My wife accepts that as something I've done, sometimes still do, but we're in it together and we'll come out of it together. I have a solid plan for repayments that's put together through a third party, basically because I'm s
t with money, it's a failing I'm quite happy to recognise and accept. But to break up because you spend money on lunches and other bits and s
ts, really, that's not all it's being made out to be. Maybe she wants a part of that being spent on her, and to hell with the consequences. Why should those t
tty clients get lunches and she doesnt get a treat? How come that Mini has new shiny things and she doesnt? Maybe there's a part of her that's saying you're not focussed on the right things for what she wants from a relationship? I dont know, you probably do somewhere but either dont see it or think it's not important. It's obviously important to her, as is the situation with the house. I think she's blaming you for not scraping together a deposit to get a mortage together. Til you go deeper I think you'll just sit around confused and end up hating her for f
king you over, when all the while a communication line got ignored. OP - I get that you've been a little frivolous with your money and that that has upset her however she doesn't seem to have dealt with it very well and offered very little in terms of support, guidance and/or advice. I would be surprised if you sorting your finances heals the relationship completely.
Speaking as someone who admittedly can be selfish at times, would you say you are selfish, be it with your time, money, affection etc.?
SteveS Cup said:
Working it out, £10 a day average, £50 per week, £2600 a year.... If I have of saved that since I started working I would have a lovely savings nest...
Is that all of your spending out of your disposable income each month?On the face of it that sounds like f
k all.As long as you meet your agreed saving/bills/going out agreements then I'd tell Doris to mind her own business.
Edited by Studio117 on Monday 30th March 09:50
Studio117 said:
SteveS Cup said:
Working it out, £10 a day average, £50 per week, £2600 a year.... If I have of saved that since I started working I would have a lovely savings nest...
Is that all of your spending out of your disposable income each month?I have a friend that has this problem, she is on a health £45k salary, doesnt drink much, don't go out spending it like its water when they do go out, they live together in a mortgage free property in London, he earns a lot more so pays more bills and entertainment, yet she never ever has any money left come the end of the month.
They are trying to buy a house outside of London and she doesnt understand the issue, as she thinks the mortgage broker will see her salary and go from there, rather than like he told her, the broker needs to see ingoings and outgoings to make sure she can afford it. So she has no real savings and he is saving hand over fist to get a decent deposit down.
He found out recently that she is paying £400+ a month in private health care for an Italian company (her parents old private health, they retired and she took it over), even though she has Bupa with work. That did not go down well at all...
DSLiverpool said:
She obviously loves you but is thinking who will keep her and her kids, she doesn't think your "the rock" for later on when she can't work. - just my thoughts
This, from what you say she's 26-27 so thinking about having babies in the next couple of years, she needs to know that you can be relied on to bring in the money whilst she takes time out to look after the babies. Or if she carries on working that you'll bring in enough because the nursery fees will eat all her wages. Du1point8 said:
Studio117 said:
SteveS Cup said:
Working it out, £10 a day average, £50 per week, £2600 a year.... If I have of saved that since I started working I would have a lovely savings nest...
Is that all of your spending out of your disposable income each month?
Reading between the lines a bit here and I might have missed it.
Have you ever had your own place, I think you lived with parents then this grandparents house. Never something that was yours (rented or mortgaged). Have you been paying market rates for your living costs?
If you have, great if not she is probably worried about losing the house and having to go back to parents or the commercial market rate. She's also probably thinking about babies. So the double whammy of increased costs and reduced income. It's not the frivolity as such it's the ability to support a change in circumstances. She's not confident you can provide.
Have you ever had your own place, I think you lived with parents then this grandparents house. Never something that was yours (rented or mortgaged). Have you been paying market rates for your living costs?
If you have, great if not she is probably worried about losing the house and having to go back to parents or the commercial market rate. She's also probably thinking about babies. So the double whammy of increased costs and reduced income. It's not the frivolity as such it's the ability to support a change in circumstances. She's not confident you can provide.
So to clarify, OP, have you built up some debts?
I think you should make your #1 priority paying these debts off.
Pretend you've just had a 20% pay cut: how would you cut your cloth accordingly? For example, I don't know what age your Mini is, but if it's worth £7k and gets 35mpg you could trade it in for something that would halve your fuel, tax, tyres and insurance bill straight off the bat.
If you're able to live with a fairly healthy positive influence on your situation at the end of each month (ie paying off debts) then you just need to continue this trend once you've paid off your debt then you're contributing to the future/saving,
I think you should make your #1 priority paying these debts off.
Pretend you've just had a 20% pay cut: how would you cut your cloth accordingly? For example, I don't know what age your Mini is, but if it's worth £7k and gets 35mpg you could trade it in for something that would halve your fuel, tax, tyres and insurance bill straight off the bat.
If you're able to live with a fairly healthy positive influence on your situation at the end of each month (ie paying off debts) then you just need to continue this trend once you've paid off your debt then you're contributing to the future/saving,
Edited by simoid on Monday 30th March 10:24
I was with the 'sort your finances and love her forever gang' at first, now I'm not so sure. You earn the money, you're entitled to spend it how you want - however, you are in a long term relationship so you should compromise.
Sounds like you guys haven't actually been that serious over the years, both living at home, no real responsibility and she is likely now thinking more about future, kids, marriage.
Personally, if you are living together then I would setup a joint account either for bills/savings - BOTH of you agree how much you can pay in each month and set up standing orders. Aside from that agree that whatever left you can spend as you both see fit. That way you don't need to feel guilty if you want a £20 lunch or if she wants to spend £50 on a haircut for instance.
Further to that, I'd say if she wouldn't accept that then I'd walk away, she'd be far too controlling and more about her needs than yours.
Good luck!
Sounds like you guys haven't actually been that serious over the years, both living at home, no real responsibility and she is likely now thinking more about future, kids, marriage.
Personally, if you are living together then I would setup a joint account either for bills/savings - BOTH of you agree how much you can pay in each month and set up standing orders. Aside from that agree that whatever left you can spend as you both see fit. That way you don't need to feel guilty if you want a £20 lunch or if she wants to spend £50 on a haircut for instance.
Further to that, I'd say if she wouldn't accept that then I'd walk away, she'd be far too controlling and more about her needs than yours.
Good luck!
Edited by ozzuk on Monday 30th March 10:44
What are your earnings in regards to each other? (i.e. are you more senior to her)
What are both of yours main expenditure? (i.e. rent, loans)
and does she have any frivolous expenditures?
if she's earning less than you and as i'm assuming you've been living rent free having money left over at the end of the month when you havn't you do need to take a serious look at yourself and your finances.
50% of you earnings for rent and bills was what i was always advised with 50% of yourself with which to save money and enjoy yourself.
What are both of yours main expenditure? (i.e. rent, loans)
and does she have any frivolous expenditures?
if she's earning less than you and as i'm assuming you've been living rent free having money left over at the end of the month when you havn't you do need to take a serious look at yourself and your finances.
50% of you earnings for rent and bills was what i was always advised with 50% of yourself with which to save money and enjoy yourself.
I appreciate that some people are better with money than others. I also appreciate that when you're young, you spend it on daft stuff and like to live the life. As an adult, you know though that you have to pay it back sooner or later.
However, consider this OP (and I'm playing devils advocate a bit here):
1. Say you "change" as per your gf's request and start saving some money. How long does that go on for; a month, a year, two years? When are you actually allowed to start enjoying the money which you work so hard for? I'm not talking about £20 lunches, I'm talking about other stuff: holidays, a new car, new games console or whatever.
2. What happens if you want to spend some of your money (I'm not talking about joint money to pay the bills etc but money YOU earn with the work YOU do)? Do you live in fear of her going ape st every time you buy something? Is that seriously how you want to live? (I know a guy who gets £7 spending money a day from his wife to spend - could you honestly live like that?)
It seems to me to be very simple: Either your GF loves you and will help you through this WITHOUT dictating what you can and can't spend your money on and what you should be saving, or she can't.
I know one thing though.....I'd never let anyone dictate to me how I spent the money I worked hard for.
You know you've got yourself into debt, and it seems like you're trying to work your way out of it. Providing you're doing that, I don't really see what more she can ask of you.
(As an aside, IMO the only way to take money out of the equation if you live with someone is to each have your own account and then one joint account for all of the rent, bills, meals out together etc which you BOTH put the same amount into and which covers everything you'll need that month.)
However, consider this OP (and I'm playing devils advocate a bit here):
1. Say you "change" as per your gf's request and start saving some money. How long does that go on for; a month, a year, two years? When are you actually allowed to start enjoying the money which you work so hard for? I'm not talking about £20 lunches, I'm talking about other stuff: holidays, a new car, new games console or whatever.
2. What happens if you want to spend some of your money (I'm not talking about joint money to pay the bills etc but money YOU earn with the work YOU do)? Do you live in fear of her going ape s
t every time you buy something? Is that seriously how you want to live? (I know a guy who gets £7 spending money a day from his wife to spend - could you honestly live like that?)It seems to me to be very simple: Either your GF loves you and will help you through this WITHOUT dictating what you can and can't spend your money on and what you should be saving, or she can't.
I know one thing though.....I'd never let anyone dictate to me how I spent the money I worked hard for.
You know you've got yourself into debt, and it seems like you're trying to work your way out of it. Providing you're doing that, I don't really see what more she can ask of you.
(As an aside, IMO the only way to take money out of the equation if you live with someone is to each have your own account and then one joint account for all of the rent, bills, meals out together etc which you BOTH put the same amount into and which covers everything you'll need that month.)
As others have said, put some proper controls in place on your accounts and show her that you're doing it. Packed lunches Monday-Thursday with a burger and pint on Friday? You don't have to cut it all out at once. It sounds like you know what you need to do and you know how to do it, you just need some form of control in place to help out.
How about a new job? More money will help you save whilst getting you away from the people who are causing you to spend.
How about a new job? More money will help you save whilst getting you away from the people who are causing you to spend.
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