Athiest and Catholic wedding ceremony
Discussion
Rick101 said:
I genuinely could not do it. I simply could not be involved with a religious person. It's too far away from my thoughts on things. I think relationships work best when you are like minded and enjoy the same things.
I don't mind folk being religious, I don't mind talking about it with them. I just choose not to spend time leisure with them.
There is no way on earth you would get me to a church wedding. My conscience would simply not allow it.
Absolutely spot on. As an atheist I could never even consider marriage to a member of the god squad, and if you're religious, how can you be married to an atheist? How can you agree to spend the rest of your life with someone whose world view is completely opposed to your own.I don't mind folk being religious, I don't mind talking about it with them. I just choose not to spend time leisure with them.
There is no way on earth you would get me to a church wedding. My conscience would simply not allow it.
My wife just had to be an atheist and a Chelsea fan. Unfortunately Nigella Lawson was taken but as luck would have it, I happened upon another one so nabbed her quick.
Thanks everyone for the responses. To answer a few questions:
She is not a strongly practicing Catholic. She goes to church perhaps twice a year these days (Easter and Christmas). Obviously in the past this has been a lot more so, especially when under parental influence. We live together, from which you can probably infer some other very non-Catholic behaviour!
I've realised, and i think she is slowly realising in herself, that her beliefs are important to her on a personal level, but not so much on the 'organised' level.
The discussion cropped up again last night, and it sounds like we'd be investigating an arrangement along the lines of a blessing in a Catholic church, but vows and whatnot in a civil kind of ceremony. This sounds like an excellent compromise, where she gets some churchy stuff done and I don't feel uncomfortable or weird about vows. We're both not too interested in the 'classic' wedding formula, having been to plenty over the last couple of years. She explained that having a full church service might be difficult anyway in reality, since she hasn't attended one regularly for a long time. She was baptised a long way from where we live now. I'm not sure even she is keen for the regular attendance and classes and other hoops we'd have to jump through.
Now i need to get on with asking her!
And to answer one very important question: my father has a Dax Cobra with an XJS v12 underneath. My car is sorted!
She is not a strongly practicing Catholic. She goes to church perhaps twice a year these days (Easter and Christmas). Obviously in the past this has been a lot more so, especially when under parental influence. We live together, from which you can probably infer some other very non-Catholic behaviour!
I've realised, and i think she is slowly realising in herself, that her beliefs are important to her on a personal level, but not so much on the 'organised' level.
The discussion cropped up again last night, and it sounds like we'd be investigating an arrangement along the lines of a blessing in a Catholic church, but vows and whatnot in a civil kind of ceremony. This sounds like an excellent compromise, where she gets some churchy stuff done and I don't feel uncomfortable or weird about vows. We're both not too interested in the 'classic' wedding formula, having been to plenty over the last couple of years. She explained that having a full church service might be difficult anyway in reality, since she hasn't attended one regularly for a long time. She was baptised a long way from where we live now. I'm not sure even she is keen for the regular attendance and classes and other hoops we'd have to jump through.
Now i need to get on with asking her!
And to answer one very important question: my father has a Dax Cobra with an XJS v12 underneath. My car is sorted!
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Rick101 said:
I genuinely could not do it. I simply could not be involved with a religious person. It's too far away from my thoughts on things. I think relationships work best when you are like minded and enjoy the same things.
I don't mind folk being religious, I don't mind talking about it with them. I just choose not to spend time leisure with them.
There is no way on earth you would get me to a church wedding. My conscience would simply not allow it.
Absolutely spot on. As an atheist I could never even consider marriage to a member of the god squad, and if you're religious, how can you be married to an atheist? How can you agree to spend the rest of your life with someone whose world view is completely opposed to your own.I don't mind folk being religious, I don't mind talking about it with them. I just choose not to spend time leisure with them.
There is no way on earth you would get me to a church wedding. My conscience would simply not allow it.
My wife just had to be an atheist and a Chelsea fan. Unfortunately Nigella Lawson was taken but as luck would have it, I happened upon another one so nabbed her quick.
We went for a country house wedding with a civil ceremony, my parents now are atheist like myself and the wife, her mum is catholic and raised her as such, but isn't a regular church goer now so the subject was never raised as to church wedding.
I think my problem with the 'Just go along with it' attitude is marriage is a massive commitment, one you are making for the rest of your life, to stand in front of my family and friends and lie to the woman I love is not something I am comfortable with.
Chris77 said:
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Rick101 said:
I genuinely could not do it. I simply could not be involved with a religious person. It's too far away from my thoughts on things. I think relationships work best when you are like minded and enjoy the same things.
I don't mind folk being religious, I don't mind talking about it with them. I just choose not to spend time leisure with them.
There is no way on earth you would get me to a church wedding. My conscience would simply not allow it.
Absolutely spot on. As an atheist I could never even consider marriage to a member of the god squad, and if you're religious, how can you be married to an atheist? How can you agree to spend the rest of your life with someone whose world view is completely opposed to your own.I don't mind folk being religious, I don't mind talking about it with them. I just choose not to spend time leisure with them.
There is no way on earth you would get me to a church wedding. My conscience would simply not allow it.
My wife just had to be an atheist and a Chelsea fan. Unfortunately Nigella Lawson was taken but as luck would have it, I happened upon another one so nabbed her quick.
We went for a country house wedding with a civil ceremony, my parents now are atheist like myself and the wife, her mum is catholic and raised her as such, but isn't a regular church goer now so the subject was never raised as to church wedding.
I think my problem with the 'Just go along with it' attitude is marriage is a massive commitment, one you are making for the rest of your life, to stand in front of my family and friends and lie to the woman I love is not something I am comfortable with.
The wife was raised a Catholic, I am a Confirmed Christian; raised as CofE, however as soon as I was old enough to make my own decisions in life I decided it didn't interest me and I didn't believe in it all; same for the wife.
There was no discussion, we both didn't want to get married in Church as we are non believers, it is wrong to do so and likewise our daughters aren't baptised.
My dad was the religious one and I think it did hurt him a bit that we didn't want to get married in a Church; in our case we could have married in the Cathedral, but he understood and respected our decision.
My sister on the other hand; she and her husband are the same as us but she likes a big show so she married in the Cathedral and both her kids are baptised; any excuse to show off as far as we are concerned.
Ironically though; given my stance on religion, my dad would have been 66 today; he died on Christmas eve, I am going up to the Cathedral tonight after work to light a candle for him and to be close to him, the Cathedral was a very special place for him and I feel that I can be close to him up there.
The argument it has you don't believe so it doesn't really matter doesn't wash with me. Thats the sort of then one of these manipulative snake oil salesman would say to try an convince those not entirely decided to just go along with it.
Much like the prevention of help to the sick and needy, allowing the hungry to starve whilst they sit in palaces of gold and of course the willful and organised abuse of children these evil twisted people will continue to ply their evil trade by any way possible.
What if she wanted you to get married in the notorious Westborough Baptist church, would you say yes ok as I don't really believe it? There was outrage in the Jewish sucking of baby cocks thread, well I don't really believe in Judaism so it doesn't matter to me.. Yeah right.
I chap I know married a few years ago to a girl who is completely f
king nutty. As well as that she is full on god botherer. Anglican I think she is. I recall he had to go to church lessons for several weeks prior to the event. As he was previously married he had to seek forgiveness for that. In addition he had to state that his son to previous wife was sin. WTF? Yes she was 20 years younger but bks would I forego my own kids for some fking magic cult.
I can only hope it's decades rather than centuries that it takes for this disease on society to be wiped out.
Much like the prevention of help to the sick and needy, allowing the hungry to starve whilst they sit in palaces of gold and of course the willful and organised abuse of children these evil twisted people will continue to ply their evil trade by any way possible.
What if she wanted you to get married in the notorious Westborough Baptist church, would you say yes ok as I don't really believe it? There was outrage in the Jewish sucking of baby cocks thread, well I don't really believe in Judaism so it doesn't matter to me.. Yeah right.
I chap I know married a few years ago to a girl who is completely f
king nutty. As well as that she is full on god botherer. Anglican I think she is. I recall he had to go to church lessons for several weeks prior to the event. As he was previously married he had to seek forgiveness for that. In addition he had to state that his son to previous wife was sin. WTF? Yes she was 20 years younger but bks would I forego my own kids for some fking magic cult. I can only hope it's decades rather than centuries that it takes for this disease on society to be wiped out.
Troubleatmill said:
The ceremony is the beginning of your troubles.
Lots of nice words about ensuring your children will be brought up in the church.
Baptism, visits from priests, ongoing pressure to get your kids to attend weekly.
First Communion etc etc etc.
Good luck.
I mentioned that earlier on. It isn't particularly onerous. As long as you don't get pressure yourself to convert, then it is all good. Just a few hours of your time to keep the peace. I even go to Church occasionally on Sunday to stay as a family. With unappreciated jokes with my children of "It burns! It burns!"/ Lots of nice words about ensuring your children will be brought up in the church.
Baptism, visits from priests, ongoing pressure to get your kids to attend weekly.
First Communion etc etc etc.
Good luck.
boxst said:
Troubleatmill said:
The ceremony is the beginning of your troubles.
Lots of nice words about ensuring your children will be brought up in the church.
Baptism, visits from priests, ongoing pressure to get your kids to attend weekly.
First Communion etc etc etc.
Good luck.
I mentioned that earlier on. It isn't particularly onerous. As long as you don't get pressure yourself to convert, then it is all good. Just a few hours of your time to keep the peace. I even go to Church occasionally on Sunday to stay as a family. With unappreciated jokes with my children of "It burns! It burns!"/ Lots of nice words about ensuring your children will be brought up in the church.
Baptism, visits from priests, ongoing pressure to get your kids to attend weekly.
First Communion etc etc etc.
Good luck.
Father Kiddifiddler will be popping around regularly to ensure you go to church etc etc
You are condemning your kids to a lifetime burden of guilt.
Simbu said:
My Catholic girlfriend and I have been having one of those 'hypothetical' discussions about what our (currently) imaginary wedding day would look like. Whenever this happens, it invariably sticks on ythe same issue; the ceremony. Now, I could just about deal with it being at a church. It's important to the OH, and hell, they're generally nice looking buildings and are well setup for the job.
I can deal with a few hymns and other churchy trimmings, they sound nice and they can be quite babble-free, and the OH would probably like them. The sticking point is on the vows and wording of the ceremony. I have no interest in declaring my vows in the name of something I, to put it mildly, consider the world's greatest con. I don't want to lie to or be a hypocrite in front of my OH, the minister, our guests or myself.
Has anyone else been in a similar position? Did you have a full Catholic ceremony and bite your tongue? Can the ceremony be 'modified'? Did you have a more ecumenical ceremony? A non church wedding?
Experiences and opinions welcomed!
Is she a practising Catholic? My wife comes from a catholic family and went to catholic school but we agreed probably best if we avoid the church on our wedding day for the reasons you outline, it was fine, she wasn't really practising the religion and no one in her family seemed to mind. But if she is devout she probably shouldn't be marrying a heathen and your going to have bigger arguments when kids emerge, lots of them if she's a proper catholic ;-)I can deal with a few hymns and other churchy trimmings, they sound nice and they can be quite babble-free, and the OH would probably like them. The sticking point is on the vows and wording of the ceremony. I have no interest in declaring my vows in the name of something I, to put it mildly, consider the world's greatest con. I don't want to lie to or be a hypocrite in front of my OH, the minister, our guests or myself.
Has anyone else been in a similar position? Did you have a full Catholic ceremony and bite your tongue? Can the ceremony be 'modified'? Did you have a more ecumenical ceremony? A non church wedding?
Experiences and opinions welcomed!
My wife is "religious" in that she was forced until about the age of 18 to follow the family religion. We offered her parents a non church wedding at a hotel paid for by us. They refused to come. Church or nothing. We had been together over 10 years at this point by the way!
After 12-18 months of arguments we flew away and just got married on a beach.
Her parents went mental, I had death threats on the phone from morons in her family.
She basically lost her whole family over it over the next couple of years. The hypocrites were quite happy to attend other weddings at registry offices or hotels. In fact they said at the time no one in their family would ever get married outside of the church... yet within 3 years there had been maybe 5 or 6 weddings in hotels.
Sad really.
After 12-18 months of arguments we flew away and just got married on a beach.
Her parents went mental, I had death threats on the phone from morons in her family.
She basically lost her whole family over it over the next couple of years. The hypocrites were quite happy to attend other weddings at registry offices or hotels. In fact they said at the time no one in their family would ever get married outside of the church... yet within 3 years there had been maybe 5 or 6 weddings in hotels.
Sad really.
red_slr said:
My wife is "religious" in that she was forced until about the age of 18 to follow the family religion. We offered her parents a non church wedding at a hotel paid for by us. They refused to come. Church or nothing. We had been together over 10 years at this point by the way!
After 12-18 months of arguments we flew away and just got married on a beach.
Her parents went mental, I had death threats on the phone from morons in her family.
She basically lost her whole family over it over the next couple of years. The hypocrites were quite happy to attend other weddings at registry offices or hotels. In fact they said at the time no one in their family would ever get married outside of the church... yet within 3 years there had been maybe 5 or 6 weddings in hotels.
Sad really.
Religious nuts, the most hypocritical people that you can come across; don't you just love em!After 12-18 months of arguments we flew away and just got married on a beach.
Her parents went mental, I had death threats on the phone from morons in her family.
She basically lost her whole family over it over the next couple of years. The hypocrites were quite happy to attend other weddings at registry offices or hotels. In fact they said at the time no one in their family would ever get married outside of the church... yet within 3 years there had been maybe 5 or 6 weddings in hotels.
Sad really.
HTP99 said:
Religious nuts, the most hypocritical people that you can come across; don't you just love em!
Despite the agreement not to have their children baptised, the religious wife of an atheist friend - decided it would be a good idea to get the kids baptised in secret from her husband.It came out years later - was not a good dinner party.
Many "lapsed" people do decide to have a priest on their deathbed.
Indoctrination is a very powerful weapon.
The kids are the ones I always feel sorry for in this situation - as they will incur the wrath, manipulation of extended family etc.
Simbu said:
Has anyone else been in a similar position? Did you have a full Catholic ceremony and bite your tongue? Can the ceremony be 'modified'? Did you have a more ecumenical ceremony? A non church wedding?
My wife was a catholic, from the Philippines, did the church thing every Friday. But after a six year 'engagement' she had just about had all the religion persuaded out of her (by me) and we had a wedding in a registry office eventually. I am as enthusiastic about religion as you appear to be, so doing the religious drivel dialogue thing in a church was a bit of a no-no for me. The church I didn't mind, same reasons as you, but I'd find it all a bit hypocritical and demeaning to go through the spiel.
We had our daughter christened in a big church, but that was the wifes idea, local tradition and all, I was just a spectator. I was carrying little 'un much of the time, and the attention a snow white baby gets from other young mums, in a church full of Filipino babies (christenings are a mass production thing in the Philippines) was great.
What the hell are you doing having "hypothetical" conversations about this sort of stuff? That's pretty serious st to be talking about with your girlfriend before you have proposed!
My advice is that there are much more interesting hypothetical conversations to have. You know "Hypothetically babes, if we ever got a bit drunk with your friend Mandy, you know the bisexual one with the amazing ass and huge tits, would you ever consider........"etc
It is a great shame that religion gets in the way of happiness so often, but if there is a chance that it will cause issues for your marriage then tread carefully. It might be that the relationship is not strong enough, or that for your GF religion is disproportionately too important - which will not work well for you if you feel so strongly about it.
Of course if this is just a question of who gives ground on the day then that is certainly something you should be able to figure out with a bit of care, empathy and bartering. You know......."OK I'll do it but remember that hypothetical chat we had about Mandy the other day?...."
FWIW I am a non believer (more disinterestedly agnostic rather than aggressively atheistic) and my wife is Catholic. We did the civil ceremony thing, but then she did not have a friend called Mandy.
t to be talking about with your girlfriend before you have proposed! My advice is that there are much more interesting hypothetical conversations to have. You know "Hypothetically babes, if we ever got a bit drunk with your friend Mandy, you know the bisexual one with the amazing ass and huge tits, would you ever consider........"etc
It is a great shame that religion gets in the way of happiness so often, but if there is a chance that it will cause issues for your marriage then tread carefully. It might be that the relationship is not strong enough, or that for your GF religion is disproportionately too important - which will not work well for you if you feel so strongly about it.
Of course if this is just a question of who gives ground on the day then that is certainly something you should be able to figure out with a bit of care, empathy and bartering. You know......."OK I'll do it but remember that hypothetical chat we had about Mandy the other day?...."
FWIW I am a non believer (more disinterestedly agnostic rather than aggressively atheistic) and my wife is Catholic. We did the civil ceremony thing, but then she did not have a friend called Mandy.
HTP99 said:
red_slr said:
My wife is "religious" in that she was forced until about the age of 18 to follow the family religion. We offered her parents a non church wedding at a hotel paid for by us. They refused to come. Church or nothing. We had been together over 10 years at this point by the way!
After 12-18 months of arguments we flew away and just got married on a beach.
Her parents went mental, I had death threats on the phone from morons in her family.
She basically lost her whole family over it over the next couple of years. The hypocrites were quite happy to attend other weddings at registry offices or hotels. In fact they said at the time no one in their family would ever get married outside of the church... yet within 3 years there had been maybe 5 or 6 weddings in hotels.
Sad really.
Religious nuts, the most hypocritical people that you can come across; don't you just love em!After 12-18 months of arguments we flew away and just got married on a beach.
Her parents went mental, I had death threats on the phone from morons in her family.
She basically lost her whole family over it over the next couple of years. The hypocrites were quite happy to attend other weddings at registry offices or hotels. In fact they said at the time no one in their family would ever get married outside of the church... yet within 3 years there had been maybe 5 or 6 weddings in hotels.
Sad really.
I'm getting married in August to a Catholic. I'm not bothered either way by religion. I don't believe in anything.
We're having a standard ceremony, not in church.
We'll be having a blessing though, as it's what she wants.
She's not what you'd call a practising Catholic, but some of her family are.
We're having a standard ceremony, not in church.
We'll be having a blessing though, as it's what she wants.
She's not what you'd call a practising Catholic, but some of her family are.
RDMcG said:
I have some experience in this as a general non-believer.
In the end, there are considerations of the bride's beliefs ,family , friends.
It is not in any way a sign-on to a religion or belief system,
What did I do?...just went with the flow. Cost me nothing, changed none of my own convictions, and avoided a useless fight.
Alternatively, if it really matters to you and she would agree, do a civil marriage.
In the end, what would spoil her day or make her happy/...these events are typically more fulfilling for the bride. (yes,yes, shoot me, sexist comment)
^^^^^^^^^ This, why upset the entire apple cart for one aspect of your beliefs on the one day most families come together.....In the end, there are considerations of the bride's beliefs ,family , friends.
It is not in any way a sign-on to a religion or belief system,
What did I do?...just went with the flow. Cost me nothing, changed none of my own convictions, and avoided a useless fight.
Alternatively, if it really matters to you and she would agree, do a civil marriage.
In the end, what would spoil her day or make her happy/...these events are typically more fulfilling for the bride. (yes,yes, shoot me, sexist comment)
I, getting married in June at a church ,neither of us a religious,I'm going today as banns are getting read,prob won't set foot in there again except the rehearsal and the big day,the vicar is actually seperator from his wife she was a bit of mental case apparently his words to us,he likes a pint of strongbow and he has a tattoo on his arm 3 feathers Wales/Cymru ,I like him proper down earth modern vicar.
Go along with it, but make it clear to the priest beforehand that you have a real problem with renouncing evil. Politely request that that bit be removed from the ceremony as a compromise.
Oh, and tell him you don't want any holy water near you either
win-win
Oh, and tell him you don't want any holy water near you either
win-win
Edited by smn159 on Sunday 5th April 10:12
I'm an atheist who married a catholic girl in church.
I bit my tongue because this is the girls day, your future wife, her mum, the inlaws, the bridesmaids.
Ok, you promise your kids will be catholic - if your gf isn't fervously religious then this will mean baptism then first communion. Maybe church for you a few times more.
Plus points are no condoms, potentially a better school for your kids.
If you love her, bite your tongue.
I bit my tongue because this is the girls day, your future wife, her mum, the inlaws, the bridesmaids.
Ok, you promise your kids will be catholic - if your gf isn't fervously religious then this will mean baptism then first communion. Maybe church for you a few times more.
Plus points are no condoms, potentially a better school for your kids.
If you love her, bite your tongue.
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