"Educating" the other half about business practices
Discussion
tell her to talk to someone on a 0 hours contract job (who gets the run around)
poor girl next door probably about 20-23ish i guess, not the brightest spoon in the picnic, but a good person. Hasnt had the best start in life, up at 5 to get bus into town to then only be told they only have 1.5 hours of work for her that day in the care home. She then gets home and gets a call asking for her to come back in, if she complains they basically blackmail her to say there wont be any more hours coming her way. So she goes in, only gets a a couple of hours. She'd be better of on benefits no doubt, less bother and probably better for her state of mind. Its easy for me to say get another job then, but she really does struggle with it all
poor girl next door probably about 20-23ish i guess, not the brightest spoon in the picnic, but a good person. Hasnt had the best start in life, up at 5 to get bus into town to then only be told they only have 1.5 hours of work for her that day in the care home. She then gets home and gets a call asking for her to come back in, if she complains they basically blackmail her to say there wont be any more hours coming her way. So she goes in, only gets a a couple of hours. She'd be better of on benefits no doubt, less bother and probably better for her state of mind. Its easy for me to say get another job then, but she really does struggle with it all
It sounds a bit like having a conversation with my dad! 
He has ran his own company for 35 years and has never, ever worked for anyone else.
Myself and my brother have always been employed by medium to large companies.
Despite employing quite a few people, when it comes to talking to me and my brother he has almost no concept of:
Holiday allowance.
Notice required to give before taking a day's holiday.
Being paid a fixed salary.
Fixed working hours.
Fixed lunch break hours and flexitime.
Contracts and terms of employment.
He'll ring me up and say stuff like "there's a big classic car auction on in London tomorrow, do you fancy going to it?"... And I'll have to remind him that I'll have to ask someone if I can have the day off, and it probably won't be possible at short notice. The concept of 'having to ask someone' confuses him
He has ran his own company for 35 years and has never, ever worked for anyone else.
Myself and my brother have always been employed by medium to large companies.
Despite employing quite a few people, when it comes to talking to me and my brother he has almost no concept of:
Holiday allowance.
Notice required to give before taking a day's holiday.
Being paid a fixed salary.
Fixed working hours.
Fixed lunch break hours and flexitime.
Contracts and terms of employment.
He'll ring me up and say stuff like "there's a big classic car auction on in London tomorrow, do you fancy going to it?"... And I'll have to remind him that I'll have to ask someone if I can have the day off, and it probably won't be possible at short notice. The concept of 'having to ask someone' confuses him
It would be very interesting to hear your wife's perspective on this, but it sounds to me like what she is telling you is :
"You are spending too much time at work, we don't have enough time together, I feel that I come below your work in your priorities and I am unhappy about the situation"
If I were you, I would forget any notion that she needs to be 'educated', and start listening to what she is telling you.
Sorry if this sounds blunt, no offence intended.
"You are spending too much time at work, we don't have enough time together, I feel that I come below your work in your priorities and I am unhappy about the situation"
If I were you, I would forget any notion that she needs to be 'educated', and start listening to what she is telling you.
Sorry if this sounds blunt, no offence intended.
andy-xr said:
You're using attack on her as a form of defence, which isnt fair. You're telling her she's dumb, she's telling you she doesnt understand why you have to work so much
She's saying 'I'd like you to commute less, you spend so much time going to work, it'd be great to have you at home'. Then you're saying 'I know, love. I'll move closer to work so it's a shorter commute for me, and we can see each other less'
That's a complete misunderstanding of what she's actually after.
The easiest way is to ask her what she thinks you should do instead, with 'anything other than that' not a valid answer. Work through it together, as in, you need and want to work, you're in an area where work is limited, you'd like to travel less (I'm assuming you would, otherwise that's a different conversation) and the money is good for the life you both want to lead.
The thing is, she'll never get fired. You could. If you lost your job, what's all the travel and hassle actually got you? If the answer is 'to where I am now' then cool, but if the answer is 'with a grumpy ex wife and nowt to show for it' then maybe it's time to take on some of her concerns and figure out what's best for both of you.
I'm not saying you should fold and go work down on the beach, you'll have needs and wants as well, but there's got to be a balance somewhere where you still get what you need and she gets to see you more and you're away less.
This is a good post. She obviously doesn't fully understand your job and what it entails (who can if their own experience is like hers?). She's saying 'I'd like you to commute less, you spend so much time going to work, it'd be great to have you at home'. Then you're saying 'I know, love. I'll move closer to work so it's a shorter commute for me, and we can see each other less'
That's a complete misunderstanding of what she's actually after.
The easiest way is to ask her what she thinks you should do instead, with 'anything other than that' not a valid answer. Work through it together, as in, you need and want to work, you're in an area where work is limited, you'd like to travel less (I'm assuming you would, otherwise that's a different conversation) and the money is good for the life you both want to lead.
The thing is, she'll never get fired. You could. If you lost your job, what's all the travel and hassle actually got you? If the answer is 'to where I am now' then cool, but if the answer is 'with a grumpy ex wife and nowt to show for it' then maybe it's time to take on some of her concerns and figure out what's best for both of you.
I'm not saying you should fold and go work down on the beach, you'll have needs and wants as well, but there's got to be a balance somewhere where you still get what you need and she gets to see you more and you're away less.
Edited by andy-xr on Tuesday 31st March 12:38
However...
She wants to spend more time with you/ have more help around the house etc. When you're prioritizing the job you're effectively telling her that she is less important as that is where you're putting your time. If she went out with her friends all the time and you only saw her for a few hours each day because of it (with her probably being really tired during them) would you be happy to live like that? It's somewhat different in that you need the money, but not everyone wants the money compared to the extra time with the other person. I get where you're coming from, but it's not too much of a relationship for her if you're not there. Generally guys often forget that and then wonder why they end up divorced with her having run off with someone who actually gave her time. Like one of the posters said earlier I suspect it will end up in a position where it is a choice between the job and her if it continues like this.
Suggest moving house - half way between your respective workplaces, or perhaps even closer to yours.
If you working late is compounded by having a long commute on top - then if your wife took part of the burden by doing the commute instead - then you would get home earlier and would therefore have more time. Of course the downside is that your wife would have less time to herself - but she may be willing if your long working hours bother her that much.
If you working late is compounded by having a long commute on top - then if your wife took part of the burden by doing the commute instead - then you would get home earlier and would therefore have more time. Of course the downside is that your wife would have less time to herself - but she may be willing if your long working hours bother her that much.
Can you arrange to have her accompany you to work for a day? Perhaps if she spends a day in the real world, seeing how real people work and make money, she will appreciate the graft you put in. She'll be more than happy to go back to her fairy tale princess lifestyle, where nothing requires any effort and money makes itself.
Mastodon2 said:
Can you arrange to have her accompany you to work for a day? Perhaps if she spends a day in the real world, seeing how real people work and make money, she will appreciate the graft you put in. She'll be more than happy to go back to her fairy tale princess lifestyle, where nothing requires any effort and money makes itself.
Partly real life, partly what people put on themselves to have a certain lifestyle though. They tend to have a much better balance over here in Norway. The other thing is depending on the girl they'd prefer you giving them time and not trying to give them a fairytale lifestyle at the cost of not spending time with them.OP - you say you have a good career. It seems you define this by your earnings.
It's OK spending lots of time working but just don't lose sight of why you go to work - hopefully it is to ensure you and your future family can enjoy a comfortable life with having to be overly concerned with money.
Just remember 'enough is as good as a feast' and try to balance the ours that you work with the hours that you spend out of work. Nobody on their deathbed says that they had wished that they had spent more time working.
Life is a gift man, try and figure out what is important or you may well die a very wealthy man.
It's OK spending lots of time working but just don't lose sight of why you go to work - hopefully it is to ensure you and your future family can enjoy a comfortable life with having to be overly concerned with money.
Just remember 'enough is as good as a feast' and try to balance the ours that you work with the hours that you spend out of work. Nobody on their deathbed says that they had wished that they had spent more time working.
Life is a gift man, try and figure out what is important or you may well die a very wealthy man.
Corporate "careers" aren't understood by everyone, I thought I understood them after giving most of my 20s to a big company, heart and soul, only to realise I was being fycked in the arse for the best years of my life, you wouldn't catch me doing that s
t again, I earn far more now and please myself largely.
Maybe your girlfriend knows something you don't?
t again, I earn far more now and please myself largely.Maybe your girlfriend knows something you don't?
Thanks all for the feedback. I'm not going to divulge into salaries obviously but I earn significantly more that she does and she does very well for herself anyway. The point is, I am the primary earner.
Perhaps my wording wasn't exactly spot on at the original time of posting but ultimately when we get married, it'll be me supporting our family when we finally have one, and that's in the not too distant future.
What I didn't mentioned before is she is a single child and her parents pretty much give her everything she needs on top of her normal work salary. They're very well off and while she says she isn't spoilt by them, she clearly is and they make her life incredibly easy. That isn't to say this doesn't benefit me too, as of course it does. I'm very fond of my in-laws as they are of me and they treat me very generously and as a son, but I don't like taking from them. They have offered in the past and it's made me very uncomfortable and while I've borrowed small amounts from them (for my car for example, rather than the bank at their insistence), I have paid them back with interest.
From my point of view, she has a very cushy life and even if she doesn't earn much, her parents will always be there to support her and I never want to be reliant on them for myself or my future family. I'm too proud for that.
Her view on things is sometimes very naive and unrealistic and while she's a very smart girl and very competent in what she does for her work and managing everything, she simply lacks sometimes what I think is a real world view and the reality of a job with high wages to pay for the lifestyle we currently live.
She's more than once said she doesn't need all the nice things we have, but I don't believe that song will ring true once we remove her convertible, 3 bedroom home in the middle of an exclusive golf resort, meals out 1-2 times a week, buying of good food, nice clothes and regular holidays all stop.....
Perhaps my wording wasn't exactly spot on at the original time of posting but ultimately when we get married, it'll be me supporting our family when we finally have one, and that's in the not too distant future.
What I didn't mentioned before is she is a single child and her parents pretty much give her everything she needs on top of her normal work salary. They're very well off and while she says she isn't spoilt by them, she clearly is and they make her life incredibly easy. That isn't to say this doesn't benefit me too, as of course it does. I'm very fond of my in-laws as they are of me and they treat me very generously and as a son, but I don't like taking from them. They have offered in the past and it's made me very uncomfortable and while I've borrowed small amounts from them (for my car for example, rather than the bank at their insistence), I have paid them back with interest.
From my point of view, she has a very cushy life and even if she doesn't earn much, her parents will always be there to support her and I never want to be reliant on them for myself or my future family. I'm too proud for that.
Her view on things is sometimes very naive and unrealistic and while she's a very smart girl and very competent in what she does for her work and managing everything, she simply lacks sometimes what I think is a real world view and the reality of a job with high wages to pay for the lifestyle we currently live.
She's more than once said she doesn't need all the nice things we have, but I don't believe that song will ring true once we remove her convertible, 3 bedroom home in the middle of an exclusive golf resort, meals out 1-2 times a week, buying of good food, nice clothes and regular holidays all stop.....
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