Who's 30+ and has no kids through choice?
Discussion
andy-xr said:
It's kind of assumed that a Perfect Life should be that you marry in your 20's, settle down, get a mortgage, have a family.
That's a generational thing I think for those of us now in our 30s/40s. Our parents defined that "perfect life". We realised that it doesn't have to be like that. Hardly any of my friends from school, uni or work had kids in their 20s. Many still have no kids now we're approaching 40.Mafffew said:
Both of our mothers are constantly saying "oh you'll change your mind", "oh but I want to be a grandmother" etc.
We're getting this pressure too, it's really damned annoying...Especially when we get a guilt trip from my FiL who's convinced he's going to die this year.
Edited by HarryFlatters on Tuesday 12th May 10:08
anonymous said:
[redacted]
This is a difficult one, having kids in late 30's means you have got most of the partying out of your system & are ready to ease off, also you will have more money & a better suited house BUT you don't have the energy of a 20 year old.have kids in your 20's & you may resent it when your mates are going out & you have to stay in watching pepa pig.
I think you will know if you want them or not but I have to say there is nothing wrong with not having kids if you feel they are not for you, it is the muppets that have kids knowing full well they will dislike them even before they are born, it is not the kids fault
Interesting question.
I'm 47 and did not have kids with my previous partner although we were together for 15 years. Both busy with work, careers, going out, travelling, having a good time etc.
Then she started developing some serious mental health issue so we agreed that she could not cope with a child until better...she didn't get better and we had to split up about 18 months ago.
She definitely regrets not having kids and is too old now - and still unwell.
Me, I wasn't too sure if I regretted it or not. Its only in the last few years that I kind of 'got' kids and now I sort of wish I had done.
I did go out with a girl last year who was 38 and this was very much on the agenda. That didn't work out but I am now seeing a 30 year old and this is definitely part of the deal! We'll have to see how that pans out....
I'm 47 and did not have kids with my previous partner although we were together for 15 years. Both busy with work, careers, going out, travelling, having a good time etc.
Then she started developing some serious mental health issue so we agreed that she could not cope with a child until better...she didn't get better and we had to split up about 18 months ago.
She definitely regrets not having kids and is too old now - and still unwell.
Me, I wasn't too sure if I regretted it or not. Its only in the last few years that I kind of 'got' kids and now I sort of wish I had done.
I did go out with a girl last year who was 38 and this was very much on the agenda. That didn't work out but I am now seeing a 30 year old and this is definitely part of the deal! We'll have to see how that pans out....
red_slr said:
What also bothers me is look at the state most 20-25 year olds are in now. They either have to get bank of mum and dad to help them get on the housing ladder or they are in rental for a long while. I can only imagine what the situation will be in another 20+ years.
This is kind of something I alluded to earlier, but 'normal life of what was/is expected from someone now in their 40s or 50s is that young'uns will buy a house. The thing is, today, you cant do it as easily as what you could 10 years ago, and it was even easier 20 years ago. There's actually nothing wrong with renting. A lot of Europeans do, and Americans for that matter too. I worked in Hamburg for a while, and that place has so much old money that if you're not gifted a place, there's f
k all chance of you being able to buy one on your own two feet. It's not dead money if you dont want to own your own piece of land in 30 years. I am well and truly in the other camp! I am 25, been with my wife 10 years, married 3 and have a 2 year old boy, 1 year old girl and twins on the way!!
I love it. I love the busy house, there is always something going on. I have a good job and am more than able to provide for them. Money can be tight and I can't buy everything I want but have my toys (mountain bikes) and have time to use them.
Nothing pisses me off more than people saying "you are wasting the best years of your life". No I'm not, I have plenty of energy to run around with them all day and wouldn't want to be doing it at 40!
I don't think anyone should feel pressured into kids. I however, wouldn't know what I'd do without them.
I love it. I love the busy house, there is always something going on. I have a good job and am more than able to provide for them. Money can be tight and I can't buy everything I want but have my toys (mountain bikes) and have time to use them.
Nothing pisses me off more than people saying "you are wasting the best years of your life". No I'm not, I have plenty of energy to run around with them all day and wouldn't want to be doing it at 40!
I don't think anyone should feel pressured into kids. I however, wouldn't know what I'd do without them.
47 here and single/no sprogs. The "I want Grandchildren" thingy is a right PIA. Out of 3 brothers in our late 40s/50s, she's now got one grandchild, and that was an accident.
As others have said, each to their own but I think there far too many people in the world. Do not wish to add to the drain on resources.
As others have said, each to their own but I think there far too many people in the world. Do not wish to add to the drain on resources.
Silvs said:
Nothing pisses me off more than people saying "you are wasting the best years of your life". No I'm not, I have plenty of energy to run around with them all day and wouldn't want to be doing it at 40!
I would never say that to anyone with a family but equally it annoys me when friends say "You don't know what you're missing". Lets face it, it suits some people and not others. I just think people should give all the options some serious thought and not just enter into it blindly as its the thing to do.
I have friends who had kids and really shouldn't and others who never got round to it and now bitterly regret it
Janluke said:
I would never say that to anyone with a family but equally it annoys me when friends say "You don't know what you're missing".
Lets face it, it suits some people and not others. I just think people should give all the options some serious thought and not just enter into it blindly as its the thing to do.
I have friends who had kids and really shouldn't and others who never got round to it and now bitterly regret it
I don't think I'd ever say that to someone who doesn't have kids. You never really know why they don't want them. Some may say they don't, but in reality they can't. It's a very personal thing. Lets face it, it suits some people and not others. I just think people should give all the options some serious thought and not just enter into it blindly as its the thing to do.
I have friends who had kids and really shouldn't and others who never got round to it and now bitterly regret it
There a certain days that I would love to be childless!!
HarryFlatters said:
We're getting this pressure too, it's really damned annoying...
Especially when we get a guilt trip from my FiL who's convinced he's going to die this year.
Oh don't, my future MiL is something similar, every time there is any drama. It all starts with "I'll be gone soon" yadayadayadayada. But apparently "Jesus will show you", yes of course he will Especially when we get a guilt trip from my FiL who's convinced he's going to die this year.
Edited by HarryFlatters on Tuesday 12th May 10:08
Snowedunder said:
59 and raising my 3 year old granddaughter.
Not through choice, but either we did it or she would have ended up in care.
15 months since she came here. Didn't see that coming but what can you do? Her needs are greater than mine.
I think that's a different situation altogether. I have a niece and if anything happened to my brother and his wife I'd step up because as you say "what can you do"Not through choice, but either we did it or she would have ended up in care.
15 months since she came here. Didn't see that coming but what can you do? Her needs are greater than mine.
All the very best
I'm 46 and recently divorced with two kids aged 18 and 15.
To be honest, I wasn't fussed about having kids, but it was a big deal for my ex-wife.
I have no regrets and certainly can't imagine life without them.
But life was bloody hard. She took the better part of ten years out of work to raise the kids. I just worked like a nutter to make up the difference. My late twenties and all my thirties were just a blur.
In the end, the relationship broke down after 20 years of marriage. So now I find myself facing a fresh start in life.
I am glad I started early. The fact that my kids are pretty much adults makes things a lot easier now. I feel like I am getting a second shot at life.
My brother has no kids and lives the life of a self indulgent bachelor. I must admit that there were times I felt rather jealous of his lifestyle. I suppose I still am, for he travelled a lot, and spent a long time living abroad.
But these days he and I are in a broadly similar situation, only I also have the joys, the worries and the responsibilities of two teenage daughters.
If I have anything positive to contribute to this debate, it would be this:
Either don't have kids, or have them when you are young.
It seems to have worked for my brother and for me, but I know there will be loads of blokes out there who have started late and who are loving it.
To be honest, I wasn't fussed about having kids, but it was a big deal for my ex-wife.
I have no regrets and certainly can't imagine life without them.
But life was bloody hard. She took the better part of ten years out of work to raise the kids. I just worked like a nutter to make up the difference. My late twenties and all my thirties were just a blur.
In the end, the relationship broke down after 20 years of marriage. So now I find myself facing a fresh start in life.
I am glad I started early. The fact that my kids are pretty much adults makes things a lot easier now. I feel like I am getting a second shot at life.
My brother has no kids and lives the life of a self indulgent bachelor. I must admit that there were times I felt rather jealous of his lifestyle. I suppose I still am, for he travelled a lot, and spent a long time living abroad.
But these days he and I are in a broadly similar situation, only I also have the joys, the worries and the responsibilities of two teenage daughters.
If I have anything positive to contribute to this debate, it would be this:
Either don't have kids, or have them when you are young.
It seems to have worked for my brother and for me, but I know there will be loads of blokes out there who have started late and who are loving it.
Just turned 51. Never REALLY been bothered about it but first wife and I talked about it early on and put it off until we were more financially secure - she then unfortunately had health issues and a hysterectomy. At that point there was a huge "oh crap, I wish I'd had some now" moment but we got over it - she didn't want to adopt and I didn't push it. Many years later I'm in my second marriage and my wife has 2 grown up kids (1 temporarily living with us)...and has sometimes wished she hadn't! We've looked after her dad for the last few years. He's now passed away and we're both looking forward to the freedom to do as we please going forward.
Sometimes I think it would have been nice to have 1 or 2 - and I know people who have kids saying you just adjust your life to suit - but to be honest I enjoy doing what I want, when I want, and have no complaints.
Sometimes I think it would have been nice to have 1 or 2 - and I know people who have kids saying you just adjust your life to suit - but to be honest I enjoy doing what I want, when I want, and have no complaints.
I have just turned 58, (where the heck did the time go), & have no children through choice.
I have been married twice & have had 2 other long term relationships, & the subject of children was discussed early in each one, no point falling in love with someone who really wanted kids in my opinion.
I had the snip when I was 28 & have had to suffer regular digs from my father as I am the last male in my family so the name will die with me. Not once have I regretted my decision, they just were not for me; all my friends but 1 have children & I like/love most of them, in fact I am a godfather to more than one & my best friends son is named after me, so I am not anti children per se.
I always said that if I were to change my mind then I would rather adopt, there are far too many unwanted children in the world & I would have rather made one of those children happy than create my own, my blood line is not so precious to me so should that have happened the child would have been loved just the same.
I have been married twice & have had 2 other long term relationships, & the subject of children was discussed early in each one, no point falling in love with someone who really wanted kids in my opinion.
I had the snip when I was 28 & have had to suffer regular digs from my father as I am the last male in my family so the name will die with me. Not once have I regretted my decision, they just were not for me; all my friends but 1 have children & I like/love most of them, in fact I am a godfather to more than one & my best friends son is named after me, so I am not anti children per se.
I always said that if I were to change my mind then I would rather adopt, there are far too many unwanted children in the world & I would have rather made one of those children happy than create my own, my blood line is not so precious to me so should that have happened the child would have been loved just the same.
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