Is 15 years difference going to be a problem?

[AJL308]

Ari said:

A friend of mine's daughter (mid/late 20s I think, quite attractive, smart, driven) is currently marrying an older guy (I forget the actual age difference).

Her feelings on the matter was simply that all the guys she met around her own age were idiots - adult children basically.

She found the only way she could find someone that wasn't an overgrown baby was to find someone a bit older.

She might just have been unlucky I guess.

I don't think she's just been unlucky. This, essentially, seems to be what I'm hearing over and over again. Too many insecure, over-grown kids often living pay-day to pay-day and often with very little respect for women and often treat them like st.

What I think it is is that girls mature faster than boys and the ones with their head screwed on properly, the ones with some ambition and drive about them and want to do something productive with their lives - whether that be in business, career or raising a family - are seeking out stability more than anything else. Not wealth or prosperity or security, as such, but stability. Young immature boys aren't providing that. They probably never have done but modern technology (internet) makes it much easier for these women to bypass the children and go straight to what they want.

[RC1807]

AJL308 said:

...stuff...

Worst "I'm dating a hot, young thing" post, ever?

[Ari]

AJL308 said:

I don't think she's just been unlucky. This, essentially, seems to be what I'm hearing over and over again. Too many insecure, over-grown kids often living pay-day to pay-day and often with very little respect for women and often treat them like st.

What I think it is is that girls mature faster than boys and the ones with their head screwed on properly, the ones with some ambition and drive about them and want to do something productive with their lives - whether that be in business, career or raising a family - are seeking out stability more than anything else. Not wealth or prosperity or security, as such, but stability. Young immature boys aren't providing that. They probably never have done but modern technology (internet) makes it much easier for these women to bypass the children and go straight to what they want.

Quite. Middle aged men like

AJL308 said:

I live comfortably due to a tiny mortgage and no other debt and nothing more

Of course if we were REALLY cynical we could look to what happens to that almost paid for house when these pretty young things move in and get 'accidentally' pregnant, but that would be really cynical...

[Cold]

RC1807 said:

AJL308 said:

...stuff...

Worst "I'm dating a hot, young thing" post, ever?

Most definitely.

[Frank7]

Jagmanv12 said:

Only likely if you have the potential to be a sugar daddy.

With all due respect, that is totally cynical hogwash in my case.
My wife is 19 years younger than me, she’s never taken, nor asked for, one thin dime from me in the thirty plus years that we’ve been together.
We have no kids though, I laid that out when it was obvious that we were getting serious.
I didn’t demand that it had to be that way, I have two sons from my first marriage, and I told my then girlfriend, “I’ve been poor, now I’m comfortable, I don’t fancy being poor again, if you REALLY can’t see yourself without kids in the future, then walk away, and I hope you’ll find happiness.”
Fortunately for me she stayed, my grandkids call her the bestest other grandma, and she loves it.

[AJL308]

Ari said:

Ade07 said:

Well said! My wife is 31 and I am 52, not an issue at all. Just be happy and get on with your lives...

How would you feel about being 52 and married to a 73 year old I wonder..?

I genuinely think it's different for women. Women aren't as driven by looks as men are. It's basic biology and evolution when you think about it. Women have evolved to look for success and stability in a mate. Men to look for attractive features, clear skin and good health as that's what produces quality offspring. It's only very recently in human history that a man averaging beyond 35 has become the norm and if you got to the upper end of human lifespan 1,000 years ago you were successful and, hence, a good bet as a mate as your children are more likely to do well. You can't really argue with evolution.

I'd also add that none of the women I've been out with have had any qualms or seemed the least bit reluctant at all. I always make a point of asking more than once if they're totally comfortable going out with a much older bloke and none have backed out after that. They know and are happy with what they want and have definitely thought things through.

[Oakey]

Ari said:

Of course if we were REALLY cynical we could look to what happens to that almost paid for house when these pretty young things move in and get 'accidentally' pregnant, but that would be really cynical...

I'm noticing a lot of cynicism from you lately Ari, what's happened? You're usually the one to call out PH'ers for the 'SWT' thing.

[AJL308]

Ari said:

Of course if we were REALLY cynical we could look to what happens to that almost paid for house when these pretty young things move in and get 'accidentally' pregnant, but that would be really cynical...

You are really cynical, and a bit slow, if you thought it hadn't occurred to me. I couldn't care less if that happened. I'd have had kids years ago if it were solely up to me. What's going to happen to my house? - nothing unless I marry someone. The outcome for me, financially speaking, would be no different had I had kids with the ex.

[AJL308]

RC1807 said:

AJL308 said:

...stuff...

Worst "I'm dating a hot, young thing" post, ever?

Most poorly concealed "dripping with envy" post, ever?

[AJL308]

Frank7 said:

Jagmanv12 said:

Only likely if you have the potential to be a sugar daddy.

With all due respect, that is totally cynical hogwash in my case.
My wife is 19 years younger than me, she’s never taken, nor asked for, one thin dime from me in the thirty plus years that we’ve been together.
We have no kids though, I laid that out when it was obvious that we were getting serious.
I didn’t demand that it had to be that way, I have two sons from my first marriage, and I told my then girlfriend, “I’ve been poor, now I’m comfortable, I don’t fancy being poor again, if you REALLY can’t see yourself without kids in the future, then walk away, and I hope you’ll find happiness.”
Fortunately for me she stayed, my grandkids call her the bestest other grandma, and she loves it.

Agreed. I certainly don't have that potential (well, I suppose you could argue that anyone does in theory) and I see little evidence that all these women are nasty, money-grabbing little harlots out for a quick few quid or to have their every financial whim taken care of 25 hours a day whilst residing in a bloody great mansion. Any of them could easily bag a footballer or similarly moneyed bloke with great ease if they wanted.

[Shnozz]

AJL308 said:

Ari said:

A friend of mine's daughter (mid/late 20s I think, quite attractive, smart, driven) is currently marrying an older guy (I forget the actual age difference).

Her feelings on the matter was simply that all the guys she met around her own age were idiots - adult children basically.

She found the only way she could find someone that wasn't an overgrown baby was to find someone a bit older.

She might just have been unlucky I guess.

I don't think she's just been unlucky. This, essentially, seems to be what I'm hearing over and over again. Too many insecure, over-grown kids often living pay-day to pay-day and often with very little respect for women and often treat them like st.

What I think it is is that girls mature faster than boys and the ones with their head screwed on properly, the ones with some ambition and drive about them and want to do something productive with their lives - whether that be in business, career or raising a family - are seeking out stability more than anything else. Not wealth or prosperity or security, as such, but stability. Young immature boys aren't providing that. They probably never have done but modern technology (internet) makes it much easier for these women to bypass the children and go straight to what they want.

Whilst I do agree with the assessment of 20 something men (on the whole), I see little difference in the women of that age.

I am 39 and live in the centre of a city so out and about 3/4 nights a week and regularly get hit on by women 18 - 30. Flattering, yes, but hold no attraction to me. I dont find naivety sexy, and nor can I abide by countless selfies in the right bars or with carefully positioned cocktails on the table. Whilst i can see that many of the guys in the 20 - 30 bracket are just grown children, so too are the women. Generalising, of course, but that is my overview. The difference in the OP's case may be the birth of a child, which often lends itself to an immediate need to have to become an adult.

[PW555]

My old man is nearly 30 years older than his 2nd wife, they have a wonderful relationship and have had a further 2 children together, the problem is while I can clearly see she loves and is devoted to him she's going to be a very young widow. We have talked about it and she accepts that she is now moving into the carer stage of their relationship and although he is still a spritely bugger the old age is catching up, she is terrified of losing him, and I totally empathise, you could say "You made your bed" etc but its quite sad really...

[AJL308]

PW555 said:

My old man is nearly 30 years older than his 2nd wife, they have a wonderful relationship and have had a further 2 children together, the problem is while I can clearly see she loves and is devoted to him she's going to be a very young widow. We have talked about it and she accepts that she is now moving into the carer stage of their relationship and although he is still a spritely bugger the old age is catching up, she is terrified of losing him, and I totally empathise, you could say "You made your bed" etc but its quite sad really...

I completely see your concerns but is it actually worse that it would be had they both been in their 90's when he went? All your friends are dead, close family are advancing in age and she's too frail to even get to the funeral? I doubt it will be any better emotionally, and possibly it may be worse, but at least with a 30 year age difference she she still has a lot of quality years ahead rather than simply marking time until she joins him?

Edited by AJL308 on Thursday 8th March 15:48

[AJL308]

Shnozz said:

AJL308 said:

Ari said:

A friend of mine's daughter (mid/late 20s I think, quite attractive, smart, driven) is currently marrying an older guy (I forget the actual age difference).

Her feelings on the matter was simply that all the guys she met around her own age were idiots - adult children basically.

She found the only way she could find someone that wasn't an overgrown baby was to find someone a bit older.

She might just have been unlucky I guess.

I don't think she's just been unlucky. This, essentially, seems to be what I'm hearing over and over again. Too many insecure, over-grown kids often living pay-day to pay-day and often with very little respect for women and often treat them like st.

What I think it is is that girls mature faster than boys and the ones with their head screwed on properly, the ones with some ambition and drive about them and want to do something productive with their lives - whether that be in business, career or raising a family - are seeking out stability more than anything else. Not wealth or prosperity or security, as such, but stability. Young immature boys aren't providing that. They probably never have done but modern technology (internet) makes it much easier for these women to bypass the children and go straight to what they want.

Whilst I do agree with the assessment of 20 something men (on the whole), I see little difference in the women of that age.

I am 39 and live in the centre of a city so out and about 3/4 nights a week and regularly get hit on by women 18 - 30. Flattering, yes, but hold no attraction to me. I dont find naivety sexy, and nor can I abide by countless selfies in the right bars or with carefully positioned cocktails on the table. Whilst i can see that many of the guys in the 20 - 30 bracket are just grown children, so too are the women. Generalising, of course, but that is my overview. The difference in the OP's case may be the birth of a child, which often lends itself to an immediate need to have to become an adult.

I see your points but drunk young lasses in a bar are probably not the same ones who are actively looking (when sober) for older men. None of the ones I've met have been particularly naive or dim but seem to have just become fed up with 'boys' who treat them like crap or take them for granted. None of them need to go searching for any particular type of man, be that older ones, younger ones, good looking ones, or anything like that. They could have any bloke they want whenever they want. They choose to look for older and generally more stable men though.

[Shnozz]

AJL308 said:

I see your points but drunk young lasses in a bar are probably not the same ones who are actively looking (when sober) for older men. None of the ones I've met have been particularly naive or dim but seem to have just become fed up with 'boys' who treat them like crap or take them for granted. None of them need to go searching for any particular type of man, be that older ones, younger ones, good looking ones, or anything like that. They could have any bloke they want whenever they want. They choose to look for older and generally more stable men though.

It was a more expansive survey to be honest than the ones falling out of their tops in bars. Friends, friends of friends, social media observation of friends and relatives, friends of my girlfriend etc.

Hand to mouth in 99% of cases, no mortgage (often never had one), no practical life skills, call in someone to put up a shelf and wouldn't know what a spirit level or a rawl plug was if it hit them in the face. Hobbies of drinking wine in front of Made in Chelsea.

Yes, they want a man who can maintain a good job, pay his own way, have his own house, know what he wants, needs for no one in his laundry, his cooking or his life in general. That's attractive to them - and rightly so. Most "men" these days can offer few of these. Hand to mouth living worrying about what hair product to buy for the photo on the Gram on a Saturday in the right bar.

But the self-sufficiency and adulthood of the man so sought after is rarely replicated. I guess for the most part, pert apparatus is enough to act as a magnet so little need. However, my point remains that the failure to step into grown up world is on both sexes and not limited to males.

What do I care anyway, it's to my benefit.

[Ari]

AJL308 said:

Ari said:

Ade07 said:

Well said! My wife is 31 and I am 52, not an issue at all. Just be happy and get on with your lives...

How would you feel about being 52 and married to a 73 year old I wonder..?

I genuinely think it's different for women. Women aren't as driven by looks as men are. It's basic biology and evolution when you think about it. Women have evolved to look for success and stability in a mate. Men to look for attractive features, clear skin and good health as that's what produces quality offspring. It's only very recently in human history that a man averaging beyond 35 has become the norm and if you got to the upper end of human lifespan 1,000 years ago you were successful and, hence, a good bet as a mate as your children are more likely to do well. You can't really argue with evolution.

It's a lovely theory. Now go and find twenty 52 year old women and ask them how they actually feel about a 73 year old lover.

And how they feel about caring for an 80 year old when they're just 59...

[Ari]

Oakey said:

Ari said:

Of course if we were REALLY cynical we could look to what happens to that almost paid for house when these pretty young things move in and get 'accidentally' pregnant, but that would be really cynical...

I'm noticing a lot of cynicism from you lately Ari, what's happened? You're usually the one to call out PH'ers for the 'SWT' thing.

In my defence, I did say REALLY cynical!

But to answer your question, probably spent a little too much time reading the relationship threads on Pistonheads.

[Ari]

AJL308 said:

You are really cynical, and a bit slow, if you thought it hadn't occurred to me. I couldn't care less if that happened. I'd have had kids years ago if it were solely up to me. What's going to happen to my house? - nothing unless I marry someone. The outcome for me, financially speaking, would be no different had I had kids with the ex.

Good luck.

[Blown2CV]

MissChief said:

I'm 40, Lady at work is 25. (I was going to right 'girl at work'?!)

15 years isn't a big deal right? Half your age+7 is also crap. Isn't it?

Not sure I want to do the whole 'small boy' thing again though. My youngest is 13, she has a five year old. Anyway, I doubt it would be something mega serious. And I'm rambling. 15 years difference is doable, right?

i am sure it has been noted already but this wording makes it sounds like she might not even be aware of your existence and you're already planning your future together. She has expressed an interest in you i presume old boy? Yea I think it would be an issue by the way.

[LosingGrip]

Not as big a gap as some on here, but my girlfriend is 19 and I'm 28. I was a little worried about it when we first met (online), but we get on fantastically. We have the same interests, but also separate ones which helps. She knows a lot about cars as well which is a bonus! But doesn't like driving which suits me as I love driving and don't like being a passenger!

I did feel very old when she said she hasn't watched Father Ted before...Googled it and it stopped before she was born...

I think it helps I'm rather childish at times...