a discussion about ageing parents and death.
Discussion
I'm heading up to 50 soon enough and I have parents who are at that age where they their death becomes more than a passing thought entertained by them in reflective moments.
In fact, it has become more than a passing thought - not an obsession, but at times it is as death has left a calling card with 'catch up sometime soon', written upon it's vellum in a stern font.
I know I'm not alone in this, I know for some of you it must be the same, so tell me please, how do you handle parents (as in your own thoughts and feelings, as well as helping them with theirs), who seem focused on the end of life. The death of my wife profoundly affected them, and it seems they go to a funeral of someone they know every other week or so.
I love them dearly, I'll miss them then they are gone, but at times their focus on death makes it challenging to say the least.
In fact, it has become more than a passing thought - not an obsession, but at times it is as death has left a calling card with 'catch up sometime soon', written upon it's vellum in a stern font.
I know I'm not alone in this, I know for some of you it must be the same, so tell me please, how do you handle parents (as in your own thoughts and feelings, as well as helping them with theirs), who seem focused on the end of life. The death of my wife profoundly affected them, and it seems they go to a funeral of someone they know every other week or so.
I love them dearly, I'll miss them then they are gone, but at times their focus on death makes it challenging to say the least.
I found it best not to dress it up. Treat it exactly how it is. There are fewer years ahead than there are behind...so lets enjoy them.
If they get dementia though one thing to remember is that bad news is heard for the first time every day. If there's no need to give it to them then they don't need the information.
My dear old Mum lost her marbles just slightly before the diagnosis of terminal heart disease. She didn't remember the diagnosis clearly so the white lie that the residential care home she was in was a "convalescence" after a heart attack was kinder. At the end she couldn't remember why she was there so was "on a residential course" and "going home tomorrow". That tomorrow she passed. Much better than it could have been...
If they get dementia though one thing to remember is that bad news is heard for the first time every day. If there's no need to give it to them then they don't need the information.
My dear old Mum lost her marbles just slightly before the diagnosis of terminal heart disease. She didn't remember the diagnosis clearly so the white lie that the residential care home she was in was a "convalescence" after a heart attack was kinder. At the end she couldn't remember why she was there so was "on a residential course" and "going home tomorrow". That tomorrow she passed. Much better than it could have been...
Yes, mine are a bit like that. Admittedly they ARE old, my Father is 86 and my Mother just over 80, but they have taken the 'death' thing to extremes. Last week they informed me that they have been to see a funeral director and arranged/paid for their funerals so it doesn't inconvenience me too much. I was a bit shocked.
boxst said:
Yes, mine are a bit like that. Admittedly they ARE old, my Father is 86 and my Mother just over 80, but they have taken the 'death' thing to extremes. Last week they informed me that they have been to see a funeral director and arranged/paid for their funerals so it doesn't inconvenience me too much. I was a bit shocked.
.. and this is what gets me to. I understand the whole 'making it easier for you so you don't have to worry about anything...' I get that, I really do, but it's almost as if they've given up on living. It just does my head in.I think if you make near 50 (Jeremy Kyle style generation gaps excepted) parents will be old and worrying about what comes next. When I'm 50 my dad will be 76 and mum 75. Except I'm 39 and Mum has been gone for over 3 years and was unwell for 18 months before she went.
I guess what I'm getting at is be grateful for the time you do get with them...
I guess what I'm getting at is be grateful for the time you do get with them...
I lost both my parents before I was 40. They had me much later in life but you always think they are going to live forever. But as time moves on you can see that they ARE getting older.
My father had Parkinsons and had given up. He was always a very strong proud old fashioned man (suit, tie, hat) who never discussed his feelings but I was shocked one day when he took me to one side to talk about what he had left me in his will. He had sorted all his affairs before the end and it was like he knew time was short and although he wanted to live to 102 he died aged 87. I think the low points for him was me having to get him out of the bath.
It was hard to see him in the hospital and he stayed in a coma for 2 weeks before he died and although he never hit me his word WAS God and yes, I was scared of him. But he looked so small, so insignificant.
My mother always moaned about dad but when he died she seemed so lost and I know she missed him. She died 5 years later with heart trouble and also lost her marbles. It was so hard that the person you are talking to has no real idea who you are. I remember telling her that she cannot leave the Hospital as she was trying to sneak out. It was really odd as she almost turned into a child being told off as this woman (my mother) was sitting on the hospital bed with her suitcases like a little lost orphan. A very, very sad sight.
She was phoning up my sister about 5 times a day and asking why she had not visited for days even though she had been there all day.
I think one of the hardest things was selling the house that you have such a close connection with and all your childhood memories are tied up in it. What I found made it easier (if that's the word) is take out all the REAL personal stuff and get someone else to clear the property otherwise you will finish up keeping everything.
The other hard thing to get used to is noone to run to. It does not matter what the hell you do in life your parents will always listen and give advice. Yes, you have your wife but your parents have always helped you out and in my case out of a lot of s
t they I have got myself into.
Like you I have also lost my wife after a very short time after diagnosis (7 weeks) but we talked and talked everyday so that nothing is or has been left unsaid although I still miss her terribly.
My father had Parkinsons and had given up. He was always a very strong proud old fashioned man (suit, tie, hat) who never discussed his feelings but I was shocked one day when he took me to one side to talk about what he had left me in his will. He had sorted all his affairs before the end and it was like he knew time was short and although he wanted to live to 102 he died aged 87. I think the low points for him was me having to get him out of the bath.
It was hard to see him in the hospital and he stayed in a coma for 2 weeks before he died and although he never hit me his word WAS God and yes, I was scared of him. But he looked so small, so insignificant.
My mother always moaned about dad but when he died she seemed so lost and I know she missed him. She died 5 years later with heart trouble and also lost her marbles. It was so hard that the person you are talking to has no real idea who you are. I remember telling her that she cannot leave the Hospital as she was trying to sneak out. It was really odd as she almost turned into a child being told off as this woman (my mother) was sitting on the hospital bed with her suitcases like a little lost orphan. A very, very sad sight.
She was phoning up my sister about 5 times a day and asking why she had not visited for days even though she had been there all day.
I think one of the hardest things was selling the house that you have such a close connection with and all your childhood memories are tied up in it. What I found made it easier (if that's the word) is take out all the REAL personal stuff and get someone else to clear the property otherwise you will finish up keeping everything.
The other hard thing to get used to is noone to run to. It does not matter what the hell you do in life your parents will always listen and give advice. Yes, you have your wife but your parents have always helped you out and in my case out of a lot of s
t they I have got myself into.Like you I have also lost my wife after a very short time after diagnosis (7 weeks) but we talked and talked everyday so that nothing is or has been left unsaid although I still miss her terribly.
Edited by Morningside on Tuesday 30th June 13:16
ali_kat said:
Mum went, knowing - didn't focus on it other than to ensure she tried to see/talk to who she could & her Will was right.
Dad doesn't have a clue he'll be going soon. Or who I am, or who my Brother is (his carer) or that Mum had gone...
Dad doesn't have a clue he'll be going soon. Or who I am, or who my Brother is (his carer) or that Mum had gone...
very difficult for you and your Brother. Im sorry. Must be the hardest when they cant remember.
My dad wouldnt accept it, would not give in, not even towards the end when everything had failed, and was morphined upto and beyond. He wanted to live, his mind was still alive his body failed. He was in so much pain it tears you up thinking about it even now.
As an athiest all his life, what shocked me was when he suddenly said 'would he go to hell' he was scared. I didnt know what to say as it was so out of character. Mum is open and 'fine' about it. she has said that she wont be scared as she will be with her husband again. gulp.
Edited by superlightr on Tuesday 30th June 13:19
Morningside said:
I lost both my parents before I was 40. They had me much later in life but you always think they are going to live forever. But as time moves on you can see that they ARE getting older.
My father had Parkinsons and had given up. He was always a very strong proud old fashioned man (suit, tie, hat) who never discussed his feelings but I was shocked one day when he took me to one side to talk about what he had left me in his will. He had sorted all his affairs before the end and it was like he knew time was short and although he wanted to live to 102 he died aged 87. I think the low points for him was me having to get him out of the bath.
It was hard to see him in the hospital and he stayed in a coma for 2 weeks before he died and although he never hit me his word WAS God and yes, I was scared of him. But he looked so small, so insignificant.
My mother always moaned about dad but when he died she seemed so lost and I know she missed him. She died 5 years later with heart trouble and also lost her marbles. It was so hard that the person you are talking to has no real idea who you are. I remember telling her that she cannot leave the Hospital as she was trying to sneak out. It was really odd as she almost turned into a child being told off as this woman (my mother) was sitting on the hospital bed with her suitcases like a little lost orphan. A very, very sad sight.
I think one of the hardest things was selling the house that you have such a close connection with and all your childhood memories are tied up in it. What I found made it easier (if that's the word) is take out all the REAL personal stuff and get someone else to clear the property otherwise you will finish up keeping everything.
The other hard thing to get used to is noone to run to. It does not matter what the hell you do in life your parents will always listen and give advice. Yes, you have your wife but your parents have always helped you out and in my case out of a lot of st they I have got myself into.
Like you I have also lost my wife after a very short time after diagnosis (7 weeks) but we talked and talked everyday so that nothing is or has been left unsaid although I still miss her terribly.
Your last sentence is one I know only to well. It doesn't get easier, but you learn to swerve around the worst of it until one day, some day, it hurts less and you start to live more. I'm getting married soon, but my lass will always be my lass and I think about her every day, but not in mourning in any more, but now as a guide and a light as to how to live my life better and well - which works for me as it kept me from falling into a lonely abyss. I wish you every happiness.My father had Parkinsons and had given up. He was always a very strong proud old fashioned man (suit, tie, hat) who never discussed his feelings but I was shocked one day when he took me to one side to talk about what he had left me in his will. He had sorted all his affairs before the end and it was like he knew time was short and although he wanted to live to 102 he died aged 87. I think the low points for him was me having to get him out of the bath.
It was hard to see him in the hospital and he stayed in a coma for 2 weeks before he died and although he never hit me his word WAS God and yes, I was scared of him. But he looked so small, so insignificant.
My mother always moaned about dad but when he died she seemed so lost and I know she missed him. She died 5 years later with heart trouble and also lost her marbles. It was so hard that the person you are talking to has no real idea who you are. I remember telling her that she cannot leave the Hospital as she was trying to sneak out. It was really odd as she almost turned into a child being told off as this woman (my mother) was sitting on the hospital bed with her suitcases like a little lost orphan. A very, very sad sight.
I think one of the hardest things was selling the house that you have such a close connection with and all your childhood memories are tied up in it. What I found made it easier (if that's the word) is take out all the REAL personal stuff and get someone else to clear the property otherwise you will finish up keeping everything.
The other hard thing to get used to is noone to run to. It does not matter what the hell you do in life your parents will always listen and give advice. Yes, you have your wife but your parents have always helped you out and in my case out of a lot of s
t they I have got myself into.Like you I have also lost my wife after a very short time after diagnosis (7 weeks) but we talked and talked everyday so that nothing is or has been left unsaid although I still miss her terribly.
drivin_me_nuts said:
Morningside said:
<snip
Your last sentence is one I know only to well. It doesn't get easier, but you learn to swerve around the worst of it until one day, some day, it hurts less and you start to live more. I'm getting married soon, but my lass will always be my lass and I think about her every day, but not in mourning in any more, but now as a guide and a light as to how to live my life better and well - which works for me as it kept me from falling into a lonely abyss. I wish you every happiness.I think that children find the thought of their parents dying very distressing so don't want to discuss it, whereas for the parent, knowing everything is sorted out is actually a source of comfort.
If your parent does become quite down it can be a sign of depression and/or loneliness rather than a morbid outlook, so worth encouraging them to see the GP, I suppose. It has also been my experience that my older female relatives cope better with the death of a partner than my older male relatives, not sure why.
If your parent does become quite down it can be a sign of depression and/or loneliness rather than a morbid outlook, so worth encouraging them to see the GP, I suppose. It has also been my experience that my older female relatives cope better with the death of a partner than my older male relatives, not sure why.
My mum thinks she's getting the beginnings of onset parkinsons. She's been slowly getting worse over the past few months, is generally fine, then will forget 2 or 3 days instantly. When she remembers her issues, and can think about them it's not too bad. When she cant remember and thinks its a new thing, that's upsetting. She had a really bad (hospital for a week) fall not long after my daughter was born, for a day she didnt actually know the baby was here yet, luckily that came flodoing back and filled the gaps in eventually.
I can see where this is heading, I'm not looking forward to it. She's been an epileptic pretty much her whole life, I think all the falls down the stairs, headbutting the floor/wall/chair as she goes hasn't helped matters either...
Saw my step-grandparents go, step-gran didnt recognise any of us at the end, step grandad had all the marbles left, but not alot else. That was possibly worse to me, the fact that he was crying inside as he was washed/dressed/fed as he knew he used to be able to do it, but now couldnt.
SWMBO's gran is 87 and in HEAVY dementia, she doesnt really make any sense now with her talking, and we think she has the mental age of a 6 year old. It's only a matter of time until we get 'the call' I've always known her like this, although it wasnt that bad a few years ago. I just smile sweetly, hold her hand when she 'taks' and agree with her on everything. We get the 'I havent seen you or babby for weeks, why do you never come and see me' even if we were there the day before etc. She's about to go into a home, lives with one of SWMBO's aunts now who has just about realised she can't look after her on her own.
My own grandparents are becoming alrmingly old very quickly. Granny was in hospital the other week for a few days with fluid on her lungs, she'll be 90 soon. Looking forward to that call even less, have a tear in my eye now writing this. Will be a horrible drive to peterborough that day/night.
My old man is horrifically unhealthy, and wont listen to any advice so he just trundles along waiting for his big heart attack and hopefully subsequent changed life. He lost his business a year ago and has thrown himself into Speedway as a promotor (he's always done that) so doesnt stop to think. Must get him sat down and talking one day...
I can see where this is heading, I'm not looking forward to it. She's been an epileptic pretty much her whole life, I think all the falls down the stairs, headbutting the floor/wall/chair as she goes hasn't helped matters either...
Saw my step-grandparents go, step-gran didnt recognise any of us at the end, step grandad had all the marbles left, but not alot else. That was possibly worse to me, the fact that he was crying inside as he was washed/dressed/fed as he knew he used to be able to do it, but now couldnt.
SWMBO's gran is 87 and in HEAVY dementia, she doesnt really make any sense now with her talking, and we think she has the mental age of a 6 year old. It's only a matter of time until we get 'the call' I've always known her like this, although it wasnt that bad a few years ago. I just smile sweetly, hold her hand when she 'taks' and agree with her on everything. We get the 'I havent seen you or babby for weeks, why do you never come and see me' even if we were there the day before etc. She's about to go into a home, lives with one of SWMBO's aunts now who has just about realised she can't look after her on her own.
My own grandparents are becoming alrmingly old very quickly. Granny was in hospital the other week for a few days with fluid on her lungs, she'll be 90 soon. Looking forward to that call even less, have a tear in my eye now writing this. Will be a horrible drive to peterborough that day/night.
My old man is horrifically unhealthy, and wont listen to any advice so he just trundles along waiting for his big heart attack and hopefully subsequent changed life. He lost his business a year ago and has thrown himself into Speedway as a promotor (he's always done that) so doesnt stop to think. Must get him sat down and talking one day...
I am 54, parent both 80 this year. Have joked about death for years now. It started with household appliances "This'll be the last time we need to buy one of these, should see us out". They live in a big house with a massive garden. Rather than downsize they've started "decluttering" to save me time when they're gone for which I know I will be grateful as they took clutter to a new level!
We treat death as an inevitability, sure I will miss them but have long accept it will happen. It is the premature exit which is harder to deal with.
We treat death as an inevitability, sure I will miss them but have long accept it will happen. It is the premature exit which is harder to deal with.
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