girlfriends annoying child scratched my car
Discussion
DuncanM said:
Tony427 said:
Being a step dad is not always a horror story. Its success depends a huge amount on the mother and her mindset and on the love within the family unit.
Following a particularly nasty divorce I got a family package which included a particulary obstinate, intelligent and confident three and a half year old girl. This was 23 years ago.
I was the " intruder in the camp" and she didn't like me at first. She did make this plain. She had been used to 100% attention from her mother and she had to share the attention after I arrived. We made sure however that she kept her relationship with her father going via weekend visits every fourtnight until she was old enough to make her own decision.
I wasn't her dad, I was Tony.
At six she cut the arms off my favourite shirt. She couldn't explain why, but her mother made sure that pocket money went to a new shirt.
At about 15 years old the visits to her biological father petered out, neither, it seemed, thought them valuable enough to keep going. I thought him to be a complete idiot.
People used to ask was it difficult being a stepdad and I used to say
"I pay for her so she's mine"
She got her O levels ( her mother and I got exceedingly drunk) , and her A levels ( we were not quite so drunk) , I helped her buy her frst car and tried to teach her to drive, and she went to University and got her degree and I was there at her graduation.
She chose her career and started work and got her first flat, and then her second, and met a guy who both her mother and I like and a couple of days ago someone asked her about her "dad" and she said unbenownst to me
"I dont need him, I've got a real dad, Tony".
And today we, her mother and I, helped the two "youngsters" move into their first home together and as we were moving stuff in from the van my stepdaughter and her mother were having a conversation about their respective other halves, their idiocincracies and their loves and hates and I heard her mother say good humouredly
" Bloody hell , how did you end up with someone just like Tony?".
And so, "My work", as they say "is done."
Keep at it, if there is love there, its all worthwhile. If there's not, get out, you are shortchanging both yourself and the child.
Both deserve better.
Cheers,
Tony
Lovely story Tony.Following a particularly nasty divorce I got a family package which included a particulary obstinate, intelligent and confident three and a half year old girl. This was 23 years ago.
I was the " intruder in the camp" and she didn't like me at first. She did make this plain. She had been used to 100% attention from her mother and she had to share the attention after I arrived. We made sure however that she kept her relationship with her father going via weekend visits every fourtnight until she was old enough to make her own decision.
I wasn't her dad, I was Tony.
At six she cut the arms off my favourite shirt. She couldn't explain why, but her mother made sure that pocket money went to a new shirt.
At about 15 years old the visits to her biological father petered out, neither, it seemed, thought them valuable enough to keep going. I thought him to be a complete idiot.
People used to ask was it difficult being a stepdad and I used to say
"I pay for her so she's mine"
She got her O levels ( her mother and I got exceedingly drunk) , and her A levels ( we were not quite so drunk) , I helped her buy her frst car and tried to teach her to drive, and she went to University and got her degree and I was there at her graduation.
She chose her career and started work and got her first flat, and then her second, and met a guy who both her mother and I like and a couple of days ago someone asked her about her "dad" and she said unbenownst to me
"I dont need him, I've got a real dad, Tony".
And today we, her mother and I, helped the two "youngsters" move into their first home together and as we were moving stuff in from the van my stepdaughter and her mother were having a conversation about their respective other halves, their idiocincracies and their loves and hates and I heard her mother say good humouredly
" Bloody hell , how did you end up with someone just like Tony?".
And so, "My work", as they say "is done."
Keep at it, if there is love there, its all worthwhile. If there's not, get out, you are shortchanging both yourself and the child.
Both deserve better.
Cheers,
Tony
I am a step Dad of 3 boys and it's been hugely rewarding, I wouldn't change it for the world
Our eldest (10 when I joined the family, gave me hell) has just asked me, not her father, to give her away at her wedding.
King Herald said:
KFC said:
I can't decide whether taking the tablet to sell to pay for the repair would be worth doing to teach her the value of money/consequences of her actions would be a good idea, or if in the bigger picture of trying to get her on your side its going to be a bit of an own goal.
Get a sharp rock and scratch the tablet on the screen, make sure the kid knows you did it, and react just like she did to you. Yes, childish I know, but it may wake her up to the 'possessions and value' concept.
monamimate said:
DuncanM said:
Tony427 said:
Being a step dad is not always a horror story. Its success depends a huge amount on the mother and her mindset and on the love within the family unit.
Following a particularly nasty divorce I got a family package which included a particulary obstinate, intelligent and confident three and a half year old girl. This was 23 years ago.
I was the " intruder in the camp" and she didn't like me at first. She did make this plain. She had been used to 100% attention from her mother and she had to share the attention after I arrived. We made sure however that she kept her relationship with her father going via weekend visits every fourtnight until she was old enough to make her own decision.
I wasn't her dad, I was Tony.
At six she cut the arms off my favourite shirt. She couldn't explain why, but her mother made sure that pocket money went to a new shirt.
At about 15 years old the visits to her biological father petered out, neither, it seemed, thought them valuable enough to keep going. I thought him to be a complete idiot.
People used to ask was it difficult being a stepdad and I used to say
"I pay for her so she's mine"
She got her O levels ( her mother and I got exceedingly drunk) , and her A levels ( we were not quite so drunk) , I helped her buy her frst car and tried to teach her to drive, and she went to University and got her degree and I was there at her graduation.
She chose her career and started work and got her first flat, and then her second, and met a guy who both her mother and I like and a couple of days ago someone asked her about her "dad" and she said unbenownst to me
"I dont need him, I've got a real dad, Tony".
And today we, her mother and I, helped the two "youngsters" move into their first home together and as we were moving stuff in from the van my stepdaughter and her mother were having a conversation about their respective other halves, their idiocincracies and their loves and hates and I heard her mother say good humouredly
" Bloody hell , how did you end up with someone just like Tony?".
And so, "My work", as they say "is done."
Keep at it, if there is love there, its all worthwhile. If there's not, get out, you are shortchanging both yourself and the child.
Both deserve better.
Cheers,
Tony
Lovely story Tony.Following a particularly nasty divorce I got a family package which included a particulary obstinate, intelligent and confident three and a half year old girl. This was 23 years ago.
I was the " intruder in the camp" and she didn't like me at first. She did make this plain. She had been used to 100% attention from her mother and she had to share the attention after I arrived. We made sure however that she kept her relationship with her father going via weekend visits every fourtnight until she was old enough to make her own decision.
I wasn't her dad, I was Tony.
At six she cut the arms off my favourite shirt. She couldn't explain why, but her mother made sure that pocket money went to a new shirt.
At about 15 years old the visits to her biological father petered out, neither, it seemed, thought them valuable enough to keep going. I thought him to be a complete idiot.
People used to ask was it difficult being a stepdad and I used to say
"I pay for her so she's mine"
She got her O levels ( her mother and I got exceedingly drunk) , and her A levels ( we were not quite so drunk) , I helped her buy her frst car and tried to teach her to drive, and she went to University and got her degree and I was there at her graduation.
She chose her career and started work and got her first flat, and then her second, and met a guy who both her mother and I like and a couple of days ago someone asked her about her "dad" and she said unbenownst to me
"I dont need him, I've got a real dad, Tony".
And today we, her mother and I, helped the two "youngsters" move into their first home together and as we were moving stuff in from the van my stepdaughter and her mother were having a conversation about their respective other halves, their idiocincracies and their loves and hates and I heard her mother say good humouredly
" Bloody hell , how did you end up with someone just like Tony?".
And so, "My work", as they say "is done."
Keep at it, if there is love there, its all worthwhile. If there's not, get out, you are shortchanging both yourself and the child.
Both deserve better.
Cheers,
Tony
I am a step Dad of 3 boys and it's been hugely rewarding, I wouldn't change it for the world
Our eldest (10 when I joined the family, gave me hell) has just asked me, not her father, to give her away at her wedding.
Been pretty good to be honest, no issues, no major arguments, no confrontations, we all get on well
I'm pretty laid back and treat them well, but they know I have a temper and will quite happily stand up to them if needed. I have a three strikes rule, third strike and my vein on my head pops out! I try and avoid confrontation and try and sort issues before it gets that way
They don't call me dad, I don't pretend im their father, but pay for most things, go to parents evenings and support them whenever they need it, one is doing very well academically at school plus we all moved 60 miles away from where they lived all their life, all their friends and family, everything they know! On paper it should be a complete disaster!
Their real dad is a limpwristed prick, not nasty, just a complete idiot, thankfully they see him for that, although still love him
Just had a baby and brought us all close together, their mum and I involve them in every decision and make sure they never feel left out.
BUT, every situation is different and OP , I would think very hard about where you are now. Its not that the child sounds a s
t, its that the mum should have backed you up as the car matters to YOU and you should work through the issue together as a team and a couple . The fact you refer to the child as "girlfriends annoying child" shows you probs aren't ready for the situation and you and the child wont be a good match. monamimate said:
DuncanM said:
Tony427 said:
Being a step dad is not always a horror story. Its success depends a huge amount on the mother and her mindset and on the love within the family unit.
Following a particularly nasty divorce I got a family package which included a particulary obstinate, intelligent and confident three and a half year old girl. This was 23 years ago.
I was the " intruder in the camp" and she didn't like me at first. She did make this plain. She had been used to 100% attention from her mother and she had to share the attention after I arrived. We made sure however that she kept her relationship with her father going via weekend visits every fourtnight until she was old enough to make her own decision.
I wasn't her dad, I was Tony.
At six she cut the arms off my favourite shirt. She couldn't explain why, but her mother made sure that pocket money went to a new shirt.
At about 15 years old the visits to her biological father petered out, neither, it seemed, thought them valuable enough to keep going. I thought him to be a complete idiot.
People used to ask was it difficult being a stepdad and I used to say
"I pay for her so she's mine"
She got her O levels ( her mother and I got exceedingly drunk) , and her A levels ( we were not quite so drunk) , I helped her buy her frst car and tried to teach her to drive, and she went to University and got her degree and I was there at her graduation.
She chose her career and started work and got her first flat, and then her second, and met a guy who both her mother and I like and a couple of days ago someone asked her about her "dad" and she said unbenownst to me
"I dont need him, I've got a real dad, Tony".
And today we, her mother and I, helped the two "youngsters" move into their first home together and as we were moving stuff in from the van my stepdaughter and her mother were having a conversation about their respective other halves, their idiocincracies and their loves and hates and I heard her mother say good humouredly
" Bloody hell , how did you end up with someone just like Tony?".
And so, "My work", as they say "is done."
Keep at it, if there is love there, its all worthwhile. If there's not, get out, you are shortchanging both yourself and the child.
Both deserve better.
Cheers,
Tony
Lovely story Tony.Following a particularly nasty divorce I got a family package which included a particulary obstinate, intelligent and confident three and a half year old girl. This was 23 years ago.
I was the " intruder in the camp" and she didn't like me at first. She did make this plain. She had been used to 100% attention from her mother and she had to share the attention after I arrived. We made sure however that she kept her relationship with her father going via weekend visits every fourtnight until she was old enough to make her own decision.
I wasn't her dad, I was Tony.
At six she cut the arms off my favourite shirt. She couldn't explain why, but her mother made sure that pocket money went to a new shirt.
At about 15 years old the visits to her biological father petered out, neither, it seemed, thought them valuable enough to keep going. I thought him to be a complete idiot.
People used to ask was it difficult being a stepdad and I used to say
"I pay for her so she's mine"
She got her O levels ( her mother and I got exceedingly drunk) , and her A levels ( we were not quite so drunk) , I helped her buy her frst car and tried to teach her to drive, and she went to University and got her degree and I was there at her graduation.
She chose her career and started work and got her first flat, and then her second, and met a guy who both her mother and I like and a couple of days ago someone asked her about her "dad" and she said unbenownst to me
"I dont need him, I've got a real dad, Tony".
And today we, her mother and I, helped the two "youngsters" move into their first home together and as we were moving stuff in from the van my stepdaughter and her mother were having a conversation about their respective other halves, their idiocincracies and their loves and hates and I heard her mother say good humouredly
" Bloody hell , how did you end up with someone just like Tony?".
And so, "My work", as they say "is done."
Keep at it, if there is love there, its all worthwhile. If there's not, get out, you are shortchanging both yourself and the child.
Both deserve better.
Cheers,
Tony
I am a step Dad of 3 boys and it's been hugely rewarding, I wouldn't change it for the world
Our eldest (10 when I joined the family, gave me hell) has just asked me, not her father, to give her away at her wedding.
But I come back to the same point, the issue here is NOT the child, it's the mother. As 'mum's boyfriend' the bloke has very little authority, and none at all without the mother's total support. Add a mother with no authority and I'm afraid it is a disaster.
The stories above are great, and prove taking on someone else's child can be done, and it can be successful for all concerned. But the mother is the key to it - without her support it simply cannot happen.
In the case of the OP (which is, after all what this thread is about), that support for him (or parental authority over the child) clearly isn't there.
monamimate said:
DuncanM said:
Tony427 said:
Being a step dad is not always a horror story. Its success depends a huge amount on the mother and her mindset and on the love within the family unit.
Following a particularly nasty divorce I got a family package which included a particulary obstinate, intelligent and confident three and a half year old girl. This was 23 years ago.
I was the " intruder in the camp" and she didn't like me at first. She did make this plain. She had been used to 100% attention from her mother and she had to share the attention after I arrived. We made sure however that she kept her relationship with her father going via weekend visits every fourtnight until she was old enough to make her own decision.
I wasn't her dad, I was Tony.
At six she cut the arms off my favourite shirt. She couldn't explain why, but her mother made sure that pocket money went to a new shirt.
At about 15 years old the visits to her biological father petered out, neither, it seemed, thought them valuable enough to keep going. I thought him to be a complete idiot.
People used to ask was it difficult being a stepdad and I used to say
"I pay for her so she's mine"
She got her O levels ( her mother and I got exceedingly drunk) , and her A levels ( we were not quite so drunk) , I helped her buy her frst car and tried to teach her to drive, and she went to University and got her degree and I was there at her graduation.
She chose her career and started work and got her first flat, and then her second, and met a guy who both her mother and I like and a couple of days ago someone asked her about her "dad" and she said unbenownst to me
"I dont need him, I've got a real dad, Tony".
And today we, her mother and I, helped the two "youngsters" move into their first home together and as we were moving stuff in from the van my stepdaughter and her mother were having a conversation about their respective other halves, their idiocincracies and their loves and hates and I heard her mother say good humouredly
" Bloody hell , how did you end up with someone just like Tony?".
And so, "My work", as they say "is done."
Keep at it, if there is love there, its all worthwhile. If there's not, get out, you are shortchanging both yourself and the child.
Both deserve better.
Cheers,
Tony
Lovely story Tony.Following a particularly nasty divorce I got a family package which included a particulary obstinate, intelligent and confident three and a half year old girl. This was 23 years ago.
I was the " intruder in the camp" and she didn't like me at first. She did make this plain. She had been used to 100% attention from her mother and she had to share the attention after I arrived. We made sure however that she kept her relationship with her father going via weekend visits every fourtnight until she was old enough to make her own decision.
I wasn't her dad, I was Tony.
At six she cut the arms off my favourite shirt. She couldn't explain why, but her mother made sure that pocket money went to a new shirt.
At about 15 years old the visits to her biological father petered out, neither, it seemed, thought them valuable enough to keep going. I thought him to be a complete idiot.
People used to ask was it difficult being a stepdad and I used to say
"I pay for her so she's mine"
She got her O levels ( her mother and I got exceedingly drunk) , and her A levels ( we were not quite so drunk) , I helped her buy her frst car and tried to teach her to drive, and she went to University and got her degree and I was there at her graduation.
She chose her career and started work and got her first flat, and then her second, and met a guy who both her mother and I like and a couple of days ago someone asked her about her "dad" and she said unbenownst to me
"I dont need him, I've got a real dad, Tony".
And today we, her mother and I, helped the two "youngsters" move into their first home together and as we were moving stuff in from the van my stepdaughter and her mother were having a conversation about their respective other halves, their idiocincracies and their loves and hates and I heard her mother say good humouredly
" Bloody hell , how did you end up with someone just like Tony?".
And so, "My work", as they say "is done."
Keep at it, if there is love there, its all worthwhile. If there's not, get out, you are shortchanging both yourself and the child.
Both deserve better.
Cheers,
Tony
I am a step Dad of 3 boys and it's been hugely rewarding, I wouldn't change it for the world
Our eldest (10 when I joined the family, gave me hell) has just asked me, not her father, to give her away at her wedding.
ClaphamGT3 nailed it tbh, anyone starting a thread about disliking an annoying 10 year old shouldn't be supported imo.
The child will damn well know that the OP doesn't like her.
I have 3 step sons, aged 17/18/20, they were 6/7/10 when I arrived in their life and there have certainly been ups and downs, but mainly ups for sure.
They are great and I love them. It was always going to be all or nothing.
To add, they have two great homes, 50/50 custody (no money involved) and have always been free to stay at either house, which I think helped greatly.
Being a good adult in children's lives is hugely rewarding. Whether biological or not.
wjwren said:
When it all happened she said 'it;s only a car' I said do you know how much a car costs? She said it's only about £1000 and anyway you have loads of money. Both statements are not true. Unfortunately.
Ive tried talking to her on a one 2 one and it seems to sink in. But there are lots of other issues. She talks to her mother like a tool. 7.30am barges into the bedroom shouting MOM WHERE IS MY BREAKFAST GET UP NOW. She also calls her mother useless and stupid. I think some of these words come from her father. If I brought her round to your house she would be good as gold and polite and ud think what a lovely little girl but to me, her mother and her nan she is pretty vile.
My parents would have killed me if I'd barged into their room at that age. She needs boundaries. If you let this carry on then it will get worse. Next time she does it tell her firmly to get out. Physically remove her if necessary, tell her to go back to her room and wait, and shut the door. In future, she knocks on your door and waits.Ive tried talking to her on a one 2 one and it seems to sink in. But there are lots of other issues. She talks to her mother like a tool. 7.30am barges into the bedroom shouting MOM WHERE IS MY BREAKFAST GET UP NOW. She also calls her mother useless and stupid. I think some of these words come from her father. If I brought her round to your house she would be good as gold and polite and ud think what a lovely little girl but to me, her mother and her nan she is pretty vile.
Edited by wjwren on Tuesday 7th July 09:58
To reinforce it, knock on her door whenever you need to speak to her. Don't just barge in or talk through the door, or she will think you're a hypocrite and lose respect for the rules.
good advice Luke.
It seem's to have calmed down a little bit. So seeing how things go. She seem's to be more hostile when she see's her dad, as he discusses things that are not meant for her ears. He wants to get back with my partner. (his ex wife) and has developed an obsession of driving past the house and various other things but thats another story. So when she goes over to dads he says he wants to be with mommy and when daughter is back at house she blames mom for not making daddy happy.
Her attitude is still there, had a nice weekend, went to the park yesterday she asked her mom for an ice cream and we bought her one, on the way home she said can I have an ice cream before dinner and her mother said no. Meltdown alert. 'I hate you mom you are so selfish no wonder nobody likes you' etc etc. Same thing this morning. She got ready for school, asked her mom to brush her hair, she said ok give me a minute and another meltdown as mom is too selfish to not do it now. She also pinched her sister marking her arm. This is pretty standard on a daily basis. In over 3 years I have never been over where the eldest as been polite for 24 hours.
BUT...
I do love my girlfriend so I will have to work at it.
On the car scratch my girlfriend offered to pay which i flatly refused as that isnt the point.
It seem's to have calmed down a little bit. So seeing how things go. She seem's to be more hostile when she see's her dad, as he discusses things that are not meant for her ears. He wants to get back with my partner. (his ex wife) and has developed an obsession of driving past the house and various other things but thats another story. So when she goes over to dads he says he wants to be with mommy and when daughter is back at house she blames mom for not making daddy happy.
Her attitude is still there, had a nice weekend, went to the park yesterday she asked her mom for an ice cream and we bought her one, on the way home she said can I have an ice cream before dinner and her mother said no. Meltdown alert. 'I hate you mom you are so selfish no wonder nobody likes you' etc etc. Same thing this morning. She got ready for school, asked her mom to brush her hair, she said ok give me a minute and another meltdown as mom is too selfish to not do it now. She also pinched her sister marking her arm. This is pretty standard on a daily basis. In over 3 years I have never been over where the eldest as been polite for 24 hours.
BUT...
I do love my girlfriend so I will have to work at it.
On the car scratch my girlfriend offered to pay which i flatly refused as that isnt the point.
OP I've not read this whole thread but I will say a few things that spring to mind, other will doubtless disagree.
1. If the GF won't enforce boundaries, things are not going to improve
2. You can't chastise/control her child (unless you are in a very serious relationship with her now) as it is her child not yours.
I would therefore hope that the GF would take some form of action against her daughter and support you publicly (whether she does so in private is another matter) so the child learns that her actions have consequences.
If the GF does not/will not enforce rules etc then the child is only going to continue or get worse IMHO
1. If the GF won't enforce boundaries, things are not going to improve
2. You can't chastise/control her child (unless you are in a very serious relationship with her now) as it is her child not yours.
I would therefore hope that the GF would take some form of action against her daughter and support you publicly (whether she does so in private is another matter) so the child learns that her actions have consequences.
If the GF does not/will not enforce rules etc then the child is only going to continue or get worse IMHO
TheBALDpuma said:
King Herald said:
KFC said:
I can't decide whether taking the tablet to sell to pay for the repair would be worth doing to teach her the value of money/consequences of her actions would be a good idea, or if in the bigger picture of trying to get her on your side its going to be a bit of an own goal.
Get a sharp rock and scratch the tablet on the screen, make sure the kid knows you did it, and react just like she did to you. Yes, childish I know, but it may wake her up to the 'possessions and value' concept.
That is something you would actually do?
Really?
wjwren said:
she asked her mom for an ice cream and we bought her one, on the way home she said can I have an ice cream before dinner and her mother said no. Meltdown alert. 'I hate you mom you are so selfish no wonder nobody likes you' etc etc. Same thing this morning. She got ready for school, asked her mom to brush her hair, she said ok give me a minute and another meltdown as mom is too selfish to not do it now. She also pinched her sister marking her arm. This is pretty standard on a daily basis.
And what punishment does she receive for these (frankly unacceptable) outbursts?As another poster said, I can't begin to imagine speaking to my parents this way at that (or any other) age. How can it possibly have got to a situation where this is happening on a daily basis!?
she gets told off, but my girlfriend is at a loss as what to do.
She tell's her off and the girl looks sorry for a second and says 'ok sorry i wont do it again'
Most days she says to her mom cant we be friends I want us to get on. Then as soon as she is told she cant have something like sweets before a meal or no tv as it's bedtime then we have a meltdown and 'I hate you mom you are selfish etcetc etc'
She tell's her off and the girl looks sorry for a second and says 'ok sorry i wont do it again'
Most days she says to her mom cant we be friends I want us to get on. Then as soon as she is told she cant have something like sweets before a meal or no tv as it's bedtime then we have a meltdown and 'I hate you mom you are selfish etcetc etc'
It's good to hear stories like Tony's.
Unfortunately I think the outcomes described are in the minority. My life experience so far tells me:
You will always come second if push comes to shove. This isn't an issue all the time things are going well. This will be a problem if you are the kind of person that thinks the two of you should put each other at the top of your priority list.
Any signs that you are being discriminated against should be taken very seriously and nipped in the bud if possible.
The age of the kids when you come on the scene has little bearing on how things will work out. Only the nature and timing of the hassle will vary.
Accept that in the event of a serious dispute between you and the children, you will be the bad guy. If you 'win', even more so.
Even if things are patched up, you need to accept that you will be living with a timebomb for the rest of your life or theirs. That will wear some people down.
You can reach an accommodation of sorts if you put in place an agreement about how things are going to be, whilst making it clear a breach will end the relationship. Failing to do that will put you at a constant disadvantage and facilitate your transition to bad guy/pussy. Obviously this is more of an issue if they are dependent children.
You don't have to say choose between them and me but you can say there is no them and us - there can be a you and me and a you and them. If the alternative is walking on eggshells daily and being a pussy then suck it up without complaint or walk.
Life is complicated and you can't choose who you fall in love with. However, signs will be there before you fall in love and it clouds your judgement. Trust me when I say things can be right for a decade or more and then go sour. At stage, even with only adults involved, you will get the equivalents of "you're not my dad" (even though dad is an ahole who abandoned the family and you have never tried to replace him) ,your car scratched with a stone and everything else.
If I had my time again, I would never get involved with someone with kids. Just way too much hassle. However, once you care deeply about someone, it can be very hard to walk away.
Oh and just like adults, children can be odious sts who will grow up to become bigger odious sts. You don't get and don't deserve a behavoural get out of jail free card coz mummy/daddy left/ADHT/dyslexia/clumsy child syndrome.
Unfortunately I think the outcomes described are in the minority. My life experience so far tells me:
You will always come second if push comes to shove. This isn't an issue all the time things are going well. This will be a problem if you are the kind of person that thinks the two of you should put each other at the top of your priority list.
Any signs that you are being discriminated against should be taken very seriously and nipped in the bud if possible.
The age of the kids when you come on the scene has little bearing on how things will work out. Only the nature and timing of the hassle will vary.
Accept that in the event of a serious dispute between you and the children, you will be the bad guy. If you 'win', even more so.
Even if things are patched up, you need to accept that you will be living with a timebomb for the rest of your life or theirs. That will wear some people down.
You can reach an accommodation of sorts if you put in place an agreement about how things are going to be, whilst making it clear a breach will end the relationship. Failing to do that will put you at a constant disadvantage and facilitate your transition to bad guy/pussy. Obviously this is more of an issue if they are dependent children.
You don't have to say choose between them and me but you can say there is no them and us - there can be a you and me and a you and them. If the alternative is walking on eggshells daily and being a pussy then suck it up without complaint or walk.
Life is complicated and you can't choose who you fall in love with. However, signs will be there before you fall in love and it clouds your judgement. Trust me when I say things can be right for a decade or more and then go sour. At stage, even with only adults involved, you will get the equivalents of "you're not my dad" (even though dad is an a
hole who abandoned the family and you have never tried to replace him) ,your car scratched with a stone and everything else.If I had my time again, I would never get involved with someone with kids. Just way too much hassle. However, once you care deeply about someone, it can be very hard to walk away.
Oh and just like adults, children can be odious s
ts who will grow up to become bigger odious sts. You don't get and don't deserve a behavoural get out of jail free card coz mummy/daddy left/ADHT/dyslexia/clumsy child syndrome.anonymous said:
[redacted]
Fantastic story! That must have been a great feeling.To the OP;
If your OH isn't willing to follow through with punishments etc, you're onto a massive loser. Quite frankly I think you both need to have a good talk about how to go forwards as one. If you don't go as one, or she seems unwilling to, I don't think theres a hope in hell of this relationship working. Don't forget, no matter how much she says she loves you, and no matter how she may feel towards her daughter for whatever she's done, you will ALWAYS be second best.
Id be very, very tempted to walk away, no matter how you feel about your OH if she can't agree to the above.
wjwren said:
It seem's to have calmed down a little bit. So seeing how things go. She seem's to be more hostile when she see's her dad, as he discusses things that are not meant for her ears. He wants to get back with my partner. (his ex wife) and has developed an obsession of driving past the house and various other things but thats another story. So when she goes over to dads he says he wants to be with mommy and when daughter is back at house she blames mom for not making daddy happy.
Her attitude is still there, had a nice weekend, went to the park yesterday she asked her mom for an ice cream and we bought her one, on the way home she said can I have an ice cream before dinner and her mother said no. Meltdown alert. 'I hate you mom you are so selfish no wonder nobody likes you' etc etc. Same thing this morning. She got ready for school, asked her mom to brush her hair, she said ok give me a minute and another meltdown as mom is too selfish to not do it now. She also pinched her sister marking her arm. This is pretty standard on a daily basis. In over 3 years I have never been over where the eldest as been polite for 24 hours.
This sounds very familiar. it's what I experienced. Her attitude is still there, had a nice weekend, went to the park yesterday she asked her mom for an ice cream and we bought her one, on the way home she said can I have an ice cream before dinner and her mother said no. Meltdown alert. 'I hate you mom you are so selfish no wonder nobody likes you' etc etc. Same thing this morning. She got ready for school, asked her mom to brush her hair, she said ok give me a minute and another meltdown as mom is too selfish to not do it now. She also pinched her sister marking her arm. This is pretty standard on a daily basis. In over 3 years I have never been over where the eldest as been polite for 24 hours.
Kids will always want mum & dad together. Their worlds revolve around it. Somebody comes along & breaks that, they are evil.
In your case the mum is falling over herself to please the daughter because 1) she feels guilty 2) The daughter like all kids is being manipulative.
The father is manipulating the daughter & telling her it would all be Ok if only you weren't they.
it's a s
t situation all round. As I said been there, done it, got the t shirt. We survived it, came out the other side, but it was very very difficult at times.Jasandjules said:
OP I've not read this whole thread but I will say a few things that spring to mind, other will doubtless disagree.
1. If the GF won't enforce boundaries, things are not going to improve
2. You can't chastise/control her child (unless you are in a very serious relationship with her now) as it is her child not yours.
I would therefore hope that the GF would take some form of action against her daughter and support you publicly (whether she does so in private is another matter) so the child learns that her actions have consequences.
If the GF does not/will not enforce rules etc then the child is only going to continue or get worse IMHO
yep. Given 1 and 2, there is also 1. If the GF won't enforce boundaries, things are not going to improve
2. You can't chastise/control her child (unless you are in a very serious relationship with her now) as it is her child not yours.
I would therefore hope that the GF would take some form of action against her daughter and support you publicly (whether she does so in private is another matter) so the child learns that her actions have consequences.
If the GF does not/will not enforce rules etc then the child is only going to continue or get worse IMHO
3. you'll go f
king mental if you stick around, as you'll be wanting to do enforce boundaries and discipline the child, because you know they are the right things a child needs. So, you'll end up driving a wedge between you and the girlfriend. It is inevitable, unresolvable. You can find someone else, whereas she will do the same thing again and again with other partners unless they are the sort of person who lets their little s
t do whatever they like too. The period she had as a single Mum has taught her that she values being "loved" by her child over discipline. She has become a bad Mother, and now it's too late. wjwren said:
she gets told off, but my girlfriend is at a loss as what to do.
She tell's her off and the girl looks sorry for a second and says 'ok sorry i wont do it again'
Most days she says to her mom cant we be friends I want us to get on. Then as soon as she is told she cant have something like sweets before a meal or no tv as it's bedtime then we have a meltdown and 'I hate you mom you are selfish etcetc etc'
She 'gets told off'.She tell's her off and the girl looks sorry for a second and says 'ok sorry i wont do it again'
Most days she says to her mom cant we be friends I want us to get on. Then as soon as she is told she cant have something like sweets before a meal or no tv as it's bedtime then we have a meltdown and 'I hate you mom you are selfish etcetc etc'
So no actual punishment then? Not grounded, no revocation of privileges, no removal of iPad or TV in bedroom, anything like that?
So basically there is no discipline at all.
Good luck.
No disrespect OP but it`s evident that you do not wear the pants in this set up. If you did the GF would sort her $hit out with the sprog. I have (had) a mate in a similar situation. We were best pals. He met Miss X with Child Y. She called the shots while child Y ran riot and could do no wrong. He wasn`t allowed out to play and through fear of not getting his `Nat King Cole` or dumped he danced to whatever tune they played. F**k that for a game of soldiers.
I have hardly spoke to him in years since and it`s a shame.
At roughly the same time I met a woman with two teenage sons. She was basically told how things were going to be or I was offski. I get on great with the boys and her and it works. Don`t be a doormat son.
I have hardly spoke to him in years since and it`s a shame.
At roughly the same time I met a woman with two teenage sons. She was basically told how things were going to be or I was offski. I get on great with the boys and her and it works. Don`t be a doormat son.
bigkeeko said:
No disrespect OP but it`s evident that you do not wear the pants in this set up. If you did the GF would sort her $hit out with the sprog. I have (had) a mate in a similar situation. We were best pals. He met Miss X with Child Y. She called the shots while child Y ran riot and could do no wrong. He wasn`t allowed out to play and through fear of not getting his `Nat King Cole` or dumped he danced to whatever tune they played. F**k that for a game of soldiers.
I have hardly spoke to him in years since and it`s a shame.
At roughly the same time I met a woman with two teenage sons. She was basically told how things were going to be or I was offski. I get on great with the boys and her and it works. Don`t be a doormat son.
No disrespect, but a good mother does not need a man "wearing the pants" to bring up children successfully. She's either a good mother or not. She doesn't become a better mother because some guy lays down the law that he's the boss at home.I have hardly spoke to him in years since and it`s a shame.
At roughly the same time I met a woman with two teenage sons. She was basically told how things were going to be or I was offski. I get on great with the boys and her and it works. Don`t be a doormat son.
This thread isn't really about step-parenting, dating single mums, or whatever.
It's about child-rearing being a joint enterprise, whether or not you're the sperm (or egg) donor. If you can't work together with the other parent to establish appropriate boundaries and behavioural expectations then you're all on to a loser, child included.
I accept that the issue is more glaring when someone is new on the scene, hence it's more likely to be seen in new relationships including children, but the basic reality is that if the parents (biological or otherwise) can't show a united front then serious problems are afoot.
I speak from experience as step-dad to 3 children and dad to 2 more, and can confirm that bringing up children can be very rewarding but fking hard work at times.
It's about child-rearing being a joint enterprise, whether or not you're the sperm (or egg) donor. If you can't work together with the other parent to establish appropriate boundaries and behavioural expectations then you're all on to a loser, child included.
I accept that the issue is more glaring when someone is new on the scene, hence it's more likely to be seen in new relationships including children, but the basic reality is that if the parents (biological or otherwise) can't show a united front then serious problems are afoot.
I speak from experience as step-dad to 3 children and dad to 2 more, and can confirm that bringing up children can be very rewarding but f
king hard work at times.Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff