girlfriends annoying child scratched my car
Discussion
Petrol Only said:
The real problem was shacking up with damaged goods in the first place.
Mothers attitude is a tell tail sign to get out for me. At 10 I would have been scared s
tless to such a thing.
This is a problem - especially if the mother won't discipline the child because she feels guilty for leaving the father, or want's to be 'friends' with her daughter.Mothers attitude is a tell tail sign to get out for me. At 10 I would have been scared s
tless to such a thing. My wife and I have come up against this issue over the years with my wife laughing off poor behaviour/unacceptable attitude - even to the point of appearing to advocate it. It has (and still does to a degree) caused problems in our relationship.
Whilst i'm sure many people have perfectly fine relationships with step children - it's not something I would ever recommend, because if you do have issues - and don't have the support of your partner (which is something you won't necessarily know at the start of the relationship) - there is f#ck all you can do. You will be seen as the bad guy in almost any situation - and especially if you choose to speak out.
Bebee said:
jdw100 said:
Bebee said:
They don't understand what the car means to you.
Tell your GF you can't see her as much as you only have the bus for transport to see her from now on.
Follow this up, it will get your point across very quickly without a shouting match.
You're not prepared to take your car there anymore.
He could do this.....or then again he could just behave like an adult and accept it has happened and sort it out in an adult way.Tell your GF you can't see her as much as you only have the bus for transport to see her from now on.
Follow this up, it will get your point across very quickly without a shouting match.
You're not prepared to take your car there anymore.
Kids do stuff because they..... they aren't adults yet.
He should sort it out in a calm way with the GF, not by some sort of passive/aggressive demonstration.
Can you tell me (since you're seemingly an expert on this subject) where in my post is it a passive/aggressive demonstration?
Did you read the OP post? he's mad at the GF for going back on her word.
'behave like an adult and accept it has happened and sort it out in an adult way'
Can you expand on how he should do this?
The likely hood of his car getting marked again is high IMO, especially if he buys the kid the wrong colour gift.
I think the missus would simply turn around and tell you to "Grow Up" and a shouting match is exactly what will happen.
Tuvra said:
Bebee said:
jdw100 said:
Bebee said:
They don't understand what the car means to you.
Tell your GF you can't see her as much as you only have the bus for transport to see her from now on.
Follow this up, it will get your point across very quickly without a shouting match.
You're not prepared to take your car there anymore.
He could do this.....or then again he could just behave like an adult and accept it has happened and sort it out in an adult way.Tell your GF you can't see her as much as you only have the bus for transport to see her from now on.
Follow this up, it will get your point across very quickly without a shouting match.
You're not prepared to take your car there anymore.
Kids do stuff because they..... they aren't adults yet.
He should sort it out in a calm way with the GF, not by some sort of passive/aggressive demonstration.
Can you tell me (since you're seemingly an expert on this subject) where in my post is it a passive/aggressive demonstration?
Did you read the OP post? he's mad at the GF for going back on her word.
'behave like an adult and accept it has happened and sort it out in an adult way'
Can you expand on how he should do this?
The likely hood of his car getting marked again is high IMO, especially if he buys the kid the wrong colour gift.
I think the missus would simply turn around and tell you to "Grow Up" and a shouting match is exactly what will happen.
t but my paint is taking no more hits.Bebee said:
Tuvra said:
Bebee said:
jdw100 said:
Bebee said:
They don't understand what the car means to you.
Tell your GF you can't see her as much as you only have the bus for transport to see her from now on.
Follow this up, it will get your point across very quickly without a shouting match.
You're not prepared to take your car there anymore.
He could do this.....or then again he could just behave like an adult and accept it has happened and sort it out in an adult way.Tell your GF you can't see her as much as you only have the bus for transport to see her from now on.
Follow this up, it will get your point across very quickly without a shouting match.
You're not prepared to take your car there anymore.
Kids do stuff because they..... they aren't adults yet.
He should sort it out in a calm way with the GF, not by some sort of passive/aggressive demonstration.
Can you tell me (since you're seemingly an expert on this subject) where in my post is it a passive/aggressive demonstration?
Did you read the OP post? he's mad at the GF for going back on her word.
'behave like an adult and accept it has happened and sort it out in an adult way'
Can you expand on how he should do this?
The likely hood of his car getting marked again is high IMO, especially if he buys the kid the wrong colour gift.
I think the missus would simply turn around and tell you to "Grow Up" and a shouting match is exactly what will happen.
t but my paint is taking no more hits.
Unless I missed it, I can't believe that no-one is trying to see it from the young girl's point of view.
I don't know the background, but in many (most?) cases, the child will continue to hope for a reconciliation between its parents (even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary). Any new relationship started by one of the parents is a threat to that potential reconciliation.
Solution? Difficult to find a single remedy, but respect for the child's feelings is paramount.
That doesn't mean letting it get away with everything, but it does require strong guidance and compassion from the parent. The mother in this case seems unsure how to handle the situation, but maybe she also needs help and compassion. Putting more pressure on her is hardly helpful.
I wouldn't like my car scratched, but at the end of the day, it's just a scratch. Is the relationship worth fighting for, then look beyond a scratch. If not, move on.
For info: I married a divorced woman with 2 girls who also hated me at the start. I took a back seat, let them be sure that they would always be number one for their mum, I never said a bad word about their dad, and basically sat it out. We are now 15 years later, and the girls have more than accepted me, in fact, they make it clear that me marrying their mum was one of the best things that happened to them. But it wasn't easy...
I don't know the background, but in many (most?) cases, the child will continue to hope for a reconciliation between its parents (even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary). Any new relationship started by one of the parents is a threat to that potential reconciliation.
Solution? Difficult to find a single remedy, but respect for the child's feelings is paramount.
That doesn't mean letting it get away with everything, but it does require strong guidance and compassion from the parent. The mother in this case seems unsure how to handle the situation, but maybe she also needs help and compassion. Putting more pressure on her is hardly helpful.
I wouldn't like my car scratched, but at the end of the day, it's just a scratch. Is the relationship worth fighting for, then look beyond a scratch. If not, move on.
For info: I married a divorced woman with 2 girls who also hated me at the start. I took a back seat, let them be sure that they would always be number one for their mum, I never said a bad word about their dad, and basically sat it out. We are now 15 years later, and the girls have more than accepted me, in fact, they make it clear that me marrying their mum was one of the best things that happened to them. But it wasn't easy...
When it all happened she said 'it;s only a car' I said do you know how much a car costs? She said it's only about £1000 and anyway you have loads of money. Both statements are not true. Unfortunately.
Ive tried talking to her on a one 2 one and it seems to sink in. But there are lots of other issues. She talks to her mother like a tool. 7.30am barges into the bedroom shouting MOM WHERE IS MY BREAKFAST GET UP NOW. She also calls her mother useless and stupid. I think some of these words come from her father. If I brought her round to your house she would be good as gold and polite and ud think what a lovely little girl but to me, her mother and her nan she is pretty vile.
Ive tried talking to her on a one 2 one and it seems to sink in. But there are lots of other issues. She talks to her mother like a tool. 7.30am barges into the bedroom shouting MOM WHERE IS MY BREAKFAST GET UP NOW. She also calls her mother useless and stupid. I think some of these words come from her father. If I brought her round to your house she would be good as gold and polite and ud think what a lovely little girl but to me, her mother and her nan she is pretty vile.
Edited by wjwren on Tuesday 7th July 09:58
wjwren said:
When it all happened she said 'it;s only a car' I said do you know how much a car costs? She said it's only about £1000 and anyway you have loads of money. Both statements are not true. Unfortunately.
But the car isn't now worthless, and the kid is unlikely to have enough money to pay for the damage. Kids do stupid things unfortunately, and this child may resent you (normal behaviour in kids from broken relationships). It doesn't sound like you are doing much to bridge the gap, and your gf is inevitably going to try to protect the child from your anger and resentment - that's a mother's job. Make an effort to buld bridges with the child (throwing expensive gifts her way won't be enough)or accept that you're not really cut out for dealing with kids and find another relationship.KFC said:
I can't decide whether taking the tablet to sell to pay for the repair would be worth doing to teach her the value of money/consequences of her actions would be a good idea, or if in the bigger picture of trying to get her on your side its going to be a bit of an own goal.
It's not the boyfriend's job to teach the girl about money, consequences etc, certainly not at this stage. Trying to interfere directly in upbringing is a sure way to make things worse, as it's a parent's job.Discuss these kind of issues only with the mother.
Presents etc do not help at all anyway. It's about building trust, not about buying friendship (all kids see through that right away).
Remember at all times: the new partner is always the weakest in such a triangle. Trying to alter that dynamic doesn't work.
wjwren said:
When it all happened she said 'it;s only a car' I said do you know how much a car costs? She said it's only about £1000 and anyway you have loads of money. Both statements are not true. Unfortunately.
Ive tried talking to her on a one 2 one and it seems to sink in. But there are lots of other issues. She talks to her mother like a tool. 7.30am barges into the bedroom shouting MOM WHERE IS MY BREAKFAST GET UP NOW. She also calls her mother useless and stupid. I think some of these words come from her father. If I brought her round to your house she would be good as gold and polite and ud think what a lovely little girl but to me, her mother and her nan she is pretty vile.
No one can really give you any meaningful advice on here as there are far too many intangibles and things to consider.Ive tried talking to her on a one 2 one and it seems to sink in. But there are lots of other issues. She talks to her mother like a tool. 7.30am barges into the bedroom shouting MOM WHERE IS MY BREAKFAST GET UP NOW. She also calls her mother useless and stupid. I think some of these words come from her father. If I brought her round to your house she would be good as gold and polite and ud think what a lovely little girl but to me, her mother and her nan she is pretty vile.
Edited by wjwren on Tuesday 7th July 09:58
All I can say is that it seems there is a much bigger issue going on here than the battle of wills between you and her and it sounds like her mother is losing/has lost influence over her daughter. Too many parents try too hard to be their child's best friend when what the child really needs is at least one parent - and let us be honest I suspect every one of us might well not have liked at least one of our parents at one time, although now with our older and wiser heads on realise that they were doing the very best that they could.
You must make your own call on this but I have to say it doesn't sound promising and sometimes a quick bit of triage can save months, or even years, of pain.
g3org3y said:
grumbledoak said:
Bin the girlfriend. Her attitude is quite telling if you think about it.
Moonhawk said:
wjwren said:
I bought her a samsung tablet for her birthday and she opened it and said 'why have you got me a black one I wanted white'!
Yep been there myself. Presented step daughter with a car after she passed her test - only for her to storm off in a tantrum because she wanted a clio like her friend as opposed to the fiesta we had bought her. 
I would recommend getting out of there ASAP, after explaining to the girlfriend that her daughter (and the poor parenting thereof) was the reason, it will not end well otherwise. If that's how the daughter is now just imagine what she'll be like at 13-16, particularly after a few more years of piss-poor parenting
.Bluebarge said:
[snip] the kid is unlikely to have enough money to pay for the damage. Kids do stupid things unfortunately, [/snip]
100% agree, but perhaps the point is not that the child should have to pay for all the damage that they have done but that they should see that there are ramifications and implications to negative actions that will impact upon them.In my childhood I did a few really stupid things, and on a couple of occasions those things caused damage to property. Most particularly I remember crashing a ride on mower into a MG A as a result of not thinking and being a bit of a knob. The damage caused was about £500 worth (in the early '90's). Okay so I didn't have to stump up the £500 for the damage but I did have to mow the lawns for free for the rest of the year when I had been getting £15 every couple of weeks for doing so.
Oddly I didn't miss out on the money that much as there were other 'jobs' that I was handed and paid to do so I didn't actually have any less money, but I did know that I was mowing the lawns for free to repay the damage and the point was made - you must accept responsibility for your actions.
I don't normally like replying to threads like these as its very difficult to offer advice without all the information laid out, but the situation is very similar to the way mine was a few years ago.
Ultimately, I think it all depends on what you feel for your Mrs - is she someone you want to spend the rest of your life with - is marriage on the cards? If so, apologies for stating the obvious but then the daughter is part of the package and you both have a duty to bring her up, teach her right from wrong etc. I assume she still has a relationship with her dad, and that needs consideration too - and while that might be difficult and seemingly awkward, if you want this relationship to work, it's time to man up (by all three adults) and find a way forward. If you and your Mrs want to make it work, you will find a way.
However from what you say, and this is only reading the text on a forum, I would hazard a guess your Mrs is not totally committed, and if so, in there I think lies your answer.
Ultimately, I think it all depends on what you feel for your Mrs - is she someone you want to spend the rest of your life with - is marriage on the cards? If so, apologies for stating the obvious but then the daughter is part of the package and you both have a duty to bring her up, teach her right from wrong etc. I assume she still has a relationship with her dad, and that needs consideration too - and while that might be difficult and seemingly awkward, if you want this relationship to work, it's time to man up (by all three adults) and find a way forward. If you and your Mrs want to make it work, you will find a way.
However from what you say, and this is only reading the text on a forum, I would hazard a guess your Mrs is not totally committed, and if so, in there I think lies your answer.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff