girlfriends annoying child scratched my car
Discussion
Rude-boy said:
Bluebarge said:
[snip] the kid is unlikely to have enough money to pay for the damage. Kids do stupid things unfortunately, [/snip]
100% agree, but perhaps the point is not that the child should have to pay for all the damage that they have done but that they should see that there are ramifications and implications to negative actions that will impact upon them.
k off. A bit of a smack from her Mum and being shouted at vs Mums boyfriend not coming round again because his car's knackered. She wouldnt know whether to scratch the door or cut the brake lines, it's beyond her comprehensionIt's also not her fault, it's not excusing her from what she's done, but understanding why she's done it and that she's probably a bit f
ked up from being with a single parent and having another guy on the scene who isnt Dad. If you want to teach her a lesson OP, go back around and tell her while it's annoyed you a bit, it's not going to stop you seeing her Mum, and you'd quite like to get on better with her. Buying her stuff isnt going to work, she'll throw it back at you til you've earned her respect and can show you're trustworthy. As to how and whether you can respect and trust her and her Mum, that's something for you to work out yourself. Pros, cons warts and whatever.
andy-xr said:
Rude-boy said:
Bluebarge said:
[snip] the kid is unlikely to have enough money to pay for the damage. Kids do stupid things unfortunately, [/snip]
100% agree, but perhaps the point is not that the child should have to pay for all the damage that they have done but that they should see that there are ramifications and implications to negative actions that will impact upon them.k off. A bit of a smack from her Mum and being shouted at vs Mums boyfriend not coming round again because his car's knackered. She wouldnt know whether to scratch the door or cut the brake lines, it's beyond her comprehensionIt's also not her fault, it's not excusing her from what she's done, but understanding why she's done it and that she's probably a bit f
ked up from being with a single parent and having another guy on the scene who isnt Dad. If you want to teach her a lesson OP, go back around and tell her while it's annoyed you a bit, it's not going to stop you seeing her Mum, and you'd quite like to get on better with her. Buying her stuff isnt going to work, she'll throw it back at you til you've earned her respect and can show you're trustworthy. As to how and whether you can respect and trust her and her Mum, that's something for you to work out yourself. Pros, cons warts and whatever.
TurboHatchback said:
I would recommend getting out of there ASAP, after explaining to the girlfriend that her daughter (and the poor parenting thereof) was the reason, it will not end well otherwise. If that's how the daughter is now just imagine what she'll be like at 13-16, particularly after a few more years of piss-poor parenting 
.
I would bail out sharpish from what has been described. This girl is 10, it's probably about 9 1/2 years too late for her without massive deconstruction of her to allow her to rebuild her developmental wall (and under the care of her mother this ain't realistically going to happen) - without this she is potentially damaged goods just like her mother....On a tangent and to put what I am about to write in perspective, I was widowed just over a year ago and my wife was terminally ill and in and out of hospital for 18 months before that (and tetraplegic so 24/7 care either at home by me or when she was in hospital). Her family were (and still are) far removed from the reality of what was going on and reverted to childish behaviour with name calling and shouting and sulks and insults aimed at me at every opportunity. It has been very arduous mentally dealing with their poor behaviour towards me (and also to my wife when she was ill).
I am now ignoring them; I occasionally see my late wife's mother and speak with her but I never ring her and I ignore her telephone messages, and I ignore the texts and letters from my wife's sister. They are not my problem and they are not in my sphere of responsibility now that their family member (my wife) has passed on - my link with them is no longer there.
Oddly enough, I suspect that their behaviour is not much different to that of the girl in the OP's relationship... They also think the world revolves around them...
The punchline is, OP, that this girl and her mother are not your problem, you have no flesh-and-blood link with them and you have no responsibility to them - though you may perceive that you do have some responsibility towards them, in an attempt to keep the relationship going. Making a list with the +ves on one side and the -ves on the other, is it overall +ve or -ve? It looks (from reading your original post) like the latter to me?
Mercenary?
- but if you step back from this unhappy relationship, see if you can see where I am coming from - you can do better than this relationship 
.PS if you persist in maintaining this relationship, in the name of all that is holy make sure you only ever discuss the girl's behaviour etc behind closed doors and never in front of her - united you both stand, divided you will fall again and again (as she plays you both off against one another)
.No wonder the child has a bad attitude when the mother won't follow through on the punishment she said at the time.
That sends the message "Nothing I do has negative consequences"
My parenting rules (easier said than done, I know):
1. Never make a promise you can't keep.
2. Never make a threat that you don't then follow through on.
If you tell the child "Stop that, or punishment X" and they don't stop, you'd better make damn sure you carry out punishment X otherwise they will know they don't actually have to behave!
That sends the message "Nothing I do has negative consequences"
My parenting rules (easier said than done, I know):
1. Never make a promise you can't keep.
2. Never make a threat that you don't then follow through on.
If you tell the child "Stop that, or punishment X" and they don't stop, you'd better make damn sure you carry out punishment X otherwise they will know they don't actually have to behave!
There are some many countless ways of this panning out. I do not envy you but it's not an insurmountable problem.
Poitns I took from it are:
1) has the child annoyed you more or the GF for not sticking up for you
2) Is the car worth more to you than perhaps it should? I have a son and occasionally he damages possessions of mine and I am annoyed but I am resigned to him costing me... A lot. (I am not saying that you should allow the behaviour but is the car she scratched an investment car or a snotter...there is big difference).
3) Do you care for the child or is she something you put up with for the sake of the relationship?
4) Perhaps (and this is an enormous gamble me mentioning it, I may be way wide of the mark) if the child really knew you were a permenant fixture and you loved her (unconditional love of a parent to a child) she would act differently?
Good luck!
Poitns I took from it are:
1) has the child annoyed you more or the GF for not sticking up for you
2) Is the car worth more to you than perhaps it should? I have a son and occasionally he damages possessions of mine and I am annoyed but I am resigned to him costing me... A lot. (I am not saying that you should allow the behaviour but is the car she scratched an investment car or a snotter...there is big difference).
3) Do you care for the child or is she something you put up with for the sake of the relationship?
4) Perhaps (and this is an enormous gamble me mentioning it, I may be way wide of the mark) if the child really knew you were a permenant fixture and you loved her (unconditional love of a parent to a child) she would act differently?
Good luck!
Dick Turpin said:
No wonder the child has a bad attitude when the mother won't follow through on the punishment she said at the time.
That sends the message "Nothing I do has negative consequences"
My parenting rules (easier said than done, I know):
1. Never make a promise you can't keep.
2. Never make a threat that you don't then follow through on.
If you tell the child "Stop that, or punishment X" and they don't stop, you'd better make damn sure you carry out punishment X otherwise they will know they don't actually have to behave!
Great advice for training a dog.That sends the message "Nothing I do has negative consequences"
My parenting rules (easier said than done, I know):
1. Never make a promise you can't keep.
2. Never make a threat that you don't then follow through on.
If you tell the child "Stop that, or punishment X" and they don't stop, you'd better make damn sure you carry out punishment X otherwise they will know they don't actually have to behave!
Kids are a bit more complicated. This one sounds like she needs talking to, rather than "punishment".
doogz said:
Bluebarge said:
Great advice for training a dog.
Kids are a bit more complicated. This one sounds like she needs talking to, rather than "punishment".
"That was very naughty, don't do it again please. There will be no repercussions this time, I hope you've learn a lesson"Kids are a bit more complicated. This one sounds like she needs talking to, rather than "punishment".
??
Thing's have been tense for a while and I cannot stand that child
Strong words OP - tells me there's not a lot of love lost between you and the kid.
If you aren't financially dependent on staying with this woman, my experience in life would tell me to reach down between my legs and firmly pull the ejector handles. If you are expected to be a stepfather to this girl in any way in the future then you need to be doing so from a position of respect from the kid, backed up by the mum. That doesn't sound like it's ever going to be anywhere close to happening.
Kids do stupid things, but this smacks of some resentment issues towards you that will be difficult to overcome. I'd be ejecting for an easier life elsewhere.
Unless the mum is really hot and you are massively punching above your weight. In which case leave anyhow, because she'll soon do your nut in, save the pain!
Strong words OP - tells me there's not a lot of love lost between you and the kid.
If you aren't financially dependent on staying with this woman, my experience in life would tell me to reach down between my legs and firmly pull the ejector handles. If you are expected to be a stepfather to this girl in any way in the future then you need to be doing so from a position of respect from the kid, backed up by the mum. That doesn't sound like it's ever going to be anywhere close to happening.
Kids do stupid things, but this smacks of some resentment issues towards you that will be difficult to overcome. I'd be ejecting for an easier life elsewhere.
Unless the mum is really hot and you are massively punching above your weight. In which case leave anyhow, because she'll soon do your nut in, save the pain!
And a few people have mentioned kids doing stupid things not knowing the consequences.
Going down a steep hill on a skateboard is a stupid thing
Sticking your tongue to a 9v battery is a stupid thing
Playing football in the house is a stupid thing
Scratching someones car deliberatly is malicious.
Going down a steep hill on a skateboard is a stupid thing
Sticking your tongue to a 9v battery is a stupid thing
Playing football in the house is a stupid thing
Scratching someones car deliberatly is malicious.
Explain to her how much cars cost, how much bodyworks costs and how damaging the car means there is less money for treats, holidays etc.
She is testing, responding like another kid is not good form, you should ask her how she would feel if someone was damaging her things and she had to do get them fixed.
I wouldnt write of the relationship due to a scratch on a car, that is daft if you like the girlfriend, the child is just that, how you behave towards her will shape how she is in later life, a lot of the time shouting and confrontation works the wrong way, sometimes it can be an attention thing, I am no child psychologist but scratching her Ipad would not be the option for a sane adult.
My kids are teenagers, thy dont actively destroy stuff, they are just careless, I explain that the sofa they are dropping Salsa onto cost £1500, that is all my spare cash for a couple of months, they are getting it, slowly.
She is testing, responding like another kid is not good form, you should ask her how she would feel if someone was damaging her things and she had to do get them fixed.
I wouldnt write of the relationship due to a scratch on a car, that is daft if you like the girlfriend, the child is just that, how you behave towards her will shape how she is in later life, a lot of the time shouting and confrontation works the wrong way, sometimes it can be an attention thing, I am no child psychologist but scratching her Ipad would not be the option for a sane adult.
My kids are teenagers, thy dont actively destroy stuff, they are just careless, I explain that the sofa they are dropping Salsa onto cost £1500, that is all my spare cash for a couple of months, they are getting it, slowly.
it's about £150 to get scratch repaired. If she was good then id put id down to kids been kids but the fact she is so "whatever" about it and tells me to get over it then it annoys me more. Her mom does lots for her and it's never good enough. I dont know if kids are different these days but I did talk to my mom like that and treat her like a servant. If I have her on my own she doesnt mess about for me she knows that if she messes about il take her tablet off her or if she starts playing with her food in some silly way then it goes down the waste disposal. etc.
There are 4 kids in total. So quite a handful. But I get on with my gf more than any other girl ive met and find her attractive and easy going etc etc. But she is too soft with the kids. They know they can always push mum for and extra 10 mins until bed time and they think im mean when I say it's 10pm you need to be in bed.
The eldest (problem one) asked her mom for a hug the other day and my gf wouldnt give it her. I said why dont you? She said how can I? She speaks to me so rudely it makes me upset and I dont want to hug her. Now I know she has keyed my car but I think even I would be the adult and try and give her some love which I think it's all that she wants.
There are 4 kids in total. So quite a handful. But I get on with my gf more than any other girl ive met and find her attractive and easy going etc etc. But she is too soft with the kids. They know they can always push mum for and extra 10 mins until bed time and they think im mean when I say it's 10pm you need to be in bed.
The eldest (problem one) asked her mom for a hug the other day and my gf wouldnt give it her. I said why dont you? She said how can I? She speaks to me so rudely it makes me upset and I dont want to hug her. Now I know she has keyed my car but I think even I would be the adult and try and give her some love which I think it's all that she wants.
Edited by wjwren on Tuesday 7th July 12:52
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