girlfriends annoying child scratched my car
Discussion
Bluebarge said:
Dick Turpin said:
No wonder the child has a bad attitude when the mother won't follow through on the punishment she said at the time.
That sends the message "Nothing I do has negative consequences"
My parenting rules (easier said than done, I know):
1. Never make a promise you can't keep.
2. Never make a threat that you don't then follow through on.
If you tell the child "Stop that, or punishment X" and they don't stop, you'd better make damn sure you carry out punishment X otherwise they will know they don't actually have to behave!
Great advice for training a dog.That sends the message "Nothing I do has negative consequences"
My parenting rules (easier said than done, I know):
1. Never make a promise you can't keep.
2. Never make a threat that you don't then follow through on.
If you tell the child "Stop that, or punishment X" and they don't stop, you'd better make damn sure you carry out punishment X otherwise they will know they don't actually have to behave!
Kids are a bit more complicated. This one sounds like she needs talking to, rather than "punishment".
Of course it's more complicated, and there is a lot more to building a well rounded relationship than just a punishment/reward calculation. My advice above was specifically to do with establishing appropriate behaviour, and how important it is to carry out any punishment you have explained will happen, so they understand that "bad" behaviour has consequences.
Yes, you do have to be careful to avoid it turning into revenge/retribution rather than a proportionate and reasonable punishment.
For the OP, he needs to decide whether the GF is someone he wants a long-term relationship with. If so, he also needs to build a proper relationship with the daughter. If not, might as well call it a day.
wjwren said:
it's about £150 to get scratch repaired. If she was good then id put id down to kids been kids but the fact she is so "whatever" about it and tells me to get over it then it annoys me more. Her mom does lots for her and it's never good enough. I dont know if kids are different these days but I did talk to my mom like that and treat her like a servant. If I have her on my own she doesnt mess about for me she knows that if she messes about il take her tablet off her or if she starts playing with her food in some silly way then it goes down the waste disposal. etc.
There are 4 kids in total. So quite a handful. But I get on with my gf more than any other girl ive met and find her attractive and easy going etc etc. But she is too soft with the kids. They know they can always push mum for and extra 10 mins until bed time and they think im mean when I say it's 10pm you need to be in bed.
The eldest (problem one) asked her mom for a hug the other day and my gf wouldnt give it her. I said why dont you? She said how can I? She speaks to me so rudely it makes me upset and I dont want to hug her. Now I know she has keyed my car but I think even I would be the adult and try and give her some love which I think it's all that she wants.
When through this very similar situation 19 years ago, the now adult daughter is a nightmare and very difficult person to be around, teen years where a constant conflict, every sentence began with NO and multiple issues. Very best advice I can give you is to move on, you might even be doing it for the benefit of the problem child but certainly for yourself.
There are 4 kids in total. So quite a handful. But I get on with my gf more than any other girl ive met and find her attractive and easy going etc etc. But she is too soft with the kids. They know they can always push mum for and extra 10 mins until bed time and they think im mean when I say it's 10pm you need to be in bed.
The eldest (problem one) asked her mom for a hug the other day and my gf wouldnt give it her. I said why dont you? She said how can I? She speaks to me so rudely it makes me upset and I dont want to hug her. Now I know she has keyed my car but I think even I would be the adult and try and give her some love which I think it's all that she wants.
When through this very similar situation 19 years ago, the now adult daughter is a nightmare and very difficult person to be around, teen years where a constant conflict, every sentence began with NO and multiple issues. Very best advice I can give you is to move on, you might even be doing it for the benefit of the problem child but certainly for yourself.
Edited by wjwren on Tuesday 7th July 12:52
jdw100 said:
Kids do stuff because they..... they aren't adults yet.
Kids aren't stupid. Part of growing up is pushing the boundaries, but the two sentences below from the OP show that the child has learned that it can get away with it's actions.OP said:
My girlfriend went mad at her and told her she would be paying for the damage. I was fine with it and thought it would teach her a lesson.
Few days later and now my girlfriend says it's only a small scratch and that it will polish out (it hasnt as ive tried).
Few days later and now my girlfriend says it's only a small scratch and that it will polish out (it hasnt as ive tried).
Cotty said:
Soov535 said:
soad said:
Go separate ways.
This. It's only going to get worse."Keeping it real" at 10. FFS.
Run. Now.
runhttps://youtu.be/fOu1H5CRGPI?t=15s
Deliberately vandalising your car? - For who cares what reason? At 10 years of age (the age of criminal responsibility?) - this is only going one way... and this WON’T be the last time this brat does it or similar…
Mother goes back on her word and sides with her daughter, in this case, and in all likelihood for ever more.
I went out with a woman with 2 teenagers, eldest son was 15 and a pleasure to be around, but the daughter was 13 and Satan’s little helper in terms of personality, which would change at lightning speed, and never for the better. The whole family was on tenterhooks with her in the room. It’s a control mechanism.
To put it bluntly – there’s far less troublesome shags out there than this one…
You just know one day it’s just going to escalate - One bad word from her “he touched me here“, and you are in a world of pain.
If you can’t learn from all those voices of experience listed above saying run for the hills. Maybe it’s just one of those experiences you have to learn all by yourself.
Mother goes back on her word and sides with her daughter, in this case, and in all likelihood for ever more.
I went out with a woman with 2 teenagers, eldest son was 15 and a pleasure to be around, but the daughter was 13 and Satan’s little helper in terms of personality, which would change at lightning speed, and never for the better. The whole family was on tenterhooks with her in the room. It’s a control mechanism.
To put it bluntly – there’s far less troublesome shags out there than this one…
You just know one day it’s just going to escalate - One bad word from her “he touched me here“, and you are in a world of pain.
If you can’t learn from all those voices of experience listed above saying run for the hills. Maybe it’s just one of those experiences you have to learn all by yourself.
wjwren said:
The eldest (problem one) asked her mom for a hug the other day and my gf wouldnt give it her. I said why dont you? She said how can I? She speaks to me so rudely it makes me upset and I dont want to hug her. Now I know she has keyed my car but I think even I would be the adult and try and give her some love which I think it's all that she wants
Sounds like this is the crux of it. Kid sending off "I don't care about you" messages to her mother all the time by treating her badly probably just reflects her own lack of confidence about how her mother feels about her. Hate to say it, but your GF sounds like she is screwing this kid up.If you genuinely care about a kid then you care about how they behave and they know this. If you don't hold them to account for their behaviour you're demonstrating to them that you don't care about them.
Parental love is also supposed to be unconditional. You can hate the sin while still loving the sinner. So hold the kid to account for her behaviour, but for heaven's sake, none of this "mummy doesn't love you because you called her an old fart" nonsense.
ClaphamGT3 said:
OP; until you can reconcile in your mind the fact that you, as a man, will always come second in your partner's priorities to her children - be they yours or someone else's - don't have a relationship with a woman with children
right or wrong this is spot on. From an evolutionary perspective it is of course entirely logical. bucksmanuk said:
At 10 years of age (the age of criminal responsibility?)
There's your answer. Let's see her give some lip to a uniformed policeman.I had a similar issue with an ex - no boundaries, no rules, Dad tried to be strict, mum tried to be a friend.... I was stuck in the middle.
Leave. Now. After you report her to the cops.
5potTurbo said:
She stoned your car, surely? 
Things won't change, I'm afraid. My stepmum's 2 used to be like that with my Dad. I've still no idea why he remained with her, now almost 40 years.
What utter crap. Talk about generalising! Things won't change, I'm afraid. My stepmum's 2 used to be like that with my Dad. I've still no idea why he remained with her, now almost 40 years.
If you're going to generalise, stick to favourite colours or similar, don't go giving relationship "advice"
As I said above - my wife's 2 girls started out giving me one hell of a tough time, but working together patiently, we turned the situation around completely, where an outsider would have no idea at all that they weren't my own girls.
It's not easy. Bloody pleased I stuck it out.
I guess some people just give up.
ATG said:
wjwren said:
The eldest (problem one) asked her mom for a hug the other day and my gf wouldnt give it her. I said why dont you? She said how can I? She speaks to me so rudely it makes me upset and I dont want to hug her. Now I know she has keyed my car but I think even I would be the adult and try and give her some love which I think it's all that she wants
Sounds like this is the crux of it. Kid sending off "I don't care about you" messages to her mother all the time by treating her badly probably just reflects her own lack of confidence about how her mother feels about her. Hate to say it, but your GF sounds like she is screwing this kid up.If you genuinely care about a kid then you care about how they behave and they know this. If you don't hold them to account for their behaviour you're demonstrating to them that you don't care about them.
Parental love is also supposed to be unconditional. You can hate the sin while still loving the sinner. So hold the kid to account for her behaviour, but for heaven's sake, none of this "mummy doesn't love you because you called her an old fart" nonsense.
It's not the 10 year old you need to confront about this.....
OP, your original post suggests there is just the one kid, but your later one tells us there are in fact four. Am I correct in assuming that none of them are yours? "There are four kids in total" sounds a lot less cosy family than "we have four kids between us". Sorry if I'm splitting hairs, but that's how it comes across.
If you are being stepdad to four kids and one of them is f*cking your motor up (something that clearly bothers you, as it should) and the mother is brushing it under the carpet then frankly she is taking you for a mug.
Sorry to put it so bluntly.
If you are being stepdad to four kids and one of them is f*cking your motor up (something that clearly bothers you, as it should) and the mother is brushing it under the carpet then frankly she is taking you for a mug.
Sorry to put it so bluntly.
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