girlfriends annoying child scratched my car
Discussion
Just to recap, the 10yr old who damaged the car, she's the eldest of four?
If so, you should know that the others are currently getting a fantastic lesson on what they can hope to get away with in the future! Not long from now, you'll have two behaving this way, then three, then four!!!
Kids rarely learn from "this is an example of what not to do..." they need positive reinforcement on the right things to do.
Good luck
If so, you should know that the others are currently getting a fantastic lesson on what they can hope to get away with in the future! Not long from now, you'll have two behaving this way, then three, then four!!!
Kids rarely learn from "this is an example of what not to do..." they need positive reinforcement on the right things to do.
Good luck
monamimate said:
bigkeeko said:
No disrespect OP but it`s evident that you do not wear the pants in this set up. If you did the GF would sort her $hit out with the sprog. I have (had) a mate in a similar situation. We were best pals. He met Miss X with Child Y. She called the shots while child Y ran riot and could do no wrong. He wasn`t allowed out to play and through fear of not getting his `Nat King Cole` or dumped he danced to whatever tune they played. F**k that for a game of soldiers.
I have hardly spoke to him in years since and it`s a shame.
At roughly the same time I met a woman with two teenage sons. She was basically told how things were going to be or I was offski. I get on great with the boys and her and it works. Don`t be a doormat son.
No disrespect, but a good mother does not need a man "wearing the pants" to bring up children successfully. She's either a good mother or not. She doesn't become a better mother because some guy lays down the law that he's the boss at home.I have hardly spoke to him in years since and it`s a shame.
At roughly the same time I met a woman with two teenage sons. She was basically told how things were going to be or I was offski. I get on great with the boys and her and it works. Don`t be a doormat son.
OP's original post had me thinking that this would be a dead end scenario (can't stand the kid & strained relationship is not a good mix tbh). Kid needs boundaries set and the mother needs to support OP in, reasonable, punishment levels otherwise with 3 younger ones one can foresee ever worsening levels of behaviour :-(
As for kids... @ age 20s why put up with kids if you don't want to? @ age 30s you're more likely to find women with kids. @ age 40s + the chances of not finding kids as 'part of the package' is slim.... but then that counts equally for men as well as women.
I had the nicest thing this fathers day... step daughter got me a happy step-father's day day card with some lovely things written by her too (to be fair she is 22 but it still certainly choked me up).
Only OP knows if the relationship is worth the hassle - good luck either way!!
irocfan said:
monamimate said:
bigkeeko said:
No disrespect OP but it`s evident that you do not wear the pants in this set up. If you did the GF would sort her $hit out with the sprog. I have (had) a mate in a similar situation. We were best pals. He met Miss X with Child Y. She called the shots while child Y ran riot and could do no wrong. He wasn`t allowed out to play and through fear of not getting his `Nat King Cole` or dumped he danced to whatever tune they played. F**k that for a game of soldiers.
I have hardly spoke to him in years since and it`s a shame.
At roughly the same time I met a woman with two teenage sons. She was basically told how things were going to be or I was offski. I get on great with the boys and her and it works. Don`t be a doormat son.
No disrespect, but a good mother does not need a man "wearing the pants" to bring up children successfully. She's either a good mother or not. She doesn't become a better mother because some guy lays down the law that he's the boss at home.I have hardly spoke to him in years since and it`s a shame.
At roughly the same time I met a woman with two teenage sons. She was basically told how things were going to be or I was offski. I get on great with the boys and her and it works. Don`t be a doormat son.
OP's original post had me thinking that this would be a dead end scenario (can't stand the kid & strained relationship is not a good mix tbh). Kid needs boundaries set and the mother needs to support OP in, reasonable, punishment levels otherwise with 3 younger ones one can foresee ever worsening levels of behaviour :-(
As for kids... @ age 20s why put up with kids if you don't want to? @ age 30s you're more likely to find women with kids. @ age 40s + the chances of not finding kids as 'part of the package' is slim.... but then that counts equally for men as well as women.
I had the nicest thing this fathers day... step daughter got me a happy step-father's day day card with some lovely things written by her too (to be fair she is 22 but it still certainly choked me up).
Only OP knows if the relationship is worth the hassle - good luck either way!!
oldcynic said:
This thread isn't really about step-parenting, dating single mums, or whatever.
It's about child-rearing being a joint enterprise, whether or not you're the sperm (or egg) donor. If you can't work together with the other parent to establish appropriate boundaries and behavioural expectations then you're all on to a loser, child included.
I accept that the issue is more glaring when someone is new on the scene, hence it's more likely to be seen in new relationships including children, but the basic reality is that if the parents (biological or otherwise) can't show a united front then serious problems are afoot.
I speak from experience as step-dad to 3 children and dad to 2 more, and can confirm that bringing up children can be very rewarding but f
king hard work at times.
Absolutely spot on. It's about child-rearing being a joint enterprise, whether or not you're the sperm (or egg) donor. If you can't work together with the other parent to establish appropriate boundaries and behavioural expectations then you're all on to a loser, child included.
I accept that the issue is more glaring when someone is new on the scene, hence it's more likely to be seen in new relationships including children, but the basic reality is that if the parents (biological or otherwise) can't show a united front then serious problems are afoot.
I speak from experience as step-dad to 3 children and dad to 2 more, and can confirm that bringing up children can be very rewarding but f
king hard work at times.
Ari said:
oldcynic said:
This thread isn't really about step-parenting, dating single mums, or whatever.
It's about child-rearing being a joint enterprise, whether or not you're the sperm (or egg) donor. If you can't work together with the other parent to establish appropriate boundaries and behavioural expectations then you're all on to a loser, child included.
I accept that the issue is more glaring when someone is new on the scene, hence it's more likely to be seen in new relationships including children, but the basic reality is that if the parents (biological or otherwise) can't show a united front then serious problems are afoot.
I speak from experience as step-dad to 3 children and dad to 2 more, and can confirm that bringing up children can be very rewarding but fking hard work at times.
Absolutely spot on. It's about child-rearing being a joint enterprise, whether or not you're the sperm (or egg) donor. If you can't work together with the other parent to establish appropriate boundaries and behavioural expectations then you're all on to a loser, child included.
I accept that the issue is more glaring when someone is new on the scene, hence it's more likely to be seen in new relationships including children, but the basic reality is that if the parents (biological or otherwise) can't show a united front then serious problems are afoot.
I speak from experience as step-dad to 3 children and dad to 2 more, and can confirm that bringing up children can be very rewarding but f
king hard work at times.Ari said:
wjwren said:
she gets told off, but my girlfriend is at a loss as what to do.
She tell's her off and the girl looks sorry for a second and says 'ok sorry i wont do it again'
Most days she says to her mom cant we be friends I want us to get on. Then as soon as she is told she cant have something like sweets before a meal or no tv as it's bedtime then we have a meltdown and 'I hate you mom you are selfish etcetc etc'
She 'gets told off'.She tell's her off and the girl looks sorry for a second and says 'ok sorry i wont do it again'
Most days she says to her mom cant we be friends I want us to get on. Then as soon as she is told she cant have something like sweets before a meal or no tv as it's bedtime then we have a meltdown and 'I hate you mom you are selfish etcetc etc'
So no actual punishment then? Not grounded, no revocation of privileges, no removal of iPad or TV in bedroom, anything like that?
So basically there is no discipline at all.
Good luck.
wjwren said:
When it all happened she said 'it;s only a car' I said do you know how much a car costs? She said it's only about £1000 and anyway you have loads of money. Both statements are not true. Unfortunately.
Your GF or the child? If the former, leave her. If the latter, I think you need to work on your relationship with her, the way in which you've referred to her thus far isn't good. King Herald said:
I've told him what to do: scratch the snotty brats iPad, but all the tree huggers whined at me. You can't actually punish kids any more, or berate them, or even tell them off, and if you slapped one, heaven forbid, you'd do ten years for assault.
Just a question? Do you have any (step)children yourself?Your "advice" is laden with SO many irresponsible ideas, it beggars belief!
1) suggesting that 2 wrongs make a right.How does inflicting criminal damage to her property in any way help her become a well-balanced adult?
2) I'd hazard a guess that the majority of fathers here have succeeded in bringing up their kids well, without ever resorting to any kind of physical punishment.
3) punishment isn't really the issue here anyway. The girl is clearly lost between a mother who is scared to assert het authority, a father who is using her as an emotional pawn against her mother and a newcomer on the scene who, whatever strengths of weaknesses he may have, is seen by her as the nail in the coffin of her parents' chances of ever getting back together.
The girl needs re-assurance from both her parents. They need to get THEIR act sorted out.
However bad her behaviour here, essentially she is the victim of her parents' inability to resolve their issues decently. (I'm NOT saying her behaviour is ok, just that the reason behind it needs to be addressed - i.e. treat the cause, not the symptoms)
I could go on, but right now, I need to go and hug a tree.
monamimate said:
1) suggesting that 2 wrongs make a right.How does inflicting criminal damage to her property in any way help her become a well-balanced adult?
I'm not intrinsically disagreeing with you, but just to answer this point, it could be said that it will help her understand that there are consequences to her actions. I don't believe it is the right consequence, but arguably it is better than the current situation of no consequence at all for bad behaviour (beyond mum shouting impotently for a couple of minutes followed by no further action).
Ari said:
monamimate said:
1) suggesting that 2 wrongs make a right.How does inflicting criminal damage to her property in any way help her become a well-balanced adult?
I'm not intrinsically disagreeing with you, but just to answer this point, it could be said that it will help her understand that there are consequences to her actions. I don't believe it is the right consequence, but arguably it is better than the current situation of no consequence at all for bad behaviour (beyond mum shouting impotently for a couple of minutes followed by no further action).
It's the way in which it is done that is important... A grown man smashing her belongings does not seem like an appropriate educational technique...
monamimate said:
100% in agreement that she needs to be told that this is unacceptable behaviour. I think we can all argon that.
It's the way in which it is done that is important... A grown man smashing her belongings does not seem like an appropriate educational technique...
I'm playing Devils Advocate a bit but the suggestion was never to smash up her iPad, just to scratch it - like she did to the car. Arguably, if you did, just maybe the next time she picks up a stone she might think of the consequences to her own possessions...It's the way in which it is done that is important... A grown man smashing her belongings does not seem like an appropriate educational technique...
But no, you're right of course, much better ways of dealing with it.
But to return to the OP, his girlfriend isn't and he can't, so he's a bit f
ked, sadly. King Herald said:
monamimate said:
I could go on, but right now, I need to go and hug a tree.
No, just hug the kid, because you have nothing else to offer.The mantra of the current generation: I am not responsible, I am a victim, but some money will make it all okay...
I have 3 adult children (2 step/one own), all of whom are extremely happy, productive people in good employment/ study, with large circles of friends. We all get along perfectly.
Never, not once, was one of the three subjected to physical punishment. There are plenty of other ways to teach respect and responsibility.
Edited by monamimate on Wednesday 15th July 16:41
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