Keeping cold callers on the line for as long as possible...

[D4ve820]

I usually open up prawntube with the volume up a little and then try and keep them on the phone for as long as possible

[toon10]

Moonhawk said:

When they ring for Mr/Mrs X - I tend to just say "hang on a sec - i'll just get them" then put the phone down and continue what I was doing until it goes back to dial tone.

Waste their time without wasting mine.

Yup, just bear with me please... put phone on coffee table in front of the TV and check back 5 minutes later to see if they are still there.

[B.J.W]

I had an accident claims cold call a week or so back....

When asked if I'd had any accidents at work I replied that I used to work at a saw mill, but I had been dismissed after I'd lost both my arms and legs when operating machinery. Obviously missing the point, the Asian gentleman on the other end of the phone got all excited and wanted to know what my employer had done..... "nothing", I replied, "they just stuck some bandages on me and rolled me out of the front entrance"

At this point he said that I would definitely be in line for some compensation, and would I mind waiting so he could pass me to one of his colleagues who could deal with my claim? I agreed and then put the receiver to one side whilst I helped myself to some food in the kitchen.

When the other person came on the phone I said that he needed to shout because I had dropped the receiver and as I didn't have any arms and legs I couldn't pick the phone up. For the next 5 minutes I had this bloke shooting down the phone at me (what his colleagues in the call centre would have thought I have no idea), with me deliberately misunderstanding what he was saying. Finally, he asked for my address so that he could send me some paperwork to fill out....

my response; "that'll be difficult - as my head was also chopped off as well, so I wouldn't be able to see the paperwork to read it....

I think the penny dropped at that point, and the phone went dead...

[PositronicRay]

I ask questions and don't give them a chance with their script.

1)Name (no I don't belive you're Michael from London, I want you to spell you're real name)
2)Company
3)Address
4)Post code (no not my post code, yours)
5)Phone number

I don't usually get past 2 sometimes I get as far as 4.

Once, one poor girl from a UK based home improvements company got so rattled she started to give me her own, home details. This was after I told her that due to TPS her call was illegal and being recorded.

Edited by PositronicRay on Thursday 30th July 16:22

[SteellFJ]

One of my colleague made the mistake of handing one of these guys to me t discuss a recent accident.

He passed the phone stating it was mine to the other person, I then entertained them by saying I'd crashed my car that day, they work fast etc etc. Gave them minimal info

I then said I would not tell them who was to blame when they asked as it was a dispute me and the other owner were having and to call in a couple days when it should be sorted.

His phone never stopped for a fortnight!!

[Morningside]

2 sMoKiN bArReLs said:

We see how many extensions we can transfer them to at work. I think the record is 26

Oh, that is brilliant. I would love to do that.

750turbo said:

"Hello - Samaritans"

To be honest, I do this to my workmates as well.

Battersea Dogs Home is our usual one.


Microsoft Windows scam - My record so far is well over an hour and getting them to ring back the next day.
After I told him that I had ditched the PC and purchased a Mac he was not happy. Only reason I keep them on the phone is that they are not conning anyone else.
I set up VMWare and then you adjust the network settings to allow really slow connections with drop outs. I think it is normally used for testing but it pisses them off. Also to annoy them even further tell them the computer is in the other room and the telephone cable will not reach so you will have to keep walking into the other room to type commands. They bloody annoys them no end.
But as mentioned earlier I will now try the Sinclair Spectrum loading sound.


Surveys - I have two lines. The second one was when I ran a business but never bothered to remove it as it only costs a few pence per month and handy when selling stuff on eBay. Anyhow had the usual 'survey' and gave loads of false info. First one being that the name is wrong and my name is George. Sure enough two days later I get a call from some legit UK company. "Good morning, may I speak to George?". "You want to speak to my dog?"...short delay then realises they have been had then line goes dead.

[cookmysock]

the computer virus guys are always good fun.

Indian chap - hello, we need to help you because your computer has a virus
me - oh dear, I hope you can help me
Indian chap - I certainly can.
me - what do I need to do?
Indian chap - please go to your computer
me - ok
Indian chap - do you see the windows button?
me - you want me to open windows?
Indian chap - yes please
keep him waiting one minute
me - ok, I have open windows
Indian chap - all right, please go to the start button
me - do you mean the menu?
Indian chap - yes, the menu
me - does the menu have pizza?
Indian chap - huh?
me - I would like a supreme, thins crust with anchovies please
Indian chap - no, no, no. you need to open windows and go to the menu
me - when will my pizza arrive?
Indian chap - this is not about pizza! you have a virus!
me - can I close windows now?
Indian chap - no, we need to fix the virus
me - I want to close the windows. It is getting cold
Indian chap - no you need to keep windows open
me - but if I don't close the windows, I may catch a virus
Indian chap - what the fk
me - would you like my credit card number instead to make it easier for you?
line goes dead

[Dr Jekyll]

The ones that ring you to offer new phone deals with cheap calls can be fun, telling them you don't have a phone seems to cause genuine confusion.

[rehab71]

This made me smile

http://youtu.be/F1CYsvXKda4

[carmadgaz]

Had one ring me while I was on the loo one day. Grabbed my laptop and went back to the loo to deal with the caller...

Caller: Usual "I'm from Microsoft, you have a virus" spiel
Me: Oh dear... What do I do
C: See the button between 'ctrl' and 'alt'
M: No there isn't a button there
C: Oh ok, which browser are you using?
M: It's Safari (see where I was heading?)
C: Ok open the browser and go to www. ScamURL.com

At this point I google the URL and confirm the scam

M: OK
C: What does it say?
M: No internet connection
C: *Some crap about my internet connection*
M: I don't have the internet here
C: But you said you had Safari!
M: Yes but I didn't say it was connected to anything

At which point I got a dial tone, kept them from pissing about with someone gullible and me amused for 5-10 min

[anonymous-user]

Just buy one of these:-
http://www.amazon.co.uk/BT8500-Advanced-Blocker-Co...
Another of life's irritations eliminated

[matchmaker]

280E said:

Nimby said:

elanfan said:

280E said:

"So what is on the screen?" he says....

"Well, it says C:\>" says I...

Phone line goes dead

Explanation for the non Geeks please?

Please move this to the "things that make you feel old" thread.

Well at least it's not batch processing of FORTRAN on punched cards

I feel old...

[TheExcession]

rehab71 said:

This made me smile

http://youtu.be/F1CYsvXKda4

This is another good one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-z404fMM2xI

[Negative Creep]

perdu said:

Nimby said:

elanfan said:

280E said:

"So what is on the screen?" he says....

"Well, it says C:\>" says I...

Phone line goes dead

Explanation for the non Geeks please?

Please move this to the "things that make you feel old" thread.

Ouch

That hurts

I've just realised it's been 20 years since Windows 95 made it obsolete

[jamiem555]

When I'm away with work I stay in a company house with a domestic BT line registered to the company. I work for a large offshore helicopter company.

There was a call asking to speak to Mr. Helicopter.

[tribbles]

Dr Jekyll said:

The ones that ring you to offer new phone deals with cheap calls can be fun, telling them you don't have a phone seems to cause genuine confusion.

"I'M SPEAKING REALLY LOUDLY"

(Using capital letters to indicate shouting, in case anyone thinks my caps lock key is on )

[Sheepshanks]

dave_s13 said:

I routinely have to ring patients from work for follow up appointments

....
I know start "I'm calling from the NHS X Service - is that Mr X".....it gets a much nicer initial response.

My daughter sometimes has to call patients and she's absolutely forbidden from saying who she is or why she's calling until she's sure it's the right person. Makes for some fun calls!

OTOH I answered the 'phone from our local surgery to be told that my daughter's Pregaday prescription was available for collection. Lucky I knew she was pregnant.

[Rikki55]

Brilliant thread!

[Martin4x4]

stevensdrs said:

elanfan said:

280E said:

"So what is on the screen?" he says....

"Well, it says C:\>" says I...

Phone line goes dead

Explanation for the non Geeks please?

Command prompt on a dos system (not Windows)

I kept the indian computer scammer on the phone for 32 minutes before I got bored and told him to fk off.

Try these next time

For start button pretend to press


When asked what on the screen, explain

[bristolracer]

I normally say to the microsoft scammers

"your grandmother must be so proud of what you have become,stealing from the innocent and elderly" and hang up