Living as an ex-pat, the downsides

Living as an ex-pat, the downsides

Author
Discussion

stuart-b

Original Poster:

3,643 posts

225 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
There was a very interesting article published recently, which went through social media, explaining one persons journey as an ex-pat, the high's and lows. It was a great read (can't see to locate it at the moment! - and summed up my life, except for the family part).

Well I can say that hearing a loved family member had a stroke and is in hospital this morning certainly added to my list of downsides! Not able to visit due to lack of plane ticket availability and regulatory deadlines which show no mercy... this is the part which isn't fun frown

austinsmirk

5,597 posts

122 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
any documentary on ex pats, showing their lifestyles, seems to portray them all as chronic alcoholics.

sure thats not the case for all, but when I reach my golden years, being drunk everyday doesn't seem something I want to aspire too.


but I agree, when family are far apart, its a nightmare: I never saw my grandparents in their later years or when they passed as they were in Australia.

stuart-b

Original Poster:

3,643 posts

225 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
austinsmirk said:
any documentary on ex pats, showing their lifestyles, seems to portray them all as chronic alcoholics.

sure thats not the case for all, but when I reach my golden years, being drunk everyday doesn't seem something I want to aspire too.


but I agree, when family are far apart, its a nightmare: I never saw my grandparents in their later years or when they passed as they were in Australia.
Yes that may be the case for some of the older generation, I've seen my fair share of "has beens" washed up around this part. But I moved abroad for professional reasons only - I do love it here, and there are so many positives, but as family always comes first, this negative outweighs all sadly.

Dr Interceptor

7,743 posts

195 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
stuart-b said:
Yes that may be the case for some of the older generation, I've seen my fair share of "has beens" washed up around this part. But I moved abroad for professional reasons only - I do love it here, and there are so many positives, but as family always comes first, this negative outweighs all sadly.
It's tough for sure as an ex-pat... I know what it's like being so far away from family.

I'd love to emigrate one day, but not until my (and my partners) immediate family (parents etc) have passed on. Before then, being away from them in their later years would just be too difficult. We're not likely to ever have children, so that wouldn't be an issue.

My grandparents on my fathers side emigrated out to Portugal late in 1982. They bought a villa in Espiche (near Lagos), and my Grandfather, a builder, set about finding his own plot of land to build their dream villa on. He did that, and began work on it in 1983. I was born in September 1983, and they both came back for my Christening on new years day 1984. They moved into the dream villa shortly after that. Unfortunately, summer 1984 my grandfather suffered a heart attack, and being in a remote part of the Algarve with no phone, limited mobility, and the nearest hospital 40 minutes away, he didn't make it.

My grandmother, after a few very rocky years, and a complicated probate period, decided to stay out there. She built a small two bed villa out the back of hers, and rented that out for many years as a holiday let, which provided her a tidy income. She had a great life, being involved with dramatic societies, playing bowls, bridge and of course the church.

She moved out of the big villa in 2001, and downsized to a two bed villa in Praia da Luz, and continued to enjoy life. As time went by, and age crept up, she gave up the bowls, so relied pretty much solely on playing bridge twice a week and the church as her social life. She never drank to excess and has never smoked.

In 2002 my family bought a villa on a Golf course near Lagos, which gave us a base to head to out there when visiting, rather than having to stay with her, in the new smaller villa!

Then a few years ago, she fell ill... it was a difficult time for us, with myself, my Mum and Dad effectively playing tag on visits. Often we'd cross at Faro, and one of us would travel home on the plane the other flew out on. This was at the detriment of our family business... for two years it made a loss, and we were ploughing in cash to keep it going. She had nasty cancer, and came back to the UK for treatment. The treatment went well, and after that she returned to Portugal, and we arranged a carer to visit twice a day to ensure she was eating and drinking. After five weeks though, she was getting ill again, and we were getting difficult phone calls from the carers saying we should be there.

One week later, Dad went over there again, and bought her home. She had a week in Frimley Park Hospital, and then we managed to get her into a care home locally, so now she's just 10 minutes away.

The thing that really struck us though, through all those final weeks in Portugal... where were her friends? Where were the churchgoers? She put 25 years of energy and fundraising into that church, but when she needed them, they weren't there for her. When I went over to clear out some of her things from her villa, I found a 'get well soon' card from the church, a MoonPig card... they didn't even deliver it by hand.

Despite all of that, I would still like to emigrate... somewhere to go and spend the twilight years.

TEKNOPUG

18,844 posts

204 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
stuart-b said:
Yes that may be the case for some of the older generation, I've seen my fair share of "has beens" washed up around this part. But I moved abroad for professional reasons only - I do love it here, and there are so many positives, but as family always comes first, this negative outweighs all sadly.
It would appear that family comes second to your profession, surely?

P-Jay

10,551 posts

190 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
My Parents moved to Bahrain 12 years ago, I personally don't think it was a great idea - the reasoning was money - my Dad had reached the top of his profession in the UK and felt he had no where to go - he'd been offered and taken directorships at various places, but I think he's better at what he does than running businesses and they didn't go too well, moving to Bahrain meant he could keep doing what he was doing for 3 times the money and no tax. They planned to stay 5 years, build up a nest egg and come back, but I think they got used to the income so haven't left yet.

It's fractured our family really, people sometimes I assume I've had some massive falling out with my parents because we don't talk, we haven't, it's just over years we've drifted apart - I might see my Mum five times a year and my Dad twice. My Sister is a lot younger than me, I'm not far off 40 and she's just finished her first year in Uni - she's actually back in the UK for Uni in Oxford, it's an hour and a half drive, but we only really see each other when Mum is home for Xmas or something - we chat on FB a bit, but we've lead very different lives - we were very close when she was small, but she doesn't really see the UK as 'home' and I've never even been to the Middle East. I've got 2 brothers more my age and I see them at Xmas, but that's about it - we all seem like familiar strangers now I think ha ha.

As for their lives, they don't drink, but most of their neighbours seem to be plastered most days, they haven't really embraced Bahraini culture, they live in a walled compound that's like a little Europe with more sun, it sounds boring as hell to me - but they keep stacking up the cash and waiting I guess - the latest plan is to return to the UK when Sis finishes Uni to retire, I hope they do something interesting with all the money they've saved up.

LaurasOtherHalf

21,429 posts

195 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
The prolification of ageing alcoholics is what made me move back to the UK if I'm honest, I just didn't fancy ending up that way.

stu67

804 posts

187 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
Can only sympathise with some of the comments on this. My mum and dad retired back to Ireland leaving all 3 sons back in the UK. It was all very nice for a few years but now with their failing health is a royal PITA. They live in the middle of nowhere and dad is very frail, mum less so but getting on, neither can drive now so rely on a local aunt. Every time I get a phone call I fear the worse and playing tag when either is in hospital is terrible.
Will they move - not a chance and carry on oblivious to the effects around them, give me strength. I'm 48 and still love the pair of them dearly and really only want the best for them. I really cant see the point of moving from family and more importantly the support side.

jshell

11,006 posts

204 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
Sometimes you gotta go where the work is! Sometimes the other sacrifices are worth it, sometimes not.

FredClogs

14,041 posts

160 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
Think about how immigrants to the UK are treated and regarded amongst the "indigenous" population and then wonder why it would be different anywhere else.


bucksmanuk

2,311 posts

169 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
Dr Interceptor said:
The thing that really struck us though, through all those final weeks in Portugal... where were her friends? Where were the churchgoers? She put 25 years of energy and fundraising into that church, but when she needed them, they weren't there for her. When I went over to clear out some of her things from her villa, I found a 'get well soon' card from the church, a MoonPig card... they didn't even deliver it by hand.
Ah those wonderful church goers - only Christian between the hours of 11 and 12:30 on Sundays

or is it just a reflection on ex pats?

GT03ROB

13,208 posts

220 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
It's not easy, but you have to balance many things. Sometimes it's not the frequency of contact but the quality. This ultimately (along with lack of tax) made my decision.

In the UK it was leave home by 6:30am, home by 7:30/8 so midweeks not much real quality time. I would also frequently travel to the US, Mid-East, Singapore or Phillipines often travelling on weekends. Even if you got back on a Friday with jet-lag etc., weekends could be wiped out. You then get 5 weeks leave a year. So really not a great deal of quality time.

Now I earn around 60% more, pay no tax on that, have a car, apartment, fuel provided. I get home every 6-8 weeks or so for around 10 days when I have no distractions. We could take a further 3 weeks at Christmas to visit relatives in Oz & will take another 3 weeks in September when we'll go to the Caribbean. In between this my wife comes out for a 7-10 days & I'm home from work by 4:30. Despite being apart we get far more quality time.

You also need to bear in mind that if anything happened I could be home pretty quickly. It's not all sweetness & light and things can be very difficult for relationships.

Dr Interceptor

7,743 posts

195 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
bucksmanuk said:
Dr Interceptor said:
The thing that really struck us though, through all those final weeks in Portugal... where were her friends? Where were the churchgoers? She put 25 years of energy and fundraising into that church, but when she needed them, they weren't there for her. When I went over to clear out some of her things from her villa, I found a 'get well soon' card from the church, a MoonPig card... they didn't even deliver it by hand.
Ah those wonderful church goers - only Christian between the hours of 11 and 12:30 on Sundays

or is it just a reflection on ex pats?
No, they're a bunch of fking hypocrites. It was an ex-pat congregation, 95% British, most of Praia da Luz is very English. Even the Pastor is British, never visited my Grandmother, and despite them all having our numbers, they never ask how she is. She was so lonely in those last few weeks... the carers we had going in were often the only people she'd see.

I know many people in the UK go through the same experience - was just frustrating to see a once active community member forgotten by others so quickly.







Markytop

633 posts

218 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
By strange coincidence to this thread, the English version of the local newspaper here in Luxembourg is running the following article this week.

http://www.wort.lu/en/lifestyle/expat-blues-the-ot...

5potTurbo

12,482 posts

167 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
Reading the same thread at the same time, and I read that in the Wort yesterday. smile




paul.deitch

2,086 posts

256 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
Being an expat I found was/still is interesting, challenging and worthwhile. However not seeing the family and old friends regularly is a downside particularly when your children go and live in other countries too (not the UK and not together). Holidays become round trips to try and fit everyone in so when you get back you need a holiday...

Dog Star

16,079 posts

167 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
I work in the gaming industry so work with a lot of people who live in Gibraltar or just over in Spain - Malaga region.

I go out there quite a bit and while its very nice and good fun for a visit and a break from the UK office there is no way on earth I'd do it myself. A lot of my colleagues and friends are back in a few years.

anonymous-user

53 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
Best thing I have done is leaving the UK, ok you don't see friends family as much but .... its 2015, you have Skype, flights are cheap and you can be anywhere in the world within 24 hours.

I will probably return to the UK one day, but I doubt I will stay for more than a few years. there is a whole world out there to live in and see.

There are international schools located in most countries and I believe (from colleagues) the standard of education is much higher than in a normal UK School (non-private!).

Twilight years; we are learning to sail so hopefully we can do something with that!

ETA: Although I must agree, at least 60% seem to be divorced or not living with their family and as such become furniture in the 'local'.

NordicCrankShaft

1,721 posts

114 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
I agree with the post above.

I absolutely do not miss living in the UK. I Skype my family once a week and we are all constantly in touch via WhatsApp.

Flights are cheap back home and its only a 2 hour flight. I love living here, don't get me wrong I miss my family sometimes buy they are right on the end of a phone or webcam!

Although my gandmother passed away 4 months ago and it was not an issue getting last minute flight tickets and my grand father suffers from severe Alzheimer's so I do think about him a lot as he's in a care home.

The only other thing I miss is the diversity of food we get in the UK, in terms of fresh produce here in Norway the quality is abysmal compared to back home.

toohuge

3,430 posts

215 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
We've been expats for about 3 years now and have lived in St. Kitts, Antigua and now the USA.... it's different for sure.

The Caribbean was a challenge, it was very different to home - but the other expats did spend a lot of time drinking - there's not a lot to do or say on an island with only 25000 people.

Living in the US is very, very different and by and large, we are much happier here than when in the Caribbean. We have more opportunities, a higher standard of life. We do miss some of the food we can get back in Europe, but we believe that you make your home wherever you are placed, in our case, the US.